A Co-worker Said Something That Really Upset Me...

[mommyandmore]

Earlier this week something similiar happened to me and I still can't get over it. I was dropping my son (who has CP and other delays- very obvious) off at preschool and another mother was there dropping her daughter off. The daughter was crying because her mother had not packed her favorite water bottle. The mother was obviously annoyed and rushed so she says to the girl in this loud voice "stop crying about it. You know that water bottle was retarded. Just completely useless and retarded. We don't keep retarded things around, we throw them away." I was looking at the teacher at this point with my mouth wide open- she stepped in and steered the little girl away and the mom left but I ended up crying in my car for so long. I know hat she wasn't really talking about my son and his disabilities but for her to say something like that and around her little daughter- it just really brought home to me how some people still think and how powerful certain words are.

 

[Val]

I am currently refusing to attend our parish church, and we are pulling our youngest 2 kids out of the parochial school. First, they refuse to deal with bullying, and second, they don't want our youngest DD to wear her hearing aids. The pastor told me (as we were standing on the wheelchair access ramp!) that he doesn't want DD9 to wear her hearing aids in school because it makes the school look "too special-educationy" and the parochial school just isn't "that kind of school"....

....I called him a bad word in public (in front of several other parents), reminded him of the Federal Disabilities Act, and then gave him a Guide to Disabilities Ettiquette book for Christmas. He has never apologized- just said he did't mean to upset me since I obviously was having grave difficulties dealing with my handicapped child. Do much for tolerance!!!!!!

 

[OneLittleSpark]

I am currently refusing to attend our parish church, and we are pulling our youngest 2 kids out of the parochial school. First, they refuse to deal with bullying, and second, they don't want our youngest DD to wear her hearing aids. The pastor told me (as we were standing on the wheelchair access ramp!) that he doesn't want DD9 to wear her hearing aids in school because it makes the school look "too special-educationy" and the parochial school just isn't "that kind of school"....

....I called him a bad word in public (in front of several other parents), reminded him of the Federal Disabilities Act, and then gave him a Guide to Disabilities Ettiquette book for Christmas. He has never apologized- just said he did't mean to upset me since I obviously was having grave difficulties dealing with my handicapped child. Do much for tolerance!!!!!!

And that from a pastor too?! Does he stop kids from wearing their glasses to school as well? Because it's exactly the same issue, just a different disability. Have you considered reporting him for this, to avoid other people having to go through what you did? I can completely understand your decision to move school and church, I hope you find somewhere a little more understanding .

 

[Val]

Oh, don't worry! I have quite a letter prepared for the Bishop- along with a report that some psych consultants did about the systemic bullying problem (that was never sent to parents, but I called the university to get it). My DS has been bullied to the point that we have him seeing a counselor- night mares, school refusal, etc. One child in his class was expelled after the kid had it with the bullying and attacked another child ("unfortunately" not the bully) with scissors- resulting in stitches to the neck. Only about 2/3 of the kids in DS's class are returning next year.

We also can't get any IEP compliance- DD is on an IEP through the public school, with the parochial school agreeing to follow it. Simply things like preferential seating and using the FM system, e.g., sit DD in front, facing the board. Would be great, but the teacher teaches from the back of the room, so she is talking BEHIND DDs head, which means DD can't lip read. I can't get them to understand WHY this might be a problem. Only the primary classroom teacher will use the FM system- not the art, music, social studies, computer or Spanish teachers. They failed her in Spanish the first semester because she wasn't able to repeat back answers in Spanish when the Spanish teacher asked her a question in Spanish.....Gee, this is a kid who can't hear English well enough to get dictation, and they think she should hear another language? Had to remind them that in her IEP it required Spanish be a pass/fail grade! It just goes on and on.....talking to the principal or priests does no good.... when I follow up they just shrug their shoulders and suggest we "pray on it". It just seems that there is no "coping a clue" about what hearing loss means. She's not deaf, just HOH, and they just don't get it!

