Being put in the middle

[BibbidiBobbidiBOO]

I don't know how young children manage their parents divorcing since I can't handle my parents divorce and I am in my late 30's! I really don't want to hear all the details daily, I don't want my mom using me and the kids to tell my dad stuff. But that is what is happening and I hate it. I am mad at both of them(more mad at my dad for causing the divorce) and hate to be put upon. I know mom is lonely now, but she wants ME to be the replacement and I have my own DH and kids and cannot be there for her 24/7(nor do I want to be-she is a basket case and IS getting counseling). She demands and expects a lot from me now. I have a feeling things could get ugly down the road as the legal proceedings begin. I NEVER expected this from my parents, they had community respect and family values before this "thing" came between them. Any words of advice? I want to run away from them . (PS-we live in the same city)

 

[mrsv98]

Sorry about all this BBB...

My parents divorced when I was 13 and it was a *****. As the oldest, they both tried to get me to be in the middle, take messages, spy for them, etc. The best thing you can do is to stop them. Tell them in a loving but firm way, that you understand she/he is in pain, but it is difficult for you, also, and you don't feel comfortable hearing and/or telling details from one side or the other. Be consistent so one parent doesn't feel you are "favoring" the other. Be strong, it is hard but it does get better. Both my parents eventually remarried (that's another thread by itself! ) and now, they are friendly once more. In fact, they will both be here for DD's 3rd birthday party tomorrow.

{{HUGS}} I hope you feel better, too!

 

[Curly Q]

Maybe you could take her to WDW. Sorry about your parents, I had a very hard time with my parents and I was 20. It is always very sad Make sure you tell your Mom these things, or it may come out worse than you want or intended ((((hugs))))

 

[December99]

My parents divorced after 22 years of marriage due to things I never even knew until it happened - and some of it was bad. I was 18 and didn't have to chose who I wanted to live with - thank goodness!!!! I too, even until the day my mom died and still, have been in the middle. And on top of it my dad and brother don't speak so I'm in the middle of that one too. A few years ago I told them all that if they couldn't civily call each other on the phone to ask the questions that they are asking me, then they don't need to know. That lasted about a year.

I have been divorced and because I refuse to let my dd be the middleman - it has come to a point that her grandparents can't see here. There was too much happening and my exmil was causing too much hardship on my daughter. Telling her things that weren't true or information that she didn't have all the right info on, etc. So I said that was it - after asking her to stop. It's not fair to us as the kids to have to do that.

 

[BibbidiBobbidiBOO]

What's weird is my Dad has never told us ANYTHING. We know what is going on from mom. She tells too much, more than ANY child wants to know about their parents ! Dad tries to pretend that we know nothing.
No WAY would I take mom to WDW now. We are going to escape reality and she would be a constant reminder! I could not stand to be with her 24/7(she still nags me )
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I am afraid my Dad could remarry and I NEVER want to meet the witch.

 

[nativetxn]

I would find some way to scrape up the money and put her on a cruise--say a 10 day one. It won't make things easier when she finally gets home but you would have had a 10 break

This is a difficult situation to be in and I'm sorry you are having to deal with it. I can "feel" your pain in this post. {{{HUGS}}} for you.

You are going to have to sit your mother down and just tell her you can't, and shouldn't have to, deal with this. Remind her that half of you is represented by your father. When she tells you bad (to you) things about him, she makes you feel bad about yourself and not only that but she makes you feel bad about the half of you that is represented by her, your mother.

Just tell her. It won't be fun. Just do it and get it over with and then don't let her make you deal with this anymore. It's really not any of your business. You didn't have anything to do with whatever happened and you don't need to know about it now, either.

You need to love and respect both of your parents. Sometimes that's a tough thing to do. Ask her to help you do that.

Katholyn

 

[kdibattista]

Hugs to you

 

[lmj]

I know exactly how you feel. My parents divorced after 27 years when I was 23. My mother was devestated and probably would have committed suicide if I had not also been pregnant with her first grand child at the time. I was the middle man as my parents were trying to reach a divorce agreement rather than leaving it all up to the court. I would not repeat those days for anything.

It has been almost 8 years now and things have gotten better. My mother is very much a part of mine and my family's lives. She goes on vacations with us and lives in an in law apartment we built for her. It is a pain sometimes but there definitely are benefits (live in babysitter).

The whole divorce process is extremely stressfull but you will get through it. Feel free to PM me if you need to vent more.

