Anyone Else Have a Controlling Sibling? - Resolved Post 216

[luvsJack]

I totally agree, Barkley.
And, this is why I continue to question the sisters actions, and ability to access anything.
If she is trying to pass off self-written affidavits that have not been drafted and certified by a true practicing legal professional, that, to me, yes, IS fraud.

And, this is NOT just about wanting one's own hotel room. (which is totally understandable and reasonable)
There is a lot going on here....
A lot.

IMHO, any, ANY, suggestion that the OP is doing anything wrong (by wanting her own accommodations) is totally unfounded and yes, coming pretty darn close to a personal attack.

Oh please. That is not even close to a personal attack. Lol.

 

[amberpi]

I was just talking to my significant other about this phenomenon the other day. I said that if I were a man, I doubt this would be happening. He agreed.

It’s a poopy truth.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I wouldn't drive with the brother, either. Not with his driving record and attitude.

My brother called again to try to get me to change hotels, despite the fact that I already told him the B&B I'm at is nonrefundable. They don't care about that. He also tried to get me to agree not to rent my own car, again, being extremely pushy & not taking no for an answer.

A bit of backstory: my brother used to be a crazy driver, going 80 on non-highway roads frequently even with me in the car. I hated riding with him. Once he crashed his car into a pillar going almost 90. He is lucky to be alive, and his car looked like the car from that "they lived" car commercial you might have seen, and his jaw had to be wired shut for about a month.

I frankly don't feel comfortable riding with him, especially in what I'm sure is going to be the tiniest economy car you could rent, since they're so big on pinching pennies this trip.

Just a few months ago I was hit in a nasty car accident by someone who was texting while driving their SUV, & I was in a compact car. I still haven't made a full recovery and I'm done driving in compacts, and I don't want to be driven manically around a California city by my brother as we hop from bank to bank.

I told my brother, without referencing his driving record, but rather tactfully mentioning my recent accident, that I just felt more comfortable driving myself in a car of my choice.

He just told me, "Well, they have therapy for that." At which point I told him I was ending the call. He must have called my sister, who immediately called/texted repeatedly, saying this all had to be resolved right away, and instead of answering I texted that I didn't want to talk after my conversation with my brother. Then she immediately got my mother to call & text to really apply the thumbscrews. I ignored those messages, because I am so done with this.

 

[Planogirl]

Why does the sister care so much about where anyone stays? It's strange that she is getting so bent out of shape over this.

 

[Skellingtonj]

Why does the sister care so much about where anyone stays? It's strange that she is getting so bent out of shape over this.

It’s a personality thing. Everyone has to do exactly what she says.

 

[cabanafrau]

I totally agree, Barkley.
And, this is why I continue to question the sisters actions, and ability to access anything.
If she is trying to pass off self-written affidavits that have not been drafted and certified by a true practicing legal professional, that, to me, yes, IS fraud.

And, this is NOT just about wanting one's own hotel room. (which is totally understandable and reasonable)
There is a lot going on here....
A lot.

IMHO, any, ANY, suggestion that the OP is doing anything wrong (by wanting her own accommodations) is totally unfounded and yes, coming pretty darn close to a personal attack.

So you are suggesting that simply because a document hasn't been drafted by someone with a law degree it's fraudulent? I highly doubt the law requires something be drafted by an attorney. If the information within the document provides truthful information and comports with the rules necessary to provide the information required by the rules, what exactly is illegal, improper or fraudulent about the document?

I can stand trial for murder representing myself, yet the law would demand I have an attorney in an estate matter?

 

[kaytieeldr]

As far as the hotel arrangements, with the details given I see the controlling sibling overstepping a bit, but I quite frankly think OP might have compromised for one night to get a separate room at her expense at the same hotel sister booked.

I wouldn't be comfortable, even in a separate room, if I were leery on the hotel.

I am stunned that your family allowed one person to dictate who is included for holidays by virtue of the location of the meal. I would gather at McDonald's before I let one sibling decide who comes to a family holiday.

