Vent about DH

[Mickey Fanatic]

I hope that this isn't going to sound too trivial. I have read some of the other posts and I am amazed at the amount of strength that I have seen.

Just over a month ago my 18 month old daughter and I were at dinner at my parent's house. My DH was at work and knew that we would be home around 7:30. We live 20 minutes from my parents and we work about an hour from home in the other direction.

Anyway we got home just before 7:30 and came in the house where the dog was waiting for us. I was wondering where DH was because his car was in the driveway but all the lights in the house were off. I thought that maybe DH was lying down because he hadn't been feeling well or sleeping well so I checked our room and the familyroom couch. We live in a 4 level backsplit so when I was in the familyroom I heard a funny sound coming from the basement. By this point I was really scared, I thought that maybe someone else was in the house. I carried my daughter downstairs and discovered my husband lying in the workroom with a bag over his face a cord around his neck. I tore the bag and cord away and he was the most terrible grey colour and making the most terrible noises.

I called 911 and took my daughter upstairs to get her away from the situation. As she is only 18 months old I didn't feel comfortable leaving her alone and I didn't want her to pick up on the fact that there was something wrong. It turns out that he was inhaling helium.

Since being released from the hospital DH has been going regularly to our family doctor and a psychologist. Since he has always been very introverted I do not know how these sessions are going. He says that I can ask him anything but I do not know the words.

My issue right now is the ANGER that I feel towards him still. I keep thinking how he could do this to us. If he had died, it would have been ruled a suicide and we would have lost everything that we have worked for. And how could he even think about leaving our beautiful little girl without the daddy she already adores. I just want to scream at him, but all the doctor's say that he needs my support, not anger.

Then how can I trust him again? Everytime that he is home alone I think the worst things. If he can't sleep and I wake up I get scared.
And did I make the right decision about staying upstairs with my daughter and not staying downstairs with him?

Has anyone gone through this? Does it get better? I still love him death but I feel like my world has fallen apart. I do have an appointment with a professsional but not until the end of this month.

 

[natenapril]

No words of advice really just

My MIL commited suicide and it was awful for the family. She was successful in her attempt and now her family will always wonder WHY?

I understand your feelings of betrayal but your DH obviously needs help. And I guess this is one of those "in sickness and in health" moments that are going to be really tough.

Please hang in there and stay strong for your baby girl

 

[DisneyFairytale]

That's quite the situation. I don't have any words for you other than what you're feeling is very normal for the situation and what's happened. I strongly recommend going through the hospital to get some counciling. Have you been able to talk to him since this happened? has he talked to you about it?

Communication is the most important thing to keep a relationship going, but I'm honestly not sure how to go about it when there is a mental illness involved in the equation.

You're one strong women to have gone this far. Keep your chin up. You have a beautiful daughter to keep going as well as what you stand for.
Good luck with everything.

 

[quasar4legs]

I am sorry that your family is dealing with this sad situation.
It might be worth you getting some individual counselling so that you can get some help with how you are feeling. Perhaps a counsellor could help you to formulate a way to talk to your husband about how you are both feeling.

I really am sorry and sending you all a big cyber hug and hope that things improve for you all in the future. Take care of your little one and be kind to yourself

Quasar

 

[Pea-n-Me]

This is one of the saddest posts I've ever read here.

I hope your husband gets the help he needs. Keeping you in my prayers.

 

[es45]

I no way is your post "trivial." I don't have anything to offer but to say that I'm sorry you and your DH are going through this and I'm glad that you will see a professional soon for your own well being. I know it must have been difficult to have your daughter with you when you found your husband. IMO, you did the right thing to stay with her. Don't continue to feel guilty.

 

[Heidict]

I can't imagine what you must have been feeling when you discovered your DH. You where right to shield your DD from it, even at that young an age, they can still understand tension and fear.

Glad to know that he is doing better and is seeking help for what he was doing. The anger that you are feeling is normal. How could you not be angry with him? I would be livid and tempted to tear his throat out. It will take time to get through that anger, but eventually, it will fade. Not directing it at him has to be hard though. Glad to see that you are going to see someone for yourself about this.

It will take time, possibly even years for you to ever rebuild your trust in him. There will always be these doubts creeping into your mind when you are not with him, images that you would rather never see again. There is no easy cure or fix to get all the trust back.

Just as you have to be patient and supportive of him, he is also going to have to be patient with you. It will take an enormous amount of effort on his part to work on getting that trust back and that means that there may be times where you are going to question him, where you are going to check up on him and he is just going to have to accept that it is part of the process of retrusting him.

The trust will rebuild over time and as he shows improvement.


I will keep your whole family in my prayers.

 

[minkydog]

Trivial? I'm guessing that you're still in shock because nobody on this earth would call this situation trivial. I am so sorry, but glad you found him in time. This has to be a terrible time for you.

