Son w/Asperger's started middle school- Update Page 6

[Luv Bunnies]

My 12 year old son has Asperger's and started middle school yesterday and I'm already frustrated! And the problem is that I started taking steps to avoid this frustration months ago (or at least I thought I did).

My son tends to be very disorganized. He doesn't write things down and he doesn't sweat details that he deems unimportant. He was OK in elementary school because he had a teacher for 4th and 5th grade who went above and beyond in trying to keep him on track. With all the class switching and additional resonsibility of middle school, I strongly felt he would need a one-on-one aide, at least for the first few months to get him into the groove. I had written recommendations from his psychologist and psychiatrist and backing from his classroom teacher and resource teacher. The special ed. director saw it differently. He told me his decision had nothing to do with money or resources, just with what the student needs. So you'd think my son's case would be a no-brainer and he would be assigned an aide with so many people in agreement. Nope, didn't happen! The resource people were supposed to take turns sitting in his class for the first 4 periods of the day and for the first 2 days of school, that didn't happen (I don't know why - the principal is checking into it).

So yesterday, my son couldn't tell me whether he needed his P.E. clothes or not. He didn't remember what the coach had said about bringing them. So, I decided to send them in his backpack just in case. He had a brand new shirt, shorts, shoes and lock in a plastic bag. He took them to P.E., only to find out he didn't need them until Monday. But, afterschool when I picked him up, the bag was nowhere to be found. He couldn't remember what he did with them after leaving the locker room. I had to try to retrace his steps with him. We tried lost and found and his homeroom. I finally went to the principal who paged the coach who didn't know where they were. I guess I barked at the principal a little and said, "This is exactly why he needs an aide!" She was part of the decision not to give him one. She didn't have much to say at that point.

We finally found them in his elective classroom next to the desk he sat in and only because that teacher happened by and said she thought there was a bag in her classroom.

My husband is ready to get a lawyer. My son is totally capable of handling the classroom work. He just really needs help with organization, focus and sometimes behavior. I think an aide is a proactive way to help him get on track. By the time the teacher has to stop the class to remind him about something, it's become a negative situation. Now my son feels bad that he lost his clothes and thinks he's stupid. He always gets down on himself when he forgets something important but it's not his fault.

Thanks for letting me vent. The other problem is that I work at another school in the district in a special ed class so the special ed director that controls resources for my son is also my boss. I'm trying to keep my job separate from the situation with my son and I hope he will too. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Forevryoung]

I am about to enter the world of "determining need" (still a masters student) and it is complex at best and horrific at worst.

I can see both sides- on one hand, it would be great for someone to stay with your son all day as a one-on-one and keep him organized and focused. But in the majority of cases, that is not what they are used for in most school districts (and in most school districts, you would not be provided a one on one for that reason). I'm not saying i agree or disagree with that, it's just the way the fight goes.

On the other hand, a one-on-one can be seen as somewhat detrimental to your son's social situation. Especially in middle school as kids get older, they will shy away from anyone who is with an adult- adults aren't "cool" and if there is one always hanging around your son, it's going to make the social scene (which is probably already difficult) worse.

Kids forget their gym clothes all the time, they lose things all the time. It's part of being a kid (I know it happens to your son more often than other kids but still that's how the school will view it).

I know you had a great rapport with his prior elementary school teacher- now is the time to develop a relationship with his new middle school teachers. In this day and age, email may be a great way to keep in touch depending on the teacher.

Here are some other suggestions I have heard from parents: put into his IEP that the teachers need to contact you by phone or email a week prior to any assignment or exam due date, while the date may change, at least you have a week heads up to assist your son.

Make sure your son has a date or agenda book of some kind to write homework down in for every class. He has to write "NONE" during class if there isn't any (so it becomes routine). You can have his teachers initial next to their class homework so that you are sure it is written correctly and your son actually wrote it down.

Have one folder for all paperwork and homework assignments- make it a bright color and tell the teacher which one it is. If something is handed out to go home, it is to go in that singular folder which remains with your son all day. That way you can check one folder when your son gets home and empty it yourself- deeming what is important and what isn't.

