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[pixiewings71]

LOL, thanks pixie and pinkbudgie, I know I usually always have a sense of humor about it, whenever I tell the story (it's hard to express humor on the internet) I always make it funny and everything. Honestly, the whole thing doesn't bother me as much as I express in this post, lol, it was just the cheek thing that had me a bit weirded out, and when she said, "I'd date him!" Yup, just a bit weird!

Whatever, I have my trip to look forward to. I'm getting dbf a Segway Tour as a surprise!

FTR, I don't care about my "adult time" enough to move out. *sheesh*

LOL sweetie, I'm 38 and I care enough about mine to not want to live with DBF's parents! LOL It's important for you guys to have alone time, whether sex is involved or not, it's still very important to your relationship. DBF and I try to get "away" by ourselves (no kids, no dogs, no cats, no worries) every few months. It's usually just a weekend but it's still really nice to do. It's good for a relationship.

 

[prncssmel]

LifeIsTinkIsLife, from experience, I am so glad you talked to him about it. While I have never lived with my in-laws, I have had the experience of constant phone calls and obesessiveness - not fun.

I agree about moving out but understand why you are holding off on it. While all of the stuff will likely never go away, having separate space definitely helps, especially for your DBF to notice how she is treating him.

 

[LifeIsTinkIsLife]

no

 

[pixiewings71]

I'm glad things are getting better and his Dad knows now. When Mom's become obsessed with their sons it's not healthy for anyone. Are you both in school? Enjoy those DLR trips while you can, but remember, even if you have to take less or even quit going for a while DLR will still be there when things get more financially stable for you.

 

[bumbershoot]

I don't know, I think my perspective is a bit different here.... And it's a pretty serious perspective.

First, if my brother had been 19 with a 17 year old girlfriend there is NO CHANCE in anywhere that my mom would have been a part of financially letting him go on a trip with her. I don't know the laws in AZ, but I know it wouldn't have flown in my mom's house. And since you guys are living in her house, that's making your financial lives combined with her. I think that maybe some missed the fact that your boyfriend was 19 with that trip, which put you at 17.


Now, my mom got married at 17. Not the best move, as he became abusive a few years later and continued to terrorize us for a few years after they divorced when she was 25 and he was 27. When they were together, his family didn't say anything bad, but his sibs rallied around her once they were divorced, telling her that he'd always been the bad seed. Helpful info after the fact, eh? She told me that he stood her up on their first date, and that she should have known then...

But I mention the early marriage part to show that my mom wasn't just against relationships while young; she had done it (though she only married him to get out of her house...it wasn't going to be allowed any other way).

I went off to college at 17, and my mom was a HUGE part of my life until she died when I was 30. I called her all the time, she was very involved. So I don't mind if a guy's mom is involved with her son's life. Now, my mother in law is MEAN about it, and makes no sense, and doesn't listen to what a person says and makes up what she wants to hear (and sometimes what she wants to hear is negative things, which is strange), but if she were like my own mom about things, I wouldn't care if she called often.

As for pinching his cheeks, eh. I have 3 younger brothers, and their moms definitely might have done that, but really, they would NOT have wanted to hear how they are "mean" in a silly conversation.

And honestly, if my mom heard a girlfriend says that her son was "mean", that would be a HUGE red flag for her, and she would want to know more, to see if he was following in his father's footsteps. Same with my stepmom! In fact, one of the half-brothers got into big trouble b/c his big temper came up against his then-girlfriend's big temper, and they got into a mutual, equal (same size) fight. Only HE got arrested. (I hate that) So my stepmom knows well that her oldest son can be mean, but she knows where that comes from, and honestly, if a guy is being MEAN, I'd get out now!

Sounds like your boyfriend's mother is going the other way, and I would strongly urge you to NOT go down that road with her. Just don't talk about him with her. I know that in 16 years I would have a problem with a girlfriend of my son's talking about how he's mean. I'd tell her that if he's mean, get out. We'll pay for his counseling and anger management, but no girlfriends while going through it. A 21 year old man being "mean" is serious business in my family; in my husband's family too (he also comes from a household with abuse in it) and it requires SERIOUS attention. Not silly conversations at a restaurant.


