Seventy by seven - My journey from 360 pounds to the Disney Donald (comments welcome)

[Irun4u]

I too do the internal "just this once." It takes lots of mental work for me to skip a "once." I am proud of you for pushing through and taking your lunch.

I am going to steal what you wrote when you started your journal. I liked your 3 goal words and that you have a month long challenge (currently no chocolate bars).

Tomorrow is October 1, so I need to come up with mine STAT *Grin*

I enjoyed reading your journal. Thank you for writing on my thread.

 

[jimmduck]

Plan for staying on track:

a) Bring lunch today. And I did. I was telling myself, couldn't do it, get something out, cannot have your ice pack in the car all weekend (I am not going back home til I get back), etc.

That is the eating disorder talking and I have a fridge at work for Pete's sake!

An invitation to disaster is what it was, an old trick. I resisted it. Took a Smart Ones dinner and some OP fruit, pudding and snacks.

Do not plan to eat out, my sister will have dinner ready when I get there.

b) Try to work out at a Goodlife gym in the morning.

c) Plan out what I am going to eat at Montana's (our supper stop) and stick to it. Order first. Will have some treats, but will not have the fattiest things on the menu and portions similar to those of a lumberjack just because others may be ordering. Order first!

d) Drink water, coffee, tea or (a little) diet soda only.

e) No chips or chocolate bars (still on my 30 day ban of the latter, don't care for the former anyway).

f) No in between meal eating given the larger meals.

g) Chart, chart, chart! Going a way for a vacation is not a vacation from healthy eating, period!

:

Really off day and I am exhausted. But it is time to come on for my "report card".

Overall - a D minus.

Pluses:

Did bring lunch and did not stop for "supper" before supper.

Did not eat chips or candy bars (the ban ends Friday on the latter)

Did drink only the things I planned except for one rum (with diet coke) and one glass of OJ

Did not eat too much between meals.

Did walk on Saturday - over 8000 steps

Minuses:

Did not consistently chart

Way too much volume (to the point of discomfort)

Too many between meal treats.

But I am back on track today.

No workout - tomorrow for that.

Heading to bed soon.

Tomorrow peeps. This is a journey and I am still in it.

Have a magical day.

Linda

 

[jimmduck]

I too do the internal "just this once." It takes lots of mental work for me to skip a "once." I am proud of you for pushing through and taking your lunch.

I am going to steal what you wrote when you started your journal. I liked your 3 goal words and that you have a month long challenge (currently no chocolate bars).

Tomorrow is October 1, so I need to come up with mine STAT *Grin*

I enjoyed reading your journal. Thank you for writing on my thread.

Thanks for reading!

I will be watching your journey too with interest.

Linda

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

Hi Linda,

sounds like you did have some good choices while you were gone. And you are doing great with your ban. You are almost there!

And WAY to go to get back on track right away! That is awesome!

 

[rubato]

Linda,
Just wanted to say hi. I also have an eating disorder and it's such a tough road. My battle with food is never ending. I am at my ideal weight, but have struggled with anorexia, bulimia, binging, and now just an obsession with food. I have done manic amounts of exercise to "make up" for the amount of food I've eaten. It's just so out of control, and it's hard to understand unless you've been there. I'm enjoying your journal and wish you lots of success.
About the only thing I can suggest is that you definitely stay with that journaling. I have managed to use that to turn my food obsession from bad to good. I write down everything I eat or drink, and it somehow fills my needs of obsession. You are making some great choices, so stick with it!

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

Just thinking about you today, and hope you are doing well!

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

I hope you are doing OK. I miss reading your posts. Please keep us posted!!!!

 

[jimmduck]

Linda,
Just wanted to say hi. I also have an eating disorder and it's such a tough road. My battle with food is never ending. I am at my ideal weight, but have struggled with anorexia, bulimia, binging, and now just an obsession with food. I have done manic amounts of exercise to "make up" for the amount of food I've eaten. It's just so out of control, and it's hard to understand unless you've been there. I'm enjoying your journal and wish you lots of success.
About the only thing I can suggest is that you definitely stay with that journaling. I have managed to use that to turn my food obsession from bad to good. I write down everything I eat or drink, and it somehow fills my needs of obsession. You are making some great choices, so stick with it!

Thanks so much.

Was a little off track last week (I have limited battery power on this lap top tonight - forgot the power cord, so more details tomorrow), but the eating disorder is always there. You are right, journalling is key. And I am back at it, starting right now - not tomorrow or next week!

