Beth's WW Journey. (Comments Welcome)

[lulu201]

OK, so yesterday I came on pretty strong. I was feeling strongly and experiencing my own issues of hurt and betrayal. Sorry if I sounded harsh, but sometimes emotions are like that.

I want you to know, Beth, that I love you. We've been friends about 5 years now and I am so glad to know that Kate still has a mom and that you are still part of this world with us. I want you to be here at the DIS, I want you to be a part of all our lives again, I want you to keep journaling and looking for friendship and support--I want you to keep on keeping on. You could've just said "the heck with it" and jumped ship the other day, but you stayed and faced the music. I have a lot of respect for that. I have respect for the strong, capable, child of God that I know you are, and I hope that now that you've stepped out to apologize, you can get on with things.

We all make mistakes; we all hurt others we care about. I know that I've messed up plenty in my life . Yeah, I've got lots of questions (most that start with "why"), but I'm willing to move forward if you are. Too bad you can't come over and we could have some coffees with Da Vinci syrups and talk it all out. . .

I don't know where we'll go from here, but I hope that you can ride out this wave and stick around.

Welcome back, Beth Kim.

Erin

 

[DoeWDW]

Ditto what Erin said so eloquently.

Beth, know that there are people here who still love you and care about you. Don't give up. We'll get through this together. {hugs}

 

[wilderness01]

OK, so yesterday I came on pretty strong. I was feeling strongly and experiencing issues of hurt and betrayal. I know I sounded harsh, but sometimes emotions are like that. Erin

I would agree with the part that is reworded above.


I will agree that you stayed and faced the music IF you indeed come back, tell the truth and help us to understand. It seems, in my opinion, you blamed your husband, said you would come back and it is Sunday night and you haven't. Blaming someone else who can't defend himself really isn't taking responsibility. If you don't want to, that is up to you and really you only have to own up to yourself to be true to yourself. In essence I suppose you owe an internet friend nothing, although I would hope you would act differently.

If it were me I guess I would rather face the music and say "you know what, I was having problems and I lied. I was looking for sympathy, needed more in my life and I changed facts of stories. It was wrong but I did it and I'm sorry." I would have some respect for that and would try to be understanding.

I guess for my part I am over the whole "death" part, but I really need to understand the other parts of a retold, tangled history and retold different facts and half truths. To me, that is the most insulting, disturbing part.

Erin and Doreen, you are more than kind and generous with your forgiveness and really live what you believe.

I for myself, just don't know if I can do that, especially not at first unless there is complete honesty. I have learned to trust my instincts and my instincts are telling me there are some real honest "truths" here that will never be told. My instinct is telling me that trust has been broken, and without trust there really can be no friendship offered.

My gut is telling me unless I can respect someone than there really can be nothing. My gut is telling me respect is earned and not given because of who I thought someone was. My gut is telling me to protect myself and not put myself out there again to be hurt or lied to.

My heart is telling me that in order to forgive, respect, honesty and friendship need to be a two way street, given as well as received.

My head is telling me to run like he$$ because there is no rational explanation that there can possibly be to clear up all the inconsistencies.

Right now the kindest thing I can say is I hope the issues/conflicts present in your life can be resolved so you can live a happy life and be a good role model for Katie.

This has caused me grief and stress, so really I will not be back for awhile. I continue to wish you success in your life, deserved or undeserved. I hope it is the former and you learn from this so you can move on for a successful, peaceful life.

 

[DoeWDW]

I'm thinking of you today, Beth, and sending good thoughts your way.

 

[lulu201]

Hey, Beth. What'cha got goin' on for today? Family picnic? Parade? I'm doing laundry Doesn't that sound like fun?

Erin

 

[kimwim8]

Please come back, Beth. We're here for you.

 

[MIdanceMom]

Thank you everyone.

This weeknd was what I needed. Kate was with her dad, and i was alone for three day with out distraction. I stuck with my plan of exercising in the morning, cleaning in the afternoon, and walking in the evening. My house is in order, and my wieght down a bit. It gave me a lot of time to think. Which I desperatersly needed.

I know that I should have told the truth from the beginning. I should have sought out everyone, and explained the situation. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I was also selfish and cruel. I did not consider the suffering that others went through. I desperately wanted to be a part of this board again. I only considered myself. I wanted to avoid that ugliness, so I did. I changed a name and a few dates, and opened a journal, and it was wrong. I think I also wanted to be caught. I didn't change my name, or Kate's , location, and I posted pictures.

