dealing with family that won't stop gifting...

[Sagginit]

So I have been cleaning out our apartment a lot the last year. One thing I noticed is 75% of junk I quickly find and identify to purge are items that have been given to me, not purchased by us because we need it. I have family that every year for the holidays turn up their noses at the thought of not doing gifts. I also have a mother who borders on overbearing who insists on giving gifts to our toddler and buying us "bigger" gifts for the holidays, like a small appliance. This is leading to drama and stress because my husband sometimes wants to hold onto items so people don't find out we didn't use their gift (apparently they might raid my closets looking for those vacation trinkets they brought back for us). Also when I don't give gift ideas to family they sometimes act as if we are being difficult. We live in an apartment and quite frankly it will cost us in the long wrong to buy a house larger than we need just to fit stuff. It is also costing me time rounding up all the stuff and trying to figure out were I can get rid of it.

Has anyone been in this situation? Have you been able to end it? Are we destined to spend the rest of our days hiding gifts in closets for months and then finally donating them once we think family won't ask about them again?

 

[crisi]

The first thing you need to do is explain to your husband that what you want to have stuff for is space you want, not stuff people thought you might want. It wasn't until my husband understood that I felt like my own things were getting crowded out of my own life in favor of things other people though I (or he, or the kids) would want. Then start giving it away as soon as it enters the house. They aren't going to stop giving it to you, but I'm sure you can find homes for much of it. If not, the trash works. But repeat the "we don't want stuff, we have a small space" mantra with each upcoming gift giving holiday. Or give them a very specific thing that you NEED

After 25 years, my mother in law started sending me pictures of things that made her think of me rather than buying them. THANK GOD.

 

[TwoMisfits]

So I have been cleaning out our apartment a lot the last year. One thing I noticed is 75% of junk I quickly find and identify to purge are items that have been given to me, not purchased by us because we need it. I have family that every year for the holidays turn up their noses at the thought of not doing gifts. I also have a mother who borders on overbearing who insists on giving gifts to our toddler and buying us "bigger" gifts for the holidays, like a small appliance. This is leading to drama and stress because my husband sometimes wants to hold onto items so people don't find out we didn't use their gift (apparently they might raid my closets looking for those vacation trinkets they brought back for us). Also when I don't give gift ideas to family they sometimes act as if we are being difficult. We live in an apartment and quite frankly it will cost us in the long wrong to buy a house larger than we need just to fit stuff. It is also costing me time rounding up all the stuff and trying to figure out were I can get rid of it.

Has anyone been in this situation? Have you been able to end it? Are we destined to spend the rest of our days hiding gifts in closets for months and then finally donating them once we think family won't ask about them again?

Your parents will probably never stop giving gifts, so redirect them. Tell them some awesome idea for a consumable that you would love and see if they'll bite. Tell them how awesome starting a college fund for their granddaughter would be. Be so appreciative if they buy what you asked for...and grin and bear it if they don't...

As for others, I'd just be honest that you live in an apartment and have no more room for stuff and not a lot of extra money with kids, so you'd love if you could change the Xmas tradition this year (into a secret Santa, a cookie swap, a homemade card swap, a movie outing, etc), so you could enjoy their company and love without feeling any stress...

 

[PollyannaMom]

Also when I don't give gift ideas to family they sometimes act as if we are being difficult.

If they're asking you for ideas, that can solve a lot of your problem! Just request specific gifts that don't take up space:

tickets to movies or events
memberships to local attractions (zoo, aquarium, whatever you like...)
savings bonds for the kids
digital books
iTunes cards
gift certificates for restaurants or take-out

 

[ajwolfe]

I agree, if they are asking for suggestions then give them suggestions! And work that to your advantage. Surely there are things you really do want or need and they would be happy still by being able to gift you something.

