Autistic DS8 NOT invited to friends party--Crawling in a hole...

[Dancind]

I can't tell you how many play dates I hosted, and I think maybe two were reciprocated, once. After a while, I just quit hoping for a reciprocal invitation, and just hoped some girls would come to DD's birthday parties. They got smaller and smaller as she got older, but she was always excited to have one.

In mid school, she made a group of friends (the slightly outcast girls in gifted classes) and attended sleep overs at one girls house about 3-4 times. That was a big step forward, or so I thought. She recently told me (she's 19 now) that the girls' Mom used to give them things like jelly shots.

Like others, I think DD was blissfully unaware of a lot of snubbing, or didn't seem to care. The bullying at school really upset her though. Not that she told me about it at the time. Guess she knew I would take exception.

The thing that drives me crazy now is that DD will have a decent friend or two and won't do anything to maintain the friendship. She gets busy, or gets a boyfriend, so doesn't try to keep in touch, doesn't go to their events etc. Still nagging, subtly, but feeling guilty about it.

 

[Dancind]

OK, does anyone watch Parenthood on TV? They had this thread as a storyline!

 

[Kat77]

OK, does anyone watch Parenthood on TV? They had this thread as a storyline!

I know, my jaw dropped open. That was great timing wasn't it?

I've watched every episode! I really like it. I wish the writers would consult me on things first Actually, I wish they'd put all the moms of our Schmolland thread on speed dial for comedic gold.
Here's the old Parenthood link: http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2412600

 

[luvmylittleboy2003]

I'm so sorry and know how you feel. Ds is one of the kids that doesn't get invited and has very few friends, but, unlike the ones who don't care, ds cares ALLOT - he goes into total meltdown (for about a hour sometimes longer). The worst is the two neighborhood kids (same age). When they are playing without him he doesn't understand why, I try to explain and tell him its not a big deal,but, it never even registers. They have been very mean and rude and told him they don't like him and don't want don't want to play with him, and then the next day they are playing...very confusing. It also breaks my heart (badly) and I cry in private. I can relate to him because I was also one of those kids that didn't have any friends. I just want to shield him and keep him away from it all, but, he is a very social kid (although the social skills aren't there). He wants friends badly, he can make friends but keeping them just isn't happening.

 

[lucigo]

This may not be the point at all, but I have a 7-yo with pretty high functioning autism (but not Aspgergers, its definitely autism). All of our friends are, as they say on Parenthood "short bus friends". We have a group of about 5-6 families who come over to our house to swim in the summer, get together for bowling, all kinds of things. Last weekend we went to a gingerbread house decorating party. Four boys from age 7-18 all with autism, all sitting at a table decorating their houses and having a ball! My son's "best friend" doesn't have a whole lot to say, but he loves to go to "Ben's house swim", and Ben loves to have him!

 

[lucigo]

I'm so sorry and know how you feel. Ds is one of the kids that doesn't get invited and has very few friends, but, unlike the ones who don't care, ds cares ALLOT - he goes into total meltdown (for about a hour sometimes longer). The worst is the two neighborhood kids (same age). When they are playing without him he doesn't understand why, I try to explain and tell him its not a big deal,but, it never even registers. They have been very mean and rude and told him they don't like him and don't want don't want to play with him, and then the next day they are playing...very confusing. It also breaks my heart (badly) and I cry in private. I can relate to him because I was also one of those kids that didn't have any friends. I just want to shield him and keep him away from it all, but, he is a very social kid (although the social skills aren't there). He wants friends badly, he can make friends but keeping them just isn't happening.

Do you have a local autism society? Ours locally has social skills get togethers. The kids play board games, socialize, and make friends. We also have an autism camp for 6 weeks in the summer that our local autism society puts together. The higher functioning/Aspergers kids go to kids college at the local jr. college and take classes that help with their social skills like for instance acting/drama. Within our community I have seen some of the older kids form very close friendships. It gives me hope that my son will one day be there!

 

[Nik's Mom]

I have 2 sons on the spectrum, so I feel your pain. It's ok to have your down moments, op. Have your moment to cry, then pick yourself up and carry on with life.

Can I suggest that you look into special olympics. My sons have started to interact socially with some of their special olympic team mates. And it is great for us parents too because we can share "war stories".

