Jen's on her way to pick up a baby girl!!

[Uncle Remus]

I get the feelin' y'all are gonna be great parents.

Congratulations!

 

[ChrizJen]

Bless you both. I am having major baby lust right now and many friends are suggesting foster parenting...but I don't think I'm cut out for it. I'd have a very hard time relinquishing the child, or working with parents I judged and didn't respect.

Do you know this childs background? Do you have to let her parents visit? I just can't imagine the strenght it must take to do so an awesome job.

My thoughts and prayers are with you...

We don't know a whole lot about her background, mostly just the reason she was taken into state custody, and all I can really say is that this baby has been through a lot.

We were told yesterday that the first court hearing for her case would be on Monday of next week. So we didn't really even know if she would stay with us through Christmas. But we got a call today saying that before the hearing there will be a meeting with the case workers, a CASA worker, and possibly the birth mother. We were also told that that there are multiple charges being brought against the mother, so there is no way that she will go back with her on Monday. So we'll have her through Christmas at least.

As for the parental visits, it generally depends on the reason the child is taken into custody in the first place. In our particular case, there will probably eventually be visits with the birth mother. I would imagine that given the datails, they will be supervised visits. But if you're wondering about the logistics, visits are typically held at a neutral location. So her birth mom will not come to our home for visits.

It's so crazy, because I was JUST talking to RickinNYC on Wednesday about all of this. I was telling him that I admire the wonderful work that he does for folks, and that it's really really difficult sometimes for someone in my position to remember that these parents are human beings and they make mistakes. I was telling him that I met a mother once who was working her way through drug court to get her baby back. It really only took that one meeting to realize that these people are fragile human beings, just like you and me. And they have certainly made their share of mistakes. But this woman was so intent on staying the course and getting her son back. It gave me a slightly new perspective on the situation. Don't get me wrong, I still think that there are some people who should NEVER EVER be allowed to be parents. But in meeting that woman, I realized that there are some people who can change and be rehabilitated.

 

[rosiep]

We don't know a whole lot about her background, mostly just the reason she was taken into state custody, and all I can really say is that this baby has been through a lot.

We were told yesterday that the first court hearing for her case would be on Monday of next week. So we didn't really even know if she would stay with us through Christmas. But we got a call today saying that before the hearing there will be a meeting with the case workers, a CASA worker, and possibly the birth mother. We were also told that that there are multiple charges being brought against the mother, so there is no way that she will go back with her on Monday. So we'll have her through Christmas at least.

As for the parental visits, it generally depends on the reason the child is taken into custody in the first place. In our particular case, there will probably eventually be visits with the birth mother. I would imagine that given the datails, they will be supervised visits. But if you're wondering about the logistics, visits are typically held at a neutral location. So her birth mom will not come to our home for visits.

It's so crazy, because I was JUST talking to RickinNYC on Wednesday about all of this. I was telling him that I admire the wonderful work that he does for folks, and that it's really really difficult sometimes for someone in my position to remember that these parents are human beings and they make mistakes. I was telling him that I met a mother once who was working her way through drug court to get her baby back. It really only took that one meeting to realize that these people are fragile human beings, just like you and me. And they have certainly made their share of mistakes. But this woman was so intent on staying the course and getting her son back. It gave me a slightly new perspective on the situation. Don't get me wrong, I still think that there are some people who should NEVER EVER be allowed to be parents. But in meeting that woman, I realized that there are some people who can change and be rehabilitated.

I admire anyone who can change for themselves and their children. I know it can be done because I left an abusive home at 16 and was (surprise surprise) something of a wildcat..but the minute I found out I was pregnant my life changed and I started valuing life..my own and..well..my children are the best thing that has ever been given to me in life.
But having said that, I find myself being very judgemental of people who remain selfish and careless..when abuse comes into the picture I am unforgiving.

It's a trait I work on every day because I am not proud of it. I want to be unconditionally kind...but I don't always succeed.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Thanks, guys for your comments.
She's such a beautiful little angel. She's the sweetest little thing, but she's so scared. She obviously has no idea what's going on. We couldn't get her to eat much of anything.
We got her to sleep. Poor sweet little thing. She was so exhausted, but she fought sleep until she just couldn't any longer. I just held her close and tried to calm her fears. And when I finally get her to sleep I just broke down and cried.
I have to say that I knew that this foster parenting thing would be difficult. But I just figured that the hard part would be letting her go when it's time to. But Let me just tell you that my heart feels broken in a way that I've never felt before. Just knowing what this poor baby has been through, and knowing how afraid and confused she is. I cannot even imagine being in her shoes right now. All I can say is that this sweet little baby will be as safe as she can possibly be on my watch. I promised her that while I was rocking her to sleep...
OK, I'm bawling all over again. Time for sleep now

This post shows what a wonderful, compassionate person you are and how you will take care of that little one so very well as long as she is in your care. She's lucky to have you.

