People That Don't Show Appreciation for a Gift - rant

[lifesavacation]

They sound like very thoughtful gifts. Maybe she's struggling a little bit postpartum?

 

[smokeyblue]

My first thought does she have an intellectual disability or is she on the autism spectrum.

 

[ronandannette]

I agree with everyone her behaviour is extremely rude but also peculiar. No sane person would act the way you describe in your op and the fact that she has acted this way before she had a baby means it probably is not hormones. Even if you despise the gift you say thank you. She went out of her way to make sure you knew she had a lot of baby wipes and even that she disliked the tissue paper. And who doesn't like money in a card? I don't know your family dynamics but has there been any drama where she maybe felt disliked or unappreciated or whatever (in her mind)? Her behaviour sounds quite personal as in when you do not like someone. Forgive me if I am wrong but it is the first thing that came to mind when reading your op. You say your son/daughter in-law do not like her and I am willing to bet she knows that and takes it out on the extended family. If that is the case it is just sad.

I really think you might be onto something here. Family dynamics, especially with in-laws, can be so tricky and I think it's impossible for a set of parents to actively dislike their child's spouse and for the spouse to not know it. I also think it's then pretty unlikely that person doesn't become defensive and hostile and the cycle perpetuates. We've just this weekend had a big family wedding that brought together a number of in-laws and "out-laws". Interesting dynamics we're not confronted with very often and it really got me thinking about it.

 

[EMom]

I agree with everyone her behaviour is extremely rude but also peculiar. No sane person would act the way you describe in your op and the fact that she has acted this way before she had a baby means it probably is not hormones.
Even if you despise the gift you say thank you. She went out of her way to make sure you knew she had a lot of baby wipes and even that she disliked the tissue paper. And who doesn't like money in a card? I don't know your family dynamics but has there been any drama where she maybe felt disliked or unappreciated or whatever (in her mind)? Her behaviour sounds quite personal as in when you do not like someone. Forgive me if I am wrong but it is the first thing that came to mind when reading your op. You say your son/daughter in-law do not like her and I am willing to bet she knows that and takes it out on the extended family. If that is the case it is just sad.

Or maybe she is rude, ungrateful, and snippy as a rule, so her in-laws have been unable to warm up to her. No one wants a honey badger for a DIL.

To be so ungracious when presented with gifts for your new baby is inexcusable. Period. I've seen 4 year olds react better.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Some people are just plain rude; whether it is a learned behavior or just their personality. There doesn’t always have a be some underlying reason for it.

 

[descovy]

Let me preface my response by saying I have a bias because of my own experiences. My mom is the type to "remember" an interaction with someone she dislikes in an unflattering way. For example, my mom dislikes her sister in law... and has for years. My mom would be the type to retell a story that has an accidental bump in a hallway as a full-on shove.

So when I hear how this girl "threw the diapers on the floor" or "where am I going to put these now" or complained about the color of tissue paper or "made it known to everyone she didn't like the color of gift bag"... well it makes me think of how my mom would recount a story about her disliked sister in law.

To me, the story, as told by the op, sounded a little over the top. Sorry, and I acknowledge that's totally colored by my own bias. The girl may not have been overly effusive over the gifts. She may have placed diapers on the floor with little pomp and circumstance. (c'mon did she really THROW them?) She may have mentioned she wasn't a fan of pink somewhere in the evening, and OP was sensitive to that because her whole gift was pink. She may have been nervous and made awkward little jokes about the pink that fell like a lead balloon. She may have even been a little snotty. And likely knows OP doesn't like her, so she wasn't having a great time that night.

She likely didn't purr and effuse about the gift wrap and the cute little details of the outfit and remember to make all those little "how thoughtful" comments people try to remember to recite at baby showers.

But I also believe this girl didn't have a chance. She was going to be judged. And I don't believe the story went down nearly as harshly as the OP remembers it.

 

[mamamary]

Sounds like you bought some beautiful gifts!

 

[ronandannette]

Let me preface my response by saying I have a bias because of my own experiences. My mom is the type to "remember" an interaction with someone she dislikes in an unflattering way. For example, my mom dislikes her sister in law... and has for years. My mom would be the type to retell a story that has an accidental bump in a hallway as a full-on shove.

So when I hear how this girl "threw the diapers on the floor" or "where am I going to put these now" or complained about the color of tissue paper or "made it known to everyone she didn't like the color of gift bag"... well it makes me think of how my mom would recount a story about her disliked sister in law.

