Looking for Advice....

[Wishing on a star]

Of course I know that she said she got money, as did her siblings.
I can read, and have decent reading comprehension skills.

But, it seems that her siblings got their money to use for their own benefit...
Hers was used to provide her mother's accommodations.

Having had to clear up yet another major, unwarranted, assumption....

Extra butter on mine, please!!!!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think the reason my husband feels that we don't owe her is the fact that my siblings have already received a payout from the sale of her original home. My share was her investment in my home that I would retain upon her death. Along with the resentment that they're not here helping out.

What?? Why would a 54 yo woman give away money she needed to live on for the rest of her life? So your sibs were jealous you were getting "money" and they weren't? Maybe that explains why you have so much "resentment"? They got theirs free and clear; you had to work for yours! Realistically, though, it was her money to do with what she needed to live long term. That may have been a big part of the problem here.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I guess I misunderstood, I thought you were saying that women 20 years ago were more likely to be dependent on others after a loss of a husband.

No truly that wasn't what I was saying. I was just providing an example. Of course not all women were like that at all. It probably got mixed up because the assumption was I was focusing on the year 1998 (as the other poster assumed when I said 19 years ago..54 year old woman...part.

I was saying 19 years ago a women who was 54 years old who was born around 1944 may not (and I stress may not) have had the same situation as someone in 2017 who is 54 years old and was born in 1963-different life experiences and situations. Again not everyone.

I was talking about dependency not dealing with the death of someone. Again the poster I had originally quoted said: "When your DM moved in with you at age 54, how did she support herself? Did she never hold down a job? Has she really had someone else to be her knight in shining armor, taking care of everything for her, for her whole adult life?" And I was providing an example with my grandmother who was around 10 years age difference basing off of how she was in her young adult and adult life and going from there not talking about how women were in 1998.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I don't consider changing a light bulb maintainence. I consider lawn care and such maintain ace. She was never expected to do lawn care, painting, etc.

Okay..I'm sorry I'm having a hard time following you as it seems like a poster says something then you follow with some sort of explanation that gives out more details. You never mentioned before that you considered maintenance lawn care (actually you didn't really give details as to what you meant on that) but instead made it a point to say she doesn't know how to pump her own gas, change a lightbulb, set a clock, etc.

We can quibble over if you consider changing a light bulb maintenance or just plain normal everyday chores if you'd like but I'm sure that's not really the issue.

 

[VandVsmama]

I think the reason my husband feels that we don't owe her is the fact that my siblings have already received a payout from the sale of her original home. My share was her investment in my home that I would retain upon her death. Along with the resentment that they're not here helping out.

And that is why you owe her nothing financially when you sell your home.

You should have included that detail in your original post.

 

[Nancyg56]

I can't understand why a 54 year old would need to move in with a child permanently if they aren't in need of medical care.
I do understand after losing someone like your father that a person would feel compelled to take care of the other parent, so I won't accuse the OP of having some ulterior motive of moving her mom in. I just don't understand why it was going to be permanent, but that is based on my own experiences and the widow's I know who have lost their husbands at a young age.
I'm 44, if god forbid I lose my ds in 10 years the last thing I would want is any of my children taking care of me.

I don't understand either, which is why I feel there probably is more to the story.

I am 60. God forbid something should happen to my husband, i would not move in with any of my children. I cannot imagine any circumstance that would have me sell my home, divvy up the proceeds with my adult children and use a share that would go to my daughter to build an in law apartment. Bizarre!

My first husband passed on when I was 23, and I had three children. I figured it out. I cannily imagine that even at that age I would have given up my home and given the proceeds away. This woman was taken advantage of

 

[mom2rtk]

You should have included that detail in your original post.

Seems like a pretty big detail to leave out.

And it makes no sense to me why a 54 year old woman would give away that much of what she would need to live on for the next 30+ years. None of this makes sense.

 

[Nancyg56]

I can't understand why a 54 year old would need to move in with a child permanently if they aren't in need of medical care.

Or perhaps that person was led to believe that they were wanted and needed. That is a powerful incentive.

 

[Nancyg56]

Seems like a pretty big detail to leave out.

And it makes no sense to me why a 54 year old woman would give away that much of what she would need to live on for the next 30+ years. None of this makes sense.

I think that this woman was really taken advantage of. She sells her home, disperses the money between her children, funds an addition for the one she moved in with, and basically is owed nothing because that was what? Inheritance???? Before she died???? And now she is in a pickle.
The op owes her nothing because the siblings got their share and this is her share? I'm more disgusted than when I read the first post.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Sounds like the manipulation came from the children and when their father died, they took advantage of their mother. The mother gave everything she had to her kids. That's what mothers do and it was a big mistake. She is no longer needed nor wanted by her family and they just consider her a burden. Very sad story.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I don't understand either, which is why I feel there probably is more to the story.