McDonalds isn't open Thanksgiving or Christmas.

You'd even THINK, if two people are listed on the account of a safety deposit box that the second person would then have ownership of at least HALF of the contents. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. The total contents are considered property of the deceased.

Which is why you hit the safety deposit box immediately after the person dies.

 

[Nancyg56]

McDonalds isn't open Thanksgiving or Christmas.

.

Let me rephrase: I would not participate in a "family" holiday if one sibling banned another. I would go anywhere where the entire family was welcomed.

 

[nkereina]

I don't think the OP's sister would have been game for another hotel just based on how many times she gets angry. Sometimes people who really are controlling lack the ability to compromise or even see the logic in it. Could the OP suck it up for 1 night? Sure but if it was a one off thing that's different than an overreaching feeling of having to do things according to the sister or suffer the consequences.

Yes, I did say that I understand the sister sounds irrational so that may not work out, but the issue seems to be that they are not staying together so there should be some middle ground they can find. I guess my issue is more of a lack of compromise on the OP's part.

As an adult, I do what I *choose* to do.

"Going along" with something is just choosing to capitulate.

"Have to" is not a valid reason for an adult to do anything.

As an adult, I go to my 9-5 job every day. Do I want to? No, I do it because I have to.
As an adult, I shower daily. Do I want to? Not always (LOL), I do it because I have to.
As an adult, I take my car to get an oil change. Do I want to? No, I do it because I have to.

My point is that adults have to do not so fun things all the time because of necessity, obligation, or whatever other reason. In the OP's scenario, with a contentious family situation but a sister that she has a relationship with no less, if it were me - the last thing I'd want to do is rock the boat. Its give and take - the sister was willing to go along with the OP having their own room and gave in on sharing, so it would be easy enough for the OP to give in on staying at a B&B and take her own room at the same hotel. Life is about compromise, and as I said up-thread, choosing our battles wisely. If the OP feels this is a worthwhile battle and is willing to be on rocky ground with the sister over it, then so be. OP knows the sister and situation better than any of us.

I agree, and I would do the same as you are suggesting. I just know that some people have things that really matter to them, especially when traveling, and I think that it is a kindness to make sure to take those things into consideration, even if doing all of the planning, and even if those things that matter to them don't matter to me (I am not saying that you disagree with this at all just how my brain is currently processing this) so I can see where the OP is coming from as well.

The OP was certainly in the right to ask the sister to include her when the planning occurred. Its annoying and unfortunate the sister did not. Hence, my suggestion of saying that to the sister and offering up a new hotel that's acceptable to all 3. Since we are being told the sister is irrational, I get that that may not work out either, but it would be a a sign of good faith and effort from the OP to show she's trying to make it work.


All of this being said, I do wish the OP well and hope it ends in a peaceful resolution. The OP asked for thoughts, and mine is just that I'd make a good effort to compromise with a sister that I love and want a relationship with yet I know is irrational.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Yes, I did say that I understand the sister sounds irrational so that may not work out, but the issue seems to be that they are not staying together so there should be some middle ground they can find. I guess my issue is more of a lack of compromise on the OP's part.

And here was my response to the compromise aspect.

Could the OP suck it up for 1 night? Sure but if it was a one off thing that's different than an overreaching feeling of having to do things according to the sister or suffer the consequences.

Sometimes you really just get sick of compromising all the time especially if the person you're compromising with pushes people around until they get their way. Compromise also goes both ways. And here the OP wasn't demanding the other 2 siblings follow suit and stay where she wanted to stay she just wanted to stay elsewhere and on her dime and on her own logistics of getting there seems like she's compromised there TBH.

 

[Cubbiecakes]

As an adult, I go to my 9-5 job every day. Do I want to? No, I do it because I have to.
As an adult, I shower daily. Do I want to? Not always (LOL), I do it because I have to.
As an adult, I take my car to get an oil change. Do I want to? No, I do it because I have to.