You and the teachers can take steps together without a one-on-one to assist your son in organization skills. If your son "needs" (in the eyes of the school) a one-on-one, the teachers he has currently will be of assistance to prove that need.

Sorry this is so long, I wish you the best of luck. It shouldn't be such a fight, it only hurts the kids in the long run.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Yep, we're still trying to figure out different methods to use to keep him organized. So far in just 3 days of school, we had the lost clothes incident, 2 assignments coming home without due dates (one of which was due the next day and he didn't do it thinking it was due next week) and one assignment with a due date but no instructions other than a vague title. These are the kind of things that will keep happening. The teachers can be asked to make sure his work and dates are explained in detail, but with 36 kids in their rooms I just can't see it happening everytime.

The other problem is his classroom behavior and that's a major reason for his needing an aide. He gets bored, frustrated, blurts things out, refuses to work, etc. By the time the teacher has to stop the class to talk to him, the behavior has gone too far and it's hard to get him back on track. An aide could recognize the behavior before it elevates and help him calm down.

I told the administrators I was willing to have him share an aide with other kids who also have needs (physical, behavorial, etc.). They are plenty of kids in his grade level who need extra help. The aide wouldn't have to be hanging out with my son all the time - just be available for him and any other special ed kids who need it. It's a tough situation to be in. If I thought the teacher would be willing and able to take the time each and every day to check his organization, I would be all for it but I just don't see it happening. In our district, they always give you a good line at the IEP and half of what they said never ends up happening. My son even missed an entire year of occupational therapy because the psych insisted he was exited from the OT program when he wasn't. At the end of that year she said, "Oops, my bad, he was supposed to be getting OT." So, there's a long history that I'm dealing with. I'm trying to be positive and hoping everything is straightened out soon!

 

[XYSRUS]

Wow. You are living my future nightmare. My 10 yo will be in middle school next year. There is so much back and forth between classes I know he'll get lost/disorganized. Then he'll get so upset, he'll meltdown. Oh G#d. I, too will push for an aide-just til he gets the routine. We'll see. In the meantime for you I hope things get better. And don't forget-It's ALL about money. Good luck to you nad your son.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Wow. You are living my future nightmare. My 10 yo will be in middle school next year. There is so much back and forth between classes I know he'll get lost/disorganized. Then he'll get so upset, he'll meltdown. Oh G#d. I, too will push for an aide-just til he gets the routine. We'll see. In the meantime for you I hope things get better. And don't forget-It's ALL about money. Good luck to you nad your son.

I hope it doesn't turn out to be a nightmare for you too! My advice is that if your foresee any problems at all for your son, start asking for help early. It can take months for the district to figure out what (if anything) they're willing to do. We started talking at his IEP in June and things still aren't settled. I heard from the resource teacher today (a Saturday!) that he's trying to get all the teachers on board to help my son keep track of homework due dates and materials he'll need at home to do the work. If this really happens, it will be a step forward. I'm still trying to stay positive. Hope things work out for your son!

 

[I Love Pluto]

My son (now 33) did not have the option for an aide (schools didn't do this in his generation). One very intelligent guidance counsellor paired him up with two students to be his "buddies" throughout the day. They were fantastic with him. I will be forever grateful to them.

Perhaps your son's school could arrange something like this? Good luck to you, and to your son.

 

[melomouse]

LuvBunnies -
I so feel your pain and wanted to send . My Asperger's son is 15 1/2 and got his aide in 3rd grade mid-year after his lack of coordination and rigidity had him pushing desks out of the way to get on line. The desks got pushed into one little girl. It was the day after that I pointedly addressed the Coordinator of Special Ed, who'd consistently argued against an aide, and said, "Hmmm.. sounds like without an aide, my DS might even be a danger to himself or others".

His aide was in the classroom within 5 days.

 

[missypie]

My Aspie is now 16. His middle school had an "Inclusion Teacher." The one for 6th grade was fabulous. She was shared by all the mainstreamed kids. She went around to all of his classes and wrote down his assignments; last period she would slip into his class and they would "compare notes" and she would make sure he had written down all asignments. It worked out well. (In 7th and 8th grade it was a joke, because those inclusion teachers sat in their offices all day and never made any effort to find out what his assignments were.)

