How fast it all changed.

[HeyIt'sMe]

Dear Rodeo ~ I am so sorry for your loss. I will continue to pray for you and your children. Please keep us updated on how you are doing.

 

[HeyIt'sMe]

Dear Rodeo. I am sad for you and your children, but I am glad for your husband, that his suffering is over. You should be able to take great comfort in knowing that he was at peace and that you were his staunchest advocate till the end. Don't fret about anything that happened or that you weren't there when he actually passed; you were there at the more important times and that's very likely how he wanted it. That time of being there with someone right after they pass is also special. I also believe their spirit is still there and seeing and hearing what's going on, even at that time (and I always act accordingly, as well).

Look for signs in the coming days that his spirit may try to send to you to let you know he heard you. Don't let anyone tell you it's silly, because its not, and it can bring comfort when it occurs. I also believe he will be watching over you all and helping with things when he can from wherever he is. The reason I say this is because I lost my father over thirty years ago and some of the things that have happened in that regard for me and our family are really amazing. In retrospect they've often occurred at times that were special, or when I was in need.

Because many here have also shared some pretty profound experiences in their own lives to help you cope, in light of this thread, I will too. I hope it helps. I have many to choose from.

Once when I was newly diagnosed with cancer myself, I'd picked an oncologist and had my first appointment set up, but I kept having nagging thoughts that it didn't feel right, and I didn't know why. Having learned over the years to pay attention to these things, I started looking through the list of numerous other oncologists. One stood out to me. So I called to make an appointment with her. I was told on the phone she wasn't taking new patients and that was that, the girl on the phone wouldn't budge. I was left with a devastated feeling in the pit of my stomach for several days, and I couldn't shake it. So I decided to call back and try to plead my case again. (Which is a gift I'd gotten from my father - my tenacity.) This time I got a kind woman on the phone and explained to her that for some reason I felt I really needed to see this doctor, and asked if she would she ask the doctor if she'd see me, whatever appointment she had, I'd take, etc. I was on hold for a few minutes, but when she came back, she told me the doctor said yes, and we made my first appointment. I felt a big sense of relief about it, even though at the time, I was quite anxious in general, as a mother with young children dealing with an aggressive cancer that I'd never expected at that time in my life, etc.

So treatment started with her, and several weeks went by, when a cousin of mine on my father's side arranged a get-together for three of us in the family that had had cancer, as sort of a little support group. On that side of the family, I am the youngest, and one of the other cousins there was the oldest; he and I didn't know eachother as he was an adult when I was born. We certainly were never in touch and lived quite a distance apart. He'd had a very serious type of cancer and things hadn't looked good for him for a while. Yet, he'd made it through, and here he was sharing his experiences with me. So lo and behold, he mentioned who his oncologist was, and I nearly - yup, guess who - the doctor I was seeing! That would be so like my father to push me towards something because he thought, or in this case, knew, it was best!

Feelings and intuition count here, so always pay attention!

Another. I was always a little sad that my father had never known my children. I did try to keep his memory alive with them, though, by taking about him and sharing stories and pictures, etc. I felt there was somehow a closeness there, but still, I often wondered if his spirit knew them. And just as often I got signs that he did. Once when our children were young, we'd taken them to Coney Island. I was standing in a particular spot and suddenly had a flashback to being there with my family when I was young. Right at that moment I saw a twinkle on the ground, and there was a dime - and upon further inspecation, a penny! - right where we were standing. You hear about pennies from heaven, and honestly I never gave them much thought, but coins often did show up for us at significant moments - a lot. Another time I remember was when I was putting my twins on the bus for kindergarten for the first time. Same thing, I looked down, and two coins were right where we were standing waiting for the bus! Not convinced? Yeah, to me, it was a little hokey too. So, we'll take it one step further! (Yikes, I might be here all day writing these stories!)

