Must read for parents- What if I am accidentally raising a bully?

[LiveYourLife]

Irony is alive and well right now on the DIS.

 

[Wendy31]

Its the mom's "every human being deserves our attention and respect" attitude that I really don't agree with. I don't believe everyone deserves our attention, I believe we as individuals deserve to choose who we want to give our attention too. I guess in some people's eyes not giving attention to others you don't want too is unkind, or borderline bullying. That is not how I see it at all.
The mom says her dd was not overtly unkind, there was no name calling, she just didn't have any interest in this other kid, and the mom forced the issue. She called the kid's mom, and spoke to teachers about it. That goes a little to far into controling and helicoptering for my taste. By the time my kids were in 4th grade they knew what kind of kid they wanted to hang out with, mom wasn't forcing playdates anymore, they were picking their own friends.
I would let it happen naturally, if this kid did have something to offer as far as friendship it will happen, if she doesn't then it isn't meant to be.
Sure this story had a happy outcome, but the truth is we have no idea what would have happened if the mom decided not to involve herself at all. The kids were in 4th grade, assuming neither was moving any time soon they would have years to develop of a friendship, or not, which is okay too.

I don't agree with her approach at all, but I do agree that we should all be kind. It just depends on what you call "kind" and "unkind" and I don't see kids not having any interest in another as unkind. How they act is what would determine their level of kindness, are they nasty, calling names, laughing at the kid. Or are they just not paying attention them, or telling them they really don't want to hang out or play.
Parents need to teach their kids how to handle rejection as much as they need to teach their kids not to be bullies. Both very valuable life lessons.

I understand what you're saying, &, to a certain extent, I agree w/ part of it - we can't force our kids to be friends w/ everyone they encounter. And, we need to give our kids the respect & freedom to choose their own friends (within certain guidelines... I'm going to try to influence my kids AWAY from being friends that could be harmful to them).

I know 2 women who were lifelong friends. They went to elementary, middle, & high school together, &, growing up, they did everything together. Once they reached college, they drifted away a little bit, but were still friendly. My sister was a mutual friend, & they were all bridesmaids in each other's weddings. Well, both of these women ended up pregnant at the same time, & they each ended up having a little girl. They both assumed their little girls would be best friends... just like their mothers. Well, that hasn't been the case at all. The 2 daughters are completely different & have no shared interests & don't even really like each other, if they're being honest. At first, I think both of the women tried to force a friendship between the two, but, as the daughters have gotten older & they realize it's just not going to happen, they've backed off.

But that's not really what the article was addressing. In the author's daughter's case, the 2 became friends. However, it wasn't the author's requirement that her daughter become friends w/ the other girl. She just didn't want her daughter to shun the other girl & ignore her before she even gave the girl a chance.

We attend a weekly homeschool co-op, &, at the beginning of the school year, we had a pool party. At the party, I noticed one girl was kind of sitting by herself on the side of the pool while everyone else had grouped up. I watched for a while, but the girl just wasn't naturally becoming a part of any group & joining in, if that makes sense. She's a sweet girl, but she's shy. And watching her by herself made me feel sad. So, after a few minutes, I called my daughter over. My daughter is about 3 years older than this girl, & I asked her if she & her friend could chat w/ the girl for a few minutes. And my daughter replied, "Oh, I didn't even see her there!" And then my daughter & couple of other girls went over to the girl & started talking to her, &, pretty soon, the girl was in the pool w/ everyone else.

My point is there was nothing wrong w/ the girl. She was just shy & unsure of herself. She needed a welcoming friend. She needed someone to include her. And kids don't often notice the kid that's off on the sidelines. They get busy w/ their various groups & just don't see. As parents, it's our job to give our kids guidance in these type situations. I wasn't forcing my daughter to be friends w/ this girl. I was just helping my daughter to notice her, to "see" her... to be kind.

It's not that our kids have to be BFF's, but, when you're in a group situation (like the playground, a pool party, a pick-up ball game, etc.), you're inclusive & don't leave one person on the sidelines. When you're in certain situations, you find a way to include everyone so no one feels left out. And, if you're in a situation where you witness someone being cruel, you take a stand for what's right.

And, while I don't think I have to be close & become "chummy" w/ everyone I meet, I do think, for the most part, everyone does deserve my attention & respect.

For some people, I guess, being kind means not doing something. Not being mean, nasty, laughing at someone, etc.

For others, it means actually doing something. Being friendly, generous, considerate of someone, etc. It's actually putting yourself out there and making it happen.

I think, in its simplest forms, this may be the disconnect we're seeing here.

noun: kindness
The quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate; a kind act

View attachment 163840

Yes, I love that!

And I think the author also made that point in the article - there's a difference between being truly "kind" & being "not unnice."

