Some days, I just hate Asperger's...

[mousescrapper]

I think that labeling the kids cruel because they don't come to your house asking to play with your son a big cop-out. YOU need to make arrangements for your son. YOU could find a support group where there could be other children with the same interests and abilities as your child. Have you taken the time to meet the parents of the kids you want your son to be asked to play with? Have you invited families over to get to know you and your son?

I agree with that!! I have done that too!

Clarification:

YES! I know both families on our culd-a-sac well, several of our kids go to school together, one mom car-pooled my DS and his twin DD to school after the birth of my baby.

I'm sorry that came across that way. I don't think of these boys as neccessarily cruel and I wasn't "labeling" them. I'm not trying to blame them for my son's lack of friends. I was just ditto-ing the frustration that seemed present on this thread from other parents of their children who have trouble making or maintaining friends.

I was expressing my son's inability to play sports sometimes feels like a hinderence to him in making friends. And because he, my son, was unable to have a good time with these boys, it's now non-existent. We did try and encourage him to play, even did talk with the mom's but I can't force him or the other boys to change who they are or what they like. Some kids just like sports and others don't.

My girls both play with the girls of those same families.

I never want to offend anyone in any comment or opinion I ever express on these boards. This is suppose to be fun.

I do want to find some other boys from my son's school he has similair interests in that he can play with and yes I do want to help my son make some friends. And yes I'd like to find a social pragmatics group he could get involved in.

It may be easy to say "YOU do it", but it is not always that simple....

once agian not juding you or anyone, was just mentioning my sometimes sadness and frustration with the situation at times for my DS and having/making friends with a social-disabilitiy.

 

[KathyRN137]

I think that labeling the kids cruel because they don't come to your house asking to play with your son a big cop-out. YOU need to make arrangements for your son. YOU could find a support group where there could be other children with the same interests and abilities as your child. Have you taken the time to meet the parents of the kids you want your son to be asked to play with? Have you invited families over to get to know you and your son?

It may not have been your intention, but this post comes across as a bit rough. It's sometimes difficult to determine just how the words are being said. Unlike a conversation, there is no way to tell by looking at facial expression and body language, or by hearing the tone in a person's voice.

However, placing the YOU in all capitals indicates that you are putting verbal EMPHASIS on the word. If you care to re-read the post, you may find it's tone comes across as quite accusatory.

There is a big difference between giving advice and handing out accusations. We are all hurting enough in our daily lives without getting bashed even more on a Disney message board. This board is supposed to be sharing information and support with each other, not about putting each other down.

I enjoy the community here and would like to see it remain a safe and friendly harbor for all those struggling with disabilities.

Kathy

 

[meriann]

Clarification:

YES! I know both families on our culd-a-sac well, several of our kids go to school together, one mom car-pooled my DS and his twin DD to school after the birth of my baby.

I'm sorry that came across that way. I don't think of these boys as neccessarily cruel and I wasn't "labeling" them. I'm not trying to blame them for my son's lack of friends. I was just ditto-ing the frustration that seemed present on this thread from other parents of their children who have trouble making or maintaining friends.

I was expressing my son's inability to play sports sometimes feels like a hinderence to him in making friends. And because he, my son, was unable to have a good time with these boys, it's now non-existent. We did try and encourage him to play, even did talk with the mom's but I can't force him or the other boys to change who they are or what they like. Some kids just like sports and others don't.

My girls both play with the girls of those same families.

I never want to offend anyone in any comment or opinion I ever express on these boards. This is suppose to be fun.

I do want to find some other boys from my son's school he has similair interests in that he can play with and yes I do want to help my son make some friends. And yes I'd like to find a social pragmatics group he could get involved in.

It may be easy to say "YOU do it", but it is not always that simple....

once agian not juding you or anyone, was just mentioning my sometimes sadness and frustration with the situation at times for my DS and having/making friends with a social-disabilitiy.

mousescrapper, don't feel bad, you have done nothing wrong. You know just as well as most of these mom's that you can indroduce you kid to others till you are blue in the face but once the kids lose intrest that IT, there is very little you can do to help things out.

I think that is the hardest part of being a mom, watching your kids struggle and towing that line of letting them work it out vs. stepping in. Hang in there!

 

[Schmeck]

But calling kids cruel because they have different interests and play levels is OK? Making it sound like it is all the other kids' fault is OK? Of course it would be the best thing in the world if all kids played together equally, but that's totally unrealistic. And it is the parents' responsibility, 100% the parents' responsibility, to create and encourage and invest in their child's needs.