Too bad, it was a good school-my oldest 2 DDs (now in HS and college) went through this school and we have many, many years in the parish. Overall school enrollment is down significantly, too, with many long term families leaving. I usually average around 200 hours of volunteer service each year, so I have been an active and involved parent......but, I should finish the tile table for the auction tomorrow- and I am finished for ever! Breaks my heart to leave, but enough is enough.

 

[patsal]

Oh, don't worry! I have quite a letter prepared for the Bishop- along with a report that some psych consultants did about the systemic bullying problem (that was never sent to parents, but I called the university to get it). My DS has been bullied to the point that we have him seeing a counselor- night mares, school refusal, etc. One child in his class was expelled after the kid had it with the bullying and attacked another child ("unfortunately" not the bully) with scissors- resulting in stitches to the neck. Only about 2/3 of the kids in DS's class are returning next year.

We also can't get any IEP compliance- DD is on an IEP through the public school, with the parochial school agreeing to follow it. Simply things like preferential seating and using the FM system, e.g., sit DD in front, facing the board. Would be great, but the teacher teaches from the back of the room, so she is talking BEHIND DDs head, which means DD can't lip read. I can't get them to understand WHY this might be a problem. Only the primary classroom teacher will use the FM system- not the art, music, social studies, computer or Spanish teachers. They failed her in Spanish the first semester because she wasn't able to repeat back answers in Spanish when the Spanish teacher asked her a question in Spanish.....Gee, this is a kid who can't hear English well enough to get dictation, and they think she should hear another language? Had to remind them that in her IEP it required Spanish be a pass/fail grade! It just goes on and on.....talking to the principal or priests does no good.... when I follow up they just shrug their shoulders and suggest we "pray on it". It just seems that there is no "coping a clue" about what hearing loss means. She's not deaf, just HOH, and they just don't get it!

Too bad, it was a good school-my oldest 2 DDs (now in HS and college) went through this school and we have many, many years in the parish. Overall school enrollment is down significantly, too, with many long term families leaving. I usually average around 200 hours of volunteer service each year, so I have been an active and involved parent......but, I should finish the tile table for the auction tomorrow- and I am finished for ever! Breaks my heart to leave, but enough is enough.

And they wonder why so many parochial schools are closing due to poor enrollment...while I know they do not have to comply since they are "private" and you agree to give up the IEP/504 accomadations when you choose to enroll--that is how our parish school here words it, it is a shame. Of course with what they pay and with the number of uncertified teachers (at least where we are) compliance would mean actually having to learn something so that they can accomadate. Off my soapbox--btw they need to get a clue preferential seating isn't being seated in the front, it is being seated where the learning is coming from.

 

[Goofyluver]

Val...I'm sorry for your difficulties. I have enough difficulty getting the public schools to abide by my DSs IEP. I can't imagine how difficult the situation you are in must be. Unfortunately, it takes parents like you, who stand up and are advocates for their children, to get things changed after way too long waits. I hope that you find a program that will be honored to care for your daughter through her educational career.

 

[LauraAnn630]

I can only imagine how much that hurt you. Because it made my heart hurt!

I was so surprised how ignorant people are when we took my niece this last Christmas to Epcot.

People were staring like crazy. My sister was running around explaining autism to everyone.

I said, "You dont have to explain to these people!"

She said, "If I dont they wont stop staring."

Give me her name Ill kick her @%* for ya! LOL (Jk of course)

 

[Goofyluver]

I can only imagine how much that hurt you. Because it made my heart hurt!

I was so surprised how ignorant people are when we took my niece this last Christmas to Epcot.

People were staring like crazy. My sister was running around explaining autism to everyone.

I said, "You dont have to explain to these people!"

She said, "If I dont they wont stop staring."

Give me her name Ill kick her @%* for ya! LOL (Jk of course)

Thanks hon!!!