I am 60. God forbid something should happen to my husband, i would not move in with any of my children. I cannot imagine any circumstance that would have me sell my home, divvy up the proceeds with my adult children and use a share that would go to my daughter to build an in law apartment. Bizarre!

My first husband passed on when I was 23, and I had three children. I figured it out. I cannily imagine that even at that age I would have given up my home and given the proceeds away. This woman was taken advantage of

for sure but I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear that happened to you

 

[CdnCarrie]

I'm only a few years younger than the OP's DM and there is no way that if something happened to my spouse I would have turned around and become a burden on my children. Or have any desire to live with them. Or not paid my own way. 54 years is still young. My own mother was widowed at almost 60 and still lives in her own house, worked for a few more years, dated, etc.
I think you are right when you say you did her a disservice in letting her stay dependent. I think maybe give her the amount of the addition to the house and that's it.

 

[Nancyg56]

for sure but I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear that happened to you

Thank you. I found that I was a pretty strong woman. Then I met Buddy. He is pretty darn awesome!

I'm only a few years younger than the OP's DM and there is no way that if something happened to my spouse I would have turned around and become a burden on my children. Or have any desire to live with them. Or not paid my own way. 54 years is still young. My own mother was widowed at almost 60 and still lives in her own house, worked for a few more years, dated, etc.
I think you are right when you say you did her a disservice in letting her stay dependent. I think maybe give her the amount of the addition to the house and that's it.

Would you sell your house, give the money to your kids and use one child's "share" to build an inlaw apartment knowing that you would be left with nothing?

I can't seem to move past this. The woman is alive and her kids feel they owe her nothing but took her home!

 

[CdnCarrie]

Thank you. I found that I was a pretty strong woman. Then I met Buddy. He is pretty darn awesome!



Would you sell your house, give the money to your kids and use one child's "share" to build an inlaw apartment knowing that you would be left with nothing?

I can't seem to move past this. The woman is alive and her kids feel they owe her nothing but took her home!

Nope. Neither did my Mom when she was in her late 50s and widowed in 2000. In fact she's still in the house.

But we don't know exactly what transpired. You can't give a gift then feel owed for the rest of your life either. Sounds like the mother isn't the sharpest tool in the shed that she just needed to latch onto someone when her husband died and expects everyone around her to care for her
I have a friend that doesn't drive, use a bank or credit card, etc. Her husband is controlling and she's fine with that. When asked what would happen if her husband dies she just says her son will help her. This lady works full time and just signs her check her over to her husband every payday. They don't even have a joint account. The OPs mother reminds me of my friend. She wants someone else to do the adulting. That's an unfair burden to place on your children unless it's needed. It's not needed in a healthy 54 year old.

 

[VandVsmama]

Has it occurred to anyone that maybe it was the mom's idea to split up the proceeds of the house sale to her kids? And maybe she insisted.

 

[Nancyg56]

Has it occurred to anyone that maybe it was the mom's idea to split up the proceeds of the house sale to her kids? And maybe she insisted.

I would never have taken the money if my mom gave even suggested this. No way would I participate in taking her home, her money and her independence.

 

[VandVsmama]

 

[CdnCarrie]

I would never have taken the money if my mom gave even suggested this. No way would I participate in taking her home, her money and her independence.

LOL. I'm sure a 54 year old can stand up for herself.

 

[Nancyg56]

LOL. I'm sure a 54 year old can stand up for herself.

Don't be so sure. Under most circumstances yes. After the death of a spouse? That's different. Many decisions are made under that kind of duress and it seems that the op mom may have made one. In fairness the op as well.

 

[appleplie]

Sounds like the manipulation came from the children and when their father died, they took advantage of their mother. The mother gave everything she had to her kids. That's what mothers do and it was a big mistake. She is no longer needed nor wanted by her family and they just consider her a burden. Very sad story.

Nobody manipulated anyone. Once the suggestion was made for her to move in with us-we couldn't make it fast enough. She wanted out of her home Asa- and left as soon as she could taking only the things that she wanted from the home. She couldn't get out fast enough and wanted nothing to do with the process of preparing a home for sake or snything else. As I said in my original post-decisions were made in haste-by her as well. We were all in shock and doing our best to do what we thought was right at the time. She sold her house to my siblings at a reduced cost. She used the proceeds to finance her apartment. It was the only way she was going to be able to live with me comfortably. She would have her privacy with the space to entertain. My siblings flipped the house and made money off of it. My mother had other money that she spent. She did not have enough income coming to replenish what she spent. It cost thousand each t]year to winter in the south. This is paid for out of savings that is not replaced.