Only child is socially independent - good or bad?

[nkereina]

I'm referring to social independence, like not being afraid to do their own thing or not follow the crowd even as a young child.

I am an only child, and I would say this would describe me when I was that age. I wouldn't say its directly correlated to being an only child though. Aside from having no siblings, there were also no kids on my street to play with as I was growing up. I had friends in school and play dates, etc. but much of my time at home was spent entertaining myself or playing alone. I was always perfectly content with that, likely because I didn't know any different. So because of that, I've always been fine doing my own thing. Sometimes, I prefer it!

 

[PrincessJo]

My son is an only child and is the exact same way. At 21 he is still like that and I love that about him. He will leave the house and say, I'm going to hang out with my friends. Just 30 minutes later he'll come back and say, meh, they went to see a movie I don't want to see, so I just came home.

My son is not dependent on others for entertainment or acceptance or affirmation. He is comfortable by himself and with himself. Not following the crowd is a good thing. In high school he had several friends who experimented with drugs and alcohol. One ended up in rehab. I noticed that I hadn't seen these friends for a couple of weeks and asked about them. My son said that they were doing things he didn't approve of and they aren't his friends anymore. I have never worried about him making a poor choice in this regard.

Nothing you described seems to be a red flag at all to me You should be proud that your daughter walks to the beat of her own drummer.

I just wanted to add.... I always found that most groups of girls can be very cruel to one another. My son mentioned through school several times how thankful he was not to be a girl. Your daughter may be listening to her gut and not hanging out with specific kids on purpose. Just a thought

 

[Be Enchanted]

As far as what you’re describing with your daughter, please understand I come from a place of kindness and as a mother who has the benefit of hindsight. As much as you try to shield your daughter from your own issues (anxiety, mine was depression), she will be affected. You said you’ve “questioned her about this 10 different ways”. That degree of questioning, however positive you present it, could signal to her that you think something is wrong with her. She could start to question herself and I don’t think that’s what you are intending.

It was very hard for me to stand back when I saw my daughter struggling socially just as I had as a child. Sometimes I interpreted behaviors incorrectly because they were similar to behaviors I exhibited as a child and I assumed the reasons for the behavior were similar too. You said you can’t wrap your head around it and I think that is a definite signal that you need to back off. Trust what she’s telling you, else you’re going to cause her to doubt herself. Even if she is excluding herself and does not have many friends, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It may just be who she is and that she’s content with it.

Thank you, thank you. You totally nailed this on the head. I am definitely interpreting her behaviors and applying my own opinions...but you're right, she's a different person and just because I did something that way once for reason ABC that might not be why she is doing it.

 

[ravenclawtrekkie]

I've been the same way my whole life.

If my friends are eating at a restaurant I don't like, or seeing a movie I'm not interested in, or watching a sport I'm not a fan of, I'll hang out with them another time. It's not the end of the world.

I'm also perfectly content doing things I do enjoy by myself if they're not things other people are interested in.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I have 4 kids, so let me give you a view into my life:

My oldest has always, always, been super independent. On her first day of preschool, she walked away from me without tears, a hug, or even a backward glance. I felt pretty useless! But as others have pointed out to me, she uses me as her touchstone--she knows I'm there, so she can venture out. She has always followed her own path, totally fearless. Even though she was the smallest girl in her grade, the bus bully was afraid of her--he was twice her size. She chose her own path through HS, getting crap from friends for not having a "better" goal and taking more rigorous classes. She graduated 20-something in a class of 400 and got into her dream school--a large, thriving urban campus. Double-majored (elementary/bilingual education), did a semester abroad, and is now teaching English language learners, 800 miles away. Sigh!

Kid #2 was totally different. Major health and developmental issues in his first five years. Many, many rounds of testing to figure him out. We finally got answers a couple years ago--he's super smart, but has Asperger's, anxiety, depression, and 2 learning disabilities. He's also off-the-scale introverted. His path is murkier, but he's attending community college while living at home, and he's on meds. I don't see him living far from family, although with help, he can probably find his niche.

