Declining Dad

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

My dad (I'm 45, he is 83) is really declining, He is falling constantly. My mom went to church this Saturday evening and came home to find him on the floor again. He has a medic alert bracelet that he does not use. I don't know that there are solutions. My mom is just so overwhelmed. We come at least once a month but it isn't enough. I'm not even sure what suggestions I could be looking for but I thought I would try here since people have so many ideas. Maybe I just need support. We are staying with them this weekend but can't just move in. I am at a loss and my mom is overwhelmed.

 

[starry_solo]

Hire someone to come for at least 4 hours a day.

 

[tvguy]

Hire someone to come for at least 4 hours a day.

Or see if there are adult daycares in your area.

 

[Southernmiss]

Hire someone to come for at least 4 hours a day.

This. Have someone come in when mom needs a break, appointment, errands, church, etc. Talk to his doctors, can home health come check in on him. Does he have a walker to assist?

My grandmother was 93 and started falling. At that time, my cousin took her in to live with her. But Gran still fell and the care became too much for my cousin. She had to get live in care for her last few years.

 

[ronandannette]

Such a hard season of life. I've been through it (repeatedly) from the position of a daughter/care giver, but not yet as a spouse. It must be excruciating.

You don't mention your Mom's own condition; is she still robust enough to be a full-time care-giver and is she physically and mentally capable of ensuring your Dad's safety at all times? Because that's really what it comes down to now. It sounds like he's no longer safe to be left alone, which often becomes a turning point.

Do finances allow for extensive in-home care/supervision? Your Mom will need respite even if she is very strong (in all ways). If not, at a certain point the discussion about a care setting will have to be had. These decisions and all the emotions around them are hugely complex. None of this will happen overnight and you'll worry enormously about both of them in the meantime.

Grace and peace to all of you.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

This. Have someone come in when mom needs a break, appointment, errands, church, etc. Talk to his doctors, can home health come check in on him. Does he have a walker to assist?

My grandmother was 93 and started falling. At that time, my cousin took her in to live with her. But Gran still fell and the care became too much for my cousin. She had to get live in care for her last few years.

Thank you for the kind way you worded things. They can't afford help 4 hours a day and my dad wouldn't allow it at this point. He uses a walker and my mom has insisted he goes back to a wheel chair but now i have my my 72 year old mom trying to get a wheel chair in and out of the car. I know there may be no good answer. We may just need to move in

 

[tvguy]

Thank you for the kind way you worded things. They can't afford help 4 hours a day and my dad wouldn't allow it at this point. He uses a walker and my mom has insisted he goes back to a wheel chair but now i have my my 72 year old mom trying to get a wheel chair in and out of the car. I know there may be no good answer. We may just need to move in

It appears Medicare will pay for some sort of help. https://www.medicare.gov/coverage/home-health-services

 

[focusondisney]

My dad (I'm 45, he is 83) is really declining, He is falling constantly. My mom went to church this Saturday evening and came home to find him on the floor again. He has a medic alert bracelet that he does not use. I don't know that there are solutions. My mom is just so overwhelmed. We come at least once a month but it isn't enough. I'm not even sure what suggestions I could be looking for but I thought I would try here since people have so many ideas. Maybe I just need support. We are staying with them this weekend but can't just move in. I am at a loss and my mom is overwhelmed.

I’m sorry your family is going thru this. Unfortunately many more of us are having to go thru this with aging parents. So much depends on what the specific issues are. We went thru it with both my parents. My dad passed away in 2015, my mom in 2022. My sister did move in with them in 2012. Dad was more supervision of meds & wheelchairs for medical appointments etc. He didn’t need 24/7 care. Mom is unfortunately had 2 strokes that lead to vascular dementia. She fell a few times, once in 2020 leading to a brain hemorrhage. Thankfully, I have 5 siblings & we’re all in the area. After the fall in January 2020, she needed someone with her ATC. She had memory issues as well as instability from the strokes. It was very unsafe for her to be alone. Those last 2 years of her life, we actually had weekly schedules to care for her at all times. On top of that, Covid was happening, so a nursing home was out of the question for us. Mom was late 80s, we were in all our 60s, so it certainly wasn’t easy & began to take its toll on all of us too.