My point is that adults have to do not so fun things all the time because of necessity, obligation, or whatever...

You're not grasping the concept.

You do not "have to" go to work. You do not "have to" shower. You do not "have to" get your car's oil changed.

These are all conscious choices that you make. You choose to do these things to avoid the repercussions of not doing them (ie., getting fired, smelling like a bum, having you car's engine seize up and die spectacularly).

So you may "feel" you "have to" do these things, but the reality is that you choose to do them. Every action, every reaction, every day, is what you CHOOSE to do. Insisting that you "have to" do something and that you have no choice is giving up your own self-determination - giving up your own agency in your life, which is extremely childish and sheep-like behavior.

"There is always a choice. We say that there is no choice only to comfort ourselves with a decision we have already made." - Lady Morella

 

[nkereina]

Sometimes you really just get sick of compromising all the time especially if the person you're compromising with pushes people around until they get their way. Compromise also goes both ways. And here the OP wasn't demanding the other 2 siblings follow suit and stay where she wanted to stay she just wanted to stay elsewhere and on her dime and on her own logistics of getting there seems like she's compromised there TBH.

Fair enough. I see it differently, but I understand your point. I do agree the sister needs to bend on her side as well, but I think her bending was asking if OP could get her own room at the same hotel. And I think the sister likely meant it when she said it was for logistics and cost. Its fine if OP doesn't want to do that, but by opting not to do that, she knows its triggering her sister who already is already irrational to begin with. When I'm dealing with someone who is as crazy as the sister sounds, I have to decide if the outcome is worth the fight. In this case, it would not be to me. It sounds like OP is ok with her choice, so that's all that matters.

You're not grasping the concept.

You do not "have to" go to work. You do not "have to" shower. You do not "have to" get your car's oil changed.

These are all conscious choices that you make. You choose to do these things to avoid the repercussions of not doing them (ie., getting fired, smelling like a bum, having you car's engine seize up and die spectacularly).

So you may "feel" you "have to" do these things, but the reality is that you choose to do them. Every action, every reaction, every day, is what you CHOOSE to do. Insisting that you "have to" do something and that you have no choice is giving up your own self-determination - giving up your own agency in your life, which is extremely childish and sheep-like behavior.

"There is always a choice. We say that there is no choice only to comfort ourselves with a decision we have already made." - Lady Morella

No, I got it. By your logic then, there is nothing anyone HAS to do and everything is a choice. And maybe that's true, but there's things that adults as obligated, moral, law abiding humans should always choose to do. Things that many would consider not a choice, but a necessity. And some of those things are not pleasant. Which goes back to my point - if keeping peace with my crazy sister during a trying family time meant staying a night in a hotel I don't like, I'd probably do it.

It sounds like the OP has reached her breaking point with the sister, and this is the hill she's chosen to die on. I know crappy people like the sister too, and I know how I need to speak and act with them to maintain the relationship and my own sanity. I'm sure the OP is the same with the sister, but it seems like this scenario is her finally putting her foot down. Which is totally fine. My comments are more geared towards what I would do if I wanted to maintain some semblance of relationship with the sister and have everything be copacetic on an important trip with a lot of money at stake.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Fair enough. I see it differently, but I understand your point. I do agree the sister needs to bend on her side as well, but I think her bending was asking if OP could get her own room at the same hotel. And I think the sister likely meant it when she said it was for logistics and cost. Its fine if OP doesn't want to do that, but by opting not to do that, she knows its triggering her sister who already is already irrational to begin with. When I'm dealing with someone who is as crazy as the sister sounds, I have to decide if the outcome is worth the fight. In this case, it would not be to me. It sounds like OP is ok with her choice, so that's all that matters.

Well I totally agree on the outcome/worth the fight thing Sometimes you just gotta draw the line in the sand but that line in the sand will differ from person to person.

 

[luvsJack]

You're not grasping the concept.