Kid #3 was very anxious as a child, but has grown to be uber-social. She, too, takes no crap from anyone, and is super friendly. Ironically, I think moving in 7th grade helped her to empathize with new kids, and give her the skills to make friends easily. She's hoping to be a prosecutor, so she can be the voice of the victim. In HS, she doesn't hang out with the "cool kids"--she's very loyal to her group of friends from middle school. For now. That may change as years go on--DD is in the IB program, which is quite rigorous, and only one of her friends also chose that route.

Kid #4 (my baby!) is very laid-back, but he also doesn't care what people think of him. He has friends, but not a whole lot of them. He loves color and dance, Boy Scouts, and the violin. He'll wear a tie-dye shirt every day of the week, and doesn't care what anyone thinks.

I think, when you only have one kid, it's easy to look to yourself as to why they do certain things, or are a certain way. Don't flatter yourself!I wish I could take credit for my oldest being so independent and focused and confident. She literally was that way when she was a baby! I marvel at it, mostly because I don't know where it came from. I do think it's important to think of how a child's specific personality traits can get them into trouble, and maybe work to smooth out the edges, i.e., speaking your mind is fine, but maybe not to the principal if you think he's wrong during an assembly.

 

[J'aime Paris]

I am an only child and my DD is an only child.

Personalities and sometimes preferences differ; that's what makes us unique. I get it, worrying comes with parenthood, but don't drive yourself crazy over it.

I'm very extroverted and social. I was not only part of the crowd, but often the leader. That said, I'm extremely independent too.

My DD was introverted to the extreme when small, and often didn't want to join with peers. I was worried that something was "not quite right" with her.
Turns out, she's pretty darn awesome! And I was dead wrong!
DD came out of her shell on her own schedule....she has plenty of friends....loves living at college...gaining confidence and independence every day!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I haven't read past the original post... but when I read about staying behind, and doing something more independent /solitary instead of following the group to do something more active and interactive, And, hearing the words 'excluding herself'. I am not sure that 'independent' is the right word??? I wonder about other things like being more introverted, and not as socially active/adept???

Maybe these things could be factors?

I see being 'independent' and voluntarily always 'excluding oneself from groups' as two different things.

 

[Be Enchanted]

thank you everyone so much for your thoughts. I love this board!

Just to add some more color. She does have friends, she does enjoy having play dates. She just doesn't seem as comfortable in large groups of kids and can get a little overwhelmed sometimes. She has ADHD so I do think she's a bit socially immature as well.

 

[Be Enchanted]

There is nothing wrong with being independent or more of an introvert.

However, part of your post stood out as a red flag and it's the part where she said "I didn't know what they were talking about so I just walked away." In an 8 year old, this is not developmentally typical behavior.

Autism is very underdiagnosed in girls and I would start looking into that as a possibility. At this age, kids are forming social groups and this is precisely what autistic kids struggle with. Wanting to engage in solitary activities because she doesn't have the skills to navigatte social group dynamics is something that should be looked into further.

You mention she has always been this way but it is becoming more noticeable (more of a problem?) now. Lacking a desire for social interaction at a young age shouldn't be passed off as a personality thing until other avenues are explored.

I do understand what you are saying. I probably didn't explain the situation thoroughly enough. She does enjoy social interaction and she she does have friends. I think that particular moment was two girls that are in the same class discussing something that she didn't know anything about (since she's not in their class) so she walked away.

 

[Katie Dawn]

Our DD 7 years is an only child and is extremely social. Quiet at first, but extremely extroverted (in that she is energized by being around people) and doesn't really like playing alone. She has the ability to play alone, but will almost always choose to play with someone rather than by herself.
I think it's just their individual personalites!

 

[Katie Dawn]

thank you everyone so much for your thoughts. I love this board!

Just to add some more color. She does have friends, she does enjoy having play dates. She just doesn't seem as comfortable in large groups of kids and can get a little overwhelmed sometimes. She has ADHD so I do think she's a bit socially immature as well.

