Family Response has DH Fuming

[KathyRN137]

As a grandma, I agree with DebbieJean about breakfast . . . but I also agree with SpiceyCat. A short fuse is scarey in anyone but really scarey in a policeman.

Well, not to worry, he has been on the job for 20 yrs and no problems there. I suspect that one of the reasons he can relax and blow off steam once he is in the security of his own home is that he must control his emotions so strictly when he is at work doing a very stressful job.

Fortunately, Grumping is not the only way he does that. He runs and bikes almost every day. We were able to go to WDW together last month for Marathon Weekend/our anniversary. It's so therapeutic to get away alone without kids once in a while! It took me ten years before I felt comfortable leaving the kids overnight...now I want to do it every anniversary!

Kathy

 

[MommeeOfAPrnzess]

Its not your son that they don't want to stay with you its probbably your husband! Sorry, to say but I agree with you that your daughter needed a break for a bit - its her trip too and she needs some of her time too!
He needs to apologize to your sisters and extend a heart warming invitation to the ones that are going to stay with you or atleast meet up with you and tour - they probably don't want to interefer with you at your place which I can understand but they probably heard what happened and don't want that to happen to them.
I am glad you spoke up to him - he should realize that your older child is going thru a lot and probably does a lot for her brother but she's a kid too and needs her time -
I hope it works out that you all can spend some time together - talk to your sisters and explain to what happened and that you do want to spend some time with them at the world -
I am sure it will workout - be honest with them
Good luck

 

[ilovejack02]

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it wasn't about your son's behaviour! Your husband couldn't manage to be polite to your sister and her family for a whopping day and half, and clearly has a tendancy to blow up at any slight, be it real or imagined. No big mystery why they don't want to take you up on your generous offer. Sounds like you treat him with kid gloves to keep the peace, but not everybody will.

Frankly, I would tell him that most likely they didn't want to stay with HIM because he behaves like an arrogant a$s, but that's just me.

Sorry but ITA, it prob isnt so much about your DS as it is about your DH. Who wants to hang with Mr.Grumpy? Certainly not me.
As far as you DD she needs to hang out with other children besides DS, i cant believe you DH cant see that.

 

[MP2002]

Hi Kathy,
It's crazy but I think you may be my twin family next door in Jersey. I am in Delaware and I come from a family of 8 w/6 girls. And all of my sibs and myself are up each other's butts (for lack of a better word)! We don't hesitate to correct each other's kids or butt into each others business (w/full consent from the other siblings) and I think sometimes it gets overwhelming for our SO's. I also know when there is tension w/the SO & the siblings it is really stressful. I hate the tip toeing around that is then necessary. By the way, I would be one of the bossy sisters that drive your SO crazy (I think sometimes one of my brother-in-laws deep down feels this way about me too but he also knows that in a pinch I am the one he relies on so it all evens out eventually). I think the problem your DH had w/what your sister said was sort of the "Who does she think she is telling me why my daughter is doing what she is doing? And that she has to explain my own child to me, her father!" On the surface this is a nothing issue but he was already hypersensitive to the fact that DD had "dumped" DS and I think it just spiralled from there if that makes any sense.

This may sound kind of stupid but I wonder if you sat your SO down & told him that your sisters are who they are and the reason they feel they can talk freely about what they think is best for your children (in that it is good for DD to be able to have a day to spend some time riding w/same age, same sex cousin/friend) is because they love BOTH your children. DD having this time to do her thing will make her happier to continue hanging w/younger brother later doing things more at his pace or his way. And sis must feel comfortable enough with your SO to be able to say this to him as well because she knows that again the common goal for both sis and SO is for you & kids to be happy and loved. But, having said all that, based on his reaction to what happened to the conversation above that now your siblings probably don't feel comfortable around your SO to be theirselves because they can tell that he is upset w/them and that is why they do not want to room together and it has nothing to do w/DS. I know in my family, we have brother in laws that we are ourselves with and we give grieve to just like the rest of us and they give it right back to us and its fun. I would trust them w/all that is mine and they would trust me w/all that is theirs (kids, homes, health, etc.). I have also had brother in laws that did not want to get involved in the fray (you know the fray created at every family get together w/all the sibs, spouses, kids, etc. that can be up to 40 people for a simple family dinner!) We are very polite to them and don't express ourselves to them as much because they are uncomfortable with the "bigness" of it all. Not that we don't get along but just don't feel like we really know them as well but don't want them to be uncomfortable either. So what I'm saying is I guess is it is really hard w/lots of sisters and hubby if they don't get along. But maybe if you tell him he needs to take his protective shell down a little because none of your sisters are trying to "dis" your DS then maybe he would be a bit more receptive. I bet if you could get hubby to agree to this then getting your sisters on board would be no problem. I am sure they are just distancing theirselves for your sake because they no their presence annoys your hubby a bit. Hope some of this makes sense but if not, just know that I feel your pain girl!!!!!

