Choosing to be Child Free. What are your reasons/changed minds?

[bethwc101]

I have never wanted children. DH has. I was just wondering fellow CF people, what are your reasons? I think I'm too selfish.
But i have several people who chose to be CF until late 30s and changed their minds, so wondering if you did want the CF life, but changed your mind, why did you?

 

[Klayfish]

I wanted the child free life when I was much younger. DW and I were together 7 years and married for 5 of them before we had kids. We were in our early 30s when our oldest was born. It was me that was the hold out...in fact it got to the point where DW was truly and seriously upset with me.

Why didn't I want kids? Honestly, part of it was fear. I was afraid to be a father, as I didn't know "what to do" or "how" to be a father. Part of it was being very content with our life the way it was. DW and I did everything together. Grocery store trips, even going out to pick up a pizza for Friday night dinner...we did it together. We had cool cars (I'm a car nut), we went to car shows, we took vacations spur of the moment, we had discretionary income. I didn't want to give all of that up. Selfish, sure, but I really liked our lifestyle.

But when DW basically insisted on it, I just had to take a leap of faith and dive into it head first. Honestly, now I look back and wonder what I was so afraid of. Sure, I miss some of those days where DW and I could do what we want, when we want and had the money to do it. I think all parents do from time to time. But being a parent is the most awesome, amazing, wonderful thing in the world. And my hair started falling out right after my first born...coincidence??

 

[LSUmiss]

I changed my mind at the last minute. It got to be that I was at the age of now or never. Both choices were equally scary to me at that point b/c it felt like such a permanent decision. We decided not to “try” to get pregnant but just not prevent & see what happens. Decided if it was meant to be it would happen. Well I got pregnant immediately which at 38 & with some minor health issues I had was very unlikely. But, once I was pregnant everything changed. There was no more confusion. I knew it was what I wanted. But, we also had decided that we would only ever want child & have not wavered on that plan.

 

[morgan98]

I am child free at the age of 47. I would say it is both by choice and circumstance. I do not hate children by any means, but I must admit that I am a very methodical person who likes to plan things. I thought that having children was a big responsibility and I wanted to have them at what I felt was the right time in my life. Honestly though, it was never a burning desire.

I ended up married at 27 and divorced by 33. I would say the divorce occurred right around the time I would have considered having children. My ex-husband had other plans. Anyway, by the time I recovered from the divorce, my mom having cancer, meeting my new husband and moving to a new city, children were no longer a priority. Plus my now husband is 11 years older than me. By the time we were married, I was almost 40, he was 51 and we just felt it was too late.

I have yet to regret my choice to never have children. Do I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I had a child? Yes, but I quickly can be thankful for what I do have.

This is really something that is different for everyone. There is no right or wrong answer.

I have to admit the worst part about being childless is the fact that some people really cannot understand it and ask too many personal questions or assume that I am some kind of freak for not having kids. Yet, I am to refrain from having any opinion about other people's children.

ETA: I also don't like the assumption that those that are childless are selfish or self absorbed. Some may be. However, there are plenty of selfish people who are parents or people who should have never had kids to begin with for a myriad of reasons..lol! Being a parent does not make you a superior person all the time.

 

[frostedpink]

I know you’re looking for other child free comments. I just wanted to say that there is no other life experience like being pregnant, giving birth, and raising a child. It completely changes your perspective on life.

We ended up only having one child which in some ways is nice. We still have some discretionary income and we can spoil her a bit.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[BrianL]

For me, I've never really seen myself with children. I've never really had to consider such matters because I'd need to be in a relationship first and that's never been too likely anyway. If I were at that point, I would consider it. Personally, I am a big proponent of adoption and I would think that if it were up to me, I would go that route as opposed to having a child. I do realize of course that my theoretical other half would have a say in that as well. Life works fine for me as is though, so I'm not looking to upset the apple cart.