I can relate! I have ADHD as well and we tend to struggle a bit with picking up on those social cues (not so much now as an adult but it took me alot longer to learn those skills than other kids my age.) A big group has lots of different dynamics going on at once and can be overwhelming! I am very extroverted and social, but prefer smaller groups where I can truly connect with people. I don't enjoy large group gatherings.

 

[SaintsManiac]

My daughter is 7 and also an only child. She know what she wants and doesn't care one bit what other people are doing. Even if her Girl Scout troop is doing an activity she will not participate if she doesn't want to. She's very sure of things like that. She has no trouble working in groups or making friends.

I find it wonderful. I love that she knows her mind. I used to ask her all the time about it, but I stopped. She will play alone in her room for hours and rarely declares that she is bored. I used to worry about it, but I know better now.

 

[DLgal]

thank you everyone so much for your thoughts. I love this board!

Just to add some more color. She does have friends, she does enjoy having play dates. She just doesn't seem as comfortable in large groups of kids and can get a little overwhelmed sometimes. She has ADHD so I do think she's a bit socially immature as well.

That does help explain a bit more. ADHD definitely brings along social skills deficits. I wouldn't be too concerned as long as she has at least a couple real friends and can engage socially when she wants to. It becomes a problem when a child WANTS to connect socially but can't. Doesn't sound like this is her right now.

I have an autistic son with ADHD as well and he is a SERIOUS introvert. He actually has never had a real friend or even wanted to spend any time with other kids outside of school. He has no desire. Even in school, it's very one sided (other kids engage him but he has to be heavily prompted to engage with them). He is completely brilliant, though, and spends his free time soaking up all kinds of knowledge on the computer, building electronics and computers, honing his baking skills, etc. He is happiest in solitary activities. He even plays actual solitaire with actual playing cards! LOL! He is almost 14. I don't worry about him because I have learned that you simply cannot force a child to do something they just don't have any motivation to do. Maybe eventually he will want friends, but I'm leaving that up to him.

 

[Wishing on a star]

One-on-one can be easier, where more than three or four can be overwhelming, when developmental things are there.
She might just be more introverted...
She might wish she could be the social butterfly with groups of friends, but it is just overwhelming, for now.
She might become more social as she grows up.
Kids grow and develop, in all ways, including socially, at very different rates!

And, another thing I have found out, as a parent of a kid with some developmental things going on.
From me, to a new parent of an only child.....
I could learn TONS more just by 'watching' and being there than I ever could by questioning!!!!!

For example, I could sense that something was 'off', like at school....
I could have asked until Kingdom come. Would not have been so effective.
I could 'stop by', for lunch, or for some other random reason, and within minutes have the situation figured out!!!!

If she is doing well, and interacts with some friends, then don't over-think....
Be patient... encourage.... watch....

 

[ZephyrHawk]

I'm an only child, the daughter of an only child, and the mother of an only child. I would say we are all more socially independent than average, and I would attribute it (at least partly) to being raised as only children. We don't necessarily look to ther people for entertainment. From my perspective it's strength, not a weakness. Independent does not mean socially inept. In fact, we're all very social. We just don't follow a crowd, they come to us.

 

[MamaLema]

I am an only child and I am just like your daughter. Just posted on another thread that my mom and grandma are only children too so I don’t even have cousins, nieces, nephews.

I am very socially independent to the point where I love my husband and kids but if one day I had to be alone I would be ok with that.

 

[Kitty 34]

OP, your title says: Only child socially independent; good or bad? Just curious, what do you think? And either way you answer how would you want to change your child if you do think it possibly bad?

Me, personally, I feel there are soooo many different ways a child might be; either being female, male, only child, oldest child, adopted child, etc etc, etc. I'm in the camp of just letting them be who they are unless their actions are truly detrimental to their health or others. Enjoy your DD.