The food obsession is still there (and it did not help that yesterday was Canadian Thanksgiving, I hosted dinner for 10 people and the table looked like Bloomingdales during a summer sale lol) but day I day I work with it.

After all, we only have today. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not guaranteed and each day is a gift.

Have a magical one.

Linda

 

[jimmduck]

I hope you are doing OK. I miss reading your posts. Please keep us posted!!!!

A little off kilter friend, that's all. Still in this. Its a journey after all - not a long distance jump I guess.

More tomorrow, will run out of battery power any time and forgot cord.

See your blog for more details and will, for sure, write more tomorrow.

Take care.

Linda

 

[Rose&Mike]

Linda--are you hanging in there? You can do this! It is worth the hard work, I promise! Anyhow, I hope you are doing ok.

 

[jimmduck]

Never tell anyone that something can't be done. God may have waited centuries for someone ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing

Linda--are you hanging in there? You can do this! It is worth the hard work, I promise! Anyhow, I hope you are doing ok.

This is the second time tonight I have tried to post this, so I think that I am going to do it in smaller chunks.

Yes, Rose, I am hanging in, but just barely.

Trouble is, I cannot really explain why it is that I kind of "fell off the wagon".

Fatigue, travel, work, out of sync, husband's illness... All of these things.

But the fact is, I am really not looking for an excuse - I just want back on, now, tonight.

My dear friend, Vija, gave me a gift (see below - testing).

Linda

 

[jimmduck]

Never tell anyone that something can't be done. God may have waited centuries for someone ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing - J.R. Holmes

Ok - so far so good - posting lol.

Anyhow, getting back to where we were, my dear friend, Vija, who also writes a very inspirational blog, sent me a gift - a 30 day series of inspirational readings. I got them a few weeks ago and was wondering how to best use them.

I have decided to post one everydayfor the next thirty days.

I need to get back to the daily consistency and so that is what I am going to do, starting tonight - the first day of the rest of my life (I had a birthday, and an anniversary yesterday).

You see folks - this is not a dress rehearsal, it is the only life we get, and I believe we were not meant to live it in isolation, on a hill, or seeking only to bless ourselves. We need to find our vision, and seek daily direction in living it to the fullest.

There are many folks in my life who inspire me - Vija is certainly one, as I mentioned. I look for inspiration in all that I read and hear actually.

But there are two people who are monumental - and I am going to talk about the first one tonight.

This is a friend that I "met" by reading about her in a local paper. I think I have mentioned her before - she was at least my size and had so many health issues, I would run out of ink describing them.

Anyway, she was training for a half marathon - at Disney. I was hooked - and the rest is history

Two years ago, her motivation as at its highest. She was gaining great distances and speeds in races and lost tons of weight, by her own effort, preparing for a WLS she waited 20 years for.

She got it, and lost tons. Unfortunately, there were health issues resulting that caused her to be hospitalized for weeks. She has gained all the weight back, and is worse than ever. She feels discouraged, and a colossal failure. She also needs to take more meds to combat the complications which have terrible side effects - fatigue, making it tough to even get out of bed and shower.

My heart breaks for her.

I need to show her that this can be done, I just have to.

She inspired me to the max, people speak of my courage to do these races - before there was mine, there was hers.

Now I need to inspire her.

More details tomorrow. Thanks for listening....

Linda

 

[jimmduck]

Live all you can; it's a mistake not to - Henry James

Well I don't really know who Henry James is - but I sure like what he says.

Gets back to what I was saying yesterday - this is not a dress rehearsal, we only get one life, so we have to live it, now - not tomorrow or next week.

I also am reminded of one of my favourite lines in the movie Shawshank Redemption - where Morgan Freeman's character tells the lead character to either "get busy living or get busy dying".

And it's true.

So today I am going to talk a little more about what I am doing the next 30 days, besides copying one of these daily readings onto the blog.

I am going to:

a) implement the ban on chocolate bars again after tomorrow night. I just am not controlling them well, still sneaking and pigging out, and that just has to stop. Did well for a time after the first ban came off, but bad again.

Still - hasn't been a total failure - there is a small bag of cheesies next to me that I am saving for tomorrow's lunch and a box of little bars and candy that I have not touched in days, but still, for now, I am doing this.

I will allow myself a few little bars on Halloween.

b) Chart food every day. Don't care if you eat 6000 calories (well, I do, but you get the idea) - it must be charted.

I will be up in calories tomorrow because we will be finishing off the left over Chinese food that was ordered for my birthday Friday - the portion sizes were enough to feed the Russian army and its all in the fridge.