 

[Tattylou]

I didn't want kids when I was younger or in my early 20s. I found kids annoying - I still do to some extent (other people' s kids mainly - mine sometomes too, lol). Once we were married, we agreed to have 1 or 2 kids. I am not sure what changed my mind. It just seemed more appealing when I was a little older. I still wanted to wait until I was 30 though bc I liked the lifestyle we had and felt I wanted my 20s to myself. So we have 2 kids and they are now 7 and 9. I love them with all my heart. I love them like I never loved anyone before. I can not explain it. It just IS. The other side of that is that I never knew I was an anxious person until I had kids though - I didn't know you could worry about another person to this extent! Like @Klayfish I do sometimes miss the lifestyle and the extra money we had before kids, but I am grateful to have them and for all the happiness they bring to our life. I have also made some of the best friends I've ever had from meeting other moms with kids the same age. I had great friends before obviously and I am still close with them, but the connection I have with these mom friends is really special in another way. Not that I'm saying I would have had kids to make friends, but it was an unexpected added perk!

 

[LSUmiss]

I am child free at the age of 47. I would say it is both by choice and circumstance. I do not hate children by any means, but I must admit that I am a very methodical person who likes to plan things. I thought that having children was a big responsibility and I wanted to have them at what I felt was the right time in my life. Honestly though, it was never a burning desire.

I ended up married at 27 and divorced by 33. I would say the divorce occurred right around the time I would have considered having children. My ex-husband had other plans. Anyway, by the time I recovered from the divorce, my mom having cancer, meeting my new husband and moving to a new city, children were no longer a priority. Plus my now husband is 11 years older than me. By the time we were married, I was almost 40, he was 51 and we just felt it was too late.

I have yet to regret my choice to never have children. Do I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I had a child? Yes, but I quickly can be thankful for what I do have.

This is really something that is different for everyone. There is no right or wrong answer.

I have to admit the worst part about being childless is the fact that some people really cannot understand it and ask too many personal questions or assume that I am some kind of freak for not having kids. Yet, I am to refrain from having any opinion about other people's children.

ETA: I also don't like the assumption that those that are childless are selfish or self absorbed. Some may be. However, there are plenty of selfish people who are parents or people who should have never had kids to begin with for a myriad of reasons..lol! Being a parent does not make you a superior person all the time.

I agree with the selfish thing. Sure you have to sacrifice once you have the child (although not everyone does), but ppl mostly have kids b/c THEY want them so that in itself is a selfish decision.

 

[Gigi22]

Neither DH nor I wanted children. It was one of several in-depth conversations we had before getting engaged. We were both oldest children, and were in our 30s when we married. No children was one of two unbreakable promises we made to each other before marriage. The other promise was that we would not have either of our mothers live with us. These were absolutely the right decisions for us.

 

[Chaitali]

I'm 40 and don't have kids and don't plan to have kids. And I love other people's kids I'm happy to play with them and talk to them, I love my nieces and nephews. But my husband and I like the lifestyle we have. Also, I'm not sure that I would be a good mother. I have a lot of exhaustion issues and can easily get annoyed and snappy. But at the end of the day, it's not for everyone and that's fine. I also have health issues since I was a teenager that would make it difficult to have kids, so I never really created my image of my future life with kids since I knew that may not be in the cards.

 

[LSUmiss]

Neither DH nor I wanted children. It was one of several in-depth conversations we had before getting engaged. We were both oldest children, and were in our 30s when we married. No children was one of two unbreakable promises we made to each other before marriage. The other promise was that we would not have either of our mothers live with us. These were absolutely the right decisions for us.

Ha! I’m with you on the mother thing too! We have that agreement too!!

 

[Christine]

I was married for 9 years before I had children. I never declared one way or another what I would do and I could never actually make a decision. I guess it was because I never, ever had a strong desire for children. I was perfectly happy without them and would have been fine to have ended up child free. But my birth control failed so the decision was made for me. I'm glad I did it. I'm one of those people who just needs to try everything. I think I always knew that if I didn't have children I would always wonder about what would have been.

 

[gillep]

I am in my early 30s and will be celebrating my 10 year wedding anniversary this July and we still don't have any children. For most of my life I just didn't want them, I couldn't even picture myself with children, I have never felt like I could connect with children, and just feel extremely awkward around them. In the last two or so years I have warmed up to the option, but I am still not there yet. I love my life with my husband, I love our lifestyle and my life does not feel incomplete. Most of my friends have just begun to have kids, and although some part of me wants to be like them, a larger part of me is glad that I am not in that position right now. Who knows how the next couple years will go.

