A family conundrum. What would you do? Perhaps a vent.

[Skippy918]

Yikes, lots of red flags. Does she not understand how to budget? She gifted him a trip but couldn’t afford said trip? Who books airfare but not a place to stay when going on vacation? That should have been planned ahead of time. I hope he breaks up with her cause I could see her mooching off him going forward.

 

[ShirikiUtundu]

My son is 25.

(and it wasn’t any of my business).

See summary above

 

[hopemax]

Yikes, lots of red flags. Does she not understand how to budget? She gifted him a trip but couldn’t afford said trip? Who books airfare but not a place to stay when going on vacation? That should have been planned ahead of time. I hope he breaks up with her cause I could see her mooching off him going forward.

It's hard to imagine what goes through young people's heads at times. My college roommate sophomore year, thought that overdraft protection meant she could spend money she didn't have in her bank account and the bank wouldn't ask for it back. When the bank started hounding her and she explained her situation to another friend and me, all we could do was quietly say, we didn't think overdraft worked that way and try not to laugh. She was very naïve about a lot of things.

 

[notatallmagic]

As the mom of a 17 and 20 year old, I am headed right into these territories. Your son ASKED you, and confided in you, so that does change the dynamic a bit.

Yes to what everyone has said about red flags for sure; and yes, he should stay and enjoy the trip. I would also be hoping that this is relationship-ending material, as you don't "gift" someone a trip you can't/didn't pay for, and then not be clear on what that means. A "gift" trip to any sensible person means exactly that - and that deception to me would be very telling (as I hope it is for your son).

Many kiddos learn experientially, and financial stuff is super high stakes. I'm glad your son talks to you, but my life experience tells me that this type of behavior on the girl's part is likely to continue.

Oh, and 20 years ago, my mom confided in me (she was a widow and I work in finance) some serious financial concerns she had observed about my younger brother's then finance. She didn't say a word, and now 20+ years later, my mom was right, and my brother has had one he$# of a ride with her super irresponsible financial garbage. If my mom were here, I know she would wish she would have spoken up. Best wishes to you and your son.

 

[QueenIsabella]

My opinion, worth what you paid for it:

Remind him that it's never a good idea to co-mingle finances with anyone. She may just be naive, she may be manipulative. But, her financial issues are NOT his issues. He's still getting his own "sea legs", financially, he's not in a place to be bailing someone else out.

Remind him that HE is in charge of birth control. I don't care if she says she's on the pill or whatever--if he doesn't take control in this area, he may be shackled to her in some form for the rest of his life. I'm not suggesting that they couldn't have a future together (wouldn't bet on it, but don't tell HIM that!)--maybe she IS just naive and not money-savvy. But the last thing either of them need is an "oops" pregnancy.

He did ask for advice, but I'd keep it general as above--don't point out her flaws, specifically, no matter how tempting.

 

[Jangles]

See summary above

I understand this, but his opening line to me was something like, ‘just calling for some advice really because I am not sure what to do’.

 

[DL1WDW2]

Sorry but it sounds like you are making too many excuses for everybody’s behavior including your own .
We want to focus on her life.
How would it make you feel if you knew her parents said WOW She found somebody else finally and now we can cut her off .

Her parents and friends are Done but you need more advice tHan what you really want perhaps?
Why did you make it easy for him to take this trip ?
Sorry I sound harsh but I have made a lifetime of making similar mistakes . It will not end until somebody grows up.
I am probably speaking to myself.
Good luck I won’t comment anymore.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I am quite good at letting my children find their way, fall and get up (for a cuddle) but I am bemused by this one.

I can see that but on the other hand look at how quick you offered up CC points and money when you knew he needed to be careful with what was left of his salary.

Sure you can't do anything now about it but had you not given him the money my bet is eventually all the vacation details would have spilled out..because realistically they wouldn't have had money to go on the trip and crisis probably would have averted and more than likely he would have found that at this point in their lives they really are living in a precarious financial situation. Maybe that would have ended in a break up if their viewpoints on that matter were drastically different enough, maybe they would have stayed together.

But bottom line to me this is one where removing that safety net was the better course. Financially speaking if you need borrow money to go on vacation in your mid-20s when you're so financially strapped anyhow (50% of the income is used up on basic necessities on his part at least) you need to rethink going on vacation period or do small inexpensive ones not grand 9 day ones regardless of a significant other gifting.

I realize there's a slight culture difference here with it occurring in the UK, still though.

As for her behavior it can be so many things not necessarily she's the worst of the worst. It's also possible her parents cut her off financially in a sudden way and she's not used to that and then got hit with the realities of it. Honestly? There may even be some embarrassment on her side. IDK that she is necessarily being selfish but to be fair it would be kinda weird for a significant other to finish off a trip by themselves (in this case) unless it was a break up that occurred. Of course he's not selfish for wanting to finish off the trip either.