Will also be eating some of the left over birthday cake in the microwave at work. A communication error left me with two celebration cakes (marble), like crack to me. They have been calling to me all weekend.

One I brought home. Ate some, gave some away and am sending the rest with my husband to his place of employment tomorrow.

I will freeze the rest of what is left at work and try to portion it out. I would really like to be able to learn to portion it, because its my favourite, but its the one thing I am not sure of.

c) Exercise, in some form, 6 - 7 days a week. I walked yesterday on the waterfront for 30 some minutes and it was great, but today was yucky out and I was lazy.

d) Read Vija's post everyday (so Vija you gotta write) and post here, with the reading.

I am not really training right now and not racing again til spring.

I am having surgery in December - a hernia has grown in the incisional site from the surgery last year - not uncommon and not an emergency, but it needs to get fixed. We are doing a "permanent fix" with mesh. Hopefully, it won't bother me again.

It is elective, I am nervous and I don't want it. But I don't want to be sick again either - so.

Anyway, til tomorrow, when I am going to tell you about the other person who has had a monumental effect on me.

Have a magical day folks - if anyone is reading thanks. If not, that is ok to as this is mostly for me.

Linda

 

[BonitaMc]

Keep it up girl! I am stalking you

 

[jimmduck]

Keep it up girl! I am stalking you

Thanks sweetie. Thanks for not only reading but joining so you can comment.

You know I love you like my right arm, but I am just not in a good place right now.

I am not good company folks - not on line or in person.

Writing right now would just be negative poison, and I don't want that, I want to be uplifting.

The fact is I have never felt worse in my life - worn out, burned out. I look to God everyday for direction and strength and it is the only reason I get up.

After my birthday food fest, I have actually been doing pretty well. I have maintained the no chocolate bar ban - none since Halloween.

I am walking some - going to the gym for weights this pm and for a waterfront walk with the group in the morning.

But I am very, very low. So low I am considering contacting the Lawyer's Assistance program for some counselling (five sessions are free) but I don't want the bar society up my butt either - the clients are fine, there are no substance/gambling issues and the client's money is fine. I just want to run away from home, crawl under a rock and die.

My husband did something Wednesday that would be insignificant to all of you, but to me was basically saying that "I don't care what you think, it's all about me and I can break my word if I want to". I can't get past it, I cannot even look at him.

We cannot separate right now, but I am keeping my distance and he knows it. For how long, I don't know. He has begun a six week unpaid leave from work - good for him. I don't get to stay home like that.

Well I better shut up.

I will start the readings again, when I feel up to it, maybe tomorrow.

Yes, I will feel better tomorrow.

Sorry for the poison pen.

Linda

 

[jimmduck]

I honestly believed that i was no good, that i was "too big ", that people didn't really love me. I had a battle to fight, a battle against lies, lies that held me down and nearly took my life

Well I am back, and before tomorrow.

You know when you have an "a ha" moment, as Oprah calls them?

Well I just had one.

The above words are not mine, they are a quote from the blog of one of the wisest people I know, the other person who I have referred to who has had the most profound, momental effect on my journey this far.

I did not write the above words, but they are straight from my head.

I don't want to break the anonymity of this person, so I am going to be a little cryptic here.

I have had a "connection" of sorts with this person since she was first placed in my arms at the age of about six months - something the family would recall and chuckle at. Growing up, we would play little board and card games together. And when she got sick, I read books that were designed to help her - but when I read them, it was like looking into a mirror. This was me.

We had the very same disease and were striving for the same goals - we were just at opposite ends of the spectrum.

That was when I recalled, and admitted, the full extent of my past bullemia, sneak eating and binge eating.

I was able to realize that I was not the disgusting pig I believed myself to be and believed others saw me as, I was sick.

Still am, let's face it, I am too big, way too big. But the ED is not as prounounced as it once was and I don't feel "as sick".

Like her, still grapple with anxiety, and lack of self worth. The other night, some of my Facebook friends took some of the comments in my status and kind of turned it into a testimonial. They were saying nice things and it was so embarassing. The bad stuff is so much easier for me to hear.

Still "separated" from the husband, I am starting to see things a little more clearly.

Just finished dinner and am finished eating for the day.

Tomorrow, I am going walking with my group (today's weather has been dreadful). And I am going to remember that this whole thing is a journey.

After all, one step does not take you very far - you need to keep on walking.

I continue to benefit from the wisdom of this person and am thankful to her for giving me some strength to go on today.

