"Children" of Childless

[SanFranciscan]

I noticed that there is a mile-long thread on married people choosing not to have children and one for people who are childless against their will. I have a question for anyone in either group willing to answer.

Do you live adults-only lives, or are you close with other people's children? How important to you are nieces and nephews or whatever?

 

[aclov]

Looks like I'll be the first to answer. I fall under the "childless not by choice" category. DH and I have been married for 7 years and have had two failed IVF's. I really like children although I will admit that I have grown to have a low tolerance since I don't have any - I'm just not used to them. Like right now, people brought in their kids for the day and they are running like crazy in the office
A bit OT - back to your question.....I have one nephew that I never see since my brother is divorced and his wife is a B....and my DH has one godson (his great nephew) and tons of nieces and nephews, a handful we are very close to. I was close to my friends first born and I would constantly buy him things but than she had two more and my other friends started having kids so I stopped. So for DH and myself, it is important to be close to the his nieces & nephews and when we babysit for them, we do take them out and give them advice and do want to be part of their lives.

 

[PatriciaH]

We like children and I even used to be a Montessori teacher. Not many of our friends have kids. One friend has a 14 year old and she is a nice kid. We go out to dinner, etc. with them sometimes. My best friend from college has a 17month old and she has been coming to see us since she was 3 months old, so she really likes us a lot. We enjoy when they come and love taking them to WDW. DH and I are very good with children and most people are shocked when we say we don't have any/don't want any.

 

[Taja]

I don't particularly like or dislike children--I just wasn't good with them when I was a child and haven't improved much as an adult! I just don't understand them!

 

[zima-cheryl]

I noticed that there is a mile-long thread on married people choosing not to have children and one for people who are childless against their will. I have a question for anyone in either group willing to answer.

Do you live adults-only lives, or are you close with other people's children? How important to you are nieces and nephews or whatever?

Wow - I think you are going to find each person has their own unique life story on this topic.

For DH & I specifically, he has a very low tolerance for kids, and I find the older I get the less tolerance I have for kids not "ours". However; I worship the ground my nieces & nephews walk on! I take very seriously my responsibilities as thier Aunt. And I just love them to pieces. And the children of our friends are also special to us & I would do anything for them.

But at the end of the day I like handing them back over to the parents and returning home. Probably 90% of our lives is adult only. Our home is not child proof, most activities we participate in are not great for kids (shows, concerts, etc) and we are very content w/this.

 

[SanFranciscan]

I don't particularly like or dislike children--I just wasn't good with them when I was a child and haven't improved much as an adult! I just don't understand them!

You may have more company than you realize. A perfectly nice woman, who spoke with no apparent malice toward children, once told me that she thought that most adults like pictures of children more than they like them in real life. I thought that that was a very interesting view.

 

[KirklandTutu]

It's not that I don't like children, it's just that I don't like their parents, what their parents do, and how the outcome of what the parents do makes their children act. haha.

I teach ballet to kids, I'm actually a director of a school and I have v. high ideals about what children can do, how they can act, and how we as adults can influence them. It's a great theory when you only interact with them in a classroom setting, and the results are extrodinary...however, when I go home I don't want them anywhere around. I love all my students (well...except that one) and I love being a positive influence in their lives and I think that they will be better human beings with an amazing influence on their world because they have had me as a teacher.

That said, hell no I don't want any of my own. I like my enclave of child freeness. I don't think I would enjoy having children, I'd be too into making them 'perfect'. I'd be one of THOSE parents. I'd rather just be happy with me and DH and enjoying life without worrying about cultivating our own child's life.

Besides, I've never had that NEED, I've never had that URGE. Still haven't, I'm in my mid 30s.

 

[bushdianee]

I am childless due to ovarian cancer at age 21. I have 12 nieces and nephews ranging in age from 3 months to 25 years old that I have always been close to. I am very close to my 2 year old niece. I am her Godmother and she even calls me Mama (her mother's request not mine). I watch her at least 2-3 evenings a week. She also lives down the street from me! I have taken each of my one brothers 3 kids on a month long long vacation when they were 10. We visited relatives out of town so that they could get to know each other. I also teach 1st grade so my life is filled with chidren and young adults. I could have adopted but I have always been single and I believe that a child needs 2 parents even if they don't live together or are divorced.

