How to deal with the emotional mother?

[monarchsfan16]

I'm graduating high school in less than two weeks. Will head off to college in the fall. My mom is an emotional disaster right now, and I have this feeling that she'll remain that way the rest of the summer. I'm the oldest, so this is her first time going through this. I'm not exactly emotionally ehhh stable about all of this, so I'm not insulting her or anything, but how did you all survive your parents' emotions about you going to college? Right now it's sort of at the point where I can't exactly talk about anything college without her bringing up the topic. She has to be prepared in order to not start sobbing.

 

[kandeebunny]

My mom was the SAME WAY! I am her only and we had lost my father before I started HS so she was dealing with it all alone. My mom called me every night at school which eased things for both of us, even if it was just to say hi. As time went on through my freshman year this slowed down. My mom took the time she used to spend with me and joined the local garden club. If your town offers things like that or book clubs or art lessons encourage her to try something new out! (would make a great birthday/anytime gift for her and get her out more too!) Auburn isn't too far from Durham, encourage her to visit, and go home a weekend a month perhaps at least at first. Plus going home means free laundry/shampoo/food and NON dining hall food! I left dorm life after my first year at school and have been commuting to UNH since. Make sure she knows you will miss her, and as much as you will love getting care packages at school...send her some...send cards...in the meantime suggest doing something like a small trip this summer just you and her for quality time.
Sorry I can't be of more help.

 

[monarchsfan16]

Thanks for the suggestions! I was definitely planning on going home occasionally. I couldn't handle only coming back on school breaks (one of the many reasons for picking UNH), and I know she and the "family" are planning on coming over for some hockey games too. My sister will still be home, as with the stepsister and stepdad so it won't be just her at home but...
While I'd love to do the small trip thing this summer, the vacation fund is completely dry having just come back from Disney over April vacation. But I'm sure we will be spending plenty of quality time together.
I definitely like the idea of sending her cards. I'll have to stock up on those. She's computer illiterate so besides the phone calls (which will be daily I'm sure...) I was wondering what else I could do.
Thanks for the suggestions. Your response WAS a help

 

[goofytime2000]

I was actually in about the exact same situation 4 years ago when I started college. I joined the Marching Band at school, so that really cut into my time that I was able to go home for a weekend. Parents and I talked on the phone at least once a week, and it seemed like we talked using AIM just about every night. What really helped set my Mom at ease is when she came up to my first football game, and saw that I had settled in and was making friends. After that things were fine. I'm not sure if this helps at all, but it was my experience. Good luck with everything.

 

[minmate]

Oh wow! Well, it's been awhile for me. I'm a mom of four myself now. But I'm on the other end of the spectrum. My second is starting Kindergarten in the "big school" and my youngest is going off to preschool in the Fall (wahhh!!!). No, really, I know it's kind of a wacky comparison, but from the parent POV, it's the best I've got. I was a much bigger ball of emotions when my first dd hit major milestones than my subsequent children. It doesn't mean I didn't celebrate them and feel that tug of, "My how time is flying." It just means that I have come to learn that we are adaptable and capable of adusting to the normal transitions of life.

For your mom, are there any hobbies or activities that she loves to do that she hasn't had the time to do as much lately? Maybe you could encourage her to pick that back up. I know this may sound hokey, but part of you going to college not only makes her sad to miss you but it makes her face her own mortality too. Times a'flyin'. Her baby that is seems she just brought home from the hospital is leaving the nest.... ALREADY??!!! My, where has the time gone? So, anything that reminds her how wonderful, talented and how much she still has to look forward to in her own life would be helpful. It's so hard for a mother to have this empty "hole" where she used to put so much time, worry and attention. At least she had your physical being there to touch base with. Now, for the first several weeks at least, she'll still worry if you get enough to eat, enough sleep, are happy, are studying, are making the right choices, but she won't be able to physically look you in the eye and touch base with you. Then the realization will slowly set in that YOU are in charge of you now. She will slowly need to let go of worrying about how well you are eating or getting along with your friends or if you need a new pair of sneakers. That's tought stuff. What do you fill that part of your brain with? She'll figure it out though!

Can your mom and you put together a scrapbook (or maybe two, one for each of you to keep), about the past 18-19 years of your life? That could be your summer project. If you don't have pictures of certain fond memories, just write about them in each other's scrapbook... kind of like a journal. In a way, you'd be putting all your past memories in place... (you know the saying... closing the book on this chapter of your life?).

