Daily joke thread......

[Born 2 Fish]

Good News: The postman's early.

Bad News: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.

Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

------------------------------------

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even considereating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?" "Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied .

--------------------------------------


The governor's mansion in Tennessee burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss, too.
Both books -- poof! -- up in flames
and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY !

Postby Fish'n Frank » Fri Dec 04, 2009 9:49 am


Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.



A Georgia state trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to
the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"



Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age
in Oklahoma to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.


A guy from Alabama passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow,
but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.


What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alabama?
Documentaries.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Some Camping Tips

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.

When smoking a fish, never inhale.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheard of. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Effective January 1, 1997, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read “Beat on a rock in stream.”

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Two women friends had gone for a girls night out. Both were faithful and loving wives, however they had been over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they stopped in the cemetery. They had nothing to wipe with, so one of them decided to take off her underwear and use them. Her friend however, was wearing an expensive pair and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These
girls nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her a$$ that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A cop stops a woman for speeding, walks up to the car, and asks to see her license.

"Oh, dear," she says. "I don't have a license--I lost my license last year for drunk driving."
"OK, lady, I need to see your registration."
"Uh, well, that's a problem, because actually, I stole this car."
"Then I'll need to search the car for weapons."
"Well, " she says, "you'd better not open the trunk."
"Why not?"
"Well, actually, my ex-husband is in the trunk, all chopped up in plastic packages. Oh, yes, there are some guns, too and be careful--you might set off the bomb that's in there with him."

The cop gets on the radio and calls for backup, and soon the lady's car is surrounded with police cars with lights flashing, officers with guns drawn, and the Bomb Squad. The sergeant takes over and approaches the car.

"Now, Ma'am," he says, "my officer tells me that you have no license, this is a stolen car, there's a dismembered body in the trunk and you are transporting weapons and a bomb."

"Oh, officer, that's so silly," she replies, handing over her license and registration. "Here's my license and registration, all correct; of course this is my car, and there's certainly no body, weapons nor a bomb in my trunk--you're welcome to look!

Then she adds,
"And I bet that liar told you I was speeding, too!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Time to post these beauties again,,,

-
THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE AN UNHEALTHY DISNEY OBSESSION

10. You know how many hairs are on the leg of the drunken pirate sitting on the bridge.
9. You have more Disney movies than Blockbuster.
8. Your favorite song is "Zippity-Doo-Dah".
7. When you hear people talking about "the underprivileged", you assume they are referring to those who have to stay off-site.
6. You refer to Wal-Mart and McDonald's employees as "cast members".
5. You've added spires and turrets to the roof of your house.
4. You tried to pay your electric bill with Disney Dollars.
3. Your children's names are Ariel and Alladin.
2. You pray that nobody will ever discover your dirty little secret: That you sneak out of bed in the middle of the night, logon to the internet, and drool over online pictures of WDW.
1. You're reading this.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

What do Winnie-the-Pooh and his pots have in common?
Both have hunny in them.
----------------------------
What does Winnie-the-Pooh and Bozo the Clown have in common
The same middle name.
----------------------------
Why didn't Winnie-the-Pooh order dessert?
He was already stuffed.
----------------------------
What did the Daisy Duck say when she bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.
----------------------------
Why did Goofy wear two pairs of pants when he played golf?
He thought he might get a hole in one.
----------------------------
What kind of blush does Mulan wear?
Mulan Rouge
----------------------------
What did Snow White say after she dropped off her film to be developed?
Some day my PRINTS will come.
----------------------------
Why did Dopey take a box of crayons with him into the bedroom?
Snow White asked him to draw the curtains.
----------------------------
What does Baloo need to live?
The Bear Necessities.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Ryan was out late with friends one night. Suddenly, he realized it was Father's Day and he had neglected to buy a card for his dad. After much searching, Ryan located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on the rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and presented it to his father.
Upon opening it, his dad read the message: "You've been like a father to me." He looked at Ryan, puzzled.
"Well, Dad," Ryan tried to explain, "it was either that or the card that said, 'Now that I'm a father too!'"
--------------------------------------------

