Daily joke thread......

[Born 2 Fish]

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.

The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."

The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. He rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing "Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.
___________________________________

'A woman went into a post office to buy some stamps for her Christmas cards. What denomination do you want ? asked the lady at the counter. 'Good God!' she replied, Has it come to this? I suppose you'd better give me twenty Catholic and twenty Presbyterian.
___________________________________

It was Christmas and everyone seemed to he having a great time, but Father O'Rourke was not. He suddenly said to Father Kelly 'You know what. I'm fed up with all this good behaviour and clean living. Why don't go out and have good old sinful night out. We could drink, go with loose women and do whatever takes our fancy.' Are you mad?' replied Father Kelly 'This is a small town. Everyone knows who we are.' 'I don't mean we should do it here.' said his colleague. 'We could dress like everyone else and take the train to the city'

After much persuasion Father Kelly agreed to do so and off they went that night and partied until morning. They arrived home very much the worse for wear and it was then that the enormity of what they had done began to dawn on Father Kelly. 'Oh my God. We're going to have to confess our misdemeanor.' 'Don't worry.' replied Father O'Rourke 'I've already thought about this. You get changed and go into the confessional and I'll tell you all about my misdeeds and you can absolve me. Then, I'll do the same for you.'

So, a short while later Father O'Rourke went to the church and entered the confessional. 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I went out with a friend to celebrate Christmas ast night and got drunk, had sexual relations with women, danced to wicked music and used foul language.' Father Kelly replied 'God is patient and forgiving and so am I. Do five Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and your sins will be forgiven.'

A short while later their positions were reversed and Father Kelly confessed everything in great detail. 'This is an outrage.' exclaimed Father O'Rourke. 'What kind of priest are you? Do five hundred Our Fathers, Five hundred Hail Marys, donate all you income for the next three months to the church, go right round the church on your knees fifty times, asking God's forgiveness as you do so. Then come back to me and maybe I'll consider absolution.' 'What?' said the astonished Father Kelly 'What about our agreement?' Father O'Rourke replied 'What I do with my time off is one thing, but I take my job very seriously.'

 

[Born 2 Fish]

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it.

I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower.

"Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?

She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!

___________________________

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

_________________________

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
________________________________

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in,fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A Mans Guide to Holiday Etiquette (non camping)

The holidays are just around the corner, and if you're like me, living in a mixed marriage (I'm a redneck. She ain't), getting to January two is some seriously delicate work. Screwing up can be just as nasty as walking tightrope on a half-rotted hog fence, so here are a few special hints for entertaining the non-down home folk.

1. It is inappropriate to wear camo to your wife's company Christmas party. I don't care if you have to be in a tree stand come the next morning at the crack of dawn looking for Super Buck. You can't do it. It's definitely frowned upon. Also faux pas is driving to the event in your truck if you've not hosed the back out from the last carcas transport.

2. Recycled Cool Whip containers shouldn't get used for serving raw veggies or to let guests take a little dessert home. Keep 'em under the sink, fellas. She wants her celery and carrots set up on a plate, preferably China or glass, not Chinette.

3. Spring for new cutlery; don't use the ones Aunt Margaret washed after the barbecue you had that summer. Someone might recognize teeth marks or broken tines on plastic utensils, so if you're not using real metal ones out of the silverware drawer, be sure to buy new.

4. Don't take a beer with you caroling, Christmas service, or to the Church pageant play. Folks tend to frown on the sound of a can being opened in church. If you simply want something to keep warm with, stick some Kahlua in your mug and tell everybody it's egg nog.

5. Don't wrap presents with duct tape and newspaper; you rarely get away with that unless it's the funnies.

6. Don't take a six-pack or wine coolers to your host's house in leu of a host/hostess gift.

7. If you invite folks to have a bowl of warm chilli at your house, it's deemed apropriate to let them know if the stew contains anything other than hamburger (ground squirrel, bear, opossum, etc.) Usually you let them know before they eat it.

8. When expecting guests, it's common courtesy to move the car parts off the dining room table and stow them in the garage before they get there. No, you can't just move them to the floor.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

I remember my dad was chopping in a toy store. He said, "That's a terrific train set. I'll buy it."
The Clerk said, "Great, I'm sure your son will love it."
Dad said, "Maybe you're right. I'll take two."
_________________________

I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so he'd know when to stop unwrapping.
________________________

I know. I know. I know that people say "It's the thought that counts, not the gift", but couldn't people think a little biger!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ....

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A three year old once gave this reaction to her Christmas dinner:
"I don't like the turkey, but I like the bread he ate."
------------------------------

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy shoud get something "practical" for Christmas. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."
--------------------------

There was the little boy who approached Santa in a department store with a long list of requests. He wanted a bicycle and a sled, a chemical set, a cowboy suit, a set of trains, a baseball glove and roller skates.
"That's a pretty long list," Santa said sternly. "I'll have to check in my book and see if you were a good boy."
"No, no," the youngster said quickly. "Never Mind checking. I'll just take the roller skates."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A Dog's Rules For Christmas
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: - Don't pee on the tree - Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree - Mind your tail when you are near the tree - If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open - Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: - Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans - Don't eat off the buffet table - Beg for goodies subtly - Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa - Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: - Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) - Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house - Tolerate children - Turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Holiday Diet

The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...

Breakfast:

1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:

4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:

The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:

2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:

Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.

Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.

Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER!
STRESSED spelled backwards=DESSERTS

 

[Born 2 Fish]

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
"Do I have to eat my Brussel sprouts?"

Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
He was feeling crummy.

What did one angel say to the other angel?
Halo there!

What did one Christmas tree say to the other Christmas tree?
I really go fir you!

What did Santa say when his toys misbehaved?
Toys will be toys.

What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!!

What did the grape say to the raisin?
'Tis the season to be jelly.

What is Santa's favorite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.
What is Frosty's favorite breakfast cereal?
Snow Flakes.

 

[MikeTyson]

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Holiday Etiquette for Dogs

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

- - don't pee on the tree
- - don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
- - mind your tail when you are near the tree
- - if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
- - don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:

- - not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
- - don't eat off the buffet table
- - beg for goodies subtly
- - be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
- - don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:

- -observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses.
- - respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
- - tolerate children
- - turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
_________________________________


Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the
week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside
their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began
praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and
said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!

I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

 

[donaldduck352]

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school.
Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer)

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You'll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!


What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?

Sandy Claus!


How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!


If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?

A subordinate claus.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Santa Stats

* The U.S. has 78 people registered under S. Claus
and one under Kriss Kringle.
* December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
* The average wage of a mall Santa is $11 an hour.
With his own beard it's $20 an hour.
* The weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie
Baby for every kid on earth is 333,333 tons,
* The number of reindeers required to pull a 333,333 ton
sleigh: 214,206 plus Rudolph.
* To deliver all his gifts in one night, Santa would have
to make 822.6 visits per second (at 3,00 times the speed
of sound.)
* At this speed, Santa and his reindeer would
instantaneously burst into flames in Earth's
atmosphere.


There are three stages of life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Claus


Q: How do you know Santa Claus has to be a man?
A: No woman would wear the same