Does you district have "Notebook" or "Skyward" or any of the other programs that lets parents basically log onto the teacher's grade and assignment book? I've been lobbying for that for years and we finally got it last spring....it is fantastic, because you can see things like incompletes and chase down the homework.

Another thing our district does is to require each teacher to have a web site. They all technically do; some aren't updated, but I'd say that at least half put all of the assignments on their web sites. You might look into that.

Please continue to be the squeaky wheel!

I must admit that I had to laugh about the gym clothes. When DS was in 6th grade, he was able to buy one set of gym clothes at registration, and the other set was on back order. They were delivered the second week of school and we never saw them....they were lost immediately. Within a month after school started, of the two t-shirts and two pair of shorts we paid for, he had exactly one t-shirt left. We were just teasing him about that last night, since DD11 just started middle school yesterday.

 

[Schmeck]

Forevryoung has wonderful suggestions. We use many of them in our programs at the middle school level in my school district. When the kids get to the high school level, they have great organizing skills.

Students cannot be assigned to assist other students. It's not legal, it's not fair for those kids to bear that responisibilty. What happens if something goes wrong? Are the kids to be blamed? Of course there are those great kids that help out without being asked, but you can't ask a kid to constantly help another one. They tried to get my oldest daughter to assist another student in her biology class. I told her to tell them no. They constantly sat her next to this boy, and was very needy, and she couldn't get her work done.

Other student's 1-1 cannot assist with extra students. That violates the IEP. Just had a 4 hour seminar about that.

Your best bet would be to have a meeting, see if you can get his IEP changed in some way, and work with him at home as best you can. Can you give him some organizing jobs at home for practice? Make him responsible for certain things - even have him keep a folder at home with things he needs to do (make bed, check, empty dishwasher, check) to get him used to keeping a work folder.

 

[eliza61]

Could it be that he's not ready to be mainstreamed in middle school. This happened to my son. In elementary school, putting him in a mainstream class room worked really well. Class sizes were smaller, he wasn't the only one having meltdowns, most of the classes had aides assigned to the class. In middle school, unfortunately it was a much harder transition. First, he had to get use to changing classrooms, going to a locker, getting enough books for the 1st half of the day, etc, etc. It was just too much for my poor kid to handle. We had the IEP changed, he was put in special ed classes (same material, but they were much smaller- only 15 kids), teachers knew how to help organize the kids, etc. Now he is in the 8 th grade and back in a main streamed class. Now that he knows the routine, he can handle it a lot better. We still have some of the same problems (unorganized, easily frustrated) but he is better equiped at handling it.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Wow. Thanks for all the great responses and ideas and to those who shared their own stories.

We're still struggling after 6 days of school. My son is not writing down assignments. He's not remembering the details of the assignment when there's no worksheet or assignment sheet. Our hands are tied at home when it comes to helping him with his homework since we don't know what he's supposed to be doing. Each teacher has a homework hotline that was suppose to be functioning this week. And guess what? You call the number and it just says call back next week for the homework hotline. "Next week" was supposed to be this week.

I'm now feeling like I was lied to at the IEP 2 weeks ago. The Advisory period is turning out not to be what was described by the principal in the meeting. I sent her an e-mail 2 days ago nicely asking her to explain how it's supposed to work and I still haven't received a reply (she said in the meeting that the Advisory teacher would be able to check his planner and would have access to all the other teacher's assignments - not true according to his Advisory teacher). All of his teachers were supposed to be briefed by the psych before school started and none of them were. None of the teachers know what level of support he requires. The resource aide is supposed to be devoting 4 hours a day to my son but the resource teacher told her not to go to his classrooms. Instead, he pops in a few times a day to check on him but it's not really helping. He said he's working on getting his schedule together so he can show the director that his group doesn't have 4 hours a day to devote to my son. So already the IEP is being violated.