And once you are AT school... if you have time, you could both agree to just use a regular notebook and journal in it a few minutes each day. Then once a month you can send your notebooks to each other to read. (Obviously, only write about what you want your mom to know)... but if you do this every day, she'll still get to read about the little things you think, feel or do that you might forget or not think to tell her in phone conversations and such. Plus, if your schedules don't jive to talk on the phone... or suddenly, you're feeling it's not so cool to spend so much time on the phone with mom in front of your roomie... well roomie doesn't have to know the journal gets sent to mom, at the end of the week or month, right? What's cool about this is you'll have some very detailed journals, great memories of your first year "on your own!"

Have faith in the fact that she will adjust. You both will adjust. It's okay to simply say you will miss being a part of the family's daily routine, but that you still love them all very much, they are the core of your life and this is a good thing for you to do for your future. Remind her she raised you well and now you're ready to go out and prove that to the world. Then let your confidence about your new adventure shine. Don't apologize for going to college. It's a great, wonderful thing.

And remember, all freshmen are new and looking to make friends... so if the friend factor has you worried, know that everyone else is in the same situation as you. Even if there are people you know from H.S., or that others know from their H.S.'s most everyone is ready to branch out and make some new friends. So as long as you are open, warm, as friendly as you can be, approachable it should fall into place.

 

[monarchsfan16]

Minmate: I totally understand your comparison. Actually I see it with the woman I babysit for: her youngest, who is also her only from this marriage (she has a teenager who's off a boarding school) will start preschool in the fall. She's got similar feelings about that as my mom does to me leaving. So your comparison definitely made sense
I love your ideas of the scrapbook and journal. My mom and I aren't very skilled in the scrapbooking department, unfortunately. We do have though, about 10 years of pictures that have never been put in albums, and reading your post made me remember that. I think she and I will work on the albums together this summer. She's a teacher so during the school year she doesn't have a lot of time for her hobbies. She's going to be making my dress for graduation this year; we've found nothing in stores. She actually seems happier since that decision was made yesterday. We'll see if that helps her at all. Sewing is one of her hobbies, but she never gets to sew stuff for us anymore; we've sort of grown out of that phase. Thank you for your suggestions and words of wisdom! They helped a lot

 

[iggbees]

i was lucky and it was actually my mom who was the one who told me to go far away (3.5-4 hrs.) to college. she wanted me to live in the dorms and have a social life like she was able to. my dad on the other hand wanted me close to home, for both financial and missing me reasons. he went to college 15 min away from his home and never got to live in the dorms, so he didn't really know what it was like for me to do this.

for the last 4 years, the only reason my mom came to visit me was to go shopping at the christmas tree shop in the mall near my school. haha.

trust me, your mom will become computer literate very quickly when you go away to college. my mom couldn't use the computer for more than making labels for her school activities, since i've graduated she can write emails like nobody's business and she continues to shock us with her knowledge of how to use the computer!

leaving your parents for the first time is rough, i think i was upset for like an hour, but then there are so many things to do on campus when you arrive you tend to forget that you miss them. as for your mom, i'm sure she'll realize this is the best thing for you and that you're going to grow up at some point and leave home. she probably feels that this is the best way for you to do that. just talk to her about how she feels and assure her that you'll still be there and you'll be available to talk to on the phone as well as through email and letters.

good luck!

 

[dcfromva]

monarchsfan16,
Hugs to you and your Mom. My DS is a rising senior in high school. We've been doing college visits since last summer.
At this point, there's no going backwards, it's all going forward. Give your Mom lots of hugs and tell her you'll call her lots (and one of those family plan cell phones with free calls within the plan with text messaging capability would really come in handy for that.... or, one of those snazzy photo phones. )

-DC

 

[WDWprincessloyola]

I am an only child and my mother is very close to me. I am not far from home, only an hour, but my family had to get used to the fact that I went from small town Indiana to busy city of Chicago. I call my mother every weekend and sometimes we talk on AIM. Teach your mom how to use the basic functions of a computer. Write it out for her and walk her through it, this helps. We also set up times every month or so when I come home for the weekend. There is a constant reminder that I will be home in the near future. Your mother will learn that this is transition is part of your life and there are many ways to work through it. Talk about college as if you talk about high school, where the only difference is that you are living on campus. I would also say talk to your mom's friends if you are close with them and ask if they would do stuff together. I did that with one of my mother's closest friends and they went on a little trips together and had fun. College may seem like a big jump, but if you treat it like a fact of life it's better. Keep your family involved in making decisions, ask for her opinion, and remind her that you will still need her to depend on her Good luck with college!