It is never any other child's responsibility to be anything but a child. Children are by nature full of their own needs, and only over years of maturing do they see beyond themselves. I would never blame a child for not wanting to be friends with another child. Mousescrapper clarified her position quite nicely.

I have seen a trend on this board where parents make statements that other children should be assigned to help their special needs kid, or should do this or that for their child. I find that totally unacceptable, and if anyone tried that with my children I'd be talking to them with a capitalized YOU as well.

I have raised my children to respect all people of all different backgrounds, needs, skills, talents, etc. If they choose to assist anyone, it is up to them, but I have never demanded them to. I lead by example, working in our local high school with some wonderful students of varying abilities. Never once have I ever treated those students as anyone besides an individual and an equal, because that is what we all are - equals.

So when someone suggests that their child deserves to have another child help him/her, I just see that as totally wrong. That's what we adults are here to do. If another child does it on his own free will, that's fabulous. To blame another child because he/she is not willing to play with your child is cruel.

I also understand the pain and frustration parents of children with any disability feel. My god-child just passed away last month, at the age of 3, from cardiac arrest. She had multiple physical disabilities. She had just started pre-school.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

OK Folks

This started off as a very reasonable venting. If you have something positive to add, fine. If you disagree with something that has been said, please indicate why you disagree and your thoughts.

However, Please Don't Shoot The Messengers!

 

[honugirl]

On the sports thing, have any of you considered trying to find someone like a "big brother" to "tutor" your child in football, basketball, etc.? Maybe some one on one time trying to learn a sport would help them grasp the concepts enough to be able to play with other children. I referee ice hockey and as a more experienced official, I mentor the new officials. When I do this, I shadow them on the ice for the first few games and point out where to go and what to do, maybe you could find someone to do that for your child during games with the neighborhood kids?

I also used to coach Special Olympics Ice Skating and we had some severly autistic children that actually did very well and started grasping the concepts after a ton of repetition. Maybe an individual sport like that would benefit your child because there aren't so many rules, yet there is still a "team" (such as in speed skating, you compete alone, but practice and travel as a team)? I know where I live several of the figure skating coaches also coach in the Special Olympics Figure Skating program as well as coaching children and adults, so they have experience working with a wide variety of individuals.

I'm not autistic or aspergers, but I do have ADD and it can still be really hard for me to relate and interact with others. Sports is the only way I know how to do that so I know how important that can be to someone! Good luck!

 

[Schmeck]

Special Olympics is a great organization - I know a couple of students who have a had a very successful, wonderful experience with them. It's also a great place to meet people who might know of other resources available in your community.

 

[arubalisa]

I do want to find some other boys from my son's school he has similair interests in that he can play with and yes I do want to help my son make some friends. And yes I'd like to find a social pragmatics group he could get involved in.

We wish the same for our dd, but living in a rural area makes it even more difficult. This post does have me thinking though...I do not advocate the idea of "buying" your children's friends, but the book, "Parenting Your Asperger Child: Individualized Solutions for Teaching Your Child Practical Skills" gives a lot of suggestions on how to make your kid the "coolest kid on the block". Make other kids WANT to come over to your house.

 

[pcparamedics01]

Clarification:

YES! I know both families on our culd-a-sac well, several of our kids go to school together, one mom car-pooled my DS and his twin DD to school after the birth of my baby.

I'm sorry that came across that way. I don't think of these boys as neccessarily cruel and I wasn't "labeling" them. I'm not trying to blame them for my son's lack of friends. I was just ditto-ing the frustration that seemed present on this thread from other parents of their children who have trouble making or maintaining friends.

I was expressing my son's inability to play sports sometimes feels like a hinderence to him in making friends. And because he, my son, was unable to have a good time with these boys, it's now non-existent. We did try and encourage him to play, even did talk with the mom's but I can't force him or the other boys to change who they are or what they like. Some kids just like sports and others don't.

My girls both play with the girls of those same families.

I never want to offend anyone in any comment or opinion I ever express on these boards. This is suppose to be fun.

I do want to find some other boys from my son's school he has similair interests in that he can play with and yes I do want to help my son make some friends. And yes I'd like to find a social pragmatics group he could get involved in.

It may be easy to say "YOU do it", but it is not always that simple....

once agian not juding you or anyone, was just mentioning my sometimes sadness and frustration with the situation at times for my DS and having/making friends with a social-disabilitiy.

I understood with what you said the first time. No need to be sorry! I totally understand your fustration. I am in the same boat.