My daughter is a caseworker for a therapeutic foster care agency and it's heartbreaking how some kids are abused and mistreated.

 

[ChrizJen]

I get the feelin' y'all are gonna be great parents.

Congratulations!

Thank you!

I admire anyone who can change for themselves and their children. I know it can be done because I left an abusive home at 16 and was (surprise surprise) something of a wildcat..but the minute I found out I was pregnant my life changed and I started valuing life..my own and..well..my children are the best thing that has ever been given to me in life.
But having said that, I find myself being very judgemental of people who remain selfish and careless..when abuse comes into the picture I am unforgiving.

It's a trait I work on every day because I am not proud of it. I want to be unconditionally kind...but I don't always succeed.

TRUST me!! I'm far from unconditionally kind. I have the same disdain for people who hurt children as you do. I'll never understand what it is in a person that could allow them to hurt a small, helpless creature of any kind. But I try with all of my being to be compassionate and hopeful that they can realize their mistakes and change. I do this because I have to. I have to believe that people can change. Otherwise it would be absolutely positively impossible for me to hand a baby back over to the people who hurt her. Believe me, I still have VERY unkind thoughts and feelings towards child abusers.

This post shows what a wonderful, compassionate person you are and how you will take care of that little one so very well as long as she is in your care. She's lucky to have you.

My daughter is a caseworker for a therapeutic foster care agency and it's heartbreaking how some kids are abused and mistreated.

Thanks! I don't envy your daughter at all. I admore her though! I have thought about becoming a social worker, but I honestly don't know if I could do it. I would be a basket case if I had to deal with case after case after case day in and day out. Besides, I wouldn't be able to remove a child from the home without causing some serious bodily harm to the child's abuser...

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Thanks! I don't envy your daughter at all. I admore her though! I have thought about becoming a social worker, but I honestly don't know if I could do it. I would be a basket case if I had to deal with case after case after case day in and day out. Besides, I wouldn't be able to remove a child from the home without causing some serious bodily harm to the child's abuser...

She doesn't have to do the removing, thankfully, just watch over the foster families. I don't think that she'll do that particular area long-term. She plans to get her MSW next year. I'm a SW major, but it will be awhile before I even have my BSW. I don't plan to work with children. MAYBE high risk teenagers, but most likely the elderly.

 

[hematite153]

Chris & Jen -- The compassion and emotion in your post about bringing this little one home was overwhelming. I remember a thread awhile back about us trying to get pregnant. This thread is well timed for me, because, we've been looking at foster care for a bit now and are getting ready to move forward. I am so afraid of how heartbroken I'll be on a regular basis, but, I also feel that it's so much worse to be the child in the situation and if I can help make it even a little bit better for awhile then I ought to try.

One of our big questions is age/childcare, so, it was interesting to hear you reference it. In our region you aren't allowed to foster children under the age of 7 unless you can stay at home with them. So, we're thinking that we'd start with older kids, but, we haven't decided anything for sure yet.

 

[npmommie]

I think we're going to be able to muddle through this whole thing. But I had my heart ripped out again this morning. Because of the end of the year timing of this, neither Jen nor I have any time left to take off work. We'd love to have been able to take off the rest of this week and spend it at home bonding with her. But alas, we had to work today. Fortunately, we have some WONDERFUL friends who have foster children of their own and are willing to take care of her during the day while we work until we can find an opening at a daycare. But dropping her off there this morning was a doozie. I felt such a HUGE amount of guilt that I had to leave her. She's been tossed around so much these past few days that her head is reeling. I know she'll eventually understand that we're not leaving her for good. That we are coming back.

Sheesh...I'm going on an on. Thanks for reading, guys! This is all so new to us. It's a little overwhelming, and it feels good to be able to share it with my DIS friends!

How does FMLA work in this situation? I know it can be used for maternity leave, adoption, illness etc.........would this qualify to get you some time off from work to stay home with her at least for a little bit?
I know its probably an unpaid situation though and that does factor in.
I think you are doing a wonderful thing, and your posts bring tears to my eyes just thinking about that little baby.
the two of you sound incredibly loving and she is lucky to be with you.

