Anyone Else Have a Controlling Sibling? - Resolved Post 216

[manning]

You need a lawyer and right now. One in the state where your father died that knows estate law. Do not try and settle that estate without one. As your father died without a will, he didn't appoint you sister to settle it.

That's right, the court appoints an executor

 

[ronandannette]

I don't really expect her to change. I guess I just needed to vent. I hope she doesn't try to stop our visits with my neices because of this.

Vent on - truly this situation sucks. But as to the bolded, you may in fact have to face this if she is as strong-willed as you describe. @Jennasis urged you to "do you" and also very astutely pointed out you have to weigh whatever the consequences of it will be.

You might also consider spacing out your visits a bit more, perhaps every other week. Then try to have her come to your house. Both of these steps will start to put you in the driver's seat and take some control back from your sister. As for your trip, could you stay at the same hotel but in a room of your own? If the trip will be short, that might be a compromise that will keep things a little less stressful.

Great post and excellent, excellent advice! I especially like the part about the hotel. If I were smart enough to have thought of it, that's exactly what I would do.

Let me get this straight. Your sister spent 9 months carrying a baby and god knows how long in labor and delivery just for your brother to swoop in and usurp her role as the parent so he could post the first pictures of HER newborn child on social media without her permission? How soon after birth did he do this? Had she even had the chance to announce the child’s birth herself? Or time to take her own pictures...or bond with the baby...had she even had time to recover? And when she asked him to take the pictures down, instead of falling all over himself with apologies as he should have done, he dragged his feet removing them. This was so grossly disrespectful to your sister — You really don’t see the problem with this?

I agree it was a gobsmackingly big mistake for which he was 100% at fault and should have apologized profusely. I disagree, however, that a 4-year estrangement was a reasonable response.

 

[kimblebee]

My sister tries to be controlling..and she’s younger lol

I, too, would be mad if someone posted a picture of my newborn before I could. Not four years mad, but still mad.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I agree it was a gobsmackingly big mistake for which he was 100% at fault and should have apologized profusely. I disagree, however, that a 4-year estrangement was a reasonable response.

Whether I’d consider it a reasonable response would depend on whether this was an out-of-character blunder for which he was genuinely apologetic, or yet another offense in a long line of disrespectful actions against me, or something in between. Knowing how this fits into the context of the bigger picture of the family dynamics matters here (to me).

 

[brockash]

Let me get this straight. Your sister spent 9 months carrying a baby and god knows how long in labor and delivery just for your brother to swoop in and usurp her role as the parent so he could post the first pictures of HER newborn child on social media without her permission? How soon after birth did he do this? Had she even had the chance to announce the child’s birth herself? Or time to take her own pictures...or bond with the baby...had she even had time to recover? And when she asked him to take the pictures down, instead of falling all over himself with apologies as he should have done, he dragged his feet removing them. This was so grossly disrespectful to your sister — You really don’t see the problem with this?

I agree, I would have been angry and offended as well, not that it would've taken me 4 years to get over, but in my opinion your brother was totally wrong to do that without permission. I get annoyed when ppl post a pic with my kid in it, in general, so yes I would've been really annoyed/angry about that. As for the rest, I mean it sounds like she can be and is really helpful, but also has control issues. Stay where you want, rent a car of your own - all with your own money and meet them everywhere. Not ideal, but you can't change her.

 

[ronandannette]

Whether I’d consider it a reasonable response would depend on whether this was an out-of-character blunder for which he was genuinely apologetic, or yet another offense in a long line of disrespectful actions against me, or something in between. Knowing how this fits into the context of the bigger picture of the family dynamics matters here (to me).

Hard to know if it was a "last straw" type of thing, but the OP didn't make it sound like that.

 

[Disney Doll]

The baby thing, while annoying, probably wouldn’t be 4 years worth of annoying in my book. I think the OP said the brother and sister had gotten along before that so that’s an extreme reaction to that IMHO.