 

[sk!mom]

The first thing you need to do is explain to your husband that what you want to have stuff for is space you want, not stuff people thought you might want. It wasn't until my husband understood that I felt like my own things were getting crowded out of my own life in favor of things other people though I (or he, or the kids) would want. Then start giving it away as soon as it enters the house. They aren't going to stop giving it to you, but I'm sure you can find homes for much of it. If not, the trash works. But repeat the "we don't want stuff, we have a small space" mantra with each upcoming gift giving holiday. Or give them a very specific thing that you NEED

After 25 years, my mother in law started sending me pictures of things that made her think of me rather than buying them. THANK GOD.

Agree! I'm a teacher so the amount of stuff that I used to store until I eventually donated it used to be unreal. Now, I immediately write a glowing thank you note because I truly genuinely appreciate the thought but if the gift is something that I would store but never use, I pass it along immediately.

Your parents will probably never stop giving gifts, so redirect them. Tell them some awesome idea for a consumable that you would love and see if they'll bite. Tell them how awesome starting a college fund for their granddaughter would be. Be so appreciative if they buy what you asked for...and grin and bear it if they don't...

As for others, I'd just be honest that you live in an apartment and have no more room for stuff and not a lot of extra money with kids, so you'd love if you could change the Xmas tradition this year (into a secret Santa, a cookie swap, a homemade card swap, a movie outing, etc), so you could enjoy their company and love without feeling any stress...

Good ideas for your parents. Surely they would be willing to gift you experiences and a college fund for your child will be something you (and she) will certainly appreciate in the future.

As for others, someone has to be the one to just say, "we have decided to forgo exchanging gifts. Let's just use the money for a great get together." And then stick to it. If you wait for them to agree, things will likely never change.

 

[Ress76]

I have stressed to my mom and son that we don't want "stuff". We have more "stuff" that we need and we are trying to get rid of as much as we can. We want memories-outings, dinner, tickets, activities. We have combined households (and much of my household came from my in-laws from my first marriage), and as adults with good jobs, if we need a dohickey or a thingamabob, we just go out and buy it. I would rather have a $25 Disney gift card to put towards a future trip than $100 worth of "stuff" I have to try to find a home for. I appreciate the "something to open" logic, but we've been attaching the gift cards to snacks or treats for my son. At 27, he needs money more than stuff, so he'll get a bags of the M&Ms he likes with a $50 a Target card taped to it-something to open, and something he needs.

 

[barkley]

So I have been cleaning out our apartment a lot the last year. One thing I noticed is 75% of junk I quickly find and identify to purge are items that have been given to me, not purchased by us because we need it. I have family that every year for the holidays turn up their noses at the thought of not doing gifts. I also have a mother who borders on overbearing who insists on giving gifts to our toddler and buying us "bigger" gifts for the holidays, like a small appliance. This is leading to drama and stress because my husband sometimes wants to hold onto items so people don't find out we didn't use their gift (apparently they might raid my closets looking for those vacation trinkets they brought back for us). Also when I don't give gift ideas to family they sometimes act as if we are being difficult. We live in an apartment and quite frankly it will cost us in the long wrong to buy a house larger than we need just to fit stuff. It is also costing me time rounding up all the stuff and trying to figure out were I can get rid of it.

Has anyone been in this situation? Have you been able to end it? Are we destined to spend the rest of our days hiding gifts in closets for months and then finally donating them once we think family won't ask about them again?

try your best to get them to listen-and I also agree on talking w/your dh about it. maybe point out to him how much the average storage locker in your area costs per month for when you run out of space will be a reality check.

on the issues highlighted above-

gifts to the toddler-i'm in agreement that gifts of things that can be done with a toddler are great. when my kids were little they loved it when we had a zoo membership and another at a local 'fairy tale town' play area. not sure how old your toddler is and if they watch movies as yet but a friend (in a similar situation w/limited space and generous grandparents to her dd) has managed to reduce the clutter of stuff her dd has by convincing the grands to buy the child digital copies of kid's shows and movies. the nice thing in addition to less accumulated stuff is the grands have started watching some of the stuff the little one watches and can engage in talking with her about it. if they want to do something bigger-it sounds like your goal is eventually to get a house so how about them starting a small account towards a swing set or other big play structure?