If I were somehow in your shoes, I'd stop the disney trips, save up all that money, and move into a separate place. Period. If she bugs you, you guys need to move out. It's much easier to live your own life when you are, actually, living your OWN life.

 

[robinb]

I'm not sure if this is the right board but I need to get something off my chest. Dbf's mom is a little too... (can't think of the right word so I'll use a few) attatched/clingy/involved with my boyfriend. I always had a hunch but the last few days have just plain creeped me out.

Ok a little background. We live at his parents house and I am being "raised" a whole new way from the way I was raised at my mom's. For one, there is no such thing as privacy or "alone time." She has come in our room at 11pm to "look for the dog," whom she knows is always in our room. I have always thought that "grown ups" assume teenagers are "getting jiggy with it" at all hours of the day... So why would she even think to come in so late? We weren't doing anything, but still. And when the chance came up for me to take dbf on a free vacation on his first trip to DLR, she said NO. Flat out no. He asked her 100 times and she had no reason but the answer was no. So finally he asked his dad, who said there would be no problem with it since he was 19 years old at the time . Naturally, he had a great time! Every time we go she gets really emotional and asks us how we afford it (which, if we make our own money, should just be none of her business, you know? We just SAVE $$!). Another thing is that she is SO needy. She asks everyone to do everything. She doesn't do anything on her own. We have to run to the grocery store, rent movies, even buy her lottery tickets. I came from a family which everyone does their own thing, and I am not used to this.

Any who, the last few days I have gotten very irritated with her. I almost feel like a jealous vibe from her. We were eating out with his family at a crowded restaurant and like always, a conversation about my boyfriend came up (He's literally all she talks about), and I said something about how he can be mean. His sister agreed and his mom did NOT. In a voice as if you were talking to a baby, she said "He is not, he's a sweet boy!" And proceeded to turn to my 21 year old boyfriend, and pinch his cheeks, in broad daylight. I looked around and people were LOOKING at us. She just praises the ground that he walks on. If me or his sister say anything even remotely negative about dbf, she just disagrees and talks in her baby voice and saying he's such a cutie and everything. Joking or not, it's really getting to me. Is this weird?


(Even if nobody reads this, it feels nice to write it out!)

That's what bothers me even more, it doesn't bother him as much as me. So I feel like I'm just over dramatic or something. But he also goes off to work all day, and I am home with her and she doesn't work. So I hear about him all day long. And then if I were to do that to him in front of his friends or something he'd be super embarrassed, but his mom can do it all she wants in public, or at least that's what he is acting like.

Well we really wanted to live with my mom, she just got divorced to my mean step dad, but she moved to a place that doesn't have enough rooms. She is trying to find a place with enough rooms for us though. But in the meantime we don't make enough to be able to afford our own place, even as low as the prices are now. We really want to be able to go to DL as often or at least once in a while, but that would just be out of the question. So I guess you have to give up something but for some reason I am just not going to stand for giving up my privacy. We don't pay to live here because she wants him to stay here so bad, but we do A LOT for them. His dad is cool and doesn't really know anything of what she does because she doesn't do it around him. He was not at the dinner table when she did the cheek pinching thing. She even says so much about how she wants him to grow a mustache, but I don't understand why she would care how he looks in the first place?

Haha, no I agree! I do pay them if I eat any of their groceries, otherwise we buy all of our own groceries, and I use as little electricity/water as possible and I pay for my phone & insurance, so that IS something. But I do understand that they have rules and everything, I obey them and his dad is no problem at all to me. It's her babying him that bothers me and I don't think it will ever really end until he tells her that she doesn't need to ask him if he paid his bills, or took his vitamin or whatever else she asks him about. She also calls him all the time just to ask what he's doing. It's creepy! So moving out I think she will want to call more often because she won't see him as much. It's a weird battle. The entering the room isn't TOO bad of a problem, it's the calling and the babying. It's just weird. Thanks for the help though everyone, we are working on moving out but for now we will stick it out!

