Mom lives alone and doesn't answer her phone. Ideas?

[Kim&Chris]

My elderly mother lives alone, and absolutely REFUSES to keep her cell phone by her side. Won't leave it by her bed at night. Won't put it in her pocket when she's climbing the stairs. Nothing!! To make things worse, her hearing is almost completely gone. So, even when she has it, she can rarely hear it. And, of course, she REFUSES to even consider a hearing aid.

Her land line is still active, but she won't answer that either. "Too many scammers", she says, so she just lets it ring.

I've run over her house so many times (with that sinking feeling of terror) to see if she was OK. Anyone else going through this, or something similar, with an elderly parent? Just had to run over this morning, again. Thank God, she was fine, just didn't feel like carrying her phone.

 

[lanejudy]

Does she have an answering machine on the landline? My mom never answered the landline directly (and always had the cellphone turned off), but she would pick up after we started talking to the answering machine. Be sure to chatter on long enough to giver her time to get to the phone after she hears your voice. And make sure to turn up the volume.

 

[BrianL]

Why not get some cameras that you can log into and check as needed? They could even have voice communication.

 

[cabanafrau]

Yep. Been there, done that. Not much you can do until she either cooperates or a situation arises where it bites her in the butt (hopefully not too consequentially). From what I've experienced(ing) with my mother and my in-laws, they are frequently quite resistant to things they don't want to address until there is a crisis that causes them to be afraid of the consequences of their refusal.

FYI (and possible argument you can present to her as well), hearing difficulties are among the problems that can assist and accelerate dementia-related symptoms and issues for seniors. Not being able to hear well and/or participate in many of the basic functions of daily life, as well as dwindling social interactions, trigger issues with the brain that lead to a decline.

 

[iivye]

My mother lives alone and we've tried the texting every day but she won't respond. Most of the time she doesn't answer calls either. She will call if she needs something but that's about it. My brother and I go over every Friday to visit and have accepted that if something happens to her we may not know about it until we go over on a Friday. We've discussed getting one of those alert buttons but she doesn't want it.

 

[NYCgrrl]

You could get her one of those medical alert lanyards that she can activate when needed. My maternal grandmother was like that but we knew the neighbors well and they kept an eye on her and would call us when needed. Her oldest daughter followed in her footsteps but her doorman kept her in check. He’d tell her when the weather wasn’t appropriate for her and she’d actually listen. He actually earned his annual tip the old fashioned way

 

[Kim&Chris]

Why not get some cameras that you can log into and check as needed? They could even have voice communication.

Great idea but she would never go for that

 

[Kim&Chris]

My mother lives alone and we've tried the texting every day but she won't respond. Most of the time she doesn't answer calls either. She will call if she needs something but that's about it. My brother and I go over every Friday to visit and have accepted that if something happens to her we may not know about it until we go over on a Friday. We've discussed getting one of those alert buttons but she doesn't want it.

My situation exactly. We've talked about the bracelet but she refuses.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Great idea but she would never go for that

Don't tell her... LOL

It's unfortunate when people become burdens when they think they are doing the opposite. Hugs. Hope you find a solution that works for both of you.

 

[BrianL]

Great idea but she would never go for that

Maybe if you put one somewhere where you wouldn't be infringing on her privacy, but just where you can tell if there has been activity. Maybe over the kitchen sink or something, just to know if she is moving about.

 

[Simba's Mom]

My elderly mother lives alone, and absolutely REFUSES to keep her cell phone by her side. Won't leave it by her bed at night. Won't put it in her pocket when she's climbing the stairs. Nothing!! To make things worse, her hearing is almost completely gone. So, even when she has it, she can rarely hear it. And, of course, she REFUSES to even consider a hearing aid.

Her land line is still active, but she won't answer that either. "Too many scammers", she says, so she just lets it ring.

I've run over her house so many times (with that sinking feeling of terror) to see if she was OK. Anyone else going through this, or something similar, with an elderly parent? Just had to run over this morning, again. Thank God, she was fine, just didn't feel like carrying her phone.