big gifts to you (appliances)-maybe if you are looking to get a house down the line suggest that instead of smaller appliances now you could suggest you be given gift cards to save for the bigger ones you'll likely need down the line.

vacation trinkets-if it's for your dd suggest postcards instead. kids like to get snail mail and she can always keep them in a shoe box or album (or just toss them). if it's for you and they won't take no for an answer-think of something small that you can use/use up and ask if they bring that back from wherever they go-a friend did fridge magnets that she then put on a file cabinet at work for all of us to 'enjoy' -there are some UGLY magnets in gift shops, I like food so bring me a little jar of a local jam or dried soup mix.

when all else fails and you need to get rid of stuff-

#1-if it's brand new check and you don't have a receipt/know where it came from, see if it is sold at a local chain store b/c most will at least give a gift card if it's something they carry.

#2-if you don't want to deal w/a return and you have a military base near by see if they want it. we had an air force base near our former home that operated an 'airman's attic'. when military families were transferred to a new base their household goods didn't always arrive timely so this was a place where they could borrow household goods (they really appreciated appliances and stuff for kids). the perk was they had volunteers who would pick the stuff up at your home.

 

[crisi]

#2-if you don't want to deal w/a return and you have a military base near by see if they want it. we had an air force base near our former home that operated an 'airman's attic'. when military families were transferred to a new base their household goods didn't always arrive timely so this was a place where they could borrow household goods (they really appreciated appliances and stuff for kids). the perk was they had volunteers who would pick the stuff up at your home.

This is awesome. Another one is to call a battered women's shelter. Those women often leave home with nothing but themselves and their kids - and as they leave the shelter need everything.

 

[Summer2018]

So I have been cleaning out our apartment a lot the last year. One thing I noticed is 75% of junk I quickly find and identify to purge are items that have been given to me, not purchased by us because we need it. I have family that every year for the holidays turn up their noses at the thought of not doing gifts. I also have a mother who borders on overbearing who insists on giving gifts to our toddler and buying us "bigger" gifts for the holidays, like a small appliance. This is leading to drama and stress because my husband sometimes wants to hold onto items so people don't find out we didn't use their gift (apparently they might raid my closets looking for those vacation trinkets they brought back for us). Also when I don't give gift ideas to family they sometimes act as if we are being difficult. We live in an apartment and quite frankly it will cost us in the long wrong to buy a house larger than we need just to fit stuff. It is also costing me time rounding up all the stuff and trying to figure out were I can get rid of it.

Has anyone been in this situation? Have you been able to end it? Are we destined to spend the rest of our days hiding gifts in closets for months and then finally donating them once we think family won't ask about them again?

I would request gift cards that you will actually use like Disney gift cards. They can buy you tickets to see a show. They could donate to charity in your name. There's lots of gift ideas that won't take up any space in your apartment that you will actually appreciate.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I had that problem with my mother, but we aren't close (never have been, never will be), and she was trying to buy love from our kids. She is also one who will not pay her bills in November and December so she can have a "big" Christmas (her words), and then complain when they shut her electric off in January. After two years of absolute insanity at Christmas, I finally told her that they could keep 3 gifts at Christmas and if she bought more than that, they would be donated. She came bearing tons and tons (about 25 toys for each, plus clothes) of gifts. They were 3 and 1, and they were so overwhelmed they didn't want to open any more, they wanted to play with what they had opened, and she had a fit. She said that they were her grandkids and she could buy whatever she wanted. I told her that was true, but just because she bought it didn't mean that we were going to keep it. We were trying to teach our kids that Christmas is not about "me and what I can get". Her idea was that more was so much better, even if "more" was a bunch of cheap junky crap that nobody wanted. She said she wanted to make sure that she bought them more than the ILs did so they would know she loved them more, even though she lives 25 minutes away and saw them about three times a year because it was too far to drive.