You know how state governments have those "lost money" websites? Well again, a cousin on my father's side of the family let me know that he saw my father's name on the website, and that I should check it out. So I did. But it was a royal PIA trying to actually get at whatever it was, as I had to confirm my father's address on it, and I didn't actually know what it was, as it was from long before he'd lived in the house that his family had for years that I knew. But I persevered and somehow managed to get at this lost thing. Well it finally came in the mail, and turns out it was a very old insurance policy that his mother - my grandmother (who I always felt was my own guardian angel and had never actually met) - had taken out on my father when he was just ten years old - in 1929! Seeing this actual policy application, which was handwritten by my grandmother so long ago in fountain pen and ink, I was just truly amazed! The dates were right there on it. And as I looked at it, I realized something: my own children were ten years old right then, as well! How bizarre was that, that something like this, with these types of details, should happen right at that very time? Something that had started 79 years earlier! And sure, it came with a few bucks, but seeing my grandmother's handwriting and the synchronicity of the policy being taken out when my father was ten, and my own children being ten then, meant much more to me. Priceless, as they say.

One more, for us Disney lovers. I had gone to a medium, primarily for entertainment. I certainly didn't expect to get a reading that night, as I was in a crowd of 150 or so people. And I'd gone to see someone else, but he had a guest with him, and allowed her to do some readings, for fun, so what happened to me was super unexpected. But anyway, this lady started saying some things about a man spirit coming through - the first of the night! - that hit home with me, and she asked that if it had significance to anyone, that they should please stand up. Reluctantly, I stood up. She kept up, and asked people to keep standing if what she was saying meant anything. Lots of people sat down. Till there were just a couple of us standing. Then she got real specific. One thing in particular that she said really blew me away, and still does to this day. But more and more, she kept going. She mentioned at one point that this person was a veteran. The other person standing said her father was a Vietnam veteran. This lady said, no, this is WWII, I am seeing the planes. My father was WWII. Ten or fifteen minutes went by and she just kept hitting home with thing after thing she said. But here's where it gets better. She told me, and this was directed right at me, that I'd be going to Hawaii. I said, no, that wasn't possible; that I was going to FL, but not Hawaii. She was adamant that no, it was Hawaii, as "this spirit was showing her leis being put around our necks". Hmm. She said, well, idk what it means, but that she'd leave me with that. Ok. On the way home we stopped for an ice cream and a lady who was in front of me in line with a small child turned around and started talking to me. I was a little dazed, thinking about all that had just occurred, so I wasn't paying a ton of attention to what she was saying, when all of a sudden she blurts out the date of her grandaughter's birthday. The date she mentioned was my father's birth date, too, so that did get my attention. It was like icing on the cake that night; a verification of sorts, Hearing his birthday out of the blue in the midst of my wondering if what I'd just experienced could actually be real, and of the 365 days in the year, she picks that one...

So months went by, that reading was in April. We had a WDW trip scheduled for September. In August, I got a call from Disney that there was going to be construction at the Contemporary Resort, where we were booked, so they were moving us over to the Polynesian and upgrading us to "Concierge Level" (as it was called at the time). I was furious, as I really wanted to stay at the CR, it was my birthday and yada, yada, yada. But nope, we had to move, they told us. And they assured us we'd love it there. After that phone call, I plopped in a chair, pulled out my Unofficial Guide, and started reading and learning about the Polynesian (as we were still relatively new to Disney at that time). The first lines said something to the effect of, "Disney does a wonderful job of transporting their guests to the South Seas of Hawaii". Whoa. Then I learned that the building we'd be staying in was named the Hawaii building. Whoa. Moments ago Hawaii had no significance to me, but suddenly, it did! I was pretty floored. And the day we arrived to the Hawaii building on a golf cart, a man and woman in Hawaiian shirts were standing outside with leis to put around our necks! I was actually crying! Because I knew somehow this experience related to my father - he'd told me about it through that medium. And a beautiful experience it was. One of the best ever at Disney for us. And actually, it was just about the last totally carefree birthday I had because the next year, right around my birthday, I was diagnosed with cancer, so my life sort of changed after that, though every birthday I've had since is a gift.