Growing up, whenever my dad dropped me off somewhere (school, a friend's house, a ballgame, whatever), he would say, "Be sweet."

As a parent, my kids are my world, but I also realize (& want them to realize), there are other people in the world as well. My kids can be my #1 priority, but I can still empathize w/ other kids. And I want my kids to learn to be kind & empathetic.

And, again, kids aren't born w/ instinctive knowledge on how to treat everyone & how to handle every situation. It is our job as parents to guide them & step in where needed.

I think, as parents, we sometimes tend to have blinders on to everything but our kids, & we're content if our kids are happy, seemingly well-adjusted, & "not unnice." But I just think we're called to more than "not unnice."

 

[Mkrop]

Irony is alive and well right now on the DIS.

I hope you dont mean any of the posters in this thread...I have felt like it has been a civil discussion. I dont care if we dont see eye to eye and I appreciate the other viewpoints even if I dont agree.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I just came across this when looking for something else. It doesn't prove, or disprove, anything anyone here is saying or anything else. It's just feel-good. So I thought I'd share. It's nice to see kids like this.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I hope you dont mean any of the posters in this thread...

Just hazarding a guess, but I'm thinking the aforementioned cryptic quote was referring to another poster who is feeling "left out" here on the boards. But it's just a guess.

 

[Mkrop]

Just hazarding a guess, but I'm thinking the aforementioned cryptic quote was referring to another poster who is feeling "left out" here on the boards. But it's just a guess.

Well call me clueless....

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Well call me clueless....

See Page 1 of the CB and pick a thread.

 

[sam_gordon]

As for the group of 5 mentioned above, I believe that a kinder solution would have been for the kids to split up into 2 and 3 and fill in the other spaces in their rooms with other boys. That way one boy wouldn't have been left out.

I have a problem with that. The kids were told "pick 3 friends to room with". They did. Then you want the teacher to go back and say "no, it would be better to separate you four so 'x' doesn't feel left out"? Sorry, at some point kids need to learn not everyone is their friend, not everyone is "nice". Now, should we (adults) encourage kids to be FRIENDLY? Yes. But you can't force them to be friends. IMO, your suggestion is close to coddling. Maybe the "5th" will find some other people to hang around with that he likes better.

But being in a clique and freezing a kid out for no legit reason does. Shunning for no legit reason is a more subtle type of bullying. But it is bullying. And after mom made the kid do the right thing her kid found out the other kid wasn't so bad.

Who gets to determine what a "legit" reason is? I'm guessing the kids think they have a legit reason. Maybe they know the other kid snores. Maybe the other kid never settles down when it's time to sleep.

 

[asta]

Just hazarding a guess, but I'm thinking the aforementioned cryptic quote was referring to another poster who is feeling "left out" here on the boards. But it's just a guess.

I don't get the quote either.

 

[LiveYourLife]

Just hazarding a guess, but I'm thinking the aforementioned cryptic quote was referring to another poster who is feeling "left out" here on the boards. But it's just a guess.

You are very, very warm!

 

[LiveYourLife]

I hope you dont mean any of the posters in this thread...I have felt like it has been a civil discussion. I dont care if we dont see eye to eye and I appreciate the other viewpoints even if I dont agree.

I do.

I agree with you, it has been a healthy and civil discussion with differing viewpoints. However, what is ironic to me is how someone can be so strong in their convictions on one thread but then on another thread they go against those same convictions.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

LiveYourLife, why don't you just explain yourself.

 

[Allons-y!]

You are very, very warm!

I see you posted as I did, so I'm editing my post.

I just read the other responses in the thread you are talking about. I and others are trying to help a young man with Autism understand how message boards work. I see the two as very different.

 

[Mkrop]

I do.

I agree with you, it has been a healthy and civil discussion with differing viewpoints. However, what is ironic to me is how someone can be so strong in their convictions on one thread but then on another thread they go against those same convictions.

Color me still clueless...must not have read this thread

 

[PollyannaMom]

If there were no other boys to room w/ the 5th boy, as a parent or teacher, I would have stepped in & said 2 boys in one room & 3 boys in the other.

That's what I would have suggested as a parent too. It's like the raft ride at the water park. When the raft holds four, you don't split your family of five into four and one, you split into two and three.

And no one says you have to invite everyone to parties, but it's one thing to invite your 5 closest friends & not invite the 10 other girls in the class and another thing to invite 9 girls & just leave one out.

Exactly! Our rule is you can invite "just a few," but you can't invite "all but one." It's about good manners.

DS had a party once (not a birthday party, just a fun little thing at home) and was on the outs with one particular neighbor kid. I stood my ground and would not allow him to invite everyone but her. He ended up inviting a smaller number of kids.[/QUOTE]