Do you have siblings? I don’t know how families do it when there aren’t as many people as we had to help with the care. It really can be overwhelming. Unfortunately, Medicare & insurance don’t pay for home help when it’s “custodial” type care. They cover things like wound treatments, IVs, stuff like that. They don’t pay for someone to help get the person out of bed, bathed or to come stay at the house while the family member needs to go out. That all falls on the family.

A few suggestions: talk with his medical provider. He may benefit from Physical or Occupational Therapy, to help with maintaining or increasing strength & stability. Those can usually be done at home. He may need a walker or other assistive device.

By Medic Alert bracelet do you mean a Falls Dectection, assistance device? Check with the company. They may have a different device that will detect when he falls & call for assistance for him without him needing to do anything. We had 1 for mom before we started staying 24/7. They would be able to detect she fell & call the fire department & a designated family member.

Check with their local Office for the Aging. There may be some services they can suggest your parents might be eligible for for in home assistance.

You mentioned your mom was at church when he fell. Does their church do any type of fellowship or parishioner support? Maybe someone who would volunteer to keep dad company a few hours a week so mom can shop or attend an appointment.

Is he a Veteran? You could try a local Veteran’s Hospital if there is one near them to see if he qualifies for any services.

Sadly, elder care services & support are seriously lacking. I wish you strength & peace as you navigate this difficult period.

 

[LoveToDisney]

Go with your parents to the doctor appt and be their advocate. The doctor should be able to get you in touch with social services and see what help can be given. Many times there’s a waiting list so it’s not always available.
We had a similar situation. I had my own business so I took off for all appointments and cared for them during the daytime. My brother came after work and spent the evening …making sure my dad got to bed, went home to his wife, and stopped at the house in the morning on his way to work to get him up, etc. before I came later after getting my family taken care of. If there was an emergency at night, I answered that call and went to the house.
It might have been easier if we could have moved in but that wasn’t an option for us at the time.
Good suggestions in the post above.

 

[starry_solo]

Thank you for the kind way you worded things. They can't afford help 4 hours a day and my dad wouldn't allow it at this point. He uses a walker and my mom has insisted he goes back to a wheel chair but now i have my my 72 year old mom trying to get a wheel chair in and out of the car. I know there may be no good answer. We may just need to move in

Can you afford to pay for it?

 

[barkley]

We may just need to move in

will he listen to you? is your lifestyle (work and other committments) conducive to providing the help/support you feel your parents need (if you visit once per month i'm guessing there's some travel to their place-is this going to create a commute issue for you that could impact your expenses/available hours)? would your moving in and leaving/losing your current housing situation create potential issues down the line if your parents have to leave their home (if they own and have to sell to provide for care you can't provide/rent and the landlord won't extend the lease to you-would you be in a loss of housing situation?).

before you make a major decision like this i would suggest contacting the ombudsman group where your parents live b/c they will know what services and supports are available. they can also arrange for an unbiased evaluation of your parent's circumstances so that the safest decisions are made for both your dad AND mom.

 

[Earstou]

Do you know what is causing the falls? I recently had to have a talk with my husband's doctors because he just recently started falling. He stands up after lying in his recliner (or bed), starts walking and blacks out. Turns out his blood pressure drops when he stands up. So now he has to put his feet down first, wait a bit and let his blood pressure stabilize, before standing.
He also wasn't getting enough protein, which can cause low blood pressure issues. So I'm working on getting him to eat better.

 

[Suger Mag]

perhaps a nanny cam. You can get cameras that work through a phone app allowing you (and other caregivers) to check in on them periodically from afar. I have one in my moms room

 

[tony67]

One thing I wish I had thought of when I went through this, the Samsung Smartwatch - it has fall detection and can call whatever number you program. My dad also refused to use the life alert thing.
You can get the older models a bit cheaper.
Apple has a similar thing, but may cost a bit more.
I paid like 150 for the Galaxy Watch 5 with LTE.

Of course it has to be charged every day and he has to wear it - that may be a challenge.
Still looking back its something I wish I had known about.
Blink cameras are very reasonable and I also did those, but that not always a reasonable thing to do as they need their privacy..