I'm sorry this got so long-winded, I just wanted to try to show you, as a fellow mother, that even though your children's father is gone from this earth, I do believe spirits remain around us and will let us know that, often in very subtle ways, so teach your children to pay attention to these little happenings. It's not the same as his actually being there, obviously, but it should bring some comfort, and seeing the bigger picture means that his spirit is somewhere, and if that's so, that we can hope to meet up again in the future.

* If people think this is interesting and they want to learn more, there is a book called "When God Winks" that talks about how to recognize some of these things when they happen. Someone lent me the book during my cancer experience, and it was huge for me. If nothing else, it gets you thinking about it and helps open your mind to the possibilities, even if you aren't really sure what to believe.

Will be thinking about you and praying for your family over the next few days, Rodeo.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

(And right now I am going to call my FIL to tell him about DS's game yesterday, cherishing the time he's got left and the fact that my kids have been fortunate enough to have one grandfather who loves them in their day to day lives. It's a beautiful gift we've all been given here on this thread as a reminder of just how precious every day is.

Love to all!)

Edit for grammar

I 100% agree with this!. I've had some pretty amazing things happen in my life and know in my heart that departed loved ones are still around loving, guiding and supporting us. Yes, feelings and intuition count! My MIL told me about the book "When God Winks" after my FIL passed away. I would also recommend reading it.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

I am so, so sorry. Your family will continue to be in my prayers.

 

[zoo2tycoon]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[rodeo65]

Excited family - I do pray for you and your family also. There are so many things to do, to consider right now and I know how your brain is whirling. As so many have said to me, keep breathing, lean here for support. As you've seen the level of care and compassion here is magnificent.

This thread was started the day our world was upended. I was just looking for somewhere to dump everything I was thinking and feeling. In the five weeks since, it has become my sanity. The place I've been able to release everything I'm dealing with, get information, wisdom, support, prayers and unity. I truly don't believe I could have navigated these waters without it. I can get everything I'm thinking about out on "paper" here while tears pour and not have to worry about whether I'm making people uncomfortable as I would in real life. I don't have to be anything here, no one knows me, knows my history or life. I can just live in the moment.

Thank you all for your continuing interest - we're just a little Canadian family who happened to get hit by the freight train that is cancer, as so many have. I will continue to post here, because I know this is only the beginning shift in circumstance that has changed my children's paths and mine. Where we go from here is unknown, scary, unfathomable. I know there are much wiser posters here than me that will continue to offer their experience and suggestions as we begin to navigate it all.

This morning, I woke my dad early (for him) and got him to finalise an appointment with the funeral home he thought was the best option while I went back to the hospice to pick up DH's belongings. For the poster who asked - I don't have an issue sharing his name in PM and have for those who asked to say a specific prayer for him, but not publicly. He was very guarded that way. I'd probably gone ahead and shared publicly too, but again...respecting what I know he'd want. Actually, though I rarely used his name. I always called him Buddy, as he did me. We were best friends. I can't believe all the not going to do's ahead of me. He had already been picked up by the funeral home when I arrived.

I waffled about calling MIL - after yesterday should I do it or should I have the hospice handle that? In the end I decided I needed to make the call myself. It was brief. Cold, even, but I did what I felt was respectful and let her know from me. She may have felt the opposite - that I disrespected her by calling. If she did, so be it. She asked nothing about arrangements, and having not made any yet, I didn't offer anything. I doubt I'll hear from her again.

I spent two hours making the arrangements this afternoon and the kids and I are going back shortly for a final viewing before cremation. DD picked his clothes; one particular shirt he always wore to every function/celebration/event we ever attended. It had become a family joke - dad and his polka dot shirt. She insisted he wear it although his normal attire was jeans and a T-shirt since he worked from home. I chose the basic pine cremation box because they are providing markers for us to use to draw and write messages. I liked that idea. We can say anything else we want to say and it will join him for eternity. Plus, frugal guy that he was he'd be coming back to haunt me (yes, black humour is my friend today) if I'd dared to spend the kind of money on a regular casket to be burned. We will also each be having a jewellery remembrance made with some of his ashes. I chose the urn for the rest of his remains and the poem that will be engraved on it. The legal stuff was guided by the director, who was wonderful. We still have to plan the celebration of life but I feel at least now we are honouring him in a way that will mean something to us and the major stuff is done. What kind of sandwiches are served is...not that relevant.