 

[acourtwdw]

I am a single woman who would love to have children. I have nieces and nephews that I am close to. They call me the fun parent, esp. when I take them to WDW.

 

[SanFranciscan]

I am a single woman who would love to have children. I have nieces and nephews that I am close to. They call me the fun parent, esp. when I take them to WDW.

That's cute! It sounds like you have grandchildren without having had the children!

 

[Disney Doll]

We are childless, not by choice. But it has been long enough now where we are "used" to the idea, so ti is not a heart-wrenching thing anymore, like it used to be.

We arevery fortunate that we have many family and friends who very generously share their children with us. We are "Uncle" and "Aunt" to many children, not all of whom are related by blood.

My feeling is that children cannot have too many people who love them, who support their endeavors (plays, sports, concerts etc.), who cheer them on in their moments of glory and also empathize with them in their moments of "not so much glory". I think having "parent-like" people who are not actually their parents is helpful during those teen years when there might be something they want to know about but feel uncomfortable asking Mom or Dad. I think the Moms and Dads of "our" kids always felt comfortable with DH & I being those people, because they knew that we wouldn't be giving their children any really whacked out advice.

In return, we have been allowed to participate in some of the most important occasions of those children's lives, for which we are quite grateful.

It's pretty easy...it's pretty much all about love.

 

[Mrsjvb]

I tolerate the nieces and nephews out of a desire to keep family harmony. I do NOT inflict any other children on myself at all, and in fact have turned down numerous opportunities to expand my friends list because they invited me to a meeting that 'kids were happily welcomed'

I am one of those people who actively does NOT like children and is not ashamed to tell you to your face that I think your kids are hellions.

 

[Mischa]

We are CNBC (Childless not by choice) too. We tried for 10+ years to have a baby of our own with no success (including several failed IUIs, last resort was to be donor egg but I developed "pre-cancerous cells" from the medications so we had no choice but to give up that dream). We also attempted adoption but each agency we talked to had an "excuse" - too many years difference in our ages, not the same religion, we both worked...etc. Not to mention the extreme cost (and after the IUIs and all we basically used up all our savings).

We love kids (don't like the parents that let their kids run wild and are not disciplined). Unfortunately, we have no nieces or nephews due to me being an only child and DH not close to his family. His one nephew is over 30 but we haven't heard from him in years.

Most of our friends who have children have basically abandoned us. I've tried to be close to some of the kids (buying gifts and all, but after never even receiving a "thank you" card I stopped. I figured they didn't want an "aunt Michelle"). None of my friends have even asked me to be Godmother to one of their kids, which hurts alot. Not sure why. Maybe they thought it would be hurtful to me since I didn't have any kids of my own. I don't know.

That being said - DH & I have no choice but to live adult-only lives. We go to Disney once (sometimes twice) a year and we have a blast. I'm still in the "wish we had a child" mode but I'm trying to accept that we never will have any - it's just hard to give up the hope.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[zima-cheryl]

My feeling is that children cannot have too many people who love them...

Amen to that! As they say, it takes a village.

I for one am glad & feel blessed to also be in that position of being able to be a supportive, positive influence in the lives of those we love. If we had kids of our own we couldn't do 1/3 of what we do for the nieces & nephews now.

 

[Claudia Kellenberger]

I am now 54 years old and childless.
This was both "by choice" and
"not by choice"

When I was 24 I had my first daughter. She was very much wanted, but she was born premature and only survived three days.

When I was 25, I had twin daughters, also very much wanted. They were born premature and only survived one hour.

Each year I became more and more afraid of getting pregnant. Doctors were not sure how to fix me.

After 5 years of birth control pills, I got my tubes tied, and I have never regretted it. I would rather have NO children, than another dead one.

My brother's kids, one girl and two boys, have been the most wonderful
kids. They are now fully grown, with kids of their own.

I would not have been able to emotionally survive if it were not for these three kids. Bless Them !
They grew up to be great people and really good parents, too.

 

[SanFranciscan]

Claudia, I am not at all surprised that your post has remained the last one here. Others reading it probably had the same reaction I did a couple of days ago. We were all stunned into silence. There is nothing more criminal than for a parent to bury a child.

 

[Mischa]

(((Claudia)))

I'd have to say I'd agree with you - I'm sure it was a difficult decision.

It's hard to be childless, especially when you want children. The most difficult thing is trying to accept it.