We also had access to elder services and a nurse came in for about an hour 2-3 days a week.
We paid a small portion of that. You can pay more for more hours and it was pretty reasonable.
The also offered meals and cleaners.
Even though you may not need the cleaners they were there for an hour or two a few days a week so again, someone was there.

It might be worth looking into if there is a senior center in the town and if they can point you to the options.

 

[ronandannette]

Thank you for the kind way you worded things. They can't afford help 4 hours a day and my dad wouldn't allow it at this point. He uses a walker and my mom has insisted he goes back to a wheel chair but now i have my my 72 year old mom trying to get a wheel chair in and out of the car. I know there may be no good answer. We may just need to move in

Here’s where things get difficult...what exactly does your Dad think can or should happen now? Does he understand his own situation and just as importantly, your Mother’s? Do your parents expect you to uproot and move in? Is that something you can even do, practically-speaking?

 

[Pink Partridge]

This may sound extreme, but my mother in law actually got her life back once she moved into assisted living. It was an amazing facility with every therapy under the sun. Her husband was a veteran, so she qualified for financial assistance somehow.

It got to the point where we would almost be bothering her when we would visit. Lol. We loved that for her. It was a fabulous place.

 

[YachtClubWoman]

Been through this with my mother-in-law last year. Since they do not have the money- look at aging services for the county where they live - we were able to get her a few hours a week of an aide. Her caseworker helped us to navigate what was needed. It bought some time but eventually she was hospitalized and we were able to get her in long term care
If either were a veteran - the VA can also help

In my opinion- using your savings is not an option- what if you need it for future care? In our situation because my MIL did not save or have a plan -our financial future (which we planned and saved) would not be in jeopardy.

 

[tony67]

This may sound extreme, but my mother in law actually got her life back once she moved into assisted living. It was an amazing facility with every therapy under the sun. Her husband was a veteran, so she qualified for financial assistance somehow.

It got to the point where we would almost be bothering her when we would visit. Lol. We loved that for her. It was a fabulous place.

I would agree - I really wanted to get my Dad into place like this, but he refused.
The pandemic made the situation much worse with everything locked down etc... so other than us he was very isolated.

I do think had he gone to assisted living he would been much better off - but in the end it was his choice.
Even getting him to agree to the nurse coming in was a battle.
It was a big strain on us, but I am sure I had been a big strain on him when I was a kid and we only lived a mile away so its a bit easier to say the least.

 

[AnnaS]

Went through this with my parents, in-laws and have friends that went through it with their parents. Two of my sisters (one passed), worked as an aid for years. None of the patients fully agree when an aid is suggested. It takes a while for them to come around. If you find a good one, they will come around fast. At a certain point, the parent/s should not have much choice. If they insist, you do your best to protect them at home as has been suggested (cameras in kitchen/living area, medical bracelet, walker, railing to hold on to for walking if needed, bathroom accessories.

I believe, if it has not changed, Medicare covers temporary home care if you are coming home from hospital/surgery/nursing home/injury (most insurance cover this also). Must be approved. Just not random for "caregiving". They will also keep extending if you are trying to get approved with Medicaid.

I would also ask around, local/neighbors, church, landscapers, dr. office, etc. if you can find someone to come to the house a few hours a day. (usually 4 hours minimum).

A social worker, YMCA, etc. sometimes has people who can help.

If you have other siblings - take turns, chip in to pay aid, or if possible and no other choice, they can move in with you or you with them depending on the house that might be more appropriate. Good luck.

 

[cabanafrau]

Do you know what is causing the falls? I recently had to have a talk with my husband's doctors because he just recently started falling. He stands up after lying in his recliner (or bed), starts walking and blacks out. Turns out his blood pressure drops when he stands up. So now he has to put his feet down first, wait a bit and let his blood pressure stabilize, before standing.
He also wasn't getting enough protein, which can cause low blood pressure issues. So I'm working on getting him to eat better.

The bold is absolutely the starting point. We've been going through this for just over a year with my mother and both in-laws, for three different issues. It's very challenging.
The cause for the falls will be very important to determine which direction to take. Best of luck.