 

[brettgirl]

I feel all of your pain! I think one mom was right-it is more "our" pain than our childs. My son has never had a reciprocal play date, rarely gets invites to parties and when he does go-no one plays with him (talk about heart wrenching), but........I am told by his teacher that he is often playing alone, but he is not Lonely (I feel this way about him too). So, I must say it bothers me, more than him.

I guess we all need more stiff upper lips! UGH......

 

[CHICKENLEG]

The worst is the two neighborhood kids (same age). When they are playing without him he doesn't understand why, I try to explain and tell him its not a big deal,but, it never even registers. They have been very mean and rude and told him they don't like him and don't want don't want to play with him, and then the next day they are playing...very confusing. .

I work the 4th/5th grade recess, and also spend part of my school day in a 2nd grade class. I see A LOT of this. At least twice a week, and usually among the neurotypical population. (As both excluders & victims of exclusion) I blame the "Real Housewives", its all so reality series dramatic. I feel like I need squash this nastiness before someone is another bullying statistic. But I also remember being made to play with the daughter of my Mom's friend. Dana always went manic when we were together, and I always ended up in trouble because of it even though nothing I tried would calm her. (Now I wonder if she & her little sister were aspies) She even told people at school that I would beat them up if they weren't nice to her & I got called to the principal's office. So my rule @ school is you don't have to play with anyone, but you always have to be nice about it. A simple "
I haven't played with Jenny in ages so I'm going to play with her today" is really all it takes.

 

[CHICKENLEG]

There are some incredible kids in this 4th grade class especially who go out of their way to include our atypical kids. And of the 5 atypical children, 3 of them play with the neurotypicals. The other 2 will walk away from anyone who isn't in the group of atypical kids they have been in school with for several years. One of these just wants to spend her time shooting hoops. The other young lady will YELL at the neurotypical kids that they can't play with her friends. These kids would include her but she can't let go of this wall she has built. I am not saying that she doesn't have a reason, but she is turning her back on kids who were eager to be her friend. (They have lobbied for GREATER inclusion of the atypical kids, since this is a new program @ the school and the teachers were still adjusting to the change)

BTW one of the 3 who play with the typicals has gone from eating with an adult next to her (&occasionally feeding her,) to having daily lunch dates I have to track on my phone. One peer on one side another on the other side so she is in a conversational 'bubble' and her speech is rapidly improving. She began the year @ a 2 year old developmental level and she is rapidly improving!

 

[mickey&minniealways]

I'm with KAT77, sometimes I do think it bothers us more than DS. DS doesn't have any BFFs. He has children of our friends that he plays with. He has never been invited to a Bday party except for those 2 friends and they are both girls some day they may no longer invite boys to their parties.
One year we took him to WDW on his Birthday because we didn't know who do invite. Last year we invited about 5 other families to a baseball game and celebrated his birthday. He was happy.

Happy BDay to your son and hope he has a good time on Sunday

Somedays I wondered if mine would ever have any real friends, Go to a Prom anything. I have spend more time over the years crying in the shower. Just so that I would not have tear streaks down my face. DD is turning 16 this May and wants a big party. She has a few friends that will come but not what she is expecting. We are going to Disney on the 22nd. I turn 50 on the 19th, she turns 16 on th20th and DS22 graduates from college on the 21st. She is being told that she is not having a big party because of this. We will do something smaller with her and a few friends after we get back. But yes it very often bother us more then them.

 

[Hasil72]

I am a middle school teacher, who works with 12 wonderful boys with ASD. My middle school opened an inclusive program 5 years ago, for this high functioning group. What I love about it is the support and friendship they offer each other. Finally, my guys have their own gang. Everyone needs a sense of belonging!

Oh, Susan, I am so jealous! I wish we had a program like that at our middle school. Are you at Carusi or Beck?

 

[tweedlemom]

Hi again! So it's been a year (plus/minus some days) since my original post.

Pretty much the same thing happened again this year. (My friend posted on facebook that she is taking her son and his 7 friends out to dinner then they are sleeping over.) My son is not one of them, but this year, I'm ok with that. I could be sad AGAIN, but I've seen how much progress my son has made, socially and academically over the past year, and I couldn't be happier.

One day, maybe, he could be ready to do similar social activities, but for now he is going at his own pace. i am so proud of where he is at. and deep down I'm proud of myself for accepting my son for who he is and knowing that another child's choice of birthday guests are not a reflection of my son.

