Anyone Else Have a Controlling Sibling? - Resolved Post 216

Sounds like another controlling, manipulative narcissist. My life improved immeasurably once I cut contact with this person.

I would get the legal advice the other posters have suggested. You may wish you had done so later. I will just say that often after a parent dies, the controlling sibling helps themselves to whatever they can get their hands on ‘because they deserve it’.

Good luck!
 
I admit it-I’m the oldest and I’m the controlling one in our family, so I’m trying to see it from your sisters point of view. If she’s anything like me, she grew up always being the helper, in charge of her younger siblings, so essentially trained to be controlling. By this stage of your lives, that’s just who she is and even if she’s aware of it and tries to watch it, old habits die hard.

She could have put you guys all in one cheap room for a couple of reasons I can think of and maybe more of her own. 1) she’s feeling lonely/vulnerable after the loss of your father and doesn’t want to be alone-maybe she wants the comfort of her siblings and/or the one on one time without the rest of the family around. 2) she’s trying to be fiscally responsible with the shared inheritance.

I agree with several previous suggestions here-it’s only one night, so what’s the harm in just getting a separate room in the same (crappy) hotel? Before you rush into getting a lawyer and potentially causing a bigger rift than the 4 years your brother did, talk things through with her and find out her reasoning behind her actions. She obviously cares a bit and isn’t 100% controlling since she didn’t book the rental car and flights on her own too.
Here's a bit more info:
  • None of this was triggered by any of us being emotional about my father's death. My father completely dropped out of our lives when I was in high school. I'm in my forties now, but hadn't even seen him or heard from him since age 18, and that's actually fine with me. Things weren't great for us growing up. This is why there was no will and so much sleuthing has been needed to find his leftover money.
  • My sister wasn't a caretaker type when we were growing up. She was more the "I'm getting everything my way or else" type. She was/is my mother's favorite, which is one reason why family events tend to occur at her house, and why her shunning of my brother had so much impact on the family. She has a lot of power in the family. However, I don't care as long as that doesn't infringe on my own life, which it usually does not. I've been through a lot of hard things in life, and I value a harmonious extended family, so I go along with the status quo as much as is comfortable.
  • I am an independent thinker and doer. I am making this trip at her request, but for the sake of my own comfort, enjoyment, and exercise of my own free will, I will have my own transportation and lodging. I'm anticipating there being some down time during this trip, and if there is, I'm going to spend it at Balboa park and/or at the beach. And I'm not going to ask anyone's permission for that.
 
I choose for my son and I to visit them every Sunday after church and we're genuinely happy to do so. I love my nieces and want to build a strong relationship with them and always be there for them. No meals are served during our visits and that's good, too. My sister says we're welcome, so I text or call each Sunday verifying a good time to stop by, we then come over & visit for 30-60 minutes, then leave. This will only end if my sister wants it to end, because I, my son, and my nieces are all happy with it. My sister & her husband have always appeared to be happy with it, too.

Hint: try not showing up one Sunday, then you'll see a whole level of control freak freak-out.

My sister wasn't a caretaker type when we were growing up. She was more the "I'm getting everything my way or else" type. She was/is my mother's favorite, which is one reason why family events tend to occur at her house, and why her shunning of my brother had so much impact on the family. She has a lot of power in the family. However, I don't care as long as that doesn't infringe on my own life, which it usually does not. I've been through a lot of hard things in life, and I value a harmonious extended family, so I go along with the status quo as much as is comfortable.

Well, I hope you enjoy being dragged into her hell as she ages and becomes even more controlling...

Honestly, get the money and then get out. With this type of toxic person I'd seriously be questioning whether I even want the money at all. Not worth dealing with a control freak/
narcissist to me at all.
 
I don't really expect her to change. I guess I just needed to vent. I hope she doesn't try to stop our visits with my neices because of this.

Personally I would reduce the time I spent with this toxic person as much as possible. Is she still even married?
 


I understand the sister's upset about posting the pics of her newborn. It's not worthy of a four-year ban, let alone being allowed to dictate that ban to mom! and sibling. That should have been nipped in the bud, and hard.

As far as the estate, it sounds as if sis has done a LOT more work that is understood, particularly in the circumstances with a parent who has been completely AWOL for decades. Taking care of the estate of a parent you know well and are privy to a lot of private information can be a lot of work. Doing so for a parent you effectively do not know and live at a great distance from is a large undertaking. The fact that she has apparently been so diligent, transparent and above board says a lot for her -- despite her need to control. There are probably a lot of expenses she could write off to the estate that a court would have no problem blessing. I encourage OP to keep this in mind in regards to matters of the estate and not suddenly develop an urge to become petty after the sister has shouldered the load.

