Would you tell/warn someone they are being annoying?

Lilacs4Me

DIS Veteran
Joined
Aug 31, 2015
I have no idea how this happened, but in two areas of my life right now I am in the middle of grown adults who are acting like middle school girls.

If you found yourself in the middle of something like the two scenarios below, would you just ignore everyone and let the chips lie where they fall, or give people a heads up? I'll give details here just because I need to vent before I go insane lol, but really the details aren't important - you can pretty much fill in the details with whatever situation you have dealt/are dealing with.

1. Work - Boss has a project that she needs someone to step up and lead. Myself and three other people already have projects we are leading and are not expected or wanted, in this case, to volunteer. A few other people would be good fits someday but are relatively new. It would be great for them, but they would need some handholding (which would fall on me and the other 3). There are 3 MORE people who have the most tenure (11, 16, and 15 years with the company) who NEVER lead anything...they seem like they are sort of just hanging around waiting for retirement in 10 years.

Boss asks again at our team meeting last week. The 3 long-timers are silent. One of the 4 of us who already has a project speaks up and says he will do it. Then one of the long-timers asked if boss has given any thought as to when we might add another work at home day (we are going full-on remote as of Jan 1st). Boss kind of lights into her and says we have too much going on with training the new people and getting all our ducks in a row before even thinking about adding remote working to the mix.

The next day, co-worker sent me a copy of a schedule she put together for each employee to get an extra day at home. I said I would wait to send it because I don't think it will be received well, but she said she is sending it to our boss this week anyway. (OK, whatever...it's her problem, not mine!) Then, yesterday, boss and I were talking about upcoming training schedules (I am one of the key trainers for the department) and without so many words, was very clearly annoyed by coworker NOT stepping up, then trying to push the remote working subject. It's not the first time. I would consider co-worker my work friend. Would you tell her to stop pushing the issue or just wait and watch the inevitable explosion happen?

2. Another "work friend-ish" type of person and I run a volunteer organization together. She is upset (we both are) at the lack of support we get from the other part of the organization and there has been some drama with the ladies on the other side of things attacking us in email and even bringing my friend's 13 year old daughter into the issue in a way. I handled it by talking to the president like an adult. She handles it by fighting with the other women in the group and then running back to the president and "tattling". He got sick of it and told her to stop. She keeps doing it. He's getting to the end of his rope. They both have valid points. He and she are friends outside of this, in a way that I am not. If I wasn't doing this I would probably never talk to them other than a hello in passing. Would you tell her that she isn't "getting" his signals that he is done listening to her tattle?

These are all grown adults! Sigh! My normal M.O. is to back out of anything that has to do with anything like this and not get involved, but I am involved in ways that I can't just ignore it without it affecting me. I don't gossip and I don't involve myself in other people's lives - ever. Lately, though, all of these people come to me and tell me these things, so I am right in the middle with a highly vested interest in both the organization and my career!
 
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1. Why doesn't the boss assign someone? I wouldn't be annoyed at the co-worker, I'd be annoyed at my boss for not being a boss. I wouldn't say anything though.

2. I'd stay out of, what happens between those 2 are between those 2.

I agree! And I'm annoyed that I'm in the middle of it, not annoyed AT at anyone lol And I would LOVE another work at home day, but I'm smart enough to know not to push the issue right now! haha

Yes, my boss could have just assigned someone. She likes to let us volunteer though...take ownership. We do a lot of inter-division projects that don't necessarily have anything to do with our day to day stuff. We own our projects/work so she trusts us to know what we can take on and what we can't. She will assign if she feels someone can take it on or if it is pertinent to our area of expertise. This particular project doesn't really fall under that parameter, and we have 4 new-ish people, plus the 3 long-timers, so she wanted to see if any of them would take the initiative and step up without her assigning it. Guess she learned her lesson!
 
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1) Next time friend brought up working from home to me, I'd nicely say something like "I wonder if boss is worried about projects getting completed if we work from home. She seems to have a lot of trouble getting experienced workers to volunteer as leads, and with less visibility, that might make it harder."

2) I'd stay out of.
 


I would stay out of both issues.

1:You employer has mentioned that she is annoyed to you, but that comment may have been made in frustration, and not meant to be acted upon. I think that once you step in, even if you do so in a well meaning way you have violated your boss's trust. Your boss has already made her feelings known, but your coworkers have ignored her signals. I wish people would just say what they mean, but she has chosen not to. I would follow suit.

2: Your colleague will learn the hard way. Any adult who "tattles" chooses to do so, and no one can give them a heads up. Believe me, she has been warned before, I bet.
 
1 You already gave the coworker advise when she sent you the schedule, and she ignored it. Having an addition conversation probably won’t help and in the workplace I try hard not to get between the boss and other coworkers.

2 I might speak to my partner depending on the specifics. You say you run the organization with her- if you are co-leads and the other person is jeopardizing your program I think you do have a place to speak to her. I’d ask her for some time to sit down and talk about the leadership direction and how we can improve it (you said you both were unhappy with the support so I’d treat it as a brainstorming session for ways to get more support. As part of the discussion I think you can say you want to be on the same page with how you respond to issues and approach the president).
 
