What would you do? UPDATE: Pg 7--I'm not fooling :)

[muushupork]

Playing devils advocate I can imagine the woman is a homemaker and has been going bonkers during all of this (control issues). I would hope if you really were friends that she would eventually come out of this and realize you were there for her, but it is very hard to see past your own despair at times like this. Bottom line in any relationship though is take care of yourself first.

 

[cabanafrau]

Agree. Cabanafrau:. What is a Grifter?

A scammer, conman.

Everything has happened "to them". Now somebody's loaning them the downpayment? I hope they love them & have gone in knowing they are about to be permanently parted from their money.

All the housing opportunities that have fallen through & they expect people to believe the one that's happening is construction of a new home. The only way that comes through is entirely on $ that's not their own -- someone else provides the downpayment & $ from first time homebuyers program.

By the way, the secrecy of their current housing situation points to them scamming someone or some program in another way. I don't believe these people no how, no way.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Second no more not bringing people there if you want to! It is your home not theirs and they do what you want not the other way around. I also wouldn't go for the I can't do laundry in my own home -that I"m paying for- when I want to. And the secret keeping, well I can understand for the first month if they were embarrassed but after that get over it you aren't that embarrassed your still here! Not going to put an ad in the paper but I"m also not going to lie.

These people are users and they can only use you if you let them. And like in the beach house thread, they also aren't friends! because friends wouldn't do this to a friend.


I also an extremely leery of the "building a new home" line. HOW? they supposedly are so poor they had to move into a friends basement but they were able to get a mortgage/loan to build a new house? So which is it you have money but would rather take advantage and use a friend? or you are lieing about building a home? I don't see how it can be different.

If they have enough money to build a home they are pulling the wool over your heads. Set a date for rent and stick to it, and I wouldn't make it to cheap either!

I began trimming your post and then discovered I wanted to respond more points--so sorry that some of your post is gone.

The "secret" ended last fall. I do not know why I allowed it. And then one day, in my presence she opened up to the one person who does NOT keep secrets--and then I felt like the heavens opened up and the choirs sang. No secret after that. I should not have allowed it. But--that is history. But it does illustrate who they are as people a little. By their own admission, they struggle with pride and patience and it was a blow to their ego for him to not have a job. I get that. The expectation of secrecy didn't come until after they were in the house. I discovered that it was secret in a separate situation with her daughter. People knew her family had moved--and how she responded to another friend is when I realized that they were telling no one where. Not that there is anything wrong with this. But when you in the same large circle of people and that is where all your kids friends were---I connected the dots quickly on what that meant. And then got the scoop and was like .


We do have a date for rent---the home building is on the up and up. I explained in a post just a minute ago about our similar circumstance (except we didn't live for free for 8 months) after a job loss 4 years ago, including shopping for new construction and why we did not purchase it.

My greatest problem is that she (primarily) seems to be offended. I know, I should not care. But I do not like it when people make me feel bad for something that I have no reason to feel bad over. It is my own personality hang up, I recognize this. It doesn't make me feel happy, that is for sure.

I get that I am a bold personality and that I like to argue (not for the sake of winning..I kind of just like to debate and toss ideas and what not and yes, I can get argumentative). But I am a nice person--we like to help people when we can. I do not like it when an impression is given that I am suddenly not such a nice person--when I didn't do anything wrong. I would give you the clothes off of my back. I will help you. But when there comes a time that you can help yourself, don't turn to me and be upset that I expect you to do that.

 

[wiigirl]

This.

Your 'friend' and her family have over stayed their welcome.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

A scammer, conman.

Everything has happened "to them". Now somebody's loaning them the downpayment? I hope they love them & have gone in knowing they are about to be permanently parted from their money.

All the housing opportunities that have fallen through & they expect people to believe the one that's happening is construction of a new home. The only way that comes through is entirely on $ that's not their own -- someone else provides the downpayment & $ from first time homebuyers program.

By the way, the secrecy of their current housing situation points to them scamming someone or some program in another way. I don't believe these people no how, no way.

I'm trying hard to not judge anything involving the financing. It isn't any of my business.

We have no idea what they have done with their money since they gained employment, nor do we really care.

Clearly there circumstances are 100% better than they were last summer and they are no longer in need of free rent. That is my position.

The shock for me is how this was not a welcome thing on their part. That stings.

And yes, my picture is next to the word gullible in the dictionary. I hope that nothing about their situation actually makes that part true.

 

[jdb in AZ]

The first "red flag" I noticed was that your "renter" who is now a squatter, set the terms on when you were allowed to use your own laundry room. It's your house; you set the terms, not the squatters. End of April is more than generous. However. For an apartment they will be required to pay first/last month's rent and utility deposits so it will probably end up being much cheaper to pay you the rent you requested. So, expect them to make a counter-offer.

Just curious -- what do you plan to do with your basement after they move out? When our son moved out I immediately turned his bedroom into my sewing room to make sure he wouldn't move back. Tho he "offered" a few years later and tried to make it sound like he was doing us a favor. um, no.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Playing devils advocate I can imagine the woman is a homemaker and has been going bonkers during all of this (control issues). I would hope if you really were friends that she would eventually come out of this and realize you were there for her, but it is very hard to see past your own despair at times like this. Bottom line in any relationship though is take care of yourself first.