As far as the hotel arrangements, with the details given I see the controlling sibling overstepping a bit, but I quite frankly think OP might have compromised for one night to get a separate room at her expense at the same hotel sister booked.
 
I don't care how, or why, or what other justifications there might be....
Controlling is controlling is controlling....
In the end, nobody has the right to control another human being to that extent.
If I want my own room... I want my own room.
The sister is pretty much expecting other free independent adults to sleep in a room with her, share a bathroom, maybe even a bed... and PAY for it.
Without even 'asking' or discussing. That is just beyond.

And, the whole shunning and ostracization thing... that's a whole 'nother level.

The OP needs to learn how to see and respond/deal with this.
That goes without saying.
If this sister chooses to cut people out of her life, the OP has absolutely no responsibility for that.

But, back to the important topic....
Everything else is meaningless distraction here.
What we are talking about here is a situation regarding the deceased father's affairs/estate.
Unless this sister's name is listed on everything, and every account, as the sole, one and only, co-owner,
A LAWYER WILL BE NECESSARY.

That is just how it works.

But the THREE of them need to agree on and go to a lawyer. If the Op chooses one and goes, she is no better than her sister.

And no “controlling is controlling is controlling, it’s just not. If the sister is trying to arrange something that they see as a “nice way to bond” for example and the op says “nope I am staying over here” especially after the op offered to pick the room because she is picky, the sister probably sees this a whole lot different than the OP. I mean that sounds a bit controlling on the OP’s part too.



Op, is your mother still alive? Maybe your sister feels that she is desperately trying to keep the family together. Maybe she feels bad about the 4 years without your brother. Maybe she has her own side to that story. Seems to me it wouldn’t hurt to have a heart to heart with her and see how she feels.
 
Thanks for the support and all of the thoughtful comments, from you and everyone else on this thread. I got attacked by her so out of the blue on this that part of me thought maybe I was in the wrong for wanting a bit of independence, but most comments have confirmed my feeling that I have the right to make my own decision on where & how I stay during the trip.

Regarding the last part of your post, I don't think you are wrong at all. You even specifically let your sister know in advance that this was something that was important to you, and that you wanted to be included in the decision, in my opinion she was completely wrong to not consult you and to completely ignore your feelings/request when it came to the accommodations. I probably would have just reserved my own room in the same hotel, but if you would prefer to stay elsewhere it really shouldn't be that big of a deal, you are an adult who can presumably get to all of the places that you need to be at the appointed time, she should just let it go and trust that you will make it work.

One of my SILs is very controlling. I used to engage with her and get sucked in, but I have stopped with all of that. If she wants to cry because she isn't getting her way, she can do that, but I will ignore her. If she wants to yell at me she can yell at the wall, because I will not be yelled at by another adult and will hang up the phone or walk away. When she is ready to have a civil conversation I will engage with her, but I will not be drawn into her hysterics, and I will not bend over backwards to accommodate her just because she cries or yells. I don't do manipulation and quite frankly she seems to get that now and doesn't try those things with me anymore.
 


Op, is your mother still alive? Maybe your sister feels that she is desperately trying to keep the family together....Seems to me it wouldn’t hurt to have a heart to heart with her and see how she feels.
Yes, our mother is still alive and well. I did talk to my sister about this. She complained about cost (which I repeatedly told her is not a concern as I'm paying for both mine & a third of theirs) and inconvenience.

I haven't hurt her. I've angered her. There's a difference.
 
Obviously, there is a family issue as well. There is no way that I would spend four years going to family events where one of my siblings was shunned, and shunned for simply making a stupid mistake - one that he fixed for her. And something that he probably did out of love, no matter how people perceived it. No way, a strong conversation/change in dynamic would ensue.

I can also see that it was a painful time Shanti.

Just deal with her differently. If she starts shouting when you're trying to have a rational conversation, just tell her that you can't and you're getting off the phone. Also when talking to someone who is enraged do not change your words/sentences at all, not one iota. Just repeat the same words - short, firm and simple over and over. They are often looking for something else to grab onto.

If I cut a family member because they act inappropriately, well family would suddenly be quite a bit smaller. :rotfl2:Not happening. And heck, maybe my siblings think I've been at fault at times. Just somehow teach her what is not okay with you.