Have a magical day folks

Linda

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

LINDA... many, many hugs to you

I am so very sorry for all that you are struggling with right now. I am glad that you had an A HA moment and hope you are finding comfort and peace in that. I am glad that you have someone that you are finding inspiration from and comfort in. Please let all the postive comments from your friends really filter in and fill your soul with a calming balm to help heal your wounds from the inside out. sounds like they really care and love you, and that is some of the best medicine out there.

You are worth it, you are an amazing lady, a great friend and a beautiful human being. Remember God DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES! He created you and you are worthy, someone very precious, and someone I personally value very highly and love dearly!

 

[jimmduck]

Just popping in to say hi - pretty much back in the saddle! Things are better.

Still stressed about the surgery in three weeks (that is right, if all goes as scheduled, I will be in the hospital three weeks from tonight)

But I have decided not to do anything to stop it. I guess starting the new year "fixed" might not be a bad thing.

Went to gym tonight - found courage to go in = more tomorrow.

Computer had a virus, was off line all weekend, but back on.

Have a magical day.

Linda

 

[rubato]

Linda: Good luck with your surgery. I don't know if you posted what you are going in for, but I hope all goes well. I'm happy to hear that you walked into the gym. It's the hardest thing ever for some people. That's why I became a personal trainer a hundred years ago. I knew that the thought of the gym was so intimidating, that I thought people could come to my house and have an easier time (I'm not intimidating at all). How has the walking been going? It sounds like you have a very wise and wonderful person in your life (the one you are quoting). It's so important to have support and encouragement.
Keep up with the posting.

 

[jimmduck]

Linda: Good luck with your surgery. I don't know if you posted what you are going in for, but I hope all goes well. I'm happy to hear that you walked into the gym. It's the hardest thing ever for some people. That's why I became a personal trainer a hundred years ago. I knew that the thought of the gym was so intimidating, that I thought people could come to my house and have an easier time (I'm not intimidating at all). How has the walking been going? It sounds like you have a very wise and wonderful person in your life (the one you are quoting). It's so important to have support and encouragement.
Keep up with the posting.

Thanks so much for dropping by !

I have had a real block lately because I have felt so bad. The surgery is hernia repair. I had emergency, potentially life saving surgery in March, 2010 after being sick for two years. I had an umbilical hernia that was strangulating my small intestine. It was weird because it kept popping in and out. When it was in, I was wretchedly ill. When out, I was fine.

It killed a portion of it so about six inches had to be cut out and spliced together. The surgeon has continued to follow me because there was a great chance that another hernia could develop and it has - an insitional hernia to the right, high up in the stomach.

That is what needs fixing - preventative and elective and terrifying to me. The whole thought of going back in that hospital is enough to make me physically ill. It is scheduled for December 13th - we will see what happens.

It is the best time of year to have it work wise and my husband is home now, so also good.

We will see. It would also be nice to start the new year "fixed" and able to jump back into my training with earnest. But I am scared, very scared.

I sooo wish I did not have to do it. I hate doctors and tests. I just wish they would all leave me alone. I also have to get a chest CT in January as they found a tiny spot on my right lung while doing the abdominal scan (looking for the hernia) last January. I found out about that by chance when my family doc just happened to mention it - the surgeon, who ordered the scan, did not mention it.

I just wish we did not have to do these things. My grandma lived to be 90 and I doubt she ever saw a doctor except when sick or having babies. These "preventative tests" and procedures are worrisome to me.

Oh well.

On the plus side, I am emotionally much better though it can be hard to focus at times. A snow day today - my assistant sent me home after court due to weather and I am glad she did. Thankful I have the flexibility and portability.

I can work here.

And I am.

I have had a terrible mental block at the gym though - just could not bring myself to get out of the car and go in for weeks for some reason and I am avoiding the scale like the plague (though I am feeling a bit smaller in the waist). I will try to get on by the first of December, but when you have an eating disorder (as anyone with one will tell you) you gotta watch that scale, and that number. It can really put you on a slide.

And I am careful to keep Scar in his cage and not give him a key or tease him by hitting him with a stick.

There is just no excuse to practice an eating disorder, just none at all!

And I need to remember that.

There is a tendency, at this time of the year, to just "slide" into the new year.

You know - we can "wait til after the holidays" or it can be your new year's resolution, or, in my case, "after my surgery".

But all we have is today. My surgery may not happen til the new year - who knows?

We have live today - each day as it comes. It is, after all, the only thing we really and truly have.

See next post for today's reading...

Linda