Chapter 3: Chinese (and German, Mexican, Polynesian, Italian, and American) Water Torture
Where was I? Oh, right—eating my Dole Whip.
Mmmm….Dole Whip…
Huh? Where was I? Oh, right—eating my Do—
We’d better move on before I get caught in an endless loop there. Of course, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to be caught in an endless loop of Dole Whips for all eternity.
Mmmm…Dole Whips…
Gah! Snap out of it!
We left Adventureland and began moving towards Fantasyland once more, as we had our first FP of the day back at Peter Pan, which Drew was looking forward to riding again. We told him to look for Cinderella Castle along the way.
Yep, still there.
We arrived somewhat early for our FP window, so we needed something to do in the meantime. We looked around and saw the Tangled Tinkle Spot and It’s a Small World.
We chose the Tinkle Spot. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Unfortunately, after that we still had time to kill. It’s a Small World had only a 15-minute wait.
I proposed that we just hang out by the entrance to Peter Pan. Maybe do some people-watching. But then someone said the magic words—“boat ride”—to Drew, and just like that he was begging to go on a boat ride. Amidst my family’s admonishments of, “It’s not that bad,” and “Drew’s never been on it before,” I reluctantly got in line.
It had been 12 years since I’d last ridden It’s a Small World, way back in 2006. Check that—it had been a wonderful, glorious 12 years spent completely avoiding this infernal torture arena. My favorite visit to this “attraction” had taken place way back in 2010:
And now, here I was, trudging down the ramps to the Slow Boats of Constant Repetition. Resigned to my fate, I sat in the boat and sailed around the world for the next ten endless minutes while dolls danced to the same tune, over and over and over and over. And as I mentally willed the boat to suddenly grow an outboard motor, I had an epiphany.
Those of you who love this attraction are right. It’s really not all that annoying. It’s really not all that annoying. It’s really not all that annoying. It’s really not all that annoying. It’s really not all that annoying. It’s really not all that annoying. It’s really not all that annoying. It’s really not all that annoying. It’s really not all that annoying. It’s really not all that annoying. It’s really not all that annoying.
Ok, I’m lying. It really is that annoying. But even though I scrambled out of the boat at the end as though they had offered free bacon to the first one out, I realized that It’s a Small World is not far from being a great ride—maybe even a headliner. And Disney already has the technology to make it work. Several years ago, the DIS Dads had tossed around this idea, and I think it’s time to try it out. You already have a ride with laser cannons: Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin. How hard is it to make more laser cannons? Attach them to the boats, put targets on the dolls, throw in a few explosive/depth charge special effects, and voila! It’s a Small War. Best. Ride. Ever.
We used our FP’s on Peter Pan, and Drew was excited to ride this time. In general, we found that the second time through was the best ride for Drew. He knew what to expect and wasn’t apprehensive in the least. He could just sit back and enjoy the experience.
We continued our tour of Fantasyland by taking advantage of the never-crowded Mickey’s Philharmagic.
This is always cute and entertaining, but this time around it felt like the attraction needed some TLC. I always have trouble with 3D glasses due to the fact that I have to put them over my regular glasses, so there’s usually a tiny spot I have to hyper-focus on in the center of my view where everything looks clear. This time around, everything looked really murky. I don’t know if it’s the projection that is the problem or if they just need new glasses, but it was hard to make out what was going on. Despite that, Drew loved it. He thought it was really funny when Donald got blasted through the back wall of the theater.
On a visit later in the week, Julie took Drew by herself and said the view was much better from the back of the theater. So keep that in mind if you find yourself there.
It’s not a Disney trip until you start taking Stupid Hat Photos®.
Yeah, when it’s 95 degrees out and 95% humidity, there’s nothing I want more than a thick woolen hat.
At that point, it was time to split up. Julie, Drew and I had a FP for the Barnstormer, continuing the theme of “warmup” rides for the little guy. Sarah, Dave and Scott had a separate FP for Splash Mountain. Sarah had ridden that one way back in 2006 on our first Disney trip, but the boys had never been on it and were eager to correct that oversight. I think the kids were also looking forward to the fact that we were letting them go by themselves. No adult supervision. As they left, they looked something like this:
We started to remind them to stick together and send us a message when they were don—oh, they’re already gone.
