Empty nest Christmas - ouch!

[lifesavacation]

Another thought....Is the girlfriend religious? The OP mentioned Christmas Eve church service and maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to go.

 

[rigs32]

I don't know about others, but it depends on who the person is that wants to hang on to traditions. I can't imagine feeling that a tradition of my parents or grandparents is "annoying".

Then you’re very lucky. Just remember that not all families are healthy, happy, and full of love.

Sometimes people don’t have the time off work or the money to travel to continue traditions and it really really sucks to constantly be guilted about it.

 

[LSUmiss]

Then you’re very lucky. Just remember that not all families are healthy, happy, and full of love.

Sometimes people don’t have the time off work or the money to travel to continue traditions and it really really sucks to constantly be guilted about it.

I can appreciate that, but I’ve also seen the attitude of “it’s no big deal if it’s christmas or another day” etc from younger generations in my own family. They’re young & have been fortunate & don’t get how fleeting life is unlike those of us who have experienced loss. And the op talked about her son living only an hr away. In my family, we all live in the same city so the ppl with this attitude have it b/c they want to do what they’d rather do & they’re dismissive of how important the traditions are to the older ppl in the family. And, I was somewhat like this as a young adult too but now would love nothing more than to have that time back now that ppl are gone forever.

 

[luvsJack]

Then you’re very lucky. Just remember that not all families are healthy, happy, and full of love.

Sometimes people don’t have the time off work or the money to travel to continue traditions and it really really sucks to constantly be guilted about it.

Not lucky. But after losing my Dad and brother exactly one month apart and then dh losing his dad, brother and nephew within 10 months of each other, we learn to value family.

Do we all get along all the time? No. In fact there are two of dh's brothers choosing not to speak to the rest of the family right now.

Do I get tired of Christmas Eve being reserved for mil when there are years that it's the perfect time for our family to gather? Sure do. Would I stop going? Not in a million years.

When my kids were little, I thought I wanted a Christmas Day where we didn't have to get dressed and head to Mom's. Now I would give up all day Christmas Day to have an hour with her and Dad.

I can understand breaks in families. Sometimes it's necessary. I can understand lack of funds or time off to travel. It happens. I can understand not wanting to be guilted. But if one is feeling guilty, maybe there is someone that doesn't deserve the break off of family? Otherwise what is there to feel guilty about?

Too many families have no kind of traditions or any kind of continuity. Kids don't know their grandparents or cousins. The value of family is just gone. And I do get that sometimes those things are necessary. But somethimes it's a lack of priority.

 

[yoopermom]

Ditto ditto ditto what luvsJack just said. We moved 250 miles away from ALL our extended families (DHs and mine) when DS was a baby, but agreed that we would make the effort to continue to have him be part of their lives as much as possible, *especially* on holidays. He knows his grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc, etc. I called him last week to tell him that his great aunt was in the hospital and he knew enough to ask how her son, who has mental issues, is dealing with it.

And I, also, would give up almost anything to have just one more hour with my grandparents, who loved the holidays, and loved having us all there....

Terri

 

[cabanafrau]

OP, I think your feelings of disappointment are completely understandable. Kudos for simply trying to work your way through them without making any waves, that's not always easy. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season.

 

[pigletgirl]

All I can say is that be grateful you didn't do what my mother decided to do to us this year. She invited herself out to our place (it is plane ride away, or a lonnnng day in the car) to celebrate Christmas. By the time she told us, the plane tickets were purchased and she also informed us that she would be staying with us too.

I'm currently pregnant and have been so sick (been in the hospital 2x, each for 4 days for dehydration), and we wanted a quiet family Christmas. Wellll..... the whole family is coming. She invited everyone. I'll have 30 people here Christmas day. I told her she has to do all the work. I just can't this year.

This is a chance to find a new tradition. What if you did a movie and dinner? Its funny, I'd love to trade with you in a heartbeat. Regardless, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas. Oh, and get yourself some chocolate!

 

[disykat]

Yikes, that is horrible pigletgirl!

 

[stsomewhere]

Maybe he has a proposal planned and he wants to keep it a secret so he's being intentionally vague.

I was thinking this,too.

 

[morgan98]

All I can say is that be grateful you didn't do what my mother decided to do to us this year. She invited herself out to our place (it is plane ride away, or a lonnnng day in the car) to celebrate Christmas. By the time she told us, the plane tickets were purchased and she also informed us that she would be staying with us too.