My son is definitely capable of handling the work on an intellectual level. I've seen some of the students in the special ed class and they're a lot lower than he is. Kids are supposed to be placed in the "least restrictive environment." The special ed director said giving him an aide would be too restrictive. So putting him in special ed would definitely be too restrictive. But letting him flounder on his own isn't the answer either.

The latest news is that the principal is leaving the school - and they just announced this during the 2nd week of school? The asst principal is moving up and I actually find her to be much more approachable and personable than the current principal. I'm going to give her a call, explain the situation and see what she recommends we do. I think a meeting with all of the teachers to really explain what my son needs would do the trick. I'm hoping we can do this soon! My anxiety level can't possibly get any higher over this!!!

 

[Schmeck]

Just wanted to send you pixie dust and positive vibes ~~~~ that the new principal actually 'gets it' and your son's needs are met! It sounds like you have the right tools in his IEP, the school is not following through. Is there a Special Ed. director for your school district? In my school district the principal is not the one to contact/enforce the IEP, we have a special education department to handle that.

 

[Forevryoung]

I definitely agree with Shmeck, that you have a propper IEP in place and if it was being followed, things would be fine- but because of school politics (eg. resource teacher) your son is being left to falter.

Can you schedule a meeting before school with everyone (teachers, resource staff, psych...) to get everyone on the same page?

Keep making those phone calls and good luck.

 

[missypie]

Can you schedule a meeting before school with everyone (teachers, resource staff, psych...) to get everyone on the same page?

That is what I was going to suggest. When DS was in middle school, at the beginning of each year, we would have a meeting of all of his teachers....not a formal IEP, just a meeting. We would talk about him and his strengths, weaknesses, tendencies. It was very helpful and most of the teachers were great, once they understood DS better.

One bonus is that we could see each teacher in person and read his or her attitude. For example, in 8th grade, his Albegra teacher had the attitude of "a child in a pre-AP level class should not receive any special accomodations." We could tell by her attitude at the meeting that it was up to us to made sure he succeeded, so we hired a local high school student to tutor him every single week.

Another thing that I did when DS was in middle school was to assemble a notebook of articles about Asperger's and give each teacher a copy. (Yes, I'm a bit compulsive.) Many teachers don't understand Asperger's and some have never heard of it. (I was a Special Ed. major in the late seventies in a nationally ranked program, and at that time, no one knew that Asperger's existed and autisim was so baffling that we only spent half a class period on it....so I know that if I didn't learn about AS in school, teachers my age didn't either.)

DS is in 11th grade now. I don't compile notebooks anymore, but I do email each teacher, attaching a few well chosen articles about Aspergers. I am especially worried about his Pre-Calc teacher, who apparently has a "no late homework, no extra credit, no second chances" policy. DS doesn't need a lot of accomodations these days, but he DOES need a few second chances along the way.

 

[missypie]

I'll add one more thought...the Special Ed staff at the school is not always your advocate or ally in these meetings. Both in 7th grade and in 8th grade, the staff trieed to ARD DS out of getting any special services. Some other staff member (e.g. the diagnostician) would always come to his defense, but often the Sp. Ed staff was unhelpful.

I think it was because DS is so smart. Lots of the special ed staff members spend their days with kids who are much more severely challenged than our sons...if you are working with a 6th grader who cannot speak to express his needs, then the parents who want their son to get special help so he can make a 95 on a test instead of an 80 are going to come off as pretty demanding.

Try to figure out who in the school - be it a special ed teacher, regular ed teacher, or administrator - is going to be on your child's side, and work with him or her.

 

[Hasil72]

I'm so sorry that you have to be caught in such a difficult position with your supervisor in charge of your son's modifications. I am wishing on stars for you. What about a shared aide?

I learned so much this past year about the "system". DS (just turned 8) has been classified for 4 years with Asperger's, ADHD, sensory integration disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. His case manager was the worst. After attending a self contained pre-K for 2 years and LLD Kindergarten, they decided to mainstream him. Told me he was ready and I agreed that he needed to be with his peers to assist with the socialization issues as he tends to emulate his classmates' behaviors. Believe it ot not, they sent him with NO modifications at all. What a nightmare it was! He was so overwhelmed that we were back at step one plus experiencing behaviors that we never had before like locking himself in the bathroom or hiding under the desk. He had the highest cognative level in the class (as a lot of ASD kids do) but was not able to cope with his surroundings enough to apply it.