We walked over to the Barnstormer with Drew, trying to get him pumped up for the next ride. It’ll be just like the Mine Train! Lots of fun! He couldn’t wait. We got up to the gate and showed him the ride, and we watched one of the “planes” swoop along the tracks.
Drew: “No! I don’t want to ride this.”
Um…ok. That was unexpected. Julie and I kept sweet-talking him. “It’ll be fun!” “You loved the Mine Train!” “It’s not even as big as the Mine Train!”
No dice. He wanted nothing to do with the Barnstormer. We even got to the point where we started carrying him up the path to the ride, figuring we’d just make him go and he’d find out he liked the ride afterwards (please get those Parents of the Year nomination forms ready). That quickly devolved into a full-on screaming, kicking temper tantrum—and it wasn’t even me this time! Drew fought and fought until we finally gave up.
Looking back, we think the problem was that the Barnstormer tracks are up in the air. Just poles supporting it, with lots of open space underneath. So where the Mine Train is all built on hills, the Barnstormer looks like it’s way up in the air to a little kid. Therefore, much less safe. That’s our theory, anyway.
We wandered around Tomorrowland and in the shops for a bit. There’s a lot of truth in this t-shirt:
There was also some lady riding around in a truck, inspecting guests to make sure they weren’t wearing capes.
Eventually we met up with the big kids back at the Barnstormer. They pronounced Splash Mountain to be “excellent”. Unfortunately, they didn’t scan their ride photo, so I have no evidence that they actually rode it. For all I know, they spent their time throwing popcorn at people riding by after the drop.
The wait for the Barnstormer was only 5 minutes, so our FP’s really weren’t necessary. We tried convincing Drew to go again, but he wouldn’t budge. So I rode it with the big kids. We thought maybe if they went on it, Drew would be convinced to give it a go.
That’s a negative, Houston. Mission aborted.
The big kids went on it again with Julie and then we moved on. We found something a little more Drew’s speed.
I’ve always like the Peoplemover. I know it’s not all that exciting or anything, but the nerd in me likes the fact that it’s powered by electromagnets. It also gives you a chance to rest weary legs while the scenery changes around you. And it’s pretty great scenery.
At one point, the ride completely stopped while we were inside Space Mountain, in pitch darkness. Thankfully, the emergency lights came on before Drew could get too worried about the dark. The big kids were incredibly nervous and fearful, however.
We weren’t stuck for very long. We had one more FP to use, on the Buzz Lightyear ride.
I may look like a mild-mannered guy, but at heart I’m very competitive. I hate losing at anything. My family has learned that it’s just best for me to avoid playing board games altogether because I’m such a poor loser. When you introduce me to a ride like Buzz Lightyear, where you can actually score points, well…there’s only one acceptable outcome.
I also learned a while back that it was possible to max out the score on Buzz, so this immediately became a life goal for me.
I’m not a very ambitious person.
So that’s two goals: beat the rest of the family at the game and max out the score, if possible. Now I’m reaching that point in middle age where the kids are almost as big as I am, and they’re all faster. So winning at sports doesn’t come nearly as easily as it used to, which is why I now avoid playing sports with them. Again, please submit those Father of the Year nominations prior to the deadline.
Anyway, when you are physically outmatched in competition, you must resort to the one alternative that remains: cheating. I started studying months before our trip, watching YouTube videos with the intensity of Kevin Costner watching the Zapruder film in JFK. I had every high-value target memorized. And if the kids asked where the targets were, I would actually tell them, because I’m
an idiot a big softy trying to make it seem like a fair fight when I claim victory later.
We scanned our Magic Bands and set off into the galaxy to do battle with Zurg. And I did…okay. I hit a couple of high-value targets and got over 300,000.
I had forgotten how hard it was to figure out which red dot in the dozens of red dots flashing on the walls was actually yours. Also, I had to steer and keep adjusting the vehicle’s position and it’s hard to do that an aim at the same time. Also, the sun was in my eyes.
Thankfully, my score was enough to beat everyone out, and they were all thoroughly impressed with my victory, by which I mean they rolled their eyes and starting walking away without me.
We had covered a great deal of the Magic Kingdom at this point—just about everything you can do with a little boy without getting on the Mountains. There was only one “big” ride left: the Haunted Mansion.