To me, the story, as told by the op, sounded a little over the top. Sorry, and I acknowledge that's totally colored by my own bias. The girl may not have been overly effusive over the gifts. She may have placed diapers on the floor with little pomp and circumstance. (c'mon did she really THROW them?) She may have mentioned she wasn't a fan of pink somewhere in the evening, and OP was sensitive to that because her whole gift was pink. She may have been nervous and made awkward little jokes about the pink that fell like a lead balloon. She may have even been a little snotty. And likely knows OP doesn't like her, so she wasn't having a great time that night.

She likely didn't purr and effuse about the gift wrap and the cute little details of the outfit and remember to make all those little "how thoughtful" comments people try to remember to recite at baby showers.

But I also believe this girl didn't have a chance. She was going to be judged. And I don't believe the story went down nearly as harshly as the OP remembers it.

Impossible to know if you're close to the mark, but the ideas you introduce are thought provoking. Changing the perspective always makes everything look different. But there's no reason not to assume the OP did a clear re-telling of the events in this case. And FWIW, I don't think any of us are ever completely objective about anything.

 

[mom2rtk]

Let me preface my response by saying I have a bias because of my own experiences. My mom is the type to "remember" an interaction with someone she dislikes in an unflattering way. For example, my mom dislikes her sister in law... and has for years. My mom would be the type to retell a story that has an accidental bump in a hallway as a full-on shove.

So when I hear how this girl "threw the diapers on the floor" or "where am I going to put these now" or complained about the color of tissue paper or "made it known to everyone she didn't like the color of gift bag"... well it makes me think of how my mom would recount a story about her disliked sister in law.

To me, the story, as told by the op, sounded a little over the top. Sorry, and I acknowledge that's totally colored by my own bias. The girl may not have been overly effusive over the gifts. She may have placed diapers on the floor with little pomp and circumstance. (c'mon did she really THROW them?) She may have mentioned she wasn't a fan of pink somewhere in the evening, and OP was sensitive to that because her whole gift was pink. She may have been nervous and made awkward little jokes about the pink that fell like a lead balloon. She may have even been a little snotty. And likely knows OP doesn't like her, so she wasn't having a great time that night.

She likely didn't purr and effuse about the gift wrap and the cute little details of the outfit and remember to make all those little "how thoughtful" comments people try to remember to recite at baby showers.

But I also believe this girl didn't have a chance. She was going to be judged. And I don't believe the story went down nearly as harshly as the OP remembers it.

Any or all of that may or may not have been true. But either she said "thank you" or she didn't. That much at least is pretty black and white.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I personally would have pulled her to the side and schooled her. I would have told her that she was being rude and that she should just smile and say thank you when she receives a gift and if she doesn't like it, she should still just smile and say thank you and then return it later. She is ungrateful and a brat and I would have told her that. I would have no issue doing that especially since it's not the first time.

 

[aprilgail]

That would be the last gift I gave her- For Christmas I would give your grandson a gift and call it a day!

 

[MIGrandma]

And this is one of the instances where you can't control someone else's actions - you can only control your own actions... and reactions.

You have a beautiful new great granddaughter, & you wanted to give her a nice gift. And you did. You chose 4 cute little outfits, some fun toys, & useful items like diapers & wipes. And you packaged it all up nicely. And you thoughtfully included the gift receipts so the mother could exchange the outfits if needed.

She was the one who reacted ungratefully. And everyone who was around when she opened the gift saw 2 things: 1.Your thoughtfulness & generosity & 2. Her ungratefulness & rude comments.

I know this was just a rant, & I get it. I don't understand how some people can be so ungracious & rude. And maybe the only way a person like that will ever change is if the people around consistently model a different kind of behavior. I don't know... that kind of rudeness bothers me too.

However, don't let her attitude take away your joy in her great grandddaughter & in your joy in giving. Don't let who she is change who you are. Her being rude doesn't take away your kindness. You didn't lose anything in the exchange.

At Christmas time & other gift-giving occasions, continue to treat her the same as you treat the other grandchildren.

And, as an aside, how do you know she didn't like the gift bag? I can't believe someone would even comment on the gift bag! The only times I've ever commented on a gift bag was if I especially liked the bag or thought the bag was unique or cute. It's a gift bag, for goodness sake! If I didn't like the bag or if it wasn't one I would have chosen, I'd just throw it away later. I'd never comment on it!

Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, I will continue to treat her the same as the other grands. A PP said I shouldn't give her a gift at Christmas, and give the money envelope to our grandson and I just can't do that. To have her be the only one at our family gathering to NOT get a small gift to open? No, I couldn't do that. I just won't expect to be thanked for the gift OR the card with $$.

It was actually kind of funny as we all watched her open the gift we brought, every time she made a rude comment if I looked at our son or daughter-in-law or anyone else in the room you could see on THEIR expression that they thought she was being rude too.

Oh, as for how I knew she didn't like the gift bag? She held it out in front of her, looking at it and THAT was the FIRST time she said "I hate pink!!" I feel the same as you about gift bags. It's a BAG! No big deal if it's one YOU (general you) would choose or not. No reason in the world to comment on the BAG if you don't like it!

Oh OP I am so sorry! I sure would of have appreciated you as a MIL!! My IL's never liked me, only my daughter, and when I had my son they did not like him. I was not even allowed to buy new clothes for my own children. I married the wrong man.

All you can do is draw boundaries for her to keep her from talking to you like that. It may be hard in the future to buy stuff for her. I would sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your son.

Did she have a baby shower prior to the birth? Just wondering if she got anything pink or if she vocalized no pink stuff for things bought. Just know so many women out here would appreciate what you bought for her.

I'm not her MIL, I'm her grandmother-in-law. She married our grandson.

Yes, she had a baby shower. Her mother and mother-in-law (her husband's mother, who is divorced many years from our son) threw it for her, kind of last minute. We already had vacation plans so I didn't attend, so I have no idea how she acted about gifts there.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We had a family get-together today at our son/daughter-in-law's house, so we could finally get the chance to meet our sweet new great-granddaughter. I was over-the-moon finally being able to hold her, she's such a tiny, sweet, precious little girl!! A wonderful and most welcomed new addition to our family.

But. We took our gift along to give the mom and dad (our grandson). I'd had such a good time shopping for the baby, and the mom kind of took the wind out of my sails.

I didn't know she doesn't like the color pink. When I had my daughter I loved dressing her in pink, frilly "girly girl" clothes, but when that same daughter had HER own daughter she did not enjoy the same thing, ha ha! She preferred dressing her in more modern things, in various colors like yellow, green, purple, etc. I never had a problem with that, and don't have a problem with my granddaughter-in-law not liking to dress HER baby in pink frilly things either. But good grief, she was just so vocal about NOT LIKING PINK! She said it out loud more than a couple times. The gift bag I put the gifts in was pink. It said, in big bold letters "Baby Girls ROCK." The words were white, except the word "ROCK" was in gold glitter and the handle of the bag was white ribbon and had a big white bow on the front. She didn't like the bag and made it known to everyone.

She didn't like the outfits I bought for the baby (4). Two sleepers, and two outfits, all mostly in shades of pink (a couple had white too, and one had little flowered pale green pants with a bunny on the behind). But I knew that might happen so I put copies of the sales slips inside the bag so she could easily exchange them, and told her up front that I didn't mind if she wanted to exchange them for something more to her liking, but for goodness sakes at least smile and say "thank you" and don't keep saying how you HATE PINK!!

I gave them 4 packages of diapers. She didn't say a word about them. Actually threw them on the floor as she took them out of the bag. Wouldn't most people say "oh, we can really use these" or something like that?

I gave them a BIG package of baby wipes. She said "the changing table is FULL of wipes! Where am I going to put THESE now?"

I gave them a package of wrist rattles and a package of little toys that attach to the car seat. She just looked at them and didn't say a word.

The ONLY thing she remotely liked was the very soft, PINK teddy bear that I left peeking out of the top of the bag. She said "oh it's so soft! I can overlook that it's PINK!"

She even complained about the TISSUE PAPER I used with the gift bag (alternating pink, and gold with white polka dots).

She never once said "thank you" for anything. At least my grandson had the decency to tell us "thank you."

I was raised that even if you DON'T like a gift, you smile and say "thank you" for it and ACT like you appreciate it. I just wanted to tell her "fine, if you don't like ANY of it I can just take it back and get MY money back!!"

Maybe, as a child, she wasn't taught by her own parents to show appreciation for a gift that's given to you, but good grief, she's an adult now. Wouldn't common sense tell you to ACT like you appreciate it, even if you DON'T like it? Sigh.

You have learned an important lesson here today...

People that get gift cards and people that don't. They are in the gift card family.