The issue isn’t so much her need to control as it is the fact that everyone lets her control because they don’t want to face her wrath. Having separate holidays for 4 years wouldn’t have happened in my world. It would have been very simple “we love you both. We want you both at the holiday. You’ll both be invited. Your choice whether to come or not”. Yes her obstinence May mean that you don’t see her but she will also no longer be controlling you. Only you can decide which is more important to you...loss of control or loss of a relationship with your sister. Becausebone or the other will probably happen.

And I agree with you about the trip OP. No way I’d be sleeping 3 to a room in a seedy motel as an adult. I’d do exactly what you’re doing. Get my own
Room and either rent a car or taxi to wherever we need to be.

 

[Kellykins1218]

Let me get this straight. Your sister spent 9 months carrying a baby and god knows how long in labor and delivery just for your brother to swoop in and usurp her role as the parent so he could post the first pictures of HER newborn child on social media without her permission? How soon after birth did he do this? Had she even had the chance to announce the child’s birth herself? Or time to take her own pictures...or bond with the baby...had she even had time to recover? And when she asked him to take the pictures down, instead of falling all over himself with apologies as he should have done, he dragged his feet removing them. This was so grossly disrespectful to your sister — You really don’t see the problem with this?

I don't see any problem with it. She asked him to take down the picture (which I personally find ridiculous) and he did. Big deal. There was nothing disrespectful LOL.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I don't see any problem with it. She asked him to take down the picture (which I personally find ridiculous) and he did. Big deal. There was nothing disrespectful LOL.

I realize we now live in the social media age, but personally, I'd be happy if my brother cared enough about me and my newborn baby to 1) come vist us in the hospital and 2) post a picture of my baby with a loving comment.

 

[smokeyblue]

My fear would be that she'd repeat this behavior with your children. I had an aunt that was very controlling. She did something pretty inexcusable to me when I was 7 years old and 30 years later, it still makes me upset.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The details on what happened with the brother are totally meaningless and off topic here.
Don't know why some people are so hung-up on that????
This has nothing to do with that.

OP, this is about your sister, and settling your father's affairs / estate.

My advice, again, is to contact a lawyer...
Perhaps, if you are sure he would be onboard, also involve your brother in this.

It is simply going to have to happen, by necessity, unless your sister's name is listed on all accounts and assets.
It just is.....
I would suggest this happen immediately, and that you are involved in finding a legal professional and being present at any first meeting.

I would not be seeking and 'obeying' anyone, in order to not be ostracized or shunned.
If a family member is THAT controlling, and cares so little about others that she could actually block them out of her life... that is all I would need to know.
This is not all that uncommon... I am quite sure that many hear have had this type of family member to deal with.
And, from what you have posted, your sister IS one of these types.

I would probably be rethinking my relationship and personal boundaries with this sister.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Smokeyblue is right....
That would be my fear.
I would not want to put my children in any situation where their mother, and themselves, are always at risk of being rejected/ostracized/controlled etc.

 

[Floridaman999]

My brother is an air traffic controller. That's all I got.

 

[ShirikiUtundu]

Sounds kind of like you are all jockeying for control...

Family dynamics can rarely be changed after half a lifetime. But you can change how you deal with them.

I suggest that if you think that she is controlling things, stop putting her in the position to do so.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, before you go cutting people off or contacting lawyers and causing a huge family rift, have you talked to your sister and asked why this is so important to her? Maybe there is some reason that she wanted you all to stay together that you haven't thought of.

We accused someone of being controlling about a couple of issues, but once we talked to the person and honestly got their reasons behind some things, we realized they really weren't trying to control. Just weren't communicating that well. Lesson learned on both sides.

I wouldn't want to sleep three adults to a room particularly but honestly it is just one night (you said it yourself), its wouldn't be the end of the world. Maybe she sees you as being controlling--"can't have it MY way, I will just sit over here" kind of thing. But you won't know if you don't talk to her.