1. Let the chips fall where they may, you can't change her, and getting spanked by the boss may help to fix the problem. Boss should have told you and the others who were already leading to not volunteer for the new project, and then when no one stepped up, she could assign it to someone new or one of the old-timers who are just coasting, now one of you is overloaded, but, that's his choice.

2. Stay out of that one, stay far, far away.
 


If it were me, I'd stay out of it. And I don't think your boss is fully doing her job. She should assign whomever she wants to be those project leaders.
 
Not going to respond to #2 because it's not that interesting to me, lol, sorry.

For #1, just let your friend do what your friends wants to do. If working remotely is something they want and don't mind ruffling feathers to get it, good for them. The worst that happens is she gets told "no" over and over and over.
 
Yes, my boss could have just assigned someone. She likes to let us volunteer though...take ownership. We do a lot of inter-division projects that don't necessarily have anything to do with our day to day stuff.


Same answer for both. When you are dealing with volunteers, you just have to deal with what you get. But they are not YOUR volunteers, so just sit by and be amused.
 
To answer the headline question, heck no. I just watch and laugh while they destroy themselves.

Now let me see what your specifics are.

I have no idea how this happened, but in two areas of my life right now I am in the middle of grown adults who are acting like middle school girls.

If you found yourself in the middle of something like the two scenarios below, would you just ignore everyone and let the chips lie where they fall, or give people a heads up? I'll give details here just because I need to vent before I go insane lol, but really the details aren't important - you can pretty much fill in the details with whatever situation you have dealt/are dealing with.

1. Work - Boss has a project that she needs someone to step up and lead. Myself and three other people already have projects we are leading and are not expected or wanted, in this case, to volunteer. A few other people would be good fits someday but are relatively new. It would be great for them, but they would need some handholding (which would fall on me and the other 3). There are 3 MORE people who have the most tenure (11, 16, and 15 years with the company) who NEVER lead anything...they seem like they are sort of just hanging around waiting for retirement in 10 years.

Boss asks again at our team meeting last week. The 3 long-timers are silent. One of the 4 of us who already has a project speaks up and says he will do it. Then one of the long-timers asked if boss has given any thought as to when we might add another work at home day (we are going full-on remote as of Jan 1st). Boss kind of lights into her and says we have too much going on with training the new people and getting all our ducks in a row before even thinking about adding remote working to the mix.

The next day, co-worker sent me a copy of a schedule she put together for each employee to get an extra day at home. I said I would wait to send it because I don't think it will be received well, but she said she is sending it to our boss this week anyway. (OK, whatever...it's her problem, not mine!) Then, yesterday, boss and I were talking about upcoming training schedules (I am one of the key trainers for the department) and without so many words, was very clearly annoyed by coworker NOT stepping up, then trying to push the remote working subject. It's not the first time. I would consider co-worker my work friend. Would you tell her to stop pushing the issue or just wait and watch the inevitable explosion happen?

2. Another "work friend-ish" type of person and I run a volunteer organization together. She is upset (we both are) at the lack of support we get from the other part of the organization and there has been some drama with the ladies on the other side of things attacking us in email and even bringing my friend's 13 year old daughter into the issue in a way. I handled it by talking to the president like an adult. She handles it by fighting with the other women in the group and then running back to the president and "tattling". He got sick of it and told her to stop. She keeps doing it. He's getting to the end of his rope. They both have valid points. He and she are friends outside of this, in a way that I am not. If I wasn't doing this I would probably never talk to them other than a hello in passing. Would you tell her that she isn't "getting" his signals that he is done listening to her tattle?

These are all grown adults! Sigh! My normal M.O. is to back out of anything that has to do with anything like this and not get involved, but I am involved in ways that I can't just ignore it without it affecting me. I don't gossip and I don't involve myself in other people's lives - ever. Lately, though, all of these people come to me and tell me these things, so I am right in the middle with a highly vested interest in both the organization and my career!

1. Depends. If it's just a co-worker that wants me to send it to the boss in his or her stead. Heck no!!! I'm not getting involved in that. If I am the channel through which people are supposed to send things through to the boss than yes, I pass it on as required and I let the boss know who it came from.

2. No. I'd not say a word. If she can't take a hint, that's her problem. I wouldn't get involved. In any volunteer organization, I do my job my way. If they don't like it, what are they going to do fire me? It's not like I'm losing any skin off my nose if they do. I don't get involved in the my ego is bigger than yours nonsense.
 
It is completely opposite where I am. I had a co-worker that I helped with some things when she was off. When she retired I volunteered to take that work on permanently in addition to my own work and I have also volunteered to help my assistant manager with things when she is off and other things as well and every time I let them know of my interest she and the manager have assigned those things to others and all the ones that get those things do is complain. I am a good worker and you would think most managers or assistant managers would be happy someone was stepping up and would give those tasks to the person that actually enjoys handling those things.
 

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