A Co-worker Said Something That Really Upset Me...

[Goofyluver]

Okay, I have been dealing with my son's disability for 10 years...why do I still let things get to me?

Yesterday, I was at work and was talking to a co-worker about her adult daughter...who has been through a lot. I don't particularly care for this co-worker, but I would never ever be rude to anyone. I was trying to relate to her and her daughter's situation. So, I shared something with her about my life. You know...give and take.

It doesn't even really matter what I shared with her. I never share personal things with people that I don't really know...or don't like for that matter. But, she then turns around to me and refers to my son as "retarded" and makes another comment equally as awful.

The kicker? My son is not MR and I have never told her he was. Both comments she made hurt me deeply...and I went home and cried.

I just don't understand why it affected me so much. I can't stop thinking about it. I went home and just cried and cried. I have been dealing with my DSs disability for a long time. But, occasionally, things come up and I greave again. I don't even know why I let it affect me so much.

Does anyone else just have times where all the difficulty and pain get to you all over again? What do you do?

 

[mumloveseeyore]

just a quick there are always going to be ignorant uncaring people about, you are better than that. You never know that she may be feling overwhelmed too and just attacked the first available target, not that its justified. You know that you are doing a great job. Gill

 

[karynnix]

The word "retarded" cuts me right through to my soul. I tense up everytime I hear that word and I make a point to let the person know that it is a horrible word.

My DS8 has Asperger's and he has been so strong in dealing with it. He doesn't understand a lot, but he is learning. He has days where his AS is more noticable than others, and those days are hard for me to deal with. I have to keep making myself look at the things that he CAN do and what makes him so special.

 

[Tissa]

Some people don't realize that retarded is not the proper word to use anymore. Not to excuse how she used it or how she made you feel. I'm truly sorry for that. Both my sons are MR and I hate the use of that word too.
Every year at their ARD's I get to see the classification of Mentally Retarded and it still hurts.

Hang in there and don't let the clueless get you down.

 

[JESW]

I am so sorry that you had to go through that! I hope that you tell her how much she hurt you. I am another one who gets bothered by the word retarded - I cringe when people casually say it like - "that's so retarded!" I don't know if it's my age (I am in my 40's), but that word is on my list with the "N" word that really bothers me when I hear it.

I am the Mom of a ds12 with asperger's so I am also very sensitive to the labels people put on our kids.

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you!

Jill

 

[KPeveler]

i have been known to "anonymously" report my boss when she used the term "that's so retarded" at work. i do not have children or sibling who have developmental problems, but my friend's husband is an adult Aspie living in the real world with marriage and now a newborn son. i know how hard things are for him, and it is awful when people liken something annoying to a life-long disability... also my baby cousin died from complcations of DS...

and to the OP, i know how hard it is, and a great big hug to you. people assume any disabiltiy is a mental/emotional/learning one and just dont understand. just content yourself with knowing you're smarter than them. and a better person too!

 

[Goofyluver]

Thanks for all of your kind words. I'm not sure why I let things get to me! My DS has a neurologic abnormality (ACC)...and sorry, but I don't believe you can really get an IQ on these kiddos and label them as "MR" or whatever. That word...the "r" word...is horrible to me. Call me anything...but don't ever call my DS that. I also hate the word "normal". What the heck is normal???

People just don't watch what they say. And, I know that she didn't mean anything maliciously...but it still stung.

 

[Forevryoung]

As I say "normal is ONLY a setting on your washing machine"

 

[Goofyluver]

As I say "normal is ONLY a setting on your washing machine"

I'm totally using this one!

 

[I Love Pluto]

Words can hurt a lot. Try not to let someone else's ignorance ruin your day.

 

[Laren]

Just wanted to give you a hug and tell you how sorry I am for your co-workers careless and unkind remarks.

People who live with disabilities of any kind (myself included) have up days and down days. You sound like a kind and caring person. . .I hope you have more up ones than down ones.

The people who don't live with these kinds of troubles are really clueless how hard life can be from day to day. . .and they show their ignorance when they speak. I wish you a better, brighter day tomorrow. Words really can hurt, but please just try to at least consider the source! Someone who knows nothing about all the things you've survived. So they do hurt, but they have no meaning. I hope I'm putting this the way that I want to- struggling sometimes to get my meaning across is one of MY disabilities post-stroke!

big hugs!
Laren

 

[OneLittleSpark]

Some people are just so wrapped up in their own little world that they don't realise how much they hurt people. It's cruel and unfair, but they really don't mean to cause such hurt and upset. Not trying to justify her actions, just trying to say that it's her problem, not yours. Keep your chin up and try to focus on the good things (I do understand how hard that can be sometimes) .

 

[SandrainNC]

I'm so sorry!!!! I have said something to people at work for saying that word before. One was an attorney (I am a legal secretary) and I said something to her twice. She would get mad and I would hear her in her office. She doesn't sit near me anymore though. I just e-mailed HR and told them that it was offensive and yes I said something to her in case she told on me.

