Broke the news to my mother!

[TinkBride]

It isn't possible to get my mother and his mother over for a few days as neither could afford it, flights alone are really expensive that time of year.
As for having the ceremony albeit a small one here, to be honest I don't want that as I always wanted to go abroad and get married, preferably in Disney, I am now getting my dream, thanks to my fiance

Sounds like you have your answer, that you and your DF decided, and that is exactly what you should do.......

 

[Maggimus]

No I am not a mother.. and it has nothing to do with me being a mother. It has to do with the wishes of the bride and the groom. Its what they want. Like I said, it isnt a slap in the face to the parents.. it has nothing to do with them. The realtionship between two people... they arent marrying each others parents, they are marrying each other. I think TinkBride and I are on the same page here. If you love your child.... you have to let them be happy. I think KimnKel said it very well when she made the quote

"A parent's job is to give their children roots....and wings."

WINGS... to make their own decisions, and be happy. I love my family so much... and Summer-Caitlin said that she planned on having a reception at home to celebrate with everyone. Let your kids live out THEIR live goals and DREAMS... you have your life to live yours!

My first decision to not have my parents there didnt anger my family. Ofcourse they wanted to be there, and ofcoarse I gave in. But now i have grandparents feeling left out.. its just not worth it.

Summer-Caitlin- You arent selfish a bit. You stand by your feelings and dont listen to anyone else. Its your day, its your family, and its YOUR decision.

 

[antmaril]

I'm done.

 

[TinkBride]

I hope and pray that when my son gets married, he wants us there. I'd like to think he will.

Would you want him to pay your way and possibly go in debt to pay your way if he couldn't afford it?

 

[gradtchr]

I would like to know one thing - Are you a mother?

If not, you won't know until you have children.

If yes, I don't really know what to say. I don't know any parent who doesn't want to be present when their child is married. It's not to live their dream through their children. In my case, I had my dream wedding 32 years ago and I can't imagine that day without my parents. It was a celebration of love and that included my parents.

I find this business of "It's their day and they should do whatever makes them happy" very disconcerting.

I hope and pray that when my son gets married, he wants us there. I'd like to think he will.

They did not say that they would not WANT to be present, but it depends on the child and what they want ultimately in their lives. I've had one friend elope because her Mom wanted their dream wedding through their child and if she were not wearing a ballgown style dress with a huge bow and sparkles her mom was going to be upset. My friend eloped and her parents accepted it and her dad even thanked her. Point is that there are times parents do try to push their thoughts and beliefs on their children whether their children want it or not. Since I do have family on the Dis let me just say that this does NOT apply to my parents but it does happen to others.

My DH's parents wanted to be with us but they were not able to travel and honestly we had no ties to the community they are currently living in it's not where DH grew up and we had no reason to get married there. They were not upset, nor were they hurt because they knew that physically they could not be there. Did it cause us to change our plans? No we knew going in that even if we had the wedding in my hometown where we grew up they would not be able to attend so we looked elsewhere. It was important for me to have my family there and they were.

Each person has a different opinion of what they want for their big day, this is a commitment you are making to the person you will hopefully spend your life with and if you want it to be private then that is your choice and I wish you the best.

 

[TinkBride]

Summer-Caitlin:

P.S. i know what you are going through.......

I come from a LARGE Italian family that one cannot even go to the bathroom without everyone knowing and being involved....... And weddings? A WHOLE other story......

But, we are keeping it to parents and siblings ONLY.........and the backlash is brutal.....but we are not budging......

 

[Maggimus]

exactly... I like your thinking TinkBride!

Summer-Caitlin.... we are here for you

 

[TinkBride]

exactly... I like your thinking Tink!

Summer.... we are here for you

We are just the fearless brides!

Summer: regardless your wedding is going to be beautiful and you are going to be so happy! Your mother will be by your side no matter if she is there physically or in your thoughts. She will come around, that's what Moms do, bite there tongues and smile.

My parents were FURIOUS when I moved out of state, they would barely talk to me and now they say "You moving was a good idea, we are so glad you did not listen to us, cause you are so happy, and we wouldn't want to take that from you."

Your mom is still your mom and she loves you no matter what.

 

[Maggimus]

gradtchr you are so right! Parents do push their beliefs on their kids. I was fortunate enough to not have those parents, but I grew up with many kids who werent as fortunate. Without realizing it, parents have a hold on their kids. And their children go along with it because they dont want to hurt their parents feelings (Which trust me- and as you all know- we already feel bad enough when we hurt our parents feelings.. and we know when we do- we dont need our mothers shoving it in our faces that we didnt invite them, or how hurt they are.... we know already, we know!). But love is a give and take on all partys.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Firstly Thank you Maggimus I had tears in my eyes when I read your post!

It isn't possible to get my mother and his mother over for a few days as neither could afford it, flights alone are really expensive that time of year.
As for having the ceremony albeit a small one here, to be honest I don't want that as I always wanted to go abroad and get married, preferably in Disney, I am now getting my dream, thanks to my fiance

We will be paying for a lavish reception when we come home and I figured that would be okay with everyone, and I know it's not the same, but it's how we wanted it to be.