As an aside offering to bail her out via him but the g/f knowing the money coming from you is probably one of the biggest things, she's probably already embarrassed like I said, just about no one wants to owe anyone money. Instead of maintaining your "find their own way" stance you kinda continued to dredged knee deep in it by offering up this additional cash.

I know you had the best interests in mind though it's just more like a domino effect happened unfortunately.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It's hard to imagine what goes through young people's heads at times. My college roommate sophomore year, thought that overdraft protection meant she could spend money she didn't have in her bank account and the bank wouldn't ask for it back. When the bank started hounding her and she explained her situation to another friend and me, all we could do was quietly say, we didn't think overdraft worked that way and try not to laugh. She was very naïve about a lot of things.

I'll expand that to not just young adults. It's astonishing how many times people think something happens one way when clearly no it doesn't.

Signed a person who had to deal with tons of late fee and Notice of Cancellations and requests to reinstate issues at the insurance company because adults (all ages really) couldn't figure out how to pay a bill to save their lives.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I understand this, but his opening line to me was something like, ‘just calling for some advice really because I am not sure what to do’.

True but it was after all the other interventions (CC points, money, prodding about how the g/f was going to pay back the money she borrowed, etc) which I think was also part of the PP's point about saying summary above.

Your son trusts you to go to you for advice, what a lovely thing but there is still more going on than your son calling up for some parental advice.

 

[LuvOrlando]

So sorry this is going on.

It was so nice of you to try and help him out to have a nice trip when he plainly works so hard. Stinks that this will end up memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Regardless of how old my child was, if they were to tell me a story like this I would assume it was so it could be bounced off me to find out how I see it. This person sounds like an unstable and manipulative human & that would alarm me quite a bit especially since she also seems delusional. She has a high functioning diploma so she is intelligent but also decided it was a good idea to go on a whirlwind trip in the middle of a financial crisis burning all her bridges to the point her family cut her off and roommates are looking for her. Oh, and the perfect time to come clean with boyfriend is while away in Greece... what? Just yikes, sounds completely irrational.

I have kids the same age, I would be in frequent communication & make sure my kid knew that he should just leave and get a room at another hotel & I would get him out of there if she seems to be spiraling. Sounds to me like she is a heartbeat away from spinning out.

 

[TwoMisfits]

If I were you, OP, my main concern would be that your son is being set up to be fleeced by his (supposed) gf.

It reminds me a bit of a relationship I had in my early 20s. The guy started off being generous and ended up basically destroying me financially. It took me years to recover. I was young and naive and had never encountered someone like him. He was charming, attentive, loving, etc., but it was all a front. There are people who are really good at this kind of manipulation and your son's gf is exhibiting a lot of this sort of behavior.

If this were my son (I have no kids, so take that into consideration), I'd at least tell him to be very very careful and never help her out with money. Ever. She's showing him exactly who she is. The likelihood of this all being some very unusual set of circumstances is low. Even her parents have cut her off--and they know her better than your son does.

Ding, ding, ding...it's so obvious, I didn't want to point it out.

 

[Christine]

No real advice. I have a 28 y/o son and my constant worry for him in relationships is that I see a tendency for him to be taken advantage of by partners. He does ask my advice so I'm very clear with him what I am seeing and how I think he should be have in new-ish relationships. Your son's situation smacks of the woman taking advantage and him falling for it and then picking up the pieces.

Hard to sit back and watch but it's a lesson he needs to learn because people who are out there to take advantage, seem to find people like your son (and mine) easily.

 

[GAN]

RUN.... don't walk!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

what? Just yikes, sounds completely irrational.

That's one of the biggest reasons I would not have given the money and CC points in the first place.

This was a gift after all from the g/f and not something a parent should have intervened on with the details as given more like "oh that's so nice, have a great trip!"

And more than likely her actual situation would have come out before even making it on the trip, the OP's son wouldn't have had to money to complete the trip beyond the days the g/f could pay forand well sucks but that's how it ends up sometimes and maybe they would have done the few days at the AirBNB and called it a trip or they would have scrapped the trip entirely. Whether the son would have dumped the g/f over it IDK.

I suspect OP really just wanted their son to have a nice vacation after all the work he's been putting in so their heart was in the right place but steering clear of getting that involved would have been my red flag.

 

[Travel60]

There are 25 yo who have worked since they were 15, saved up for their first car, paid some or all toward local state university and, at 25, have a job, a spouse, maybe children, and bought a home and have money in the bank.

Then, there are 25yo who relied on daddy to pay for everything - clothes, cars, vacations, never worked, went to a party university, earned a low-paying degree and are shocked that daddy isn't going to continue paying.

When someone shows you who they are....believe them.