I also have relatives (sister and her children) that think nothing of it and that I am just too sensitive and since they do not think of their nephew/cousin that way, then it is ok to say it. Since to them he is not MR. Whatever!

Anyway, I would have definitely said something to her about her choice of words, but that is just me. If I don't say something I feel like I am saying it is ok. And its not.

Sandra

 

[missypie]

The "R" word used to be a correct term...better than Mongoloid or Cretin. There is still a Texas state agency called the Department of Mental Health and Mental Retardation (though most people just call it MHMR). The term has become hurtful due to its use as a slur. Try not to let it bother you if someone is using it without meaning it as a slur. I especially give people a "bye" if they are older. Just think of how the acceptable terminology for so many things has changed since they were kids.

 

[Goofyluver]

Thanks again for everyone's kind words. The word...the "r" word...cuts me to the core. I hate it. It stings very harshly. But, it wasn't the word she used alone. It was what she said...

She told me that it was...these are her words..."Probably not my fault that my son was retarded." In fact, I should blame it on my ex...who was military. Because...now here it comes..."Many military members got the anthrax vaccine. After getting the vaccine, lots of babies were born retarded, without limbs, and abnormal. So, it's probably his fault that your son was born retarded." Yea...thanks for sayin' that. Made me feel all better inside.

 

[diseyore]

I can relate, when someone says something degrading about our children it brings everything home again and the pain cut really deep. Easy to say consider the source, but that doesn't help, just know that there are people out here who care, and want everything that is blessed in your life for you.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I had kind of a similar situation last week. My 11 year old son has Asperger's. During my 8 year old's baseball games, he enjoys walking around the area where the fields are and pretending he's a train or making up little scenarios about race cars or whatever's on his mind. He sometimes sits with us and watches the game but that gets boring for him.

So, last week, a mom from the team approached me (she has 2 boys on the team). She wanted to know how to explain my son's condition to her sons. She said she told them that God makes everyone different, etc. but she didn't know if she should call it a learning disability or something else. I know her intention was really good and I always appreciate when people ask me directly about my son instead of assuming something or trying to figure it out on their own. I really don't mind talking about it and I think it helps the kids in the long run who are curious about him.

But, instead of just saying her boys were curious, she said, "My boys said they're really glad they don't have him as a brother and I wanted to explain what was wrong with him." I have no doubt her kids said that. In fact, I really don't fault them because they're kids! But did she have to say it to me? It was really hurtful. I tried to calmly explain that it's a developmental disability. How she could explain to her kids that his brain developed differently from others, etc. I told her I was glad she asked. But, I still felt kind of hurt. Not so much for me, but for my son who will have to deal with this stuff all of his life.

To the OP - I can really empathize with you! I guess we have to be strong and hang in there. We know how wonderful our kids are and we'll have to be strong for them!

 

[OneLittleSpark]

Thanks again for everyone's kind words. The word...the "r" word...cuts me to the core. I hate it. It stings very harshly. But, it wasn't the word she used alone. It was what she said...

She told me that it was...these are her words..."Probably not my fault that my son was retarded." In fact, I should blame it on my ex...who was military. Because...now here it comes..."Many military members got the anthrax vaccine. After getting the vaccine, lots of babies were born retarded, without limbs, and abnormal. So, it's probably his fault that your son was born retarded." Yea...thanks for sayin' that. Made me feel all better inside.

I can't believe she actually said that! Some people just don't have a clue. I can't find any words to make it better, but I am sending along oodles of hugs and happy thoughts if that's any help.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Thanks again for everyone's kind words. The word...the "r" word...cuts me to the core. I hate it. It stings very harshly. But, it wasn't the word she used alone. It was what she said...

She told me that it was...these are her words..."Probably not my fault that my son was retarded." In fact, I should blame it on my ex...who was military. Because...now here it comes..."Many military members got the anthrax vaccine. After getting the vaccine, lots of babies were born retarded, without limbs, and abnormal. So, it's probably his fault that your son was born retarded." Yea...thanks for sayin' that. Made me feel all better inside.

Oh dear lord. I would have cocked my head to one side, mouth open, and said, "Do you honestly hear the words you are saying to me?? You may need to get your brain filter checked out," or something.

 

[marybrat]

To the OP-- I can relate to the ignnorant comment you received. My own mother actually stated that she's afaid I caused my children's Tourette Syndrome by shaking them too hard. Just for the record, I have not shaken either of my children. In addition, I myself have Tourette Syndrome (but didn't know it until my DD was diagnosed). So, if my mother's theory holds true... hmmm... how did I develop it??

Anyway, her comments really bothered me for a long time. It's been about 2 years since her comment, so I'm ok with it now. She never apologized for it though... that's the part that I will probably never get past.