You do not "have to" go to work. You do not "have to" shower. You do not "have to" get your car's oil changed.

These are all conscious choices that you make. You choose to do these things to avoid the repercussions of not doing them (ie., getting fired, smelling like a bum, having you car's engine seize up and die spectacularly).

So you may "feel" you "have to" do these things, but the reality is that you choose to do them. Every action, every reaction, every day, is what you CHOOSE to do. Insisting that you "have to" do something and that you have no choice is giving up your own self-determination - giving up your own agency in your life, which is extremely childish and sheep-like behavior.

"There is always a choice. We say that there is no choice only to comfort ourselves with a decision we have already made." - Lady Morella

You choose to do these things because you are an adult and an adult chooses to do the responsible thing. An adult should also choose to compromise at times when dealing with other people. Everything can not and will not always be your way. Not doing so is in fact childish. And realizing that does not make you sheepish.

 

[luvsJack]

Well I totally agree on the outcome/worth the fight thing Sometimes you just gotta draw the line in the sand but that line in the sand will differ from person to person.

Not disagreeing with your point but just for clarification: the op drawing a line in the sand is “standing up for herself” but her sister drawing a line in the sand is being controlling?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Not disagreeing with your point but just for clarification: the op drawing a line in the sand is “standing up for herself” but her sister drawing a line in the sand is being controlling?

lol..figures you'd go there. I think we both know what I meant and I think we both know the difference between a controlling (and chronically controlling person at that) and standing up for yourself once in a while to that chronically controlling person.

 

[luvsJack]

lol..figures you'd go there. I think we both know what I meant and I think we both know the difference between a controlling (and chronically controlling person at that) and standing up for yourself once in a while to that chronically controlling person.

But here is the thing. I have yet to read anything that said the sister was truly controlling. She got mad at her brother about the pictures and yeah, 4 years is a bit long. But there have been major family rifts over less. I have two bils not speaking over where some hogs were kept on their mother’s land and it was their mother’s hogs so neither one really had a dog in the hunt. Neither is controlling, they are just both stubborn “non dis friendly word”.

And now this trip. She wanted everyone to stay at x hotel. I don’t know why. You don’t know why. I don’t think the op even knows why. The op got miffed because she didn’t get any say so and chose another hotel. Well now the sister is miffed that the op did that. Just sounds like a sibling struggle of power to me.

But yeah, I do know what you mean. No one should have to compromise all the time with the same person.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

But here is the thing. I have yet to read anything that said the sister was truly controlling. She got mad at her brother about the pictures and yeah, 4 years is a bit long. But there have been major family rifts over less. I have two bils not speaking over where some hogs were kept on their mother’s land and it was their mother’s hogs so neither one really had a dog in the hunt. Neither is controlling, they are just both stubborn “non dis friendly word”.

And now this trip. She wanted everyone to stay at x hotel. I don’t know why. You don’t know why. I don’t think the op even knows why. The op got miffed because she didn’t get any say so and chose another hotel. Well now the sister is miffed that the op did that. Just sounds like a sibling struggle of power to me.

But yeah, I do know what you mean. No one should have to compromise all the time with the same person.

Well here's the thing you and I have differing opinions..that's totally ok.

But my comment still stands..in real life..all the time people make decisions where their line in the sand is. Only you and I do mean you can determine if that line in the sand is worth it.

 

[Skellingtonj]

Well here's the thing you and I have differing opinions..that's totally ok.

But my comment still stands..in real life..all the time people make decisions where their line in the sand is. Only you and I do mean you can determine if that line in the sand is worth it.

If you go back and read the first post, it seems like the op is the controlling one. She’s just spinning it so it looks like she is not.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

If you go back and read the first post, it seems like the op is the controlling one. She’s just spinning it so it looks like she is not.

Maybe maybe not. I don't really care at this point who is controlling and who isn't. My above comment you quoted goes far beyond a post on the DIS and so does the other one. Sub out the OP and insert whoever you want to and my opinion will still be the same.