I fully understand the love that you have for your family, wanting to be together Shanti. Wanting that connection for your children and hers. It's important.

I think some changes on how you deal with her will make a difference going forward.

And don't underestimate the feelings that can come up with your father, and with your siblings around it. Just because you didn't have a relationship with him lately does not mean some feelings are not intruding on this time. :hug: Also, don't think you completely know your own upbringing, as a family. Siblings can have an extremely different outlook on their past/everyone's past. And that doesn't mean one is valid and the other's outlook is not. Just speaking in general Shanti, not at you.

I get your decision of wanting your own space on the trip. I think it's valid and smart. But I also hear some posters that are openly wondering if she saw this as time all together, or saw it in a way that you're simply not seeing. Can you not compromise for one night? And book your own room at the same place.

And since you write like you are close to your sister, have you asked her what she is so angry about?
 
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As far as the estate, it sounds as if sis has done a LOT more work that is understood, particularly in the circumstances with a parent who has been completely AWOL for decades. Taking care of the estate of a parent you know well and are privy to a lot of private information can be a lot of work. Doing so for a parent you effectively do not know and live at a great distance from is a large undertaking. The fact that she has apparently been so diligent, transparent and above board says a lot for her -- despite her need to control. There are probably a lot of expenses she could write off to the estate that a court would have no problem blessing. I encourage OP to keep this in mind in regards to matters of the estate and not suddenly develop an urge to become petty after the sister has shouldered the load.
Yes, I see it that way, too. I'm not petty, which is why i'm paying 1/3 of their expenses without complaint.
 
What I don't understand is how you can even get access to your father's accounts/safety deposit boxes without a will, or probate.
Via his death certificate, our affadavits & birth certificates, etc., and the fact that there is no other next of kin making counter claims. And because we're not talking about millions of dollars. Banks don't get to just keep a deceased person's money because there is no will or attorney involved.
 
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Via affadavits, birth certificates, etc., and the fact that there is no other next of kin making counter claims. And because we're not talking about millions of dollars. Banks don't get to just keep a deceased person's money because there is no will or attorney involved.

I am just amazed. I don't doubt this is what is happening for you, but when my DM died two years ago, we had to take copies of her will into the bank to get her funds released. This was our small local bank where we had all banked at for 30+ years, so they knew us and knew we were her DDs, but we still had to prove up our claim to her $. I swear there were copies of that will all over the place, bank, insurance companies, financial planners, etc.
 
Yes, our mother is still alive and well. I did talk to my sister about this. She complained about cost (which I repeatedly told her is not a concern as I'm paying for both mine & a third of theirs) and inconvenience.

I haven't hurt her. I've angered her. There's a difference.

No you’re not doing exactly as she says. It doesn’t matter you have a mind of your own, she needs to tell everyone everywhere what to do. Stop engaging. Make the plans and go. And yes get a lawyer I don’t see this ending well
 
I guess I don't see what is so controlling here. I think she is trying to make is easy on everyone and for the estate to pay for it so no one has to pay out of pocket. Would I do it that way? No I wouldn't be that's me. It hard to make everyone happy when your the executor. I was one and still am for my parents estate. It is the worst job when you have crappy siblings who are greedy and only care about themselves. I am not saying that is how this situation is - that was my situation.

At any rate - maybe she was mad at your brother for more than just that - maybe she wasn't who knows but that's in the past now and it seems to me you are afraid of her - afraid that she is going to ban you from seeing her family. Maybe you should talk to her about that. That would be my suggestion instead of being afraid - address it. You are tip toeing around her - stop it. You are adults. Talk to her.
 
Via his death certificate, our affadavits & birth certificates, etc., and the fact that there is no other next of kin making counter claims. And because we're not talking about millions of dollars. Banks don't get to just keep a deceased person's money because there is no will or attorney involved.

Is it worth this aggravation? I can’t see how all this is worth whatever money is in his accounts.
 
I hope she doesn't try to stop our visits with my neices because of this.

Try not to pre-think someone's actions. I have this exact tendency in my own personality. I know she has a past of cutting off family for irrational reasons, so I understand perfectly why the thought originated for you.

But I believe, actually I know, it creates undue stress for you. And sometimes it gets people like us wound up, at a time when you need complete clarity when dealing with the situation. And as others have said you can't walk on eggshells because of the threat in your head of what your sister might do.
 
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