 

[pcparamedics01]

I have raised my children to respect all people of all different backgrounds, needs, skills, talents, etc. If they choose to assist anyone, it is up to them, but I have never demanded them to. I lead by example, working in our local high school with some wonderful students of varying abilities. Never once have I ever treated those students as anyone besides an individual and an equal, because that is what we all are - equals.

So when someone suggests that their child deserves to have another child help him/her, I just see that as totally wrong. That's what we adults are here to do. If another child does it on his own free will, that's fabulous. To blame another child because he/she is not willing to play with your child is cruel.

QUOTE]
I can agree with not forcing a child to play with another and they need to be willing participants. I also would not want my son playing with a child that did not want to play with him. It is unhealthy for both children if one does not want to. This applies to typical children as well. I do not think that was the original posters intention. She was merely venting and her clarification explained it further with the "cruel" word.

However, I have alittle story for you regarding what you said above. And let me say I totally respect how you have raised you children. I have a typical 4 year old. She is a brillant child. She picks thing up right away if she sees a child that is off. One day there was a little boy in a wheelchair by himself. She was playing at the playground. She stopped what she was doing and asked me if she could go and talk to him. I said sure. She came back and said, Mommy he is sad can I play with him? I said of course. Now before I had known my son was ASD, my Mother would always tell me to always be extra kind and loving to Special needs kids and to always try to include them. That is just how I was brought up. My Mother never forced me but always told me it was the right thing to do, so I always did it. I have taught my children the same thing only my son ended up being special needs. I have never demanded my daugher to do something she does not want to do. I just hope she does the right thing and makes a good choice that is the difference.

 

[Kaler131]

My son is 10 and I thought he might be aspie or HFA, but the psychologist said DS was "too smart and expressive" to have that. He did say that he has anxiety and OCD. Maybe should get a second opinion. DS always has to know where we are going when we are out running errands. He wants to know what store we are going to, what we are going to get there, and the order which we are going to the different stores. If we do something out of order, he has meltdown. He gets so argumentative about everything.


He hasn't been invited to a birthday party in 2 years, and that year was only one time. He has one friend who is a girl that talks and talks and talks and I think she likes him because he will listen to her. She calls here to talk to him, he puts the phone on speaker and plays his video games and barely pays attention to her. He is so excited whenever she calls. He doesn't get any other calls from anyone else. Then, there is another boy in his class that is socially not accepted by the other boys, he seems more immature. He and DS get along good after DS learned about Pokemon (which that boy really likes).

That sounds just like my DS10. He has Aspergers and he is extremely intelligent. He was identified as "gifted" in math, reading, & music. He is just imature socially. His best friend is a girl, but he also has male friends. He does spend most of his free time outside of school with his female friend.
My DS4 also has Aspergers so I totally understand what you all are going through!

 

[Hasil72]

OK HFA/Aspie parents can anyone throw some advice my way?

DS is in mainstreamed second grade (with a PT one-on-one aide) and currently dx'd with HFA/Asperger's, ADHD, SID/SPD (call it what you wish), and mild anxiety. While we are making progress, and by progress I mean not locking himself in the bathroom or hiding under a desk after he has acted impulsively, I am failing to make the right choices for behavior modification.

If I try to use an incentive or prize, it backfires. If he makes a mistake during the school day, the rest of the day is a wash because he is so upset that he will not have earned the reward. And I don't want him to expect a prize for everything either. Yet, if I try taking things away, that hasn't worked well either.

For example, I got a call today from the Principal. Apparently at recess, DS wanted to play ball with the other boys. So after sitting and watching them, he joined in on defense and proceeded to hit one boy and punch another as he went for the ball. When questioned why he did it he replied, "I was just doing what the other kids were doing." Luckily, the Principal has been an advocate for DS and explained to me that she knew he had no ill intent but that he had "detention" today for making a poor choice and he was instructed to tell me when he gets home. Now, I don't know if it's the Asperger's or how he was raised, but DS just cannot lie so I know he will come home and tell me and be all upset that he didn't reach his goal of the day. Do I give a little reward for telling the truth as his teachers suggest or do nothing?

I know that he can't prevent all the things he does so where do I draw the line between holding him accountable and what he can't control? It has been a source of great debate between DH and I.

Any words of wisdom?

 

[pcparamedics01]

OK HFA/Aspie parents can anyone throw some advice my way?