I'm currently pregnant and have been so sick (been in the hospital 2x, each for 4 days for dehydration), and we wanted a quiet family Christmas. Wellll..... the whole family is coming. She invited everyone. I'll have 30 people here Christmas day. I told her she has to do all the work. I just can't this year.

This is a chance to find a new tradition. What if you did a movie and dinner? Its funny, I'd love to trade with you in a heartbeat. Regardless, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas. Oh, and get yourself some chocolate!

Please don’t think I liked your post because I like you situation! For your mother to do that to you is horrible.

Why I did like it though is for the point that holidays are not necessarily fun when one party bears the burden of all the work and expense, I had 8 people here for four days over Thanksgiving. Never once was I taken out, etc. I basically ran a hotel for the whole long weekend. I’m not pregnant or anything like that, but I do work a 50 hour a week job plus commute. I was HAPPY when Monday came to go to the office! That is not happening to me over Christmas. We have no family in town and we are not traveling this year. My
husband and I will cook some fabulous meals, have great wine and book a couple of European vacations for 2018.

Family is important. However, they do not have to make unreasonable demands of your time and sometimes it is better seeing them without the additional expectations surrounding a holiday.

 

[yoopermom]

Pigletgirl, on a similar thread, there was a wonderful reply that said that YOU (and your DH if you so desire ...) should go to a hotel, and leave the your imposing relative(s) at the house! Seriously, though, put your foot down now, before the baby comes, or you will be like my cousin's wife who got home less than 24 hours after having their first baby to find a dozen assorted family members scattered all over her house, come to stay for a week and "help". (She literally turned around, walked back out the door, and went and stayed at my aunt's house until her DH could get rid of them!)

Terri

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Pigletgirl, on a similar thread, there was a wonderful reply that said that YOU (and your DH if you so desire ...) should go to a hotel, and leave the your imposing relative(s) at the house! Seriously, though, put your foot down now, before the baby comes, or you will be like my cousin's wife who got home less than 24 hours after having their first baby to find a dozen assorted family members scattered all over her house, come to stay for a week and "help". (She literally turned around, walked back out the door, and went and stayed at my aunt's house until her DH could get rid of them!)

Terri

I agree. The day I gave birth to my third child, my childless aunt decided that she and her husband would come up and visit the husband's daughter who lives in the same city as I. The husband's daughter didn't want them to stay there so no problem my aunt INFORMED me that they would be staying with us and great that she could meet her new nephew the same time. They literally showed up the night I gave birth (I came home straight from the delivery room) and stayed for a week and didn't lift so much as a finger. My husband actually cooked us dinner for everyone and helped me a lot and my aunt made a comment about him being "chief cook and bottle washer" . That was about 18 years ago and I still seethe when I think of it. Why didn't I put my foot down with her? I finally started putting my foot down with my relatives but it took me years to learn how to say no.

 

[dish rag]

I agree. The day I gave birth to my third child, my childless aunt decided that she and her husband would come up and visit the husband's daughter who lives in the same city as I. The husband's daughter didn't want them to stay there so no problem my aunt INFORMED me that they would be staying with us and great that she could meet her new nephew the same time. They literally showed up the night I gave birth (I came home straight from the delivery room) and stayed for a week and didn't lift so much as a finger. My husband actually cooked us dinner for everyone and helped me a lot and my aunt made a comment about him being "chief cook and bottle washer" . That was about 18 years ago and I still seethe when I think of it. Why didn't I put my foot down with her? I finally started putting my foot down with my relatives but it took me years to learn how to say no.

Sometimes it takes us some age and confidence to say no to a family member or any one really. It's just amazing that a person would show up like that and expect to be served at any time let alone at a time like that.

 

[sasywtch]

I don't know about others, but it depends on who the person is that wants to hang on to traditions. I can't imagine feeling that a tradition of my parents or grandparents is "annoying". Having lost 3 or our 4 parents, 2 siblings and 3 nephews, DH and I are very much about family at Christmas. And I think Christmas is about thinking about more than oneself too. Maybe one should think about the person to who the tradition is important.

I have seen this on these boards and a few others over the years and thought either I didn't know people like it or I'm isolated. Everyone I knew growing up and getting married never considered staying home for the holidays if family was near. On another board, a husband and wife are arguing (according to the wife) as she wants to stay home with just her husband, her and two kids. His mother lives a few blocks and away and is by herself. There is no issues, just she wants to start her own traditions. I was brought up that I couldn't leave my mother home by herself on Christmas. I've just kind of seen a steer toward people thinking of I instead of family (and this is not in regards to those who have major family issues).