 

[Ress76]

My standard line used to be "I'm mature enough to know I'm too immature to have kids". Immature not in a reckless, obnoxious way, but...I like my time, I like my quiet, I like my money, I like my freedom. Having kids depending on you forces you to give up a lot of that. Having cervical cancer and a resulting hysterectomy resolved that, but I have no regrets. When I want something to do with kids, I can borrow my (not-biological) nieces. I have gfs who are my age and I flat out know I could not be the moms that they are, I simply do not have that temperament and level of patience. For my now-husband and I, it was a discussion when we started dating, because I knew long before i met him that I did not want kids, and if he did...I wasn't going to waste his time.

The ONLY thing that occasionally tugs at me is that I have no one to really pass anything on to. I have things like a gorgeous shadow box of arrowheads my dad found as a kid, but no one to leave them to-my niece wouldn't care for them, and my grown stepson from my first marriage came into my life long after my dad died, so they are nothing special to him either. I have some items from my grandmother that I suppose I could leave to my niece, but I'm not sure she'd be interested in those either. I want to make plans for those type things because it breaks my heart to think they'd end up dumped somewhere or at good will.

 

[Marchand63]

I have never wanted children. DH has. I was just wondering fellow CF people, what are your reasons? I think I'm too selfish.
But i have several people who chose to be CF until late 30s and changed their minds, so wondering if you did want the CF life, but changed your mind, why did you?

Umm don't you think you should have discussed this before marrying?!?!? Maybe it is just me but we discussed kids, money, living arrangements - where & what. Why go just go blindly into marriage.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

I had to meet the right person before I realized that I truly did want children. I married much too young, to a selfish, abusive narcissist. I couldn't bring a child into that environment. Divorced him, had no intention of ever getting married again, but then I met my now-DH. The desire for children accompanied the realization that I really truly loved him.

I also simply did not have the temperament to be a decent mother until I was around 35. I was impatient and angry at the world until then (and I knew it, too - another reason I didn't want children at that time).

And then, of course finding out that I was completely infertile REALLY made me want a child! It's like, you don't know what you want until you can't have it, then you want it more than anything...

 

[LSUmiss]

Umm don't you think you should have discussed this before marrying?!?!? Maybe it is just me but we discussed kids, money, living arrangements - where & what. Why go just go blindly into marriage.

To be fair, it depends on when they were married. DH & I started dating at 19 & 20. We hardly had anything figured out then. He always saw himself with kids mostly b/c it was the thing that ppl do. I was always unsure b/c I never have cared what most “ppl do” & I never really liked kids. In the end, our decision worked out for us, but it’s not always as black & white.

 

[LSUmiss]

I had to meet the right person before I realized that I truly did want children. I married much too young, to a selfish, abusive narcissist. I couldn't bring a child into that environment. Divorced him, had no intention of ever getting married again, but then I met my now-DH. The desire for children accompanied the realization that I really truly loved him.

I also simply did not have the temperament to be a decent mother until I was around 35. I was impatient and angry at the world until then (and I knew it, too - another reason I didn't want children at that time).

And then, of course finding out that I was completely infertile REALLY made me want a child! It's like, you don't know what you want until you can't have it, then you want it more than anything...

That’s kind of what happened to me as far as the infertility (not the other stuff). I didn’t think I wanted one until I was told I may never be able to have one. Then I worried about how I would feel about NEVER. So we decided to just see & like I said, I got pregnant right away so we took that as a sign that it was meant to be for us.

 

[anniemae]

It is such an incredibly personal decision. You will feel pressure to have kids if you are in a relationship and anywhere in the twenty to thirty five age range. I think everyone has moments where they wonder "what if." If you have kids, you sometimes long for those days of freedom when you could do what you wanted when you wanted, sleep late etc. If you don't have kids, you may wonder what life would be like with kids, what kind of parent you would be etc.

DH and I were totally on the fence about kids. We were okay either way. We were scared to death to take that plunge. To me, there was no "out." If you buy a house and you don't like it, you move. If your marriage does not work, you get divorced. If hate your job, you can apply for a new one. But with kids, there is no "givesies backsies"

We finally took the leap even though we were scared, unsure and terrified. And I wouldn't change a thing. Best thing we ever did.

 

[LilyWDW]

I am child free. I made that decision at 15 and am now 36 so I am not going to change my mind.