I wanted peoples opinion on this cause I know many people elope so they must have had similar issues, plus I'm so head in the clouds right now about planning the Wedding, I don't think I can be objective

Your wedding is about a year away. Why not get a complete breakdown of how much everything will cost. Show your mom the list and LET HER decide if she's able to come up with the money. She may be willing to work a few hours a week to earn the money.

Why not offer to pay just her airfare if she'll cover all other cost? Maybe the airfare could be her Christmas, Mother's Day and birthday gifts for the year. (or maybe two)

Do the two mothers get along? If so, they can share a room. Sharing a room will lower the cost for both of them.

They do not have to stay in Orlando for three weeks. I could leave a few days after the wedding.

The two moms can buddy up and tour the parks together (even without rides they will have a blast)or just relax at the hotel.

The parents could do a very BUDGET trip. The goal for them would be to be present when their children are married.

As a mother there are certain things I expect to take part in.
First day of school
All graduations
Moving off to college
WEDDINGS
I GET TO SPOIL MY GRANDCHILDREN

I think it's very selfish to exclude parents from a wedding

 

[Maggimus]

I really cant say enough how horrible this is.


SELFISH.. let me define selfish :caring too much about one's self (Webster)

Hmm... Parents.... Dont you fall under that category. Isnt that the pot calling the kettle black?

Give it up- in life... dont EXPECT anything.... Be appreciative for the great experiences and roll on... never EXPECT.... unless you wanna live a life deeply depressed in the pits of sorrow. C'mon.. dont make her feel bad.

 

[TinkBride]

lol.......HELLO???? so true Maggimus.....so true.......

Parents.....new approach.....how about letting your children......just.....be....happy....?

Neither me, Maggimus, or even Summer-Cailtin are saying that our moms are not important or that we don's consider their feelings.......or that their feelings are not important.......

My mom is the most important, influential, and amazing people in my life......but sometimes i just gotta say no to things she wants, it is a give and take just like any other relationship......

Life is sometimes about letting go.......

 

[Maggimus]

Summer-Caitlin- We will be your own personal cheerleading squad ! And we are advocated for rights of all brides. lol...

 

[dannirose]

I find it interesting that people have no problem saying a bride and groom are selfish for wanting to elope but it is just as selfish to force them to do something they can not afford to do.

A lot of the time too much emphasis is put on the wedding and not enough on the marriage - the couple should be able to start their life together however they choose without guilt trips and judgments. The most important element of the marriage is the couple's love - not how big the reception was or who was there.

No I am not a mother before you ask. And yes my own mother very definitely would be upset if I got married without her there. But if I went against her wishes and eloped I also know my mother would forgive me and continue to love me (and probably lament loudly about it at every family gathering, it's what we Italians do ). And while she might not admit it to anyone else she would also respect the fact that I am an adult fully capable of making my own decisions. It is what she instilled in me as she was raising me.

Summer-Caitlin, this really is something only you can decide in the end. Whatever your decision is though, you do have support on this board, and most importantly, in your DF.

 

[TinkBride]

But if I went against her wishes and eloped I also know my mother would forgive me and continue to love me (and probably lament loudly about it at every family gathering, it's what we Italians do ). QUOTE]


What is it with us Italians and sharinf our business with the world?

My family is the same way.....

 

[Maggimus]

so sweet dannirose... and true

 

[Funniebunny]

We have slightly the opposite problem, we've invited parents but David's parents wont come. His Dad is 72 and has only ever travelled to and from Ireland and his Mum (who would like to come) wont come alone. We are trying to work on them but at the moment the answer is no, I think David was upset to begin with but he understands and has accepted their wishes. I would hope that if it was the other way round they would accept our wishes.
We are with you Summer, keep your chin up

 

[kimnkel]

Hey ladies--no tiffs...just different opinions. This wedding thang ("thang" as we say down South) is an emotional topic. Let's agree to disagree, but let us stay buddies. We are all in this together.

May I just say one more thing? Let's be respectful of the fact that for some moms to not be present at one of our childrens' weddings would be beyond imagining. Let's understand and wrap our minds around that reality. We may not "get" or appreciate that, but let us at least accept it.

Having said that, however, I stick by my earlier comments: Each bride (and groom) are entitled to do things their way. The wedding is symbolic of the new life together--a leaving of the old, and a cleaving of the new. So, yes, there may be some hurt feelings in the process. Growth and change are painful.

The assumption is that we will do it all as lovingly as possible; we will not unnecessarily hurt others' feelings while being true to ourselves. (I know, it sounds all "New Agey"--sorry.) It's not an easy task, but then nothing worthwhile ever is.

Summer-Caitlin--try to understand that just as you have your dream, so too does your mother. I am not saying you should neccessarily allow her dream to take primacy over yours, I am just suggesting you accept that as a base premise. Perhaps from that perspective you can truly understand her point of view, and it will hopefully aid in the soothing of feelings that must come if there is to be any harmony.

Okay, enough from me. I just hope this helps.

 

[dannirose]

so sweet dannirose... and true

Thank you - I lived in Seymour for a while, the Smokies are so pretty!

 

[fireplug]

As a dads opinion..............

I think you should have a small ceremony at home and then do whatever you want when you go to WDW. Mom will get to see you walk down the aisle and you can have your fairytale stuff too. I have no idea what your realtionship with your mother is but I would bet that somewhere down the line she gave up a dream or two for you. Don't you think you could see it in your heart to share your dream with her even a little.

Steve