 

[mousehockey37]

I had that problem with my mother, but we aren't close (never have been, never will be), and she was trying to buy love from our kids. She is also one who will not pay her bills in November and December so she can have a "big" Christmas (her words), and then complain when they shut her electric off in January. After two years of absolute insanity at Christmas, I finally told her that they could keep 3 gifts at Christmas and if she bought more than that, they would be donated. She came bearing tons and tons (about 25 toys for each, plus clothes) of gifts. They were 3 and 1, and they were so overwhelmed they didn't want to open any more, they wanted to play with what they had opened, and she had a fit. She said that they were her grandkids and she could buy whatever she wanted. I told her that was true, but just because she bought it didn't mean that we were going to keep it. We were trying to teach our kids that Christmas is not about "me and what I can get". Her idea was that more was so much better, even if "more" was a bunch of cheap junky crap that nobody wanted. She said she wanted to make sure that she bought them more than the ILs did so they would know she loved them more, even though she lives 25 minutes away and saw them about three times a year because it was too far to drive.

This is just horrible. Good for you though in trying to make examples of it to the kiddos, even though they're super young. The part about "beating" the in-laws, if you have to compete in that sense, you've already lost.

 

[motherof5]

Depending on your kids ages there is alot of ideas that are useful. I have 5 children and have way too many toys. Some suggestions I gave were outdoor play toys. Now we even have too much of that. I have asked for Disney gift cards, gift cards to their favorite store or even restaurant that we can take them out for their birthdays. The girls I have had them go with aunts and grandparents for manicures and haircuts for a fun day. I now even started the godparents on a fun day instead of gift. So they have wonderful memories and spend time with loved ones. If people are far away and can't spend time with them are they in school and need something, new backpack, lunch box etc... I too found if you don't give suggestions you get things you don't need. Think of something and they will be happy for the suggestions, and you will be happy not to have more "junk" around. One child has a birthday before school so I had them take her school shopping for supplies. Another one has a birthday before halloween and have had them get her costume. I have learned to be creative and holidays and birthdays are less stressful.

 

[rkstocke5609]

Depending on your kids ages there is alot of ideas that are useful. I have 5 children and have way too many toys. Some suggestions I gave were outdoor play toys. Now we even have too much of that. I have asked for Disney gift cards, gift cards to their favorite store or even restaurant that we can take them out for their birthdays. The girls I have had them go with aunts and grandparents for manicures and haircuts for a fun day. I now even started the godparents on a fun day instead of gift. So they have wonderful memories and spend time with loved ones. If people are far away and can't spend time with them are they in school and need something, new backpack, lunch box etc... I too found if you don't give suggestions you get things you don't need. Think of something and they will be happy for the suggestions, and you will be happy not to have more "junk" around. One child has a birthday before school so I had them take her school shopping for supplies. Another one has a birthday before halloween and have had them get her costume. I have learned to be creative and holidays and birthdays are less stressful.

Yes, yes, yes....Disney Gift Cards is the solution!

 

[mousehockey37]

Depending on your kids ages there is alot of ideas that are useful. I have 5 children and have way too many toys. Some suggestions I gave were outdoor play toys. Now we even have too much of that. I have asked for Disney gift cards, gift cards to their favorite store or even restaurant that we can take them out for their birthdays. The girls I have had them go with aunts and grandparents for manicures and haircuts for a fun day. I now even started the godparents on a fun day instead of gift. So they have wonderful memories and spend time with loved ones. If people are far away and can't spend time with them are they in school and need something, new backpack, lunch box etc... I too found if you don't give suggestions you get things you don't need. Think of something and they will be happy for the suggestions, and you will be happy not to have more "junk" around. One child has a birthday before school so I had them take her school shopping for supplies. Another one has a birthday before halloween and have had them get her costume. I have learned to be creative and holidays and birthdays are less stressful.