Sometimes things are important to other people for reasons we can't see or even understand. That doesn't make them wrong.

As for going to your sister's house every weekend, it sounds like that has been your choice. Do you now resent her for that? You said it is important to you to keep the cousins close. I am picturing it as a Sunday family dinner and her house is the gathering place? That's a fairly normal thing around here so I am not really seeing the problem. Either go or don't. Only you can decide how important it is to you.

 

[Sadeesmom]

OP, before you go cutting people off or contacting lawyers and causing a huge family rift, have you talked to your sister and asked why this is so important to her? Maybe there is some reason that she wanted you all to stay together that you haven't thought of.

I admit it-I’m the oldest and I’m the controlling one in our family, so I’m trying to see it from your sisters point of view. If she’s anything like me, she grew up always being the helper, in charge of her younger siblings, so essentially trained to be controlling. By this stage of your lives, that’s just who she is and even if she’s aware of it and tries to watch it, old habits die hard.

She could have put you guys all in one cheap room for a couple of reasons I can think of and maybe more of her own. 1) she’s feeling lonely/vulnerable after the loss of your father and doesn’t want to be alone-maybe she wants the comfort of her siblings and/or the one on one time without the rest of the family around. 2) she’s trying to be fiscally responsible with the shared inheritance.

I agree with several previous suggestions here-it’s only one night, so what’s the harm in just getting a separate room in the same (crappy) hotel? Before you rush into getting a lawyer and potentially causing a bigger rift than the 4 years your brother did, talk things through with her and find out her reasoning behind her actions. She obviously cares a bit and isn’t 100% controlling since she didn’t book the rental car and flights on her own too.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have a controlling (younger) sister, I’m usually ok with the dynamics (I did stand my ground on an issue last summer). DH has 2 older sisters, they travel together in the same hotel room, they are all very easy going (my sister would never sleep 3 adults in any hotel room, 2 only if they were married, and even then, it would be a very nice room).

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't care how, or why, or what other justifications there might be....
Controlling is controlling is controlling....
In the end, nobody has the right to control another human being to that extent.
If I want my own room... I want my own room.
The sister is pretty much expecting other free independent adults to sleep in a room with her, share a bathroom, maybe even a bed... and PAY for it.
Without even 'asking' or discussing. That is just beyond.

And, the whole shunning and ostracization thing... that's a whole 'nother level.

The OP needs to learn how to see and respond/deal with this.
That goes without saying.
If this sister chooses to cut people out of her life, the OP has absolutely no responsibility for that.

But, back to the important topic....
Everything else is meaningless distraction here.
What we are talking about here is a situation regarding the deceased father's affairs/estate.
Unless this sister's name is listed on everything, and every account, as the sole, one and only, co-owner,
A LAWYER WILL BE NECESSARY.

That is just how it works.

 

[Shanti]

OP, before you go cutting people off or contacting lawyers and causing a huge family rift, have you talked to your sister and asked why this is so important to her? Maybe there is some reason that she wanted you all to stay together that you haven't thought of.

We accused someone of being controlling about a couple of issues, but once we talked to the person and honestly got their reasons behind some things, we realized they really weren't trying to control. Just weren't communicating that well. Lesson learned on both sides.

I wouldn't want to sleep three adults to a room particularly but honestly it is just one night (you said it yourself), its wouldn't be the end of the world. Maybe she sees you as being controlling--"can't have it MY way, I will just sit over here" kind of thing. But you won't know if you don't talk to her.

Sometimes things are important to other people for reasons we can't see or even understand. That doesn't make them wrong.

As for going to your sister's house every weekend, it sounds like that has been your choice. Do you now resent her for that? You said it is important to you to keep the cousins close. I am picturing it as a Sunday family dinner and her house is the gathering place? That's a fairly normal thing around here so I am not really seeing the problem. Either go or don't. Only you can decide how important it is to you.