I thought about what I did, and I have read your messages. Everything said was very fair, and I do not deserve your forgiveness. Thank you, though. I am in a spot in my life that I am accountable to only myselg and my daughter. I need to figure out the kind of person I want to be. Right now, I am a person wha cannot look herself in the mirror. I have been a selfish *****. I need to get to a place where I can become a person my daughter can be proud of. I am no where near that. It is time for me to be an adult and take reponsibility for my actions. I can blame my husband for the initial lie, but I perpetuated it, and added to it.

I've thought about what this board is about. It is about love and friendship and support. It is a place where peop[le can come and be honest about what they are going through, and ask for help and support. I tainted that. I am so sorry for that and the hurt I have caused.

SO I need to figure out where to go from here. I called my therapist, and am restarting my therapy tomorrow. I need to do some serious self evaluation. I am not going to give up trying to be healthier. I am going to keep exercising, and going to Pilates. I know that I need to continue journalling. It is an outlet for me that I need, but I need to leave WISH. My prescence here is hurtful. While I needed the support, others do too. I do not want anyone else to leave because I am here. Yesterday I bought a handwritten journal. I will use that for my outlet. I know this isn't going to be a quick fix, nor will it be painless. People may think I am running, and maybe I am just fooling myself, but I am trying for once to think of the needs of others. I do know that if I ever do come back, there will be no lies about my identity.


I want to thank you for all your support. You have helped me through a very dark time in my life. I value each and every one of you. I am continually amazed and insipred by your strength and courage. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you and
Beth

 

[LadyLuck79]

SO I need to figure out where to go from here. I called my therapist, and am restarting my therapy tomorrow. I need to do some serious self evaluation. I am not going to give up trying to be healthier. I am going to keep exercising, and going to Pilates. I know that I need to continue journalling. It is an outlet for me that I need, but I need to leave WISH. My prescence here is hurtful. While I needed the support, others do too. I do not want anyone else to leave because I am here. Yesterday I bought a handwritten journal. I will use that for my outlet. I know this isn't going to be a quick fix, nor will it be painless. People may think I am running, and maybe I am just fooling myself, but I am trying for once to think of the needs of others. I do know that if I ever do come back, there will be no lies about my identity.

Why am I not surprised? You are still being selfish and a bit of a drama queen. Here you've hurt and lied to Tracy, Doe, and Erin - who have FORGIVEN you and obviously WANT you to be a part of your life. But no - you're going to walk away. No one here asked you to walk away, no one here even hinted that you should walk away.

Why not slap them in the face again Beth? You're not thinking about others needs - if you were you would answer the questions that have been asked and you would STICK AROUND!

Right now I have 2 schools of thoughts - you are again writing this dramatic post in a hope to stir up drama and make people feel sorry for you or 2 - you are running away because you are ashamed. Either way is unacceptable to me.

The first act of responsibility is taking it for your past actions.

In the mean time this is all I'm going to say - QUIT PLAYING AROUND WITH THE EMOTIONS OF MY FRIENDS! MY FRIENDS ARE NOT HERE FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT AND YOU TREATING THEM IN THIS MANNER IS BEYOND UNACCEPTABLE. YOU DON'T DESERVE THEM.

~Amanda

 

[DoeWDW]

Beth, I haven't seen anyone ask you to stop posting here. If YOU want to stop posting here for whatever reason, then own up to it as YOUR idea. Don't try to pin it on anyone else. We'll all have a lot more respect for you if you just TELL THE TRUTH.

As for me, if you continue to post here, I will support you. If you choose to stop posting, then I will wish you all the best. I'm glad that you'll be starting back with your therapist - I think that will help you if you are honest with yourself and your therapist.

Today is a new day. It's never too late to start being the person you want to be. It's never too late to be a great role model for Kate. I believe you have the potential to be a great person and a great Mom.

Best wishes for whatever path you choose.

 

[MIdanceMom]

Thank you Doreen and Amanda. You are absolutely right Amanda, I am ashamed and I do not deserve them. I guess I don't have the words to say what I want to say. The fact that no one has asked me to stop posting is another sign of what makes WISH special. Everyone on here is amazing. I want to get myself together, so that if I come back I can be a positive aspect to the board. Yes, I am the one who doesn't feel like I should post. NO ONE has indicated that I shouldn't, just the opposite. I guess I wanted to acknowledge my mistakes, apologize, and say goodbye. Erin,Doe,and Tracy thank you for reaching out. I have erased many PMs to you. I honestly don't know what to say.. I don't mean to keep hurting you. I honestly think or thought that leaving is the right thing to do.