Describes my mother perfectly. I had to get the police involved, and they were more than willing to help (small town, little crime). Whenever I couldn't reach her, I'd call the police to do a "wellness check". Of course, she'd then get mad at me-"what will the neighbors say with the police coming to the house?" I just kept telling her that I cared about her and when she didn't answer the phone, I worried. Also, sometimes I'd be able to call the neighbor across the street to see if things looked OK. But then there was the day the neighbor called me o find out why there was an ambulance there!

 

[soccerdad72]

We set up an Amazon Echo Show in my MIL's house once she started living independently again (post aneurysm) so that we could "drop in" to her whenever we needed to check on her. She also got a Life Alert necklace just in case she fell. We haven't needed either in the last few years, thankfully.

 

[Music City Mama]

Refreshing to hear that it's not just my dad who's like this. He lives in a different state and complains that no one would know if anything happened to him for days, but then refuses to do anything about it. He thinks that someone (i.e., me) should text him every day, but then will say in the next breath that's he's not glued to his phone and he might not check it every day to respond. I also think the onus should be on him to text me every day and then if he doesn't, I can investigate further, but he'd rather complain than do anything proactive. No advice to offer, but I get it.

 

[longboard55]

what my sister did was program moms phone so it would only ring for family members

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

Great idea but she would never go for that

We have taken to giving my dad two or three options to help take the pressure off my mom who is his primary caregiver. For example, either you can wear the medic alert bracelet or we can install cameras so that we can check on you so mom can go grocery shopping or to pick up your prescriptions without feeling guilty and terrified for crying out loud. Either you answer the phone when you are home alone or I have no problem calling the local police department to do a wellness check (and since they live in a land of over 55 communities the police do these often and have no problem responding quickly).

He's fallen too many times when my mom is actually at home. I'm not playing around anymore. I want him to be as independent as possible and for him to maintain his dignity, but we need to deal with the realities of the situation we find ourselves in and in the most reasonable and least restrictive way we can. If he breaks a hip and has to go into a nursing home for rehab he is going to find himself in a much less pleasant living arrangement.

 

[barkley]

does she wear a watch? you could gift her a lovely new one that provides you with remote fall detection/emergency response and also can provide you with remote health information (i think it's more appealing than a life alert for many seniors-my mom would routinely not wear her life alert).

 

[disneyseniors]

Yep. Been there, done that. Not much you can do until she either cooperates or a situation arises where it bites her in the butt (hopefully not too consequentially). From what I've experienced(ing) with my mother and my in-laws, they are frequently quite resistant to things they don't want to address until there is a crisis that causes them to be afraid of the consequences of their refusal.

FYI (and possible argument you can present to her as well), hearing difficulties are among the problems that can assist and accelerate dementia-related symptoms and issues for seniors. Not being able to hear well and/or participate in many of the basic functions of daily life, as well as dwindling social interactions, trigger issues with the brain that lead to a decline.

I agree that you can't do much about someone not answering her phone. The idea of the land line with answering system is a good idea. My elderly aunt wouldn't answer her phone at the nursing home, and her daughter had to run in and check on her frequently. At least she was in a NH so she wasn't alone. I don't know why some elderly do that, but there really is not much you can do if they don't answer their phones.

 

[Deb1993]

My mother was same way. We had gotten her the life alert and when she needed it the hospital found it underneath her when they rolled her in the trauma room after an accident. Hospital told us most older folks don't get to use it for a multitude of reasons. Ask her to agree to something to ease your minds. Good luck.

 

[NYCgrrl]

I don't know why some elderly do that,

I think they are afraid of losing their independence.

 

[TwoMisfits]

I think they are afraid of losing their independence.

I think they avoid wanting to be treated like children.

I think the previous poster was on point. You have to have a certain acceptance that if anything happens, it's not on you. And then just set up a convenient schedule for you to check on your mom at regular intervals (weekly at most, if she has not contacted you). If something happens between those intervals, again, it's not on you and you might not have been able to help anyway.