Amazing what a year can do...deep breath...

 

[Forevryoung]

I could be sad AGAIN, but I've seen how much progress my son has made, socially and academically over the past year, and I couldn't be happier.

One day, maybe, he could be ready to do similar social activities, but for now he is going at his own pace. i am so proud of where he is at. and deep down I'm proud of myself for accepting my son for who he is and knowing that another child's choice of birthday guests are not a reflection of my son.

Amazing what a year can do...deep breath...

Awesome!

What about doing a similar activity with a smaller group of friends as "practice"- going out to dinner, back to your house for an organized activity (making cupcakes...) and then time for everyone to go home.

It will build your son's confidence, be a great teaching moment, and will remind your son's friends of his strengths.

 

[tweedlemom]

Awesome!

What about doing a similar activity with a smaller group of friends as "practice"- going out to dinner, back to your house for an organized activity (making cupcakes...) and then time for everyone to go home.

It will build your son's confidence, be a great teaching moment, and will remind your son's friends of his strengths.

Great idea!

 

[AverageDiser]

Great idea!

You should be proud of yourself, it's hard! Dd (10-AS) is on homebound for unrelated medical issues, but is able to go to school for parties & things like that. Last Friday she went for a party- held outdoors for the reading program- prob 50 kids altogether from 5th-6th grade. She prob spent 60% of the time by herself and I really had to give myself a reality check. It didn't bother her a bit, but it still breaks my heart. It's hard telling yourself it's not her issue, it's not the other kids issues, it's MY issue. I wish knowing that made it easier..lol.

 

[Celidh]

I'm so sorry and know how you feel. Ds is one of the kids that doesn't get invited and has very few friends, but, unlike the ones who don't care, ds cares ALLOT - he goes into total meltdown (for about a hour sometimes longer). The worst is the two neighborhood kids (same age). When they are playing without him he doesn't understand why, I try to explain and tell him its not a big deal,but, it never even registers. They have been very mean and rude and told him they don't like him and don't want don't want to play with him, and then the next day they are playing...very confusing. It also breaks my heart (badly) and I cry in private. I can relate to him because I was also one of those kids that didn't have any friends. I just want to shield him and keep him away from it all, but, he is a very social kid (although the social skills aren't there). He wants friends badly, he can make friends but keeping them just isn't happening.

This is very much like my son. He is 11 and has Aspergers. He wants so badly to be included and have friends. He has said to me that he just wants a friend he can trust. He get so upset that the other kids don't want to play with him. He usually has a crying session anywhere from once to three or four times a week over it. I notice he seems so much more immature than other kids his age. He still loves sleeping with his "stuffies", I still have to remind him to talk properly; not like a baby. He just seems so young, not like other almost 12 year old kids. He just doesn't get it when I see that he is annoying to other kids. I watched him at the school Halloween dance the other night. He was right in the faces of many kids. I watched them keep walking away from him and he just followed. It was like he was totally oblivious that they were ignoring him that night. It broke my heart watching him.

He does know the other kids don't want to play with him because they come right out and tell him often. He will ask if he can play a game and they say no because they have enough players but a minute or so later, they will let another kid join. He does see that and it upsets him tremendously. Or, they just come out and tell him they don't want him to play. He has such low self esteem and I worry about depression. I suffer from depression and it runs in my family. It was also noted by the psychologist who diagnosed him that he needed to be watched for it.

Funny thing though, he did have a boy over last weekend to play. Part way through the visit, he came to me and said he was tired of playing with the boy and that the visit didn't go the way he thought it would. He thought they would spend the afternoon playing video games but the boy wanted to play other things. Not bad but it just wasn't what Jacob had pictured his afternoon to be so it bothered him. Its a good thing that the boy is a year younger than Jacob and also likes playing with my 8 year old daughter, so they played. I was thinking of seeing if Jacob wanted this boy to have a sleepover but decided not to mention it. I don't think he would do well with a sleepover at someone else's house because he doesn't like sleeping in a bed other than his own. He doesn't even really like sleeping at his grammie's house on their weekly sleepover even though it has been going on for years. He didn't much like sleeping in a different bed at WDW either. As was mentioned on a different thread, it is strange or surprising the things things that bother our kids.