I have felt all of the support and prayer over these past weeks and so strongly in the most recent days. It means everything to me.

 

[llcoolj]

Excited family - I do pray for you and your family also. There are so many things to do, to consider right now and I know how your brain is whirling. As so many have said to me, keep breathing, lean here for support. As you've seen the level of care and compassion here is magnificent.

This thread was started the day our world was upended. I was just looking for somewhere to dump everything I was thinking and feeling. In the five weeks since, it has become my sanity. The place I've been able to release everything I'm dealing with, get information, wisdom, support, prayers and unity. I truly don't believe I could have navigated these waters without it. I can get everything I'm thinking about out on "paper" here while tears pour and not have to worry about whether I'm making people uncomfortable as I would in real life. I don't have to be anything here, no one knows me, knows my history or life. I can just live in the moment.

Thank you all for your continuing interest - we're just a little Canadian family who happened to get hit by the freight train that is cancer, as so many have. I will continue to post here, because I know this is only the beginning shift in circumstance that has changed my children's paths and mine. Where we go from here is unknown, scary, unfathomable. I know there are much wiser posters here than me that will continue to offer their experience and suggestions as we begin to navigate it all.

This morning, I woke my dad early (for him) and got him to finalise an appointment with the funeral home he thought was the best option while I went back to the hospice to pick up DH's belongings. For the poster who asked - I don't have an issue sharing his name in PM and have for those who asked to say a specific prayer for him, but not publicly. He was very guarded that way. I'd probably gone ahead and shared publicly too, but again...respecting what I know he'd want. Actually, though I rarely used his name. I always called him Buddy, as he did me. We were best friends. I can't believe all the not going to do's ahead of me. He had already been picked up by the funeral home when I arrived.

I waffled about calling MIL - after yesterday should I do it or should I have the hospice handle that? In the end I decided I needed to make the call myself. It was brief. Cold, even, but I did what I felt was respectful and let her know from me. She may have felt the opposite - that I disrespected her by calling. If she did, so be it. She asked nothing about arrangements, and having not made any yet, I didn't offer anything. I doubt I'll hear from her again.

I spent two hours making the arrangements this afternoon and the kids and I are going back shortly for a final viewing before cremation. DD picked his clothes; one particular shirt he always wore to every function/celebration/event we ever attended. It had become a family joke - dad and his polka dot shirt. She insisted he wear it although his normal attire was jeans and a T-shirt since he worked from home. I chose the basic pine cremation box because they are providing markers for us to use to draw and write messages. I liked that idea. We can say anything else we want to say and it will join him for eternity. Plus, frugal guy that he was he'd be coming back to haunt me (yes, black humour is my friend today) if I'd dared to spend the kind of money on a regular casket to be burned. We will also each be having a jewellery remembrance made with some of his ashes. I chose the urn for the rest of his remains and the poem that will be engraved on it. The legal stuff was guided by the director, who was wonderful. We still have to plan the celebration of life but I feel at least now we are honouring him in a way that will mean something to us and the major stuff is done. What kind of sandwiches are served is...not that relevant.

I have felt all of the support and prayer over these past weeks and so strongly in the most recent days. It means everything to me.

Rodeo-You are an inspiration and I wish peace for you and your family. You've been in my thoughts and prayers since you began the thread. You have continually done the right thing under horrific pressure. Your grace and love for your Buddy shines through every post.

 

[Disneylvr]

My first post in this thread, but I have been here since the first post. Thinking of you and your precious family every day.

 

[Minnesota!]

Your strength and your love for your Buddy is palpable in your post. Your grief, as well. Keep posting - not only is it therapeutic for you, but for a lot of us.