 

[MP2002]

My goodness, I wrote a novel up there didn't I???? Sorry, didn't realize just how long I had rambled!

 

[BroganMc]

Kathy,

You have my sympathies. Yes, getting family to mix well is always a challenge. I have had several Disney vacations with my siblings and their children. It's like making an omelette. Lots of ingredients you'd never expect and someone invariably hates, a few broken shells, add a little heat and butter to bait the flames, and somehow it all manages to be edible afterwards, or at least far tastier than we expected at the time.

Your vent did paint the picture for the problem being your DH's mood with your sister as causing strife. Two 10 year old girl cousins chosing to ditch their brothers to hang out is a de facto occurrence. Girls just wanna be girls. I highly doubt your daughter had any subconscious or conscious intentions of not wanting to be around her brother for his autism. Heck, my niece (of that age) will dis her brothers and her baby sister if a friend of the same age appears on the scene.

You can only talk to your husband about the extended adult family issues. Maybe some viewpoints need to be shared. But my only real concern is the suggested affect this might have on your kids. By making it appear your daughter did something wrong wanting to do the girl thing, you may inadvertantly make spending time with her brother become a chore for her. Something she "has" to do rather than "wants" to do.

Seems the hardest part of parenting is knowing when to interfere in our children's relationships and when to butt out. I say this being the youngest of 4 kids who was the one to grow up with a disability (a mobility disability which made my getting around a real drag). One brother was "forced" to take me so many places he actually grew up resenting me for my disability. We get along much better when I am the "able to cart myself around" adult now.

Good luck and God bless!

 

[Dis1978]

Kathy,
I have vacationed with large extended family to Disney many times. The last time there was a huge family row because of stroppy behaviour of supposedly neurotypical teenage cousin. The cousin's mum felt the child should be allowed to do and say whatever she liked. We all made up but was very unpleasant. Now with about to be diagnosed aspie son I feel it is best to travel just with my husband and kids - lot less stressful. Having an child with disabilities is tough in itself without all the extra hassle of family squabbling.

 

[Dis1978]

Kathy, be glad to hear your thoughts on DVC ownership for families with a kid with a disability. Or if anyone else can tell me how DVC membership is working out for them please. I have considered it since it first began when my youngest was a baby. Wish i had bought into it then. Now with my eldest being on the spectrum I am considering DVC again. My son needs his own space and likes to eat at unusual times of the night due to major sleep problems. I was going to book Saratoga or key west but very expensive. How does the cost of a week at DVC compare to annual Disney vacations?
Also I have always stayed on Disney for the last 20 years or so- favourite is beach club but also been to WL, AK, YC, CB, CS, PO, Poly. Two rooms is too costly at these resorts. The family suites at all star movies has been suggested -anyone stayed in them? The problem is that, as I am sure anyone else with an Aspie knows, is that they need a lot of space for meltdowns etc. Has anyone tried somewhere off disney? I wonder though whether they will be more understanding of disability at Disney.
Thanks and best of luck Kathy with your family

 

[OneMoreTry]

We couldn't do WDW without a 2BR at DVC. It's a must for DD who has to get away at times. For that we love Old Key West, which also has the lowest point cost per unit.

 

[KathyRN137]

Hi, OP here!

Just had a family get-together this past weekend and was talking with my sister. The subject of our upcoming concurrent WDW vacations came up again. (DH was not present--he was working.)

Sis again verbalized that the reason she did not want to stay at DVC with us is because it is the first trip for their kids, (2,4,and 5), and they were looking forward to experiencing it "as a family", but was definitely in agreement that we should do a character meal together and either Fantasmic! or the SpectroMagic Parade so the cousins could have some time together.

My other sis, the one who rubbed DH the wrong way that time at WDW, spoke up and said that they had enjoyed spending some time with us and some time on their own when we were there at the same time. She didn't mention DH's behaviour, and she could have complained about it openly if she wanted to because he wasn't there.

I won't be able to persuade my OTHER sis to come, because she just announced that she was expecting another child in October!

I think that they recognize that DH is not used to the openess and familiarity with which we talk to each other, they regret it but they try to understand that he is just sensitive when it comes to what he perceives as them being "bossy".

I know that the cousins are ecsatic that they will see each other at WDW; I think that togetherness will be fine as long as it is in small doses!

Kathy