Anyway, long story short, I learned that my CST was not going to offer any solutions that would imply they made a mistake. Luckily, the Principal really advocates for kids, and was able to juggle some schedules to provide DS with a "shared time" aide. Last year it was only a few days a week for maybe 2 hours at a time but this year it will be daily for 3 hours each day. And your exactly right, they provide support when needed, they can advise on appropriate behaviors/social skills, and try to prevent or at least try to conatin any potential meltdowns. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you get results quickly and hope that they don't feel they can intimidate you thinking you'll fear repercussions from your Director.

Thanks for the OP, I learn so much more from other Dis'ers than I have from all the docs and therapists.

 

[missypie]

Just remember that even if the folks at school start dreading calls from you, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING by addressing this early in the school year. DS has a friend whose AS is much more severe than his. His parents always seem to be behind the curve...REACTING once a bad thing has occured, rather than being proactive.

It's a lot of work but you are very much on the right track.

 

[Schmeck]

I think it was because DS is so smart. Lots of the special ed staff members spend their days with kids who are much more severely challenged than our sons...if you are working with a 6th grader who cannot speak to express his needs, then the parents who want their son to get special help so he can make a 95 on a test instead of an 80 are going to come off as pretty demanding.

This is a way to alienate your child even more from his peers, especially in high school - if a child can pass a class without assistance (as in getting an 80, not a 20) but is receiving assistance and second/third chances when the rest of the class is not, it will be very hard for the other kids to accept him. And yes, they know about it. They notice who doesn't hand in the homework on time but still passes the class, who gets extra time, all of it. I've heard the kids complain to teachers, I've heard them tell the poor kid off, and I've seen them be cruel in the lunchroom. So think very carefully about what you want for your child, and what is the most important aspect of his time in high school before making certain demands and requests.

It's happened in our middle school too. During one of our honors ceremonies, questions were raised by parents about two students who participated. It was sad to hear those comments.

 

[missypie]

This is a way to alienate your child even more from his peers, especially in high school - if a child can pass a class without assistance (as in getting an 80, not a 20) but is receiving assistance and second/third chances when the rest of the class is not, it will be very hard for the other kids to accept him. And yes, they know about it. They notice who doesn't hand in the homework on time but still passes the class, who gets extra time, all of it. I've heard the kids complain to teachers, I've heard them tell the poor kid off, and I've seen them be cruel in the lunchroom. So think very carefully about what you want for your child, and what is the most important aspect of his time in high school before making certain demands and requests.

It's happened in our middle school too. During one of our honors ceremonies, questions were raised by parents about two students who participated. It was sad to hear those comments.

That is a whole 'nuther HUGE can of worms. I had a friend who taught at a high school and had recently participated in a conference where the administration was attempting to remove special services from a junior who was No. 2 in his class. He had a diagnosis, he had an IEP that had been followed over the years...but the unspoken thing was that the administration knew that the other parents (and kids?) would have a fit if the Salutatorian was the boy who always got extra time for tests.

I think I would have hired an attorney if I had been those parents. If a blind kid or a deaf kid was Salutatorian, everyone would stand up and cheer at graduation, no matter how many accomodations the child had (rightfully) received thoughout the years. But if a child with an "invisible" neurological condition beats out all the other kids but one on grades, then the other parents cry foul about the accomodations.

By the way, DS has zero accomodations in high school. We talk to the teachers about his Asperger's, but he has no IEP.

 

[AC7179]

I think the problem exists when a kid with accomodations is at the top of the class because without those accomodations, the student would still be doing very well (most likely.) So, the question arises regarding the intentions of accomodations. Are they meant to help a student pass and meet the requirements of the class, or are they meant to help a student be at the top of his or her class?

I don't know.......I see both sides. If a kid does well without accomodations, then I think it's best to go without them. On the other hand, I see the opposing side as well.