 

[anniemae]

Thank you for checking in Rodeo, I'm sure today was dreadful and horrible. You can come here to vent anytime, we are not going anywhere. The prayers will continue, and the support will continue until you tell us all to knock it off. You are doing a wonderful job leading your family through this, even if it feels you are fumbling. You are not. You are strong and your DH would be proud of you, I'm sure.

 

[okeydokey]

One thing I have learned is that there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Everyone does it the way they do it. The hardest thing sometimes is to have patience with yourself. As Mom, you spend your energy making sure everyone has what they need. Be sure to be kind to yourself as well. We will continue to keep you and your family in our hearts.

 

[manning]

At Rest. And our protector until the end.

Everything we thought we were planning for didn't happen. They called at 12:09 to say his breathing had changed - had become very rapid and laboured. The nurse still thought he had until morning but because I had stressed DD wanted to be there she thought it best to call. We got up and ready and arrived at the hospice at 12:34. He had taken his last breath while we were driving there. The nurses had freshened him up while we were coming and told him we were on our way. He had other plans. He waited until after midnight - until dad's birthday was over, but didn't let us witness his distress.

DD didn't get to have her last words while he was alive. Both kids wanted to see him. I asked DS if he was sure - it would be very unsettling as he hadn't seen him in a week. He did. I told DD his spirit would still be there for a time after his passing. She could still say what she needed to say. So she did. She asked for time alone and said what she had planned to say. Then DS went in and spoke with him also. We all sat with him after that. The nurse brought us each a butterfly ornament with a poem / saying attached and DS decided he wanted DH to touch his. He actually moved his hand up and placed the ornament under his hand for a while. DD asked me to do the same with hers. We took a picture of just his hands holding the butterflies.

In the end it was the one who didn't want to see his dad in his final moments, didn't want to see what he looked like at the end, who didn't want to leave. He asked for private moments several more times, DD asked for one last moment also. In all we spent about 90 minutes with him at peace. I'm so proud of my kids for doing what they needed, taking the time to allow themselves closure.

35 days that changed our lives and who each of us

I have no words. It happened so quickly. I am sorry you were not able to be there with him in his final breaths, but I am so glad you were able to be there for him in the ways he needed you most over the last 35 days. He went out on his own terms.

I was young when my dad died, of a fast moving cancer, as well. If I can give any advice to you, as mom....let your kids see you cry, let them see you in your weak moments, and talk about dad as much as you can, and at any time they want. My mom, right after the funeral for her love of 35+ years, became a different person who, for all intents and purposes, "forgot" about my dad. It was very hard to not have my other parent to walk this journey with. I wanted her to be weak with me, to cry with me, to heal with me. It would have HELPED me to see her as miserable as I was. I wouldn't have felt so alone, or that I was taking too long to heal.

Strength doesn't just mean being the super-hero...it means being the person who others can come to because they know you will understand. It is people bonding together to heal after a tragedy. It is surviving, even when that is the last thing you want to do. You do not need to be the super-hero for your kids to heal. You will just need to be there, to hold their hand, to cry, to remember, to memorialize. And, there is no timeline...none at all. I am 18.5 years out from losing my dad, and I still have the weakest moments. The next days/months/year are going to be a blur. And that is ok.

Peace to you and yours, Rodeo. I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

Well said

 

[Kewz1]

Praying for you and your children.

 

[focusondisney]

Rodeo: I am so very sorry for your loss. You, your dear husband & your family are in my thoughts. May you feel your DH's love surround you.

And thank you for sharing your story & your pain with us. You have had such an impact on us all by bravely sharing your journey. As the rest of us hold our loved ones a little closer today, we owe you so much for reminding us how fast it all can change. Bless you.

 

[Southernmiss]

Excited family - I do pray for you and your family also. There are so many things to do, to consider right now and I know how your brain is whirling. As so many have said to me, keep breathing, lean here for support. As you've seen the level of care and compassion here is magnificent.