I am hoping that the change to a bigger new school next year will do him good. He is in a school with one class per grade and he has been labelled there. I told him that at jr high, there will be more kids there and he will have a better chance of finding friends. There will be more kids who may have the same interests with him. Unfortunately, his response was that there will just be more kids to not like him and not want to play with him. That comment made me so sad.

He is smart. He does well academically. He is actually very hard on himself. If he gets one or two questions wrong on a test, he is upset that it wasn't perfect. We just had a conversation the other day because he isn't awesome at something. I told him that he probably wouldn't like what I had to say but the fact is, 80% of the population isn't awesome at anything, we are just average but that isn't a bad thing. It makes him just like everyone else.

Sorry for the long post. I worry about my little boy and what life will bring him. Ok, I worry about all my kids. Thanks for listening.

 

[tweedlemom]

This is very much like my son. He is 11 and has Aspergers. He wants so badly to be included and have friends. He has said to me that he just wants a friend he can trust. He get so upset that the other kids don't want to play with him. He usually has a crying session anywhere from once to three or four times a week over it. I notice he seems so much more immature than other kids his age. He still loves sleeping with his "stuffies", I still have to remind him to talk properly; not like a baby. He just seems so young, not like other almost 12 year old kids. He just doesn't get it when I see that he is annoying to other kids. I watched him at the school Halloween dance the other night. He was right in the faces of many kids. I watched them keep walking away from him and he just followed. It was like he was totally oblivious that they were ignoring him that night. It broke my heart watching him.

He does know the other kids don't want to play with him because they come right out and tell him often. He will ask if he can play a game and they say no because they have enough players but a minute or so later, they will let another kid join. He does see that and it upsets him tremendously. Or, they just come out and tell him they don't want him to play. He has such low self esteem and I worry about depression. I suffer from depression and it runs in my family. It was also noted by the psychologist who diagnosed him that he needed to be watched for it.

Funny thing though, he did have a boy over last weekend to play. Part way through the visit, he came to me and said he was tired of playing with the boy and that the visit didn't go the way he thought it would. He thought they would spend the afternoon playing video games but the boy wanted to play other things. Not bad but it just wasn't what Jacob had pictured his afternoon to be so it bothered him. Its a good thing that the boy is a year younger than Jacob and also likes playing with my 8 year old daughter, so they played. I was thinking of seeing if Jacob wanted this boy to have a sleepover but decided not to mention it. I don't think he would do well with a sleepover at someone else's house because he doesn't like sleeping in a bed other than his own. He doesn't even really like sleeping at his grammie's house on their weekly sleepover even though it has been going on for years. He didn't much like sleeping in a different bed at WDW either. As was mentioned on a different thread, it is strange or surprising the things things that bother our kids.

I am hoping that the change to a bigger new school next year will do him good. He is in a school with one class per grade and he has been labelled there. I told him that at jr high, there will be more kids there and he will have a better chance of finding friends. There will be more kids who may have the same interests with him. Unfortunately, his response was that there will just be more kids to not like him and not want to play with him. That comment made me so sad.

He is smart. He does well academically. He is actually very hard on himself. If he gets one or two questions wrong on a test, he is upset that it wasn't perfect. We just had a conversation the other day because he isn't awesome at something. I told him that he probably wouldn't like what I had to say but the fact is, 80% of the population isn't awesome at anything, we are just average but that isn't a bad thing. It makes him just like everyone else.

Sorry for the long post. I worry about my little boy and what life will bring him. Ok, I worry about all my kids. Thanks for listening.

 

[kirstenb1]

Hi again! So it's been a year (plus/minus some days) since my original post.

Pretty much the same thing happened again this year. (My friend posted on facebook that she is taking her son and his 7 friends out to dinner then they are sleeping over.) My son is not one of them, but this year, I'm ok with that. I could be sad AGAIN, but I've seen how much progress my son has made, socially and academically over the past year, and I couldn't be happier.

One day, maybe, he could be ready to do similar social activities, but for now he is going at his own pace. i am so proud of where he is at. and deep down I'm proud of myself for accepting my son for who he is and knowing that another child's choice of birthday guests are not a reflection of my son.

Amazing what a year can do...deep breath...

Good for you, way to go!! And I like Foreveryoung's idea.