 

[ronandannette]

Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, I will continue to treat her the same as the other grands. A PP said I shouldn't give her a gift at Christmas, and give the money envelope to our grandson and I just can't do that. To have her be the only one at our family gathering to NOT get a small gift to open? No, I couldn't do that. I just won't expect to be thanked for the gift OR the card with $$.

It was actually kind of funny as we all watched her open the gift we brought, every time she made a rude comment if I looked at our son or daughter-in-law or anyone else in the room you could see on THEIR expression that they thought she was being rude too.

Oh, as for how I knew she didn't like the gift bag? She held it out in front of her, looking at it and THAT was the FIRST time she said "I hate pink!!" I feel the same as you about gift bags. It's a BAG! No big deal if it's one YOU (general you) would choose or not. No reason in the world to comment on the BAG if you don't like it!



I'm not her MIL, I'm her grandmother-in-law. She married our grandson.

Yes, she had a baby shower. Her mother and mother-in-law (her husband's mother, who is divorced many years from our son) threw it for her, kind of last minute. We already had vacation plans so I didn't attend, so I have no idea how she acted about gifts there.

This is probably the best strategy moving forward. But if you choose it, you need to be able to completely let go - there's no reason to believe she'll change and to repeatedly allow your feelings to be hurt won't help your relationship in the long run. I wish you all well.

ETA: My idea about changing how you give her gifts didn't include purposely shunning her. I was thinking more along the lines of giving a joint gift to the couple (like maybe movie tickets or fancy chocolate instead of a candle for her, for example) and give their allotment of money in one card addressed to both so that your Grandson could respond on behalf of both of them. I guess my original comments didn't make that clear enough.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

When family relations (especially in-laws) break down it is very hard to be objective, on both sides. She knows her in-laws do not like her as op said her son told her stories about things that happened. I am sure she has her side of the story. Playing devil's advocate, who knows what experiences she may have had with her in-laws to bring her to the point of such blatant rudeness to her husband's side of the family. Again, I see her reactions as deliberate as not to give them the satisfaction of enjoying the gifts. I mean how do you not like something like diapers which are not only necessary but very expensive as well. I cannot believe this is her everyday attitude to everyone she meets otherwise she must have a mental illness. On the other hand, her in-laws see her attitude and do not like her even more. It's a vicious circle.

I am sure that YOU op have never been anything but nice to her and it's sad that she cannot differentiate between family members and has grouped everyone together. Inexcusable. Was your grandson actually present when the gifts were opened and, according to you, she made snide remarks like "where do I put THESE now" not liking pink and throwing the gifts on the floor? Commenting on her dislike of the gift bag and tissue paper is beyond over the top and again, at least to me, points to it being deliberate to hurt you. My belief is that it is down to your grandson, her husband to deal with her. How does he stand by and see such disrespect given to his grandparents by his wife while accepting their gifts? His simple "thank you" to you does not in any way offset his wife's rudeness.

 

[ronandannette]

When family relations (especially in-laws) break down it is very hard to be objective, on both sides. She knows her in-laws do not like her as op said her son told her stories about things that happened. I am sure she has her side of the story. Playing devil's advocate, who knows what experiences she may have had with her in-laws to bring her to the point of such blatant rudeness to her husband's side of the family. Again, I see her reactions as deliberate as not to give them the satisfaction of enjoying the gifts. I mean how do you not like something like diapers which are not only necessary but very expensive as well. I cannot believe this is her everyday attitude to everyone she meets otherwise she must have a mental illness. On the other hand, her in-laws see her attitude and do not like her even more. It's a vicious circle.

I am sure that YOU op have never been anything but nice to her and it's sad that she cannot differentiate between family members and has grouped everyone together. Inexcusable. Was your grandson actually present when the gifts were opened and, according to you, she made snide remarks like "where do I put THESE now" not liking pink and throwing the gifts on the floor? Commenting on her dislike of the gift bag and tissue paper is beyond over the top and again, at least to me, points to it being deliberate to hurt you. My belief is that it is down to your grandson, her husband to deal with her. How does he stand by and see such disrespect given to his grandparents by his wife while accepting their gifts? His simple "thank you" to you does not in any way offset his wife's rudeness.

I'd like this more than once if I could.

ETA: I'm also chuckling about the baby wipes snark. Mom obviously has no idea how much that kid's gonna poop!