Beth

 

[larry's girl]

Hi, Beth. Whatever you decide to do, know that I wish you well. You are one of only a handful of people who has supported me on my journal from the very beginning, and I so greatly appreciate it. We all make mistakes - the trick is to own up to our mistakes, learn from them and try to avoid repeating them. I know that the strong, compassionate and loving person I have come to know on WISH over the last few months will come out the other side of this and be all the stronger for it. Many people care for you here, Beth - just remember that we will be here for you no matter what you decide.

Take care, friend.

Susan

 

[toystoryduo]

. We all make mistakes - the trick is to own up to our mistakes, learn from them and try to avoid repeating them.

I so agree with this, Susan. Not just for Beth, but for myself as well.

Beth, I hope that working with your therapist proves to be beneficial for you and that it helps you sort out all that has gone on in your life. I can't say that I understand all that has gone on or why, but I wish you and Kate all the best.

 

[MIdanceMom]

Thanks Susan and Tracy, Doe and Kim for the PM.

For someone who was closing my journal, I keep posting. I honestly do not know what to do. I am going to talk with my therapist tonight, and do some thinking. If I do keep my journal, and you do not want me on yours, please PM me, and I will respect that.

I learned one thing over the weekend. I can get alot accomplished when I do not allow the computer or tv distract me. One of two things occur with me and the computer. When I am on the computer at home I either avoid doing projects that need doing, or I stay up to late. I did not turn on my laptop this weekend, and manamged to clean and organize most of my house. I still have many projects to tackle. I am fortunate that I can use the computer at work, and usually have 15 minute segments through the day that I can play. So I am trying to get my projects done at home and spend time with Kate, rather than use the computer. I am just trying to explain why I am now only posting during weekdays.

Thanks,
Beth

 

[lulu201]

Hey, Beth. You do what you gotta do. Either way you know that there are many of us who have cared about you and wish you health, love, and happiness.

Erin

 

[keenercam]

Beth -- You are in my thoughts. Hoping you and Katie are well. Thank you for all of the support and encouragement you bring to my journal.

 

[traceycooper]

Hi Beth
its took me a while to digest what has happened here, i know there are 2 sides to every story, & perhaps the whole thing will never make complete sense,
Many people are terribly hurt & i can only try to understand how hurt they must feel.
but i'm so inspired by how understanding & forgiving many of these wish ladies are that i need to let you know that i hope you do see the therapist & things get better for you from now on.

I wish you well Beth & will continue to give you the support you have shown me.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Beth,

I don't even know where to begin. First of all, I love you, you have been a friend to me. When my mom died, my Wish sisters were the first people I told. You stuck by me in what was truly the worst time of my life. I am not leaving you now during yours.

Now I have to add, I didn't know you in your previous journal. I can only imagine how I would feel if any of my Wish Sisters died, and then I found out they hadn't. So I have a lot of empathy for your former Wish friends who mourned you and now feel angry. I think that is fair and justified. I am praying for all of them too in this because they are hurting as much as you are. HOwever, you have begun the process of honesty and thats not easy. You could have just stopped journaling on here with a "I don't have time and I am going through too much" and nobody would have thought a thing about it except to miss you. You did own up to this and that takes courage. I have to acknowledge that for you and I am proud you did this.

I don't know what all has really happend to you Beth. I guess sometimes when someone lies, it becomes very hard to know what to believe. But I do believe you are a kind and caring person and that you didn't set out to hurt people. I do know that of course you have repsonsiblity but I really have to say, this man you were married to Won/Jon has clearly been a poison in your life on about every level there is. Don't let his sickness seep into your life anymore. You share a daughter so you have to have some contact but clearly you need this man out of your life. It sounds like he is, keep it that way darlin, he's a sick bas****.

I hope you will continue to journal. It will take courage but I hope you will. Keep with the therapy, you clearly need someone to help you through this who is professional. But please don't leave altogether. Its tough I know but remember the truth can and has set you free. You need to come clean if there is anything else and then move on. Others have pointed out some inconsistencies and maybe you need to address those, I don't know. This is all very hard and I am just at a loss. But I do know that you have supported me and since I was not on that first journal, I cannot say that you have ever been anything but a good friend to me. I don't forget my friends Beth, ever.

I am sorry to go on and on. But I do love you Beth. You were there for me, let me be there for you. If you choose not to Wish, you have my email address, I would love to hear from you. But I hope you'll stay.

You are in my prayers Wish Sis.