This was a dilemma, given his reaction to the Barnstormer. On the one hand, he’d done so well with almost all of the rides—even Pirates and the Mine Train. On the other hand, we didn’t want to re-live the Barnstormer meltdown.
We had “trained” him for the rides by showing him a lot of videos on YouTube prior to our trip. I know this is “spoiling” the ride for him ahead of time, but in the case of a 4-year-old, I think it works well to calm the nerves. He had watched the Haunted Mansion and had expressed interest in trying it…at the time.
So we asked Drew if he wanted to try it, and he said yes. When we got there, the line was posted as a 20-minute wait. We jumped in.
I figured if we could get Drew through the opening stretching room scene (specifically the part where the lights go out and there’s a scream) then we’d probably be ok. So when we got to the room, we tried to focus his attention on the paintings rather than listen to the Ghost Host. The scream came as a surprise, but it was over quickly. He seemed a little spooked, but walked with us to get on the Doom Buggies.
Sarah was walking a bit ahead of us and got on the conveyor belt. Just after that, a CM put her arm across the line and asked me to wait a bit. So Sarah ended up getting a private ride several cars ahead of us. She waved, so we had that going for us, which was nice.
We tried to point out the “silly” things happening along the way for Drew. By the time we got to the dining room and the dancing ghosts and he spotted the Hidden Mickey on the table, we knew we had it made. As it turned out, Drew loved the Haunted Mansion.
Whew.
It was now time for dinner. When I’d originally made my reservations, I’d planned to go back to an old favorite, the Whispering Canyon Café in the Wilderness Lodge. We’d always had a lot of fun with the antics of the wait staff there. Then, about a month before our trip, Disney announced that they would be “enhancing the guest experience” by toning down the antics. In other words, some stick-in-the-mud guests thought it was too loud and they ended up winning the argument.
Well, the food there wasn’t enough of a draw by itself. We decided it wasn’t worth going if it wasn’t going to be any fun. So we changed the reservation and mourned the loss of yet another little bit of enjoyment from Disney World.
My parents had flown in that day and were entering the park for the first time in the evening. We met them for dinner at The Plaza on Main St. We’d never eaten there before.
We did the standard Save-The-Family-$18-Right-Off-The-Bat trick by ordering water for everyone. Being that this was an ice cream parlor, we gave thought to dessert, but that could also add up quickly on the bill. Then I saw that the milkshakes were bottomless. I pulled off my shoes and socks so I could do some quick math. According to my calculations, bottomless milkshakes = unlimited ice cream. So if I got one milkshake, I could pass it around the table, everyone could get some, then I could get a refill (of a different flavor, too!) and repeat….
Yep, the math checked out. One milkshake would serve as the family dessert.
As we waited, Sarah grabbed the crayons they had given Drew to keep him occupied. She looked out the window and just started doodling on her napkin.
A few minutes later, just as dinner was being served, she had produced this:
This young woman just stuns me. She's an amazing talent.
I got a burger piled high with pulled pork, since I’m now taking cholesterol medication that magically counteracts anything unhealthy in my food. The burger was pretty good. The milkshake was better.
Julie tried the fried green tomato sandwich. She said it was decent, but a pale shadow of the ones her mom used to make.
I think everyone else had standard burgers except for Sarah, who couldn’t resist an order of the loaded bacon cheese ranch fries. She seemed very happy with her choice.
Overall, the Plaza was deemed “pretty good”. I’d go back; I don’t know that I’d make it a priority.
Dusk began to fall, and my parents were off to ride Pirates and anything else they could squeeze in before calling it a night. We could see the crowds gathering for the nighttime shows already.
We decided to head back and get some rest. It had already been a long, very successful day getting Drew acclimated to the rides. And we’d have a long week ahead of us. We stopped for some photos on the way out. Drew seemed happier here.
We took the bus back to Coronado. It was a muggy night, and the air was still. There’s something about Disney Parks lit up at night.
Everyone was excitedly re-capping the events of the day, looking forward to Epcot in the morning. No more training days for Drew—now it was time to have the full Disney Experience. Drew, for his part, couldn’t wait.
Drew?
Drew?
Come to think of it, I’m not as young as I used to be. That was a lot of walking, especially in Florida heat. My feet hurt. I’d like to change my clothes. Maybe if I just lie down for a sec—
ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz…
(whispers)
Coming Up Next: We head to Epcot. Should we tell Drew how fast Test Track goes?