And, as for people staring...eeeeesh! People don't realize how blessed they are to have children with no special needs. Judge away people! But, if it were them, would they want people staring?

 

[Disneyracingfan]

I share your pain in dealing with ignorant people.... Chins up, heads held high. My DS has a little known chromosome disorder that causes across the board delays. I hate the looks and the coments, my problem is I have a big mouth and a vocabulary that could make a trucker blush. Be it for my family or for a stranger, I usually let loose and then go back to whatever I was doing.

 

[Val]

I find places like the DISabilities board, and parents of HOH boards really, really help. Where else can I post that the dog ate DD9's hearing aid, and instead of getting bad parent looks, I get commiserating and affirmation of my bad day!

The internet is a God-send, in so many ways. In spite of insensitive people at church, in the schools, or at WDW, we can find people who know what we as parents, or individuals with different abilities are going through- we offer one another support, suggestions, information and we can laugh and cry together!

Remember the story about "going to Holland" when you meant to go to Italy (I think it was Italy). I am finding that I really like Holland, and maybe the journey 'ain't so bad.....I would NEVER want to choose my DD to have anything that slows her down or sets her up for a harder path though life- but maybe we are okay, after all. It ain't Italy, but Holland has the most beautiful flowers- and some pretty darn good artists of their own.

My only wish is that my parish, and perhaps other churches, would recognize how many parents and members are dealing with issues- and provide a support group for all of us! There are support groups for those who are single, divorces, etc., but I rarely see any for individuals or parents of individuals with disabilities. It's too bad that we have to rely on long distance support when our faith caregivers could offer it right in our own backyard!

Thank you all, and God Bless you for listening and caring and responding! Perhaps, in a silly way, this is what Walt wanted to create after all- a world where people could interact, learn from, and support one another. In a way, maybe the internet, and the DIS are an expression of his vision of Epcot!

 

[WildGrits]

Val your not the only one.

I put my girls in a parochial school in hopes it would be as strict as the southern school they where use to. They where unbelievable. They even went as far as to refund half a year tution to me just to get rid of us. My DD with high functioning Autism only has two needs on her IEP. Sensory Diet--which I came to school daily to do with her and to be tested in a room alone so not to be distracted. They couldn't comply with that. During one of my many meetings with Sister Principle she told me that I should get my DD medicated and if I did that she would thank me herself. I asked her what was this miracle pill for Autism. Needless to say that year was 10 months of pulling my hair out.

 

[WildGrits]

She told me that it was...these are her words..."Probably not my fault that my son was retarded." In fact, I should blame it on my ex...who was military. Because...now here it comes..."Many military members got the anthrax vaccine. After getting the vaccine, lots of babies were born retarded, without limbs, and abnormal. So, it's probably his fault that your son was born retarded." Yea...thanks for sayin' that. Made me feel all better inside.

I'm sorry this fools comments hurt you. And sadly it sounds like she was trying to be kind in her own way.

I know my fellow GRITS (Girls Raised in the South) will agree with me. The perfect reply to comments like this is, "Well bless your heart".

 

[dclfun]

With the recent incident over the Rutgers basketball team and the firing of Don Imus there seems to be so much media attention over hurtful racial slurs, etc. To me, the word "retarded" is just as offensive and hopefully people will get to talking about how to be kinder to each other. It's not just being politically correct-it's about valuing each other and our differences and not doing anything that would knowingly hurt another person. ---Kathy

 

[wvdislover]

Goofyluver: I'm so sorry your co-worker made such a rude comment! Sending lots of hugs your way People can be so hurtful without realizing what they're doing (ok, so maybe they sometimes DO realize what they're doing). Know that you always have friends to turn to

Val: I hate to hear about your difficulties with your parochial school. We would love to be able to send our daughter to a good Christian school, but unfortunately, the one closest to our house doesn't even accept special needs kids, b/c they don't have the resources to help them. You'd think a Christian school would be more than willing to do anything to help someone. Hope things go well for you in public school!