This thread was started the day our world was upended. I was just looking for somewhere to dump everything I was thinking and feeling. In the five weeks since, it has become my sanity. The place I've been able to release everything I'm dealing with, get information, wisdom, support, prayers and unity. I truly don't believe I could have navigated these waters without it. I can get everything I'm thinking about out on "paper" here while tears pour and not have to worry about whether I'm making people uncomfortable as I would in real life. I don't have to be anything here, no one knows me, knows my history or life. I can just live in the moment.

Thank you all for your continuing interest - we're just a little Canadian family who happened to get hit by the freight train that is cancer, as so many have. I will continue to post here, because I know this is only the beginning shift in circumstance that has changed my children's paths and mine. Where we go from here is unknown, scary, unfathomable. I know there are much wiser posters here than me that will continue to offer their experience and suggestions as we begin to navigate it all.

This morning, I woke my dad early (for him) and got him to finalise an appointment with the funeral home he thought was the best option while I went back to the hospice to pick up DH's belongings. For the poster who asked - I don't have an issue sharing his name in PM and have for those who asked to say a specific prayer for him, but not publicly. He was very guarded that way. I'd probably gone ahead and shared publicly too, but again...respecting what I know he'd want. Actually, though I rarely used his name. I always called him Buddy, as he did me. We were best friends. I can't believe all the not going to do's ahead of me. He had already been picked up by the funeral home when I arrived.

I waffled about calling MIL - after yesterday should I do it or should I have the hospice handle that? In the end I decided I needed to make the call myself. It was brief. Cold, even, but I did what I felt was respectful and let her know from me. She may have felt the opposite - that I disrespected her by calling. If she did, so be it. She asked nothing about arrangements, and having not made any yet, I didn't offer anything. I doubt I'll hear from her again.

I spent two hours making the arrangements this afternoon and the kids and I are going back shortly for a final viewing before cremation. DD picked his clothes; one particular shirt he always wore to every function/celebration/event we ever attended. It had become a family joke - dad and his polka dot shirt. She insisted he wear it although his normal attire was jeans and a T-shirt since he worked from home. I chose the basic pine cremation box because they are providing markers for us to use to draw and write messages. I liked that idea. We can say anything else we want to say and it will join him for eternity. Plus, frugal guy that he was he'd be coming back to haunt me (yes, black humour is my friend today) if I'd dared to spend the kind of money on a regular casket to be burned. We will also each be having a jewellery remembrance made with some of his ashes. I chose the urn for the rest of his remains and the poem that will be engraved on it. The legal stuff was guided by the director, who was wonderful. We still have to plan the celebration of life but I feel at least now we are honouring him in a way that will mean something to us and the major stuff is done. What kind of sandwiches are served is...not that relevant.

I have felt all of the support and prayer over these past weeks and so strongly in the most recent days. It means everything to me.

Just beautiful and so composed. You are my hero today.

 

[focusondisney]

I am so sorry Rodeo. You have been through so much in such a short time. I am having trouble writing this because I can't stop crying but I wanted you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts. You did everything you could to look after your husband and protect his wishes. You dealt with his family amazingly well. I will continue to think of your strength through this whole ordeal as I continue to help my husband. You are my inspiration right now. Can't stop crying so I will end now.

Excited family: please know we are all still here for you as you continue on this journey. You & your family are in my thoughts.

 

[ENJDisneyFan]

Rodeo, I'm glad this thread has given you an outlet to express your feelings. Please continue to come here to vent, ask for advice, or anything you need. We are here for you.

 

[snoopy two]

I agree with Southernmiss. You are my hero, too. You have shown such grace and courage.
Please know you and your family are in my heart.

 

[teller80]

I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what you are your. children are going through.

I too have been silently following this thread, and add me to the list of people who woke up last night (RARELY happens) at 1:00 am. Bizarre.

 

[cjbcam]

So sorry for your loss.

 

[sunnyshari]

Rodeo,

I am so sorry for your loss. I also prayed and thought about you and your family nightly. Just remember to take it 1 day at a time or if that is too hard even one hour or one moment at a time. You will get through this.