 

[AustinTink]

Sometimes, though, needing alone (quiet) time *can* be an only child trait. I was never used to being around a lot of noise/kids all the time like people who had a lot of siblings did. If I was around all that for any amount of time (such as at my after-school sitter who had 4 rambunctious kids) I would need to go off by myself for a while.

My only child is just like this. He needs time to himself on a regular basis especially when he has been in situations like the ones you described. He is very social and loves parties and hanging out in big groups, but usually needs to decompress for a while after.

 

[Miranda Danda]

Im an only child and I have an only child in third grade. She is very much a leader and does what she wants to do and others tend to follow along. She has a big personality, and sometimes she doesn’t even realize others are following behind. She would do the same thing if no one else followed. I think it’s definitely a strength because she’ll be less likely to blindly follow a group simply because she wants to be with others and do what they do.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Agree with the others - not an "only" thing.

DS17 - very much a leader and black and white. He has a highly innate sense of integrity and has never done anything that he hasn't WANTED to do. This has led to him excluding HIMSELF in a lot of teen social situations as he was a football player and the majority of his team would head to someone's basement or garage to party after games and team events. There were times when he was a kid where I actually had to tell him that it was OK to follow sometimes and the best leaders know how to loosen the reigns and let someone else lead occasionally. But his focus has also served him well - unlike most kids his age, he has a very clear plan on his college and career path, and he won't let anyone veer him from that path (even his girlfriends, which is another thread! LOL)

DD13 - very independent. Much like your DD, she never felt compelled to join in with girls if she didn't want to. If they were in the sandbox and she wanted to swing, she would swing. If they were all swinging and the other girls left to go to the slide and DD still wanted to swing, she would stay on the swing. This does lead to exclusion after a while, but DD never really cared. She to this day kind of hates the "clique" crowds and has this amazing group of about 9 or 10 girls, and a larger group if you include the 6 or 7 boys they've been running around with lately (8th grade), and has absolutely ZERO interest in hanging out with the mean girls/boys who all treat each other terribly and have been vaping and drinking at parties all year. She has been a cheerleader since 1st grade, with a little dance and gymnastics thrown in here and there, but also is very artistic (she freehand drew the Elsa in my avatar pic when she was 9 years old) is in after-school chorus, and is learning how to play the guitar, plus wants to be an athletic student trainer in HS next year as well as play lacrosse. Every activity she does is because SHE wants to do it, whereas so many of the girls in her grade will only do something if their friends do it too. She started being excluded by the mean girls group that she was friends with when she was younger by about 3rd grade when they realized that she was never going to follow the queen bee - I think they didn't quite know what to do with her! lol I'm glad....I never, ever have to worry about her doing something she doesn't want to do.

DS12 - more of a follower. He goes along to get along - he learned from his older siblings that the fight isn't worth it! lol But he will also walk away from the "football game" at recess if he thinks the kids are being ridiculous, and is completely annoyed by fake, showboaty people. Most of the time, he just wants to do his own thing and not cause conflict, but there are times he will get sucked into a group of kids goofing off. He seems to be a pretty well-balanced, typical 12 year old, and is my least-worrisome kid, in a social sense.

Great-Nephew11 - we have had guardianship of him for the past 8 months, but before that he was raised as an only child by his many relatives that passed him around before we got him for good. He has ADHD as well, and is the biggest follower I have ever met. He is the "We don't like him"...."We...we...we..", and the kid jumping around in the background yelling "yeah, yeah..what he said!" kind of person. He doesn't even take a second to think about consequences before jumping into a situation with both feet whenever there is a group of kids doing ANYTHING good or bad. He will walk into a room and instantly join in with whatever is going on even if he hasn't ever met the kids before! He is very enthusiastic, energetic, and loud - willing to do anything someone tells him to do. We have many talks about NOT following the crowd with him! Part of it is that he was raised by older women who didn't set boundaries and limits with him, part of it is the ADHD, but a LOT of it is just his personality. He is so extroverted and bubbly - complete opposite of his cousins who are all three very serious rule-followers!