 

[MIGrandma]

When family relations (especially in-laws) break down it is very hard to be objective, on both sides. She knows her in-laws do not like her as op said her son told her stories about things that happened. I am sure she has her side of the story. Playing devil's advocate, who knows what experiences she may have had with her in-laws to bring her to the point of such blatant rudeness to her husband's side of the family. Again, I see her reactions as deliberate as not to give them the satisfaction of enjoying the gifts. I mean how do you not like something like diapers which are not only necessary but very expensive as well. I cannot believe this is her everyday attitude to everyone she meets otherwise she must have a mental illness. On the other hand, her in-laws see her attitude and do not like her even more. It's a vicious circle.

I am sure that YOU op have never been anything but nice to her and it's sad that she cannot differentiate between family members and has grouped everyone together. Inexcusable. Was your grandson actually present when the gifts were opened and, according to you, she made snide remarks like "where do I put THESE now" not liking pink and throwing the gifts on the floor? Commenting on her dislike of the gift bag and tissue paper is beyond over the top and again, at least to me, points to it being deliberate to hurt you. My belief is that it is down to your grandson, her husband to deal with her. How does he stand by and see such disrespect given to his grandparents by his wife while accepting their gifts? His simple "thank you" to you does not in any way offset his wife's rudeness.

Exactly my thoughts about the diapers! I can understand, fully, her not liking the outfits I chose for the baby. If one doesn't like pink, and one doesn't like frilly girly-girl clothes for their baby then what I chose wasn't going to be to the mom's liking. But. You still smile, look grandma in the eye and say "thank you!" If I didn't want her exchanging the outfits I wouldn't have put the sales slip copies INSIDE the bag. Had I known before I went shopping that she didn't like pink, I NEVER would have bought the outfits. But when I asked what the baby needed, I was only told premie outfits, diapers, etc. No mention that mom didn't like pink/frilly stuff.

But the diapers I figured they DEFINITELY could use, and yes, they ARE expensive, almost $10 a package and I bought 4 of them.

Yes, our grandson was at the family gathering and watched her open the gifts. I have no idea what he thought of her rudeness. But he at least did say "thank you" and hugged me.

I will not bring the subject up to him. I don't want to create any more family drama than there already is between him/his wife and his parents. I would not be surprised if his dad (our son) talked to him about it after we left though.

I'd like this more than once if I could.

ETA: I'm also chuckling about the baby wipes snark. Mom obviously has no idea how much that kid's gonna poop!

Yeah, I was very surprised at her comment about the baby wipes. Those things are kind of expensive too, and I know you use a LOT of them.

 

[Wishing on a star]

She sounds like real keeper,
Some people... : (

If this is the way this girl operates... just to agree with a prev. poster... sounds like a mental illness/condition to me, too. Those comments all sound just totally toxic!!!

NOTE TO SELF: Just give cash. Or, nothing at all.

PS: It was my MIL who was a case, and who could not accept a gift graciously...
She would be like your DIL.... Literally vocal... She would say like 'What is this... Why did you get this.....' Gave her nice photos of her precious grandson, some in fridge-magnets etc... She just looked at them... said 'Why are his cheeks red...' and put them down.

 

[stsomewhere]

Maybe she was rude because she did not want people over. You did not say how old the baby is. But, in preemie clothes it has it be quite young. Maybe her inlaws forced a visit. Was the baby in in NICU before coming home? Did she have a c-section? Is this their first baby? Maybe she feels uncomfortable with gifts. As for the wedding gift, your grandson could of sent a thank you since he is the groom.

Who did you ask abut what to get as a baby gift? Have you ever asked your grandson what his wife might like for CHristmas? How you tried to get to know her?

Her behavior does sound rude but what went on prior to your arrival? You mentioned that your son was going to talk to your grandson.

When my SIL had her kids, she did not want anyone over. She wanted to keep the safe from germs. She made this known. SHe had people that would stop to see the babies and she just would not open the door. People thought that she was being rude, but she felt that they were rude for not listening and stopping over anyways.

ETA: my inlaws probably think that I am rude. My husband and I have been together 30 yrs. Every year for my birthday and Christmas , they give me a wool sweater. I am severely allergic to wool. I tried to be nice about it at first but it gets ridiculous. I can not even take it out of the box without breaking out in hives. Just being in close proximity makes me sneeze and cough. They know I am allergic to it.

 

[Hikergirl]

We learn to say please and thank you from a very young age, and if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all.
It doesn't matter what happened before the OP got there. It is just common courtesy to say thank you to someone when they give you something. It is just plain rude to complain openly about a gift given. It is OK to hate something for whatever reason you want, but it isn't OK to be a brat about it when it is given to you, save that for when you are alone with your dh.
There really is nothing that justifies this behavior, why do people try?