DS is in mainstreamed second grade (with a PT one-on-one aide) and currently dx'd with HFA/Asperger's, ADHD, SID/SPD (call it what you wish), and mild anxiety. While we are making progress, and by progress I mean not locking himself in the bathroom or hiding under a desk after he has acted impulsively, I am failing to make the right choices for behavior modification.

If I try to use an incentive or prize, it backfires. If he makes a mistake during the school day, the rest of the day is a wash because he is so upset that he will not have earned the reward. And I don't want him to expect a prize for everything either. Yet, if I try taking things away, that hasn't worked well either.

For example, I got a call today from the Principal. Apparently at recess, DS wanted to play ball with the other boys. So after sitting and watching them, he joined in on defense and proceeded to hit one boy and punch another as he went for the ball. When questioned why he did it he replied, "I was just doing what the other kids were doing." Luckily, the Principal has been an advocate for DS and explained to me that she knew he had no ill intent but that he had "detention" today for making a poor choice and he was instructed to tell me when he gets home. Now, I don't know if it's the Asperger's or how he was raised, but DS just cannot lie so I know he will come home and tell me and be all upset that he didn't reach his goal of the day. Do I give a little reward for telling the truth as his teachers suggest or do nothing?

I know that he can't prevent all the things he does so where do I draw the line between holding him accountable and what he can't control? It has been a source of great debate between DH and I.

Any words of wisdom?

I have a son HFA 9 yrs old. I battled minor behavioral issues in Kindergarten. My son is in 4th now. My District called in a Behavioral Analyst to come in to observe and to offer suggestions. For example my son would go in and flush the toilet 50 times a day. He also screamed several times a day out of fustration. She came in and said that if he did not scream for 2 hours than 4 then for the whole day he got a prize. It worked. Then it was once a week of no screaming then it stopped. Then I had an issue with bees to the point he would not go out or scream if he saw one. We gradually got him outside again. He still has meltdown over this but again the reward system. Then there was the shower incident. He always takes baths. One day accidently the water came down on his head. It was frightening to him. From that point on he would not go into the bathtub at all. Rewards again. If he put his foot in a prize, then both feet, and then body all overcome by rewards. Go to the dollar store get some things you know he likes. Show it to him before he goes into school. Tell him now if you keep your hands to yourself all day, when you get out of school you can have this. If it still happens after that. Get a Behavioral Analyst right away. You don't want it to get worse. They will put him in a self contained class if it is not controlled.

 

[Hasil72]

We've actually had two of them, one in pre-K and one last year in first grade. Of course, both observations were on really good days. Last year, I came up with "the notebook" idea. DS is obsessive about adult approval so I thought that we could try to capitalize on that a little. I write a series of daily yes or no questions corresponding to whatever impulsive behaviors are currently an issue. For example, we found that when DS wears earplugs, he speaks at a much more appropriate level so one question is "Did you wear your earplugs and speak softly?" or "Did you start your work when you were asked?" etc. At the end of each day, he sits with the teacher and they answer them so that he knows that he is responsible for his behavior. I review the book each night and issue a reward based on the number of yes'. His teachers also use the reward system issuing computer time, etc. as needed. I'm just nervous because now he thinks that almost everything deserves a reward.

Luckily, physical outbursts are not common for DS and everyone agrees that he needs to be in a mainstream classroom as he tends to emulate whatever behaviors surround him appropriate or not.

Thanks for the advice. I'll keep with the rewards and see what happens.

 

[pcparamedics01]

I'm just nervous because now he thinks that almost everything deserves a reward.

I am in the same boat!!!

 

[Hasil72]

Thanks! I feel better that it's not just me.

 

[pcparamedics01]

Thanks! I feel better that it's not just me.

I am prize poor!! However it keeps him happy...

 

[Hasil72]

I am prize poor!! However it keeps him happy...

Don't I know it! Although recently Pokemon cards are working out well. I buy the cards then hand out a couple at a time as a reward. He knows I have them but he can't see what cards I have so that it's always a surprise when he earns one.

 

[pcparamedics01]

Don't I know it! Although recently Pokemon cards are working out well. I buy the cards then hand out a couple at a time as a reward. He knows I have them but he can't see what cards I have so that it's always a surprise when he earns one.

Great idea! I will have to try some other cards for he is not into Pokemon. Thanks

 

[packetminnie]

Hi. My DS 10 was diagnosed today with Asperer's. He has ADHD,ASD and a visual processing disorder. One of the things the dr said we were doing that she definitely wanted him to continue is cub scouts. Have any of you tried scouting?