Yes she is. She is OCD and she admits this. She struggles immensely with control. And we are NOT the neatest people. We just remodeled the main floor and I have been doing a lot better (floors are so much easier to clean now, yay!!!) We have improved since they have been here--but we aren't OCD and will never be "perfect" in that regard.

And yes, I hope so. But right now--I'm thinking about me and I am concerned about the possibility of how she presents this to the world.

My kind husband reminded me that I do have an out. IF I feel that rumors are spreading--the self admitted town gossip is one of my good friends and all it takes is just one conversation with her for folks to get the other side of the story.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Can I move in when they move out?

All new contracts will have new terms and features with an escalating rent schedule.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

The first "red flag" I noticed was that your "renter" who is now a squatter, set the terms on when you were allowed to use your own laundry room. It's your house; you set the terms, not the squatters. End of April is more than generous. However. For an apartment they will be required to pay first/last month's rent and utility deposits so it will probably end up being much cheaper to pay you the rent you requested. So, expect them to make a counter-offer.

Just curious -- what do you plan to do with your basement after they move out? When our son moved out I immediately turned his bedroom into my sewing room to make sure he wouldn't move back. Tho he "offered" a few years later and tried to make it sound like he was doing us a favor. um, no.

The adjective I was thinking of was .... moocher. And I hate to think that about them, but that is what their request felt like to me.

The basement was a school space (I should be homeschooling this morning ), play space, man cave, and a guest bedroom.

The expecation was that we would begin using the staging space for massive decluttering and downsizing of stuff we plan to do in anticipation of a relocation. It truly was just spare space otherwise--but a place to stretch out and enjoy a movie.

As my husband put it--his man cave is now is teeny tiny tv in our master bedroom. We have a computer monitor that is larger.

 

[Hannathy]

If it helps you stand your ground and not buckle or give in to them making you feel bad, think of your daughter.

Do you want her to learn to stand up for herself? to not be taken advantage of by other people? by a boy in the future? To not be a doormat?

She is watching all of this, she is hearing all of this and absorbing it. She is at a very important development stage for adulthood. Remember the saying children learn what they live?

It also has to be hard on her having another family in her house, loosing her privacy, her time alone with her family, her sanctuary after the tension of teens at school. Was she asked how it makes her feel still having these people in her home? (and yes I know it's your house not hers, but I think we should respect or kids feelings)

 

[muushupork]

Yes she is. She is OCD and she admits this. She struggles immensely with control. And we are NOT the neatest people. We just remodeled the main floor and I have been doing a lot better (floors are so much easier to clean now, yay!!!) We have improved since they have been here--but we aren't OCD and will never be "perfect" in that regard.

And yes, I hope so. But right now--I'm thinking about me and I am concerned about the possibility of how she presents this to the world.

My kind husband reminded me that I do have an out. IF I feel that rumors are spreading--the self admitted town gossip is one of my good friends and all it takes is just one conversation with her for folks to get the other side of the story.

Nothing I said was a comment on your standing as a good clean person, you have obviously done a great deed and are a good friend to this person. I am merely pointing out that most of what you think is about you, is most likely all about her. Also, who cares about gossip?

 

[MichelleVW]

The first "red flag" I noticed was that your "renter" who is now a squatter, set the terms on when you were allowed to use your own laundry room. It's your house; you set the terms, not the squatters. End of April is more than generous. However. For an apartment they will be required to pay first/last month's rent and utility deposits so it will probably end up being much cheaper to pay you the rent you requested. So, expect them to make a counter-offer.

Just curious -- what do you plan to do with your basement after they move out? When our son moved out I immediately turned his bedroom into my sewing room to make sure he wouldn't move back. Tho he "offered" a few years later and tried to make it sound like he was doing us a favor. um, no.

Right??!! No one is telling me when I can do laundry in my own house!! I couldn't get past that!

 

[marthachick]

I didn't read all of the replies. Homes are rarely completed on time. You have been more than generous. Your whole way of life shouldn't have to change to accommodate someone you are helping. Give them 30 days (I would say 2 weeks) to be out with all of their stuff. No keeping part of their stuff in the basement til their home is built. There are storage units available for rent for this. They have taken advantage of you and your friendship. It's time to stop it. As Ann Landers said 'No one can take advantage of you without your permission.' Enough is enough.

 

[HannaBelle]

A scammer, conman.

Everything has happened "to them". Now somebody's loaning them the downpayment? I hope they love them & have gone in knowing they are about to be permanently parted from their money.

All the housing opportunities that have fallen through & they expect people to believe the one that's happening is construction of a new home. The only way that comes through is entirely on $ that's not their own -- someone else provides the downpayment & $ from first time homebuyers program.

By the way, the secrecy of their current housing situation points to them scamming someone or some program in another way. I don't believe these people no how, no way.