I have great sympathy for you. About 18 months ago I decided that i needed to die. I was deeply depressed and in my illness suicide made the most sense. It wasn't about not caring for my family--depression made me believe I would be doing them a favor! It was more about the deep, aching lonliness and unhappiness in my life, the unresolved traumas, and constant caregiving that left me empty with no way to fill my bucket up. Depression is like living the WORST day of your life, every.single.day. Terrible doesn't even begin to convey the feeling.

I did and said things in my illness that today just horrify me. My family really suffered as a result of my deep depression. And you know what? my husband had no idea I was that depressed. He was truly shocked when I told him my plan. Thankfully, he took my straight to the hospital where I stayed for a few weeks while my mind got more stable and I learned some better ways to cope with the extreme stress. It has taken my husband a long time to learn to trust me because I have given him some serious reasons NOT to trust me. I don't know that he will ever not worry about relapse. And I'm really sorry that I did that to him.

OP, I don't want to make this about me. I just wanted you to know, it's not your fault. And it's not his fault either. Depression is a serious illness. It kills people, as many as 20% of its sufferers. You don't mention a psychiatrist, but I would highly HIGHLY recommend one. If you had a heart problem you'd go to a specialist, right? Well, psychiatrists are the specialists of the mind. This is way beyond what a family doctor should be managing. They simply aren't trained for this.

I would also urge you to find a counselor for yourself. Anger is normal, to be expected. Helplessness and grief are all part of the process. You might not feel like you can share those things with your DH right now, or any of your family. A licensed therapist will give you a neutral corner to go to where you can spill your guts in safety and they will help you find your way back. Couples therapy would also be helpful--there's a lot of unsaid stuff going on underneath, I'm guessing.

One year ago I graduated from my recovery program. Recovery is an ongoing process. I'm happy now. I feel strong and capable, all things I thought I would never feel. I have hope. I have hope for you and your husband that together you can overcome. You have a lot of rough days ahead of you, but know that you're not alone. There are a lot of people out there and right here on this board who have walked the same road and understand what you're going through. Don't be afraid to vent. And don't minimize the situation. It really is as bad as you think it is.

 

[es45]

OP, just checking in to see how you are doing?

 

[Mickey Fanatic]

Thank you all for your kind words and support.

We are getting there, one day at a time. I think that I have run the whole spectrum of emotions and I know that DH has too. I have been to a psychologist to help me deal with my anger. And have learned that the anger is the reaction to all the other emotions that I have churning inside.

I went through a brief time when I thougt about taking DD and the dog and leaving and then my faith stopped me. I promised in front of God through good times and bad and sickness and in health. This is that time! I believe we will come out on the otherside stronger than ever.

The hardest part I think is rebuilding the trust that I had. I can now go a day without the constant worry, hopefully that will get longer too. But I think as a PP stated I will always worry about a relapse.

Thank you again for listening, withour judgment.

 

[Heidict]

So glad to hear that things are getting a bit better and that everyone is working to towards recovery and healing.

It will be long road and things may never get right to where they were before all this happened, but often you can find yourselves coming out stronger in the end. You have such an optimistic attitude about your marriage, your family and your commitment to both. That attitude really is essential in allowing the healing to happen and allowing the trust to rebuild.

We are here if you ever need to talk or even just blow off some steam.

 

[Mickey Fanatic]

Hello all

First of all I would like to thank you all for the kind words last year. It has been an incredibly difficult year, with a lot of ups and downs. It turns out that DH wasn't trying to kill himself persay. He was diagnosed with severe OCD and was following through on a compulsion from some extremely dark thoughts. It is a terrible illness and I am still learning a lot about what he was dealing with. He was seeing psychitrist(SP?) every week and taking his meds everyday.

Unfortunately he lost his battle and passed away suddenly on March 10. I am still in shock and miss him so much. I keep thinking that someone will tell me that it is a bad dream and I will wake up and he will be there.

I know that a lot of people laugh at taking small children to the World but I thank God that we were able to take DD (2) twice. She will always know that her Daddy shared with her our favourite place. We were planning on going again this November and now I don't know how I will. It is going to be the most difficult trip ever. I can't imagine being there without him but I can't imagine not sharing with my DD the magic and joy we felt on every trip.

Thanks for listening and thanks again for all your kind words last year.

 

[Jen0504]

I am so extremely sorry for your loss!! My two teenage boys lost their biological dad a year ago March. We were divorced, and I had since been remarried. It was very hard watching my children go through such an emotional rollercoaster (one minute they were crying and upset, and the next they were angy and wondering why such a thing happened). Know that it does get easier with time. There are definite moments of sadness and some anger, but as time goes on it subsides. Like I tell my kids.....you now have a special guardian angel looking over you and your child. Just know that you are an amazing strong woman!

 

[quasar4legs]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I shall be thinking of you and your precious daughter.

Quasar

 

[mommasita]

I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your DD in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[myheartlivesatwdw]

I am so sorry.

 

[es45]

I'm so sorry to read this sad update. I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling.

I'm glad that you have those memories at Disney and of DH at a better time. My prayers for you and your daughter.