 

[monarchsfan16]

Iggbees: My dad wanted me to go to Pennsylvania for school. 8-10 hours from home. He DID NOT want me to go where I'll be going because it's only 40 minutes away. His other choice for me was UCLA, on the other side of the country. Uhhh no thanks. His reasoning was the same with your mom's in addition to him having a cool place to come visit me And chances are slim that he'd actually have visited. But anyway.

Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom and suggestions. They are a big help. This next week is definitely going to be tough. I got my cap and gown today and she made me model it SHe looked like she was going to cry-until she realized I had put the cap on crooked and the collar on backwards (both by accident I swear). Then she laughed and everything was fine.

 

[KingKobra]

I always made sure I called home at least once a day. My mom and I also have picture phones and she would like it when i would occasionally send her a pic message of something interesting. Also, dont underestimate the powers of the well timed hallmark card lol

 

[Momeska]

An emotional mother here!
This isn't really a solution to the OP's problem at hand, however, could be helpful for those who are still in high school. My son starts college this year in Indiana, 10 hours from home. A year ago, he went on a trip, by himself...far, far away. He was gone for three weeks and I couldn't contact him. He had to contact me. He did call about once a week, thank goodness. But that experience was incredible for him and gave me the opportunity to see what it will be like when he's gone off to college. I had a very difficult time the first week but, I had to deal with it because I couldn't reach him. I got over it and now I can send him off to college secure in the knowledge that he'll be just fine. Sure, I'll miss him terribly but we can be in contact by phone or IM. My advice to you students is travel while you're in high school, if you can. Get a taste of being on your own and give your parents the opportunity to experience "empty nest" before it's permanent.
Linda

 

[AtoZgirl]

I think all of our moms go through a lot more than we think. Seeing my mom made me feel scared to even have a kid and having only 18 years until it, too went off to college. Even now she still is not the same, but mainly because she misses me constantly (just as I do her) and I'm not around ALL the time (we are the best of friends) and especially a lot of activites moms take part in when your there and in school (sports, PTA, theather, etc.). But also I'm an only child... so my thoughts and strength goes out to my mother even to this day. But on the up side... she has my wonderful dad and I'm only an hour away so we see each other a lot still!

 

[LadyDulcinea1]

My school is about 3 hours away from my house and my mom was pretty emotional the summer before I started. I think what helps both of us deal with everything (only child single parent household since I was 3 months old!) is by talking to each other everyday for at least a few minutes, keeping her up to date on things that are going on at school, such as classes, activities, and stuff, and definitely going home occasionally. Don't worry, everything will get easier, it just takes some getting used to.

 

[Ashes8380]

Just remember not to get mad at your mother when she gets emotional. My mom was the same way, and I used to get so annoyed with her, because she was making my major life change even more traumatic. Eventually I figured out just to ignore it, and when she got emotional to (tactfully) leave her alone, because there was no use in upsetting the both of us. It gets better each year though, although when I moved into my first real apartment (not on campus one) this year, I noticed the emotions flaring up again. good luck and enjoy your freshman year.

 

[monarchsfan16]

Just remember not to get mad at your mother when she gets emotional. My mom was the same way, and I used to get so annoyed with her, because she was making my major life change even more traumatic. Eventually I figured out just to ignore it, and when she got emotional to (tactfully) leave her alone, because there was no use in upsetting the both of us. It gets better each year though, although when I moved into my first real apartment (not on campus one) this year, I noticed the emotions flaring up again. good luck and enjoy your freshman year.

Yeah, I've had to learn how to not get mad about the emotions the hard way. Couple the emotions of me going off to college with a health scare she had this summer and tempers and emotions have been going nuts in this house. I think the true test will be next Friday. I can't believe how fast it's come.

 

[HaleyB]

Hi, I am one of the emotional Moms...

First off

leaving your parents for the first time is rough, i think i was upset for like an hour, but then there are so many things to do on campus when you arrive you tend to forget that you miss them.

If you feel this way, please hyperbole is ok, maybe a day or a week, instead of an hour. Lol, an hour??? your poor Mom.

Contact is key. I think a lot of you have figured that out. I hope my son will (we leave on Tuesday for Dorm move in, he will be a 5 hour airplane ride away from me, ). Return calls and send mail. Make friends (we Moms worry about that) and have fun (but not too much fun).

Don't forget that your Moms might also be at an age where hormones (or lack there of) are doing crazy things to their brains. This can cause roller coaster emotions, and we really can not help it. The best thing to do is listen and not react to the emotion. Let the storms pass. If it is sadness, don't react. If it is anger, really don't react (or try to be logical). It will pass.

 

[MnParrothead]

Thanks to everyone who posted on this thread. My son left for college two days ago and I've been having a hard time of it. Just reading other people's experiences reminds me that I'm not the only parent feeling sad.