Remember Dr Laura LOL I really liked her. Anyway I remember a mother's day call. The wife was angry because her husband wanted to do something for his mother and the caller (wife) was livid and said he was to pay attention to her since she is the mother of his children. The husbands father had died a few years earlier and mother was 70. Dr Laura suggested he or they take mother out the night before for dinner and then do mother's day with wife but wife was unwavering as it was now HER day. For some reason, I remember that call from years ago and exactly where I was in the car when I heard it (I was actually by the county dump LOL).

On Harry today there was a woman in the audience who asked Harry Connick Jr how she was going to handle the holidays as her kids were older and moving on. Reminded me of this thread. In my opinion, the holidays are times for making all feel special. Brighten the days of those you know who don't have people at holidays. I am off to do our "holiday" tonight.

 

[amberpi]

Take yourself out somewhere ridiculous. Spend tons of time getting ready. Forget it's stupid Ol' Christmas and just have a lovely, wonderful day with the 3 people who are celebrating. I hope you find a new tradition you love.

 

[ThistleMae]

Yeah, I don't think that's an idiosyncrasy to get upset about. I have a friend who does the same thing. When we were new friends, she invited me to a barbecue at her house. I asked if I could bring something and she said "Hmmm. Let me think about it." I was fine with bringing something to the party -- but was expecting her to say "how about a dessert?" or "We could use a veggie tray." or even "Do you make good deviled eggs?" I was surprised when she brought me a recipe card and said "You can make this." Apparently she had her menu planned out, so she was taking me up on the offer, but she wanted to know what would be there.

It struck me as odd for her to be so specific, but she's actually a really nice person. And now I know, if I offer to bring something to her parties, she's going to tell me... with great specificity... what she wants me to bring. We've been friends for 15+ years now, though, and I don't think she, overall, has more "unusual" than anybody else.

And, as an aside... there's the flip side. One of the first Thanksgivings I was invited to my husband's house, I asked what I could bring. My mother-in-law said I could bring the cranberry sauce. I made my mom's cranberry relish recipe (which is really good, but not that easy to make). And when I brought it, mother-in-law took one look and said "Sigh. I think I have a can in the pantry somewhere." And nobody even TRIED mine. (It's really good, I swear.) They like the cranberry jelly in the shape of a can. If she'd told me they only eat the kind in a can, I could have saved myself a lot of time, money and hurt feelings. And, to be fair, my MIL is a pretty nice person overall, but everyone has their idiosyncracies, especially when it comes to holidays.

Love your stories...priceless. And yes, I'm sure my sisters DL's are really nice people...everyone is different and sometimes, if you don't roll with it, it can cause conflict. Or people's feelings could be hurt. And...I'd love to try your homemade cranberry sauce!

 

[ThistleMae]

We are alone for Christmas now. Granted, we only have one child, so Christmas has frequently been DH, DD, and me. However, it's really weird now that it's just 2 of us. DD24 has her own home with her boyfriend, a 6 hour drive away (we are in ME, they are in CT). They stay at their house for Christmas, then meet us half-way between our homes for a Cousins Reunion with my MA relatives on 12/27-29. It's fine, I understand not wanting to schlepp presents all around New England... but it's just odd to have it be only DH and me at home for Christmas. Last year we didn't plan anything, just sat around in our sweats, read, did a puzzle, etc. Know what that felt like? Every Sunday of the year. There was absolutely nothing special about it being Christmas once we were done opening presents. THIS year, we aren't even going to do stockings. I feel like we are just going through the motions now. Kinda pathetic, I know. Travel is out because of our work commitments (I work until 3pm on 12/22) and having to be in Mass for 12/27, and I am not a fan of making travel plans in the winter. Between the weather and the roads, you can never count on being able to get to Boston or Portland for a flight, and prices are prohibitive from Bangor. ANYHOW... Christmas is pretty much a bust for me now. We haven't put up the tree, the presents aren't wrapped, etc. I am, however, looking forward to the 27th when we'll celebrate with DD and her boyfriend, my sister, brother, nieces, nephews, and about 20 cousins. We all stay 2 nights in a hotel in Portsmouth, NH, and have a BLAST just being together!

