At Rest. And our protector until the end.
Everything we thought we were planning for didn't happen. They called at 12:09 to say his breathing had changed - had become very rapid and laboured. The nurse still thought he had until morning but because I had stressed DD wanted to be there she thought it best to call. We got up and ready and arrived at the hospice at 12:34. He had taken his last breath while we were driving there. The nurses had freshened him up while we were coming and told him we were on our way. He had other plans. He waited until after midnight - until dad's birthday was over, but didn't let us witness his distress.
DD didn't get to have her last words while he was alive. Both kids wanted to see him. I asked DS if he was sure - it would be very unsettling as he hadn't seen him in a week. He did. I told DD his spirit would still be there for a time after his passing. She could still say what she needed to say. So she did. She asked for time alone and said what she had planned to say. Then DS went in and spoke with him also. We all sat with him after that. The nurse brought us each a butterfly ornament with a poem / saying attached and DS decided he wanted DH to touch his. He actually moved his hand up and placed the ornament under his hand for a while. DD asked me to do the same with hers. We took a picture of just his hands holding the butterflies.
In the end it was the one who didn't want to see his dad in his final moments, didn't want to see what he looked like at the end, who didn't want to leave. He asked for private moments several more times, DD asked for one last moment also. In all we spent about 90 minutes with him at peace. I'm so proud of my kids for doing what they needed, taking the time to allow themselves closure.
35 days that changed our lives and who each of us are, forever.