I don't resent her at all. I haven't had any problem with her. That is why I needed to vent when she got so angry about this- I really don't get it, as it's in the context of an otherwise positive relationship. To clarify for everyone on the thread:

• I choose for my son and I to visit them every Sunday after church and we're genuinely happy to do so. I love my nieces and want to build a strong relationship with them and always be there for them. No meals are served during our visits and that's good, too. My sister says we're welcome, so I text or call each Sunday verifying a good time to stop by, we then come over & visit for 30-60 minutes, then leave. This will only end if my sister wants it to end, because I, my son, and my nieces are all happy with it. My sister & her husband have always appeared to be happy with it, too.
• I wasn't trying to respond in any nasty way about the hotel thing. She sent angry texts questioning my decision, and rather than respond to those I called her so we could talk about it, which seems more civil to me. But she was angry on the phone. I kept the call short because I'm not going to be chewed out at length simply because I want to travel as an independent adult during this trip. I'm sure she's angry about that, too, but I can't control her anger- I am genuinely not trying to provoke it. I'm not trying to control the trip. I've told her that I appreciate the work she's done to manage the details, & said I'm fine with paying a third of their accommodations/rental car, even though I've also booked my own on my own dime.
• I'm not worried about her cheating me out of my inheritance. She's insisting this trip, as well as a trip she & my brother did last summer that was also related to this, be paid for out of our inheritance. I know she has no legal right to insist on that, but the trips are not so expensive that I really mind paying a third, given that she's put a lot of effort into planning everything and unearthing my father's accounts. The money that is recovered, beyond what's being spent on these logistical trips, is being divided into thirds among us siblings. I don't think an attorney is needed. If a rip-off seemed to be looming, though, I would certainly get one.
• I'm not worried about her abusing my child. He wouldn't be around her for a moment if I had that concern. She's not an evil or sick person, just unreasonably controlling. That's a part of her personality that I don't usually have to interact with now that we're adults, but this trip has really brought it out into the open.

Thanks for the support and all of the thoughtful comments, from you and everyone else on this thread. I got attacked by her so out of the blue on this that part of me thought maybe I was in the wrong for wanting a bit of independence, but most comments have confirmed my feeling that I have the right to make my own decision on where & how I stay during the trip.

 

[NAB]

I don't care how, or why, or what other justifications there might be....
Controlling is controlling is controlling....
In the end, nobody has the right to control another human being to that extent.
If I want my own room... I want my own room.
The sister is pretty much expecting other free independent adults to sleep in a room with her, share a bathroom, maybe even a bed... and PAY for it.
Without even 'asking' or discussing. That is just beyond.

And, the whole shunning and ostracization thing... that's a whole 'nother level.

The OP needs to learn how to see and respond/deal with this.
That goes without saying.
If this sister chooses to cut people out of her life, the OP has absolutely no responsibility for that.

But, back to the important topic....
Everything else is meaningless distraction here.
What we are talking about here is a situation regarding the deceased father's affairs/estate.
Unless this sister's name is listed on everything, and every account, as the sole, one and only, co-owner,
A LAWYER WILL BE NECESSARY.

That is just how it works.

I thought the whole thing was about the sister wanting her not to get her own hotel room and share the one that she got for all three. The OP did say they were going there to open a safety deposit box and that there father died she didn't say anything about the sister taking over that part that bothered her.

I don't understand the whole going to her sisters every weekend. Does the sister make her do that? I go to my brothers and sisters more then they come to me. Actually now that I think about it is always that way. I don't find that because they say it has to be that way. Not sure why one of the other posters said she would push this controling on her children either? Don't they just go visit?

Can't believe this is all over a hotel room. I think the sister just wants to spend as little as possible of the inheritence. Now if your sister didn't talk to you after you chose to get your own hotel maybe that would be an issue .