I hear you about it becoming like any other Sunday. I didn't do a tree this year, but I put some garland and a couple of lit up houses around my fireplace. It looks pretty. And...I am going to my daughter's this weekend for gingerbread house making. We do this every year and we have a different theme for decorating that we pick at Thanksgiving. So this year, because we are going to Disney in February, we are doing Disney themed houses. So even though we don't do Christmas day together, we do have this special time every year. We have tons of candy left over each year for decorating and the stockpile keeps getting bigger and bigger. One year we did the Walking Dead Christmas...everyone has their own style and it takes all day and into the night to complete. We do the same thing for Halloween, with Pumpkin carving. Next year we are not carving the pumpkins we are disguising the pumpkins as something other than pumpkins. Let creativity rain! So even though I'm alone this Christmas, I have so much to be thankful for and it's not like we don't get together. My entire family is doing Disney in February for the first time. Meaning...we have never all gone at the same time! So excited! I guess my point is, as long as you make the time to spend with family it doesn't matter when that time happens.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I have seen this on these boards and a few others over the years and thought either I didn't know people like it or I'm isolated. Everyone I knew growing up and getting married never considered staying home for the holidays if family was near. On another board, a husband and wife are arguing (according to the wife) as she wants to stay home with just her husband, her and two kids. His mother lives a few blocks and away and is by herself. There is no issues, just she wants to start her own traditions. I was brought up that I couldn't leave my mother home by herself on Christmas. I've just kind of seen a steer toward people thinking of I instead of family (and this is not in regards to those who have major family issues).

Remember Dr Laura LOL I really liked her. Anyway I remember a mother's day call. The wife was angry because her husband wanted to do something for his mother and the caller (wife) was livid and said he was to pay attention to her since she is the mother of his children. The husbands father had died a few years earlier and mother was 70. Dr Laura suggested he or they take mother out the night before for dinner and then do mother's day with wife but wife was unwavering as it was now HER day. For some reason, I remember that call from years ago and exactly where I was in the car when I heard it (I was actually by the county dump LOL).

On Harry today there was a woman in the audience who asked Harry Connick Jr how she was going to handle the holidays as her kids were older and moving on. Reminded me of this thread. In my opinion, the holidays are times for making all feel special. Brighten the days of those you know who don't have people at holidays. I am off to do our "holiday" tonight.

Dear Lord please give me a good DIL one day. Please!

My SO is an only child. His parents are older. We ALWAYS visit them for the holidays. Yes we house hop. Don't spend much time at home. But IMO being home with just us 4 isn't holidayish for me. It's boring. My kids would not be happy. I was used to being around 30-40 family members every holiday and that's how I raised my kids. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Yes it gets exhausting going to everyone's house but it's one day a year or 3 days a year (Thanksgiving, Xmas, NYE). It would NEVER cross my mind to just stay home.

If one day my son decides to not visit me or our family for the holidays because his wife wants to stay home, well I would think I failed a bit in how I raised him.

 

[sk!mom]

If one day my son decides to not visit me or our family for the holidays because his wife wants to stay home, well I would think I failed a bit in how I raised him.

I so wish that you hadn't added that line. That's the kind of "mom shaming" that piles on the mom guilt and "where did I go wrong?" feelings. Most times those feelings are so unfounded but so difficult to shake.

The OP sounds like an awesome parent who is handling this situation in exactly the most positive way for future relationships with her son and his gf. She shared her hurt here but has said that she did not/will not lay any guilt trip on her son.

To you, may your children not disappoint you but as the parent of two grown children, I would warn that it's highly likely that your children, as adults, will make many decisions that aren't what you consider best or wise or in line with "how you raised them" and I hope you then realize that they are adults in their own right and every decision does not reflect their raising.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I so wish that you hadn't added that line. That's the kind of "mom shaming" that piles on the mom guilt and "where did I go wrong?" feelings. Most times those feelings are so unfounded but so difficult to shake.

The OP sounds like an awesome parent who is handling this situation in exactly the most positive way for future relationships with her son and his gf. She shared her hurt here but has said that she did not/will not lay any guilt trip on her son.

To you, may your children not disappoint you but as the parent of two grown children, I would warn that it's highly likely that your children as adults will make many decisions that aren't what you consider best or wise or in line with "how you raised them" and I hope you then realize that they are adults in their own right and every decision does not reflect their raising.

I honestly wasn't even thinking of the OP's situation when I made that statement so I truly didn't mean to mom shame her. But I would feel like crap if my kid did that to me. I said in a PP that I would never say a word or cause drama if it came down to that in my family. It wouldn't be worth causing those waves.

I'm sure they will do things that I don't consider wise or the best. Heck my son's 17 and he does things now where I'm like