LOL! This is just making my trip the most important to me right now. And Pixiewings, I will know about it LOL cause if he doesn't answer, she leaves a message. Here's what the message sounds like:

"Hey it's me... (loud chewing sound) it's about uh... (chewing) 4:30.. Thursday night and I just (chewing) wanted to see (chewing) what you were up to (chewing) Call me back (chewing) bye. "

THEN, she calls me! All this and we're like worried something bad has happened cause by the time ten minutes rolls around, she has called 10 times and we call back and she just repeats her message. THAT got to dbf. He got so mad. I had a long talk with him today, and he totally understood my side. He just said he was used to it. But when I told him that people were looking when she was pinching his cheeks, he got embarrassed, and I told him what she tells me when he's not there, and when I started to tell him my perception of it, he actually starts getting pretty mad. Agreeing with me and everything. He just doesn't hear it as much as I do either, because he doesn't talk to her very much.

That's why she thinks he's such an angel. I don't dare tell her "bad" things he has done. Like he is the one who (on accident) broke a part of the counter off, he (accidentally) ran into a sign with his truck. He hasn't even told her we were in a minor hit and run accident (the other people ran, not us! ). He doesn't tell her anything about his life, that's why she thinks he is great and nothing ever goes wrong in the magical land of my boyfriend. And she tells me all the time. I just shake my head and say "You don't know him THAT well!" Because he keeps to himself. I love him to death, and PinkBudgie I know we are meant for each other, I have had the biggest crush on him for 5 years and we've been dating for almost 4! So I've known him for 9 years now! We will get through this, just counting down the days! Well thanks everyone for helping me get this out of my system. I am going to get off this thread and continue to drown my life in Disneyland!!

LOL, thanks pixie and pinkbudgie, I know I usually always have a sense of humor about it, whenever I tell the story (it's hard to express humor on the internet) I always make it funny and everything. Honestly, the whole thing doesn't bother me as much as I express in this post, lol, it was just the cheek thing that had me a bit weirded out, and when she said, "I'd date him!" Yup, just a bit weird!

Whatever, I have my trip to look forward to. I'm getting dbf a Segway Tour as a surprise!

FTR, I don't care about my "adult time" enough to move out. *sheesh*

lol I really said that cause robin was rude about it. Like this is MY fault for being mad, and my adult time is all that I care about. I mostly care about how this is going to effect our future. She is controlling and I don't want her having a say in our life even when we move out, which is the way it has been heading. She even looks up jobs for DBF. I'm like, "get a life, he can do things for himself!" I mostly make this out to be a joke, like I try to do with most negative things in my life. But it just creeps me out. She has gotten better though since DBF called her out on it, making her DH involved and he said he would be mad/weirded out too. So it's all good, LOL! We do have the time while she is sleeping, in which case his door gets locked and we don't know how/why such a thing happened. And YES! We do have our weekends away! Sometimes we get a hotel around here (I just pretend I am not looking out to Arizona Landscape and pretend that we are just relaxing after a few hours of DL! ) But most of the time we are planning crazy amounts of DL vacations. Which will be hard to give up once we move out! But it helps our relationship a lot. We also go for very long walks around the parks and just talk. I don't know how we can still have so much to talk about, but it helps to not have his mom interrupt every 5 minutes.

prncssmel, thanks for being so understanding. We are working very hard on getting better jobs and saving every cent of our money so we can move out. So far we have like 1200 saved up, and we're not going to use ANY of it on our trips. We have that there for when his truck... actually. We just SPENT a lot of it on his truck when it broke down. We did however save a ton of money by fixing it ourselves! Yeah, I helped, haha. It was kind of fun! But we will get there! I should try seeing if I can get more money out for loans, but that's a whole 'nother story.

First a little quoting and then ...

I'm sorry you thought I was rude, but it is YOU who put all your dirty laundry out here for me to read.