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had", the child quipped.
-------------------------------------------

"Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?"
"But I've given you 10 glasses of water already!"
"Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Jeremy asks his wife Naomi what she wants for their 25th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new diamond bracelet?" he asks.
"Not really," says Naomi.
"Well how about a Lexus sports car?" says Jeremy.
"No," she replies.
"What about a holiday home in the south of France?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" Jeremy asks.
"I'd like a divorce, Jeremy," answers Naomi.
"Oy, I wasn't planning to spend that much!" says Jeremy.
---------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and
wife.”

 

[Born 2 Fish]

I may have already posted this one,,if I did, here it is again,,,


A man is sitting in a bar drinking a beer when a young lady walks up and says "So what are you drinking?" The man replies casually "Magic beer" and the lady asks "What kind of magic beer?" "What's so special about it?!?" says the man. He proceeds to get up and flies around the room 3 times and sits back down. The lady snaps "I bet you couldn't do that again even if your life depended on it!" So he gets up and flies around the room 3 more times. The lady says "I'll have what he's having!" She chugs it down and goes to the roof and jumps - falling to her death. The bartender looks at the man sitting at the bar and says "Superman, you're a jerk when your drunk."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."
---------------------------------------------------

What goes oo ooo oooo? A cow with no lips.

("no lips")

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Happy July 4



"Why did Washington chop down the cherry tree with his hatchet?"
"Because his mom wouldn't let him play with the chain saw!"
---------------------------------------
"The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia. True or false?" "False! It was written in ink!"
---------------------------------------
Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER


1.. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says - something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy




SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :

1.. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.



OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!



Thoughts for the weekend:


Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr- Alt- Delete' and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called 'labor!'

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.



Ponderisms:

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.



Garden Rule:When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.



The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?


In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

But Most Of All, Remember!
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Never take life seriously.. Nobody gets out alive anyway!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."


-----------------------------------------

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

When Fishermen Meet

"Hiyamac"

"Lobuddy"

"Binearlong?"

"Coplours"

"Cetchenny?"

"Goddafew"

"Kindarthay?"

"Bassencarp"

"Ennysizetoom?"

"Couplapowns"

"Hittinhard?"

"Sordalike"

"Wachoosen?"

"Gobbawurms"

"Fishanonaboddum?"

"Rydononaboddum"

"Whatchadrinkin?"

"Jugajimbeam"

"Igoddago"

"Tubad"

"Seeyaroun"

"Yeahtakideezy"

"Guluck"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A string walks into a bar.

He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we don't serve strings". So the string leaves.

The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we do not serve strings, please go away."

The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string.

He goes in and asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Hey aren't you that string that's been coming in here all the time."

They string replys "No I'm a freyed knot".

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Next time you have a bad day at work,
think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana .
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a
worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.


Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma a with you to make
you realize it's not so bad after all .

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to
the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial
water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the
sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped
to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it
several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose
and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with
warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So
of course, I scratched it .. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I
Realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other
divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as
soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt
was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad
day?

May you NEVER wanna have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Why is it called "Fast Food"?
It's called "fast" food because you're supposed to eat it really fast. Otherwise, you might actually taste it.

What do you get if you play McDonald's Monopoly 30 Days Straight?
A Heart Attack!!

What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
Wasabi!

What are the best days of the week in FastFoodland?
Fry-day and Sundae!

How is the trans-fat free Starbucks better than before?
The new trans-fat free Frappacino will pad your rear-end without clogging your arteries!

 

[mtblujeans]

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'

The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired Continental Airlines pilot from Houston.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.'

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?'

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

 

[Born 2 Fish]

What has two holes, no legs, but runs ?

A nose.
__________________________

What kind of nut has no shell ?

A doughnut .
__________________________

Why did the elephant cross the road ?

Because it was the chicken's day off.
__________________________

Pretend you are in a jungle and a TIGER is chasing you. What do you do ???

Stop pretending.