 

[HopperFan]

My son is 25. In November he started going out with a woman of a similar age and for his birthday in December she gifted him a 9 day holiday in Kos, (Greek Island) and some experiences …paragliding, wine tasting and a boat trip. To me it seemed too much too soon but I said nothing. Then it turned out that all she had actually purchased were two cheap budget airline flights, which cost her about £80 in total. Still generous but not exactly the gift as described to him. My son lives and works in London and about half his salary goes on rent, utilities, travel to work etc., and although I help him out occasionally (for example buying lunch or dinner when I visit London, or treating him to some clothes and slipping him the odd £50), he largely stands on his own two feet and has to be careful with what is left of his salary. His gf also rents in London and has just finished a Masters degree and relies on her parents and works in bars etc., to finance herself. When I discovered that the gf had not booked an hotel, I gave my son some credit card points I had which paid for their hotel for 7 days. I had enough for all 9 days but his gf wanted them to book an Airbnb for the other two nights when they got to Kos. I also gave him about Euros 200, left over from a trip I had recently taken to Europe. My son saved a bit every month for the trip, eventually putting £400 aside. Then last month he told me that his gf had borrowed £400 from him as she was behind on her rent and her parents wouldn’t help her out any more. When she was paid at the end of March, she paid him back. I asked him how she was going to be able to pay him back, pay her rent etc., and have spending money for the holiday, but he didn’t know (and it wasn’t any of my business). Anyway, they flew to Kos on Sunday night. Today (Wednesday) he telephoned for advice. His gf announced yesterday that she has no money at all to spend during the holiday, but was refusing to allow him to pay for meals out, trips etc and thought that they should fly home, even though that meant buying new return flights and wasting the prepaid hotel room. It turns out that she hasn’t booked any experiences, or has booked them but not paid for them. The hotel is nice, not grand, but nice enough, on the beach in Kos town, and the room has a sea view and balcony, with a table and chairs and a kitchenette and so far they have been catering for themselves, rather than eating out. My son has been buying groceries, but he wants to enjoy the holiday, visit some sites, go for drinks, eat at some local tavernas etc. I suggested that he should offer to finance the rest of the trip and that I would help him out. He said that he thinks he has enough money, so doesn’t need any money from me. The Airbnb they found for the last two nights is only Euros 60 and she is vegan and only eats raw foods, so hardly an expensive date. I also offered to lend him some money to lend to the gf but made it clear to my son that I would view it as his indebtedness to me not hers. When he made both offers to the gf she accused him of being selfish for wanting to continue with the holiday. What? She wants to fly home and organise a bank loan to pay her debts. She flat shares with a couple of other girls and apparently she has fallen behind with her rent , WiFi has been cut off and gas and electric are threatening to cut them off. I suggested to my son that if she wants to return to London he should stay and enjoy the rest of the holiday alone. He had a gap year backpacking in South America, and he is very sociable, so I am sure that he will still have fun. Does her behaviour strike you as odd? Isn’t she being the selfish one? He assures me that the relationship is in a good place. I do feel sorry for her because I am sure it is horrible worrying about debts, but why did she not tell my son of her situation before they left? Or am I missing something and looking at this the wrong way?

All I see is

Before you said it I was going to say let her fly home and him stay to enjoy his vacation.

More than odd behavior, very concerning behavior. She lied to him, she misled him, she is irresponsible and controlling. Seeing what her living situation is my guess is next she'll want to move in with him to avoid being homeless. I hope he stands firm on that, they simply don't know each other well enough and she has not proven she can be trusted.

Fingers crossed for a good outcome. As a Mom to a young adult big hearted son, it's a constant worry. He's dodged a few bad eggs, luckily. I say this as my DS is on vacation with his girlfriend.

 

[Jangles]

There is so much truth and wisdom in everything people have written. I am so grateful to you all for responding. By discussing it here, it has really made me see the different perspectives. I thought that I was being kind, but maybe, if I had not offered the credit card points she would have told my son that she couldn’t actually afford the holiday. She told my son that she loved him within weeks of meeting him and maybe the gift of the holiday was a way of somehow cementing the relationship. I am still not quite sure I understand why she now won’t allow my son to pay for everything during the trip, and although it isn’t my business, I am grateful for the opportunity to voice my concerns here. Kids huh, who says it gets easier.

 

[Jangles]

There are 25 yo who have worked since they were 15, saved up for their first car, paid some or all toward local state university and, at 25, have a job, a spouse, maybe children, and bought a home and have money in the bank.

Then, there are 25yo who relied on daddy to pay for everything - clothes, cars, vacations, never worked, went to a party university, earned a low-paying degree and are shocked that daddy isn't going to continue paying.

When someone shows you who they are....believe them.

Is it that black and white?

 

[TwoMisfits]

Is it that black and white?

Yes...she is bad news. Period. This all screams a "mark" type situation for a con artist. She refuses his money til he demands she let him pay b/c "she's just being stupid and why won't she let him help her". Just wait.

Or, in the most charitable, a self-entitled controller and user who's horrible with money. I still think the former.