Lets just be Friends

[Erzengel]

It really depends on the people. It takes really strong people in secure relationships to accept that their spouse/SO is still friends with their ex. Then there's the well what type of friends? Do they just keep in touch via text/facebook/instagram etc.? Do they go out and actually spend time together?

 

[CapeCodTenor]

My relationships usually ended at the beginning when that line was used. So, never got that far, and those relationships that did get that far, we don't talk anymore, so never got that line.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Never stayed friends with an ex.

 

[disneychrista]

The third though... that's the one I had to use the line on. Had just been dumped by one of the aforementioned boyfriends, and he swooped in from my friend circle while I was still kinda messed up. I wish someone had pulled me aside and been like "Look, you're getting over a breakup and you can do better. He's being kinda predatory."

I totally get this. My last "relationship" was with a guy who started out as a friend but started to pursued more as soon as thing ended with the guy I had been seeing. I told him to give me time (6 months) but he didn't. I wish I had been more firm with him that I wasn't ready, that I needed time. But he pushed and I was vulnerable.

 

[wenrob]

I once ruined a friendship by becoming more. We tried to go back but it just didn’t happen. I think we’d still be friends to this day if we had just left it that way.

That was the only “let’s be friends” I attempted. The others I had no interest. None of my break ups were pretty or civil.

 

[DuskKodesh]

I totally get this. My last "relationship" was with a guy who started out as a friend but started to pursued more as soon as thing ended with the guy I had been seeing. I told him to give me time (6 months) but he didn't. I wish I had been more firm with him that I wasn't ready, that I needed time. But he pushed and I was vulnerable.

That was it exactly! It should have been a big neon warning sign but I couldn't see it at the time. Sorry you had to go through that.

 

[slpeters]

Now I am curious, why do you think it is different for gay men?

I don't actually know why. I just know that most of my gay friends have good friends, often several, who are exes and that my straight friends for the most part think that's strange.

 

[PollyannaMom]

The "still friends" guy married my husband's sister, so he is my brother-in-law.

I think you hit on the key to "staying friends" here. - If you're doing it for other people, it's easier.

I've seen it with ex-spouses who have children together, who find a way to form a friendly relationship for their sake. And I've done it in college when things didn't work out with someone but we had mutual friends (or in one case, a group we both volunteered with) who would have been put in tough spot if we didn't manage to stay OK with each other.

But then again, I'm not into drama of any kind. I've (thankfully) never actually had a break-up that was a crazy spectacular "used to love you, now hate you" horrible fight. The break-ups I had were more of the quiet "this isn't really working" type.

 

[wenrob]

I think you hit on the key to "staying friends" here. - If you're doing it for other people, it's easier.

I've seen it with ex-spouses who have children together, who find a way to form a friendly relationship for their sake. And I've done it in college when things didn't work out with someone but we had mutual friends (or in one case, a group we both volunteered with) who would have been put in tough spot if we didn't manage to stay OK with each other.

But then again, I'm not into drama of any kind. I've (thankfully) never actually had a break-up that was a crazy spectacular "used to love you, now hate you" horrible fight. The break-ups I had were more of the quiet "this isn't really working" type.

I had a penchant for toxic bad boys. Every ending was “burn this sucker to the ground.” My DH is the only decent, responsible “nice guy” I’ve ever been with. Fortunately I was smart enough not to let him get away. I can’t fathom anything that would break us up at this point but if for some reason it were to happen I could see being friends.

 

[HannaBelle]

I think you hit on the key to "staying friends" here. - If you're doing it for other people, it's easier.

I've seen it with ex-spouses who have children together, who find a way to form a friendly relationship for their sake. And I've done it in college when things didn't work out with someone but we had mutual friends (or in one case, a group we both volunteered with) who would have been put in tough spot if we didn't manage to stay OK with each other.

But then again, I'm not into drama of any kind. I've (thankfully) never actually had a break-up that was a crazy spectacular "used to love you, now hate you" horrible fight. The break-ups I had were more of the quiet "this isn't really working" type.

If my spouse and I broke up at this point, it would be a cash and burn all the bridges situation. It would be really ugly.

 

[mrodgers]

I have my kids that I travel with. I have my bicycle that I tour for weeks at a time. I have my motorcycle that I plan on many long weekends with. I have and do those things because I have never had more than $10 until I got divorced. I am perfectly happy not being in any relationship. I'm too busy.

That said, I met a girl 20+ years ago. Married that girl. That girl changed into another girl. That was fine. Then another girl came along and that wasn't fine. There were a lot of problems which helped that girl to develop further into the deep end. Ended up divorced which flipped that girl upside down. Wow!

Had to stay with Mom a few years. Took her to church every Sunday. One Sunday morning, the sermon was on forgiveness which really got into my head. I was going to wait and have a quick talk with the preacher after service. How do you forgive someone who was that hurtful. As I thought that, that's exactly what he started to get into. He talked about forgiveness from afar. I walked out of church that day with Wow going through my head.

Next time I had correspondence with her, still during the divorce process, I worked into and calmed the nastiness coming at me and we had a talk. We had kids, thus had a relationship whether we liked it or not. It could be a bad relationship or a good relationship, that was up to us.

There is no getting back together as a couple, but now a few years later, we took the kids (HS teens) for a long weekend together to NYC. She works retail so works a lot of weekends which I am with the kids most weekends. When she is off, she wants to do something so we all end up going somewhere together as a family still very often. Last year we rented a boat out on Lake Erie and had a blast. As I said, we went a weekend to NYC. We all go out to dinner, I pay on one of the girl's birthday and she pays the other. I and the girls take her somewhere on her birthday, or the closest weekend of the birthday and she and the girls take me somewhere.

I even stay at the house on Christmas Eve and we have Christmas morning together. I am out at the house often and I am reminded when I am in there how she lives and how she doesn't do anything different. That will never change and that's fine, we're no longer married. That is why we are able to be friends now, we don't have that bond that we have to put up with each other's living habits. She can keep on living her self destructing chaotic life and I happily can live mine after fixing everything 17 years destroyed.

It's like we are the best friends we never were when we were married.

 

[NYCgrrl]

I'm still at least on speaking terms with almost every man I dated. There is one exception.

 

[disneychrista]

We should just be friends aka I’m dumping you and hope you don’t hate me.

 

[disneychrista]

I'm still at least on speaking terms with almost every man I dated. There is one exception.

Speaking terms does not equal friends in my book.

 

[Disneypro1]

We should just be friends aka I’m dumping you and hope you don’t hate me.

Exactly. I don’t see much good in being friends with an ex. Sooner or later... something WILL happen and the next relationship is messed up. Once it’s done. It’s done. Move on.

 

[NYCgrrl]

Speaking terms does not equal friends in my book.

My definition of a friend is on a different thread.

Former dating persons and fiances (when younger, I enjoyed getting engaged and then calling it off; outgrown that behavior now as I just say "Noooo" and all is well) I can spend time with them as well as their wives and kids where applicable.

The ex is the exception to the rule although I consider his sister a friend.

 

[goofyernmost]

Reminds me of my high school First love. All I ever heard was the word "platonic". I was thinking about getting it tattooed on my forehead. Course that was a very different time. When my wife left after 29 years she didn't want to stay friends so we didn't. It was probably better that way.