Let's see if I can sum it up ...
(1) You're 19 years old
(2) Your BF if 21
(3) When *he* was 19 (and you only 17) and living at home his mom didn't want to let him go to Disneyland with you but you and he did an end-run and got his dad to agree. You still hold that against her.
(4) You and your BF pay no rent and no utilities.
(5) Yet ... she is "needy" when she asks you do do something around the house or to pick up something when you are out.
(6) You and your BF spend your money on multiple Disneyland trips since you have so much left over not paying that pesky rent stuff.
(7) Yet ... your BF's mom becomes "emotional" when she asks how you can afford it.
(8) Your BF's mom doesn't work so you are at home with her during the day while your BF works. Do *you* work? Go to school?
(9) Your BF's mom opens the door without knocking, but you have a lock so you can keep her out if you wanted to.
(10) She "babies" him and calls him all the time on the phone.

You complain that your BF's mom essentially treats you and her son like children ... but that's because that's how you are acting. You are living in HER house RENT FREE and spending all your extra money on trips to Disneyland. If you want to be treated like ADULTS then start ACTING like adults. Grow up. Get a job if you don't have one. Move out. Stop being dependent on your BF's family ... just your whole first paragraph where you say you are being "raised" by your BF's family shows that you are not even thinking like an adult. You are still thinking like a kid who has left her own family to live with her BF's family. It's time to grab your big girl panties and put them on and stop "treating yourself" to expensive trips when you and your BF are still at home rent free! Once you move out and become independent you will no longer have to follow her rules. Until then ... you will have to accept that she can and does make the rules in the house and is entitled to be as PITB.

 

[LifeIsTinkIsLife]

noooo

 

[Teki]

My DBFS mom is also similarly crazey only add germaphobe to the list. The only thing is he doesnt pay rent and she cant drive so its sorta an exchange I guess. I just try to let the things she says and does go, if you dont youll just drive yourself crazey because its probably not gonna change and you wouldnt want it to cause a fight between you and your DBF

 

[Eeyore's Wife]

Hmmm,

I read this post with a deep interest because our oldest daughter is 19. She is in college and has wonderful grades. She has never been in trouble or caused us worry. My biggest issue with her is that she is too serious at times and takes too many classes each semester.

In other words, she is a lovely young woman and we are so blessed to have her in our family. Her friends are always welcome in our home. Yet, a young man who wishes to spend the night will find himself bunking in our son's room. Period. End of discussion.

My husband and I have deeply held beliefs about commitment, intimacy, marriage, and family. Were our daughter to embrace different principles we would discuss the issue with her, but respect her choices. Yet, under our roof, our guidelines must be enforced.

I have tried in the past few minutes to imagine someone in a serious but non-binding relationship living in my house, with my child, and how that dynamic would play out in day to day living arrangements, and for the life of me it just seems odd/strange/fraught with difficulty. Frankly, I don't want her living under my roof once she is in a bonded adult relationship, married or not.

Deep emotional intimacy, connectedness, and relational stability are best fostered and developed with as few intrusions as possible. So, even if it were a studio apartment with green shag carpeting and a bathroom the size of a thimble (the first place my hubby and I shared) then I would encouarge my daughter to have her own place with her husband.

As to a thousand dollar trip not being expensive, I just about spewed hot coffee across the key board when I read that. Hon, my hubby is a senior engineer and I am a teacher and we both think a thousand dollars is a large sum of money, especially for a vacation.

At ten dollars an hour a person needs to work for a hundred hours to make a thousand dollars, and when you factor in taxes, that stretches to about 140 hours of work. At twenty dollars an hour, it takes about 70 hours, or more than two weeks of full time employment.

I hope you take my comments with a bit of loving mom protectiveness, and not just butt-insky old lady grumping.

Believe it or not, I was once a 19 year old and learned a few lessons the hard way. I think a few of the other posters here have also acquired some things via lessons that were none too pleasant, and we would love to save you the heartache or pain that comes with some of those lessons.

 

[zeitzeuge]

I'm the "baby" of my family and I'm 44 years old. My Mother still treats me as her baby and is proud of it. It wasn't until I moved out after college, did I ever feel independent and ever got any sort of privacy. Sounds like your BF doesn't mind the baby'ing. There are times when I don't either, especially when my older siblings see it and get jealous. Not that I'm rubbing it in their faces or anything.

Until you all move out, you won't get the privacy you are needing, but as far as her babying him? It's not that uncommon and probably will never stop.