Slightly OT, but y'all need to watch "The Grifters": http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Grifters_(film)

I LOVE Angelica Huston is she is wonderfully evil in this movie!

 

[cabanafrau]

The adjective I was thinking of was .... moocher. And I hate to think that about them, but that is what their request felt like to me.

The basement was a school space (I should be homeschooling this morning ), play space, man cave, and a guest bedroom.

The expecation was that we would begin using the staging space for massive decluttering and downsizing of stuff we plan to do in anticipation of a relocation. It truly was just spare space otherwise--but a place to stretch out and enjoy a movie.

As my husband put it--his man cave is now is teeny tiny tv in our master bedroom. We have a computer monitor that is larger.

Just a point for consideration, your friend had no qualms moving into your home, making you feel like an inadequate houskeeper, set limitations on visitors to your home & was nervy enough to expect you to accommodate her laundry room territorial demands and now has nerve enough to balk at payment of any compensation when their finances make a Biblically miraculous rebound?

How are they going to qualify for a mortgage these days w/ such a short time at new job, months of no housing expenses to show & downpayment funds coming from outside sources? If that's true on any level we are headed right back into another housing and financial crisis in a red hot minute.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Nothing I said was a comment on your standing as a good clean person, you have obviously done a great deed and are a good friend to this person. I am merely pointing out that most of what you think is about you, is most likely all about her. Also, who cares about gossip?

No worries--I didn't think you were suggesting bad about me.

I was affirming your idea that she was an OCD homemaker and she is. But part of that also made the adjustment difficult.

As far as gossip--I shouldn't care, but it bugs me. I am big on not being perceived falsely. I find it a question of my integrity if someone gossips about me where others perceive me as negative when I didn't do anything wrong. Admitted hang up of mine, I know.



And to Hannathy--you are right. It was a demonstration of charity--it should not be a demonstration of us being a doormat.

We gave them a decision deadline either way (where rent must be agreed upon) and that rent begins April 1. I will have to talk to my husband about an end date. The assumption is that a job opportunity will come through and they will be asked to move then...but a firm date with that clause would be better.
'
Thanks! You guys have helped me feel better. I knew you would. If we were being terrible, you would have no problem telling us.

Sadly, it is unlikely we will extend any charity to other good meaning folks in the future. We will have to mark that box as a been there done that.


Now to stop neglecting my kids.

 

[cabanafrau]

Slightly OT, but y'all need to watch "The Grifters": http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Grifters_(film)

I LOVE Angelica Huston is she is wonderfully evil in this movie!

Great movie you never hear much about anymore.

 

[muushupork]

No worries--I didn't think you were suggesting bad about me.

I was affirming your idea that she was an OCD homemaker and she is. But part of that also made the adjustment difficult.

As far as gossip--I shouldn't care, but it bugs me. I am big on not being perceived falsely. I find it a question of my integrity if someone gossips about me where others perceive me as negative when I didn't do anything wrong. Admitted hang up of mine, I know.



And to Hannathy--you are right. It was a demonstration of charity--it should not be a demonstration of us being a doormat.

We gave them a decision deadline either way (where rent must be agreed upon) and that rent begins April 1. I will have to talk to my husband about an end date. The assumption is that a job opportunity will come through and they will be asked to move then...but a firm date with that clause would be better.
'
Thanks! You guys have helped me feel better. I knew you would. If we were being terrible, you would have no problem telling us.

Sadly, it is unlikely we will extend any charity to other good meaning folks in the future. We will have to mark that box as a been there done that.


Now to stop neglecting my kids.

FYI I wouldn't do what you did if I owned a McMansion with six basement's

 

[marthachick]

And whatever you do, don't let anyone else move in!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Just a point for consideration, your friend had no qualms moving into your home, making you feel like an inadequate houskeeper, set limitations on visitors to your home & was nervy enough to expect you to accommodate her laundry room territorial demands and now has nerve enough to balk at payment of any compensation when their finances make a Biblically miraculous rebound?

I know--it just sounds so....awful when you spell it all out like that.

How are they going to qualify for a mortgage these days w/ such a short time at new job, months of no housing expenses to show & downpayment funds coming from outside sources? If that's true on any level we are headed right back into another housing and financial crisis in a red hot minute.

They are using an underwriter. In our experience--lenders will look at career length if there was a job loss in there. Plus, he has been on his job for 6 months (almost). So qualifying for a loan amount should not be an issue. Beyond that, I known nothing about their personal situation. We had a 2 month gap and it was not an issue for us. The only issue that cropped up is that we were right on the edge of approval, not approval. Everything was disclosed and the day before closing they had realized they ignored that we had to pay to an HOA. It pushed us over--and that meant no loan. We were able to get that squared away (my husband was getting a raise in the future, so the lender allowed the company to put that in writing and then the loan would clear).

Financial circumstances are better for us now.

We were able to do it without borrowing money from family or seeking free shelter.

I do not judge them for having to do that.

But I feel confident now with all of y'alls comments, that there is absolutely no reason they should not be paying rent while waiting for their home to be built. Be it be to us or to someone else. I can be confident in saying that I no longer care which they choose.