I have a hard time with gifting kids gift cards. My DGF has a younger nephew who is going to be 13. His grandmother gets him EVERYTHING he wants and more, to the point that the rest of the family looks at each other and says... "what's left to get?". So we've fought it over the past couple years, but finally started caving and getting gift cards. I managed to throw in a surprise shirt this year, but other than that, we feel horrible giving a gift card to a kid.

Now, if knowing they were going to Disney, and the kid knew about it... I'd get trip supplies and such. Helps them with less things to get, helps me that I'm not getting a kid a gift card. However, that is one occasion I wouldn't mind adding a gift card onto a present, as they can get themselves something from a place I won't be with them.

 

[rkstocke5609]

I would for sure be the keeper of all Disney Gift Cards until the next trip. Full disclosure, I absolutely hate gift cards, but it solves the clutter dilemma in this case.

 

[Summer2018]

We asked everyone in our lives to get us Disney gift cards in preparation for our trip. We even gave each other Disney gift cards for every occasion in the past year.

For the little ones, we treated them to special events all expenses paid. We took my great niece and nephew to see “Frozen on Ice” this year. Last year we treated them to a hockey game. We always get a suite at the arena which makes it easier when the kids get antsy. They’ve come to look forward to our outings. It’s fun to make new memories together.

They always get books from me so they have something to open and something that will enrich their lives educationally.

 

[Disneyliscious]

Has anyone been in this situation?

Yes, its great.

Have you been able to end it?

Why would you want to? Sell it on eBay and use the money for vacation, home improvements, or something you and hubby want. If its all sitting in closets and there is apparently so much of it that you'll need a bigger house, then he isn't going to know everything that's there. Just sell it via eBay or FaceBook groups. He's not going to miss it and you'll end up with a smile on your face. Everyone wins!

 

[motherof5]

I have a hard time with gifting kids gift cards. My DGF has a younger nephew who is going to be 13. His grandmother gets him EVERYTHING he wants and more, to the point that the rest of the family looks at each other and says... "what's left to get?". So we've fought it over the past couple years, but finally started caving and getting gift cards. I managed to throw in a surprise shirt this year, but other than that, we feel horrible giving a gift card to a kid.

Now, if knowing they were going to Disney, and the kid knew about it... I'd get trip supplies and such. Helps them with less things to get, helps me that I'm not getting a kid a gift card. However, that is one occasion I wouldn't mind adding a gift card onto a present, as they can get themselves something from a place I won't be with them.

My 14 year old nephew just had a birthday on Sunday. He asked for money. No giftcards, no gifts. He is saving for a gaming PC and wanted money only. I bought him a small gaming storage cube to put stuff in and then money. He opened the gift and thanked me, but when he opened the envelope he gave me a big hug and told me how much more he had left to save. That made his day (it wasn't even alot of money) He is a smart kid and last year for his 13 birthday he did the same thing to save for a drone. He finally got it in August. So don't feel guilty. Give what they really want. Never thought money was a good gift as it seemed unthoughtful to me. But when they have set goals in mind. They are looking forward to it.

 

[kymom99]

My step daughter has been doing Amazon lists for her kids for Christmas. I am so glad she does. It really helps.
We are grandparents who buy each kid one or 2 modest gifts and that's it. My husband's ex buys way more, which makes no sense since she can't afford her own apartment. And my step daughter's MIL buys so much stuff it's sinful. But she is a hoarder and has a problem with compulsive shopping. I don't know what they buy for Christmas since we are not all together for that, but at birthdays it's really crazy. I don't care what they do, we do what we think is right. All the kids have way more stuff than they will ever need so I won't be a part of going overboard just because others do. We like to plan weekends with the kids a couple times a year to make memories.
In the case of the OP, I really think it is up to her husband to have a serious conversation with his parents. Just keep telling them until they get the message. They are your children. They should respect your wishes.