 

[BibbidiBobbidiBOO]

thanks.
nativetxn-What you say makes sense, hope I can get the courage to do it. She tells us lots in e-mails and is so pathetic. She tells us bad horrid things one day, then the next day she says he is our loving dad and to continue our relationship with him. She is fine one day, sobbing at us the next. My kids are almost scared of her. Before you ask, yes, she is on medication for her depression!
I wish she would go on a trip, they were going to do a lot of that in their retirement years. Oh well. A cruise was the last happy trip they had, not sure if she would go for that. Maybe a mountain retreat would work !
On an up note. I just told DH the latest from her and he said not to worry, we were going to spend Thanksgiving at Disney ! I have a wonderful DH at least !

 

[BibbidiBobbidiBOO]

lmj-I just read your post. I also think mom could have committed suicide at times if not for her strong religious beliefs. That has pulled her up at times, thankfully.
No way will my mom live near or with us. DH would flee ! Seriously we will help her look for something new and smaller with little upkeep. I may pm you sometime as this thing gets started!

 

[nativetxn]

Okay, well...forget the cruise...unless...how about an Alaskan cruise? Very different from caribbean cruises.

Is your mother seeing a counselor at all? I think it might help her. If she won't then you might want to think about seeing one to get you through this.

What you do if you don't really want to tell her these things in person is send her a letter. I think a real letter would have a better impact but an email would work. You would have plenty of time to come up with the perfect words. Would that help?

And after you have finally done this (and we both know it is going to have to be done eventually) then just stop her when she starts to go into sordid details. If it's on the phone you just have to go, if it's an email delete it as soon as you figure out it is something you don't want to know. Tell her in your letter that you are going to do this, so she won't be suddenly surprised.

Tell her how important this is to you and how damaging it has been to your happiness, self esteem and possibly even your own marriage because the situation has you so distressed. (Sure, I know you have a great marriage...but hey! whatever it takes )

Good luck with this. I'm sure sorry you are having to go through this. My mother divorced my father when I was 4. She never said a bad word about <i>him</i> and he tore her to pieces whenever he had my sister and I with him. It was awful, it hurt so much. He kept it up until I was 16 and finally told him to never speak badly about my mother in my presence <b>ever</b> again. I also told him that she had never once had one bad word to say about him to me--she never even told me how hateful he could be about someone he claimed to love to that day. I think I shocked him. Do you know that he stopped? I think he realized that he had defeated his own cause.

Good luck with this, it isn't going to be easy.

Katholyn

 

[BibbidiBobbidiBOO]

Thanks Katholyn ! I think writing would be helpful. I don't think I have ever been successful in standing up to my mom-she is very domineering. I am glad to know a confrontation worked for you! Mom just switched counselors, I hope that helps as I don't think the last one did much good. It IS hard to go through this knowing they were married over 40 years , and seeing how miserable mom is. Of course she wants me to feel guilty over her misery too! AGH! I shall try to write-DH is good with that kind of thing and can offer input!

 

[Kallison]

About 20 years ago my Uncle divorced my Aunt. My Aunt (My mother's SIL told my Mom - Your Brother ruined my life. I still remember my Mom saying - No you LET him ruin your life.) My Mom is still friends with her SIL but doesn't speak to her brother. It's a whole other long story! I know Moms are hard and can really guilt you, but nobody can take advantage of you without your permission. Set the boundaries now and also let your Dad know you are not totally in the dark.

 

[nativetxn]

Kallison is so right, sweetie. You have to protect yourself and not allow yourself to be the victim here.

40 years is a long time to be married to one person. I've been married 31 years.

I've told my husband that I think I can be safe in saying that there will never be a divorce trial here, <b>homocide trial</b> maybe, but no divorce

Bless your mother's heart. I know she is in pain but she needs to find someone else to burden with the sordid details of what happened to her marriage. You are not the person to hear this and I'm sure your husband can help you find the perfect words to put into a letter explaining that to her. I think he must be a pretty smart guy...he married <i>you</i> didn't he? Yep, I think he's pretty smart.

Hang in there, my friend. As hard as it is to believe it right now, things are going to get better.

Katholyn

 

[BibbidiBobbidiBOO]

Thanks guys, I don't feel so evil now for not wanting to be my mom's sounding board during this time. DH says I should not be in the middle, but I was kind of wondering if I was wrong. You all backed up my feelings with your wisdom. Thank you.