I can remember many years ago when I worked at one of the city hospitals, I was floated to Pediatrics that evening and one of my littlest patients was this little baby, I don't even think she was 1 yo, anyway , due to abusive parents she was in a hip spica cast.
so horrible. and the mother was not allowed to visit and tried, it was a terrible situation.

I am unforgiving too when there is child abuse.
for both of you for doing a wonderful thing.

 

[Kaler131]

I think that you are WONDERFUL people to do this! You deserve some extra special pixie dust!!

 

[ChrizJen]

Well, I'm a wreck again today.
We had a wonderful weekend just hanging out, being lazy, and playing.
Every little milestone is so emotionally draining for us. There is such a mix of emotions, ranging from sadness, to anger, to guilt. (But there's always LOVE, and that's the GOOD thing!)
Today is the first hearing, and Jen is there right now waiting. (I can't be there because she's technically the "foster parent". I'm just the secondary caregiver in the house.) She told me a few details, and I can't go into it, but from what she's heard so far, it looks like baby girl is going to be with us for quite a while. That's a good thing! But I can't help but feel guilty. I can't really explain it because obviously this mom has done things that show that she really shouldn't have custody of her baby. But I feel guilty nonetheless because I get to hold this beautiful little girl, and her mom doesn't. As I've said before, I most certainly feel anger towards the mother for the things that have happened. I don't think I could be human and not. I just feel the guilt as well.

To other folks who have been foster parents, is this normal? I just feel like a wreck every time I slow down and really take the opportunity to think about it all. I know today I'm especially emotional because we had a bit of a rough night. She didn't sleep very well. She kept waking up crying from what I can only assume were nightmares...

If you're reading this, let me just say that I'm very appreciative that I have an outlet for all of this...I don't blog, and so this is the next best thing.

 

[hematite153]

I'm not a foster parent yet, but, I'm hoping to become one in the next year and what you describe is similar to what I expect.

When I read other people's stories, I end up in tears and having my heart break as I listen to what some children have experienced. So, then I think, I could give a child like that a loving, stable home and help them to begin the healing process so that they can return to their families when the time is right. But, then, I catch myself thinking that people shouldn't be able to abuse kids and get them back...this leads to guilt and fear that I wouldn't do it (fostering) right. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Fortunately, we would both be listed as joint foster parents so we'd both get to be part of all discussions (and training).

 

[ChrizJen]

OK, so I just got a call from Jen. She's finished at the court house, and she didn't have a whole lot of information, just enough to increase the amount of guilt that I'm feeling. *SIGH*
There is a relative who is being checked out, and if she checks out OK, then she'll go with her. We'll find out about that next week. The more I hear about this and about all of the people involved, the more I'm convinced that she's going to go back to her mom. We're still not 100% sure of all of the details, but it just seems that she is very much loved by her family. That they've just made some mistakes.
I'd like to say that I'm prepared to let her go, but I'm not 100%.
It's going to be very difficult. But at least I can say that I feel in my heart that if her mother can do the things she needs to do to get her back, then she'll be in good, loving hands.

 

[ChrizJen]

I'm not a foster parent yet, but, I'm hoping to become one in the next year and what you describe is similar to what I expect.

When I read other people's stories, I end up in tears and having my heart break as I listen to what some children have experienced. So, then I think, I could give a child like that a loving, stable home and help them to begin the healing process so that they can return to their families when the time is right. But, then, I catch myself thinking that people shouldn't be able to abuse kids and get them back...this leads to guilt and fear that I wouldn't do it (fostering) right. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Fortunately, we would both be listed as joint foster parents so we'd both get to be part of all discussions (and training).

We were both required have psychological/background checks and to attend all of the classes and training, but only one of us was able to be licensed. So I'm basically just a piece of paper away from being licensed myself.

This being our first placement, and with the emotions that I'm having right now, I may not be the right person to ask about your quest to become foster parents. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change this for the world. I wouldn't take back one second of this experience so far. It's brought a little angel into our lives, and it's allowed us to give her love while she can't get it from her family. But I've definitely had weak moments when I questioned whether or not we could do this. It's not easy work. But I think that as long as you have a safe place and love in your hearts to give, you can make it through the rest. You've obviously heard a calling of some sort to do this. Even if you have some doubts, I would definitely recommend taking the classes. If you get through them and decide that foster care is not for you, then you've lost nothing but the time you devoted to the classes.

 

[DVCajun]

My heart goes out to you. I'm the mother of two adopted boys (I only add the "adopted" because of the nature of this discussion -- trust me, I'm the MOTHER of two boys, period) -- I considered being a foster parent. I simply couldn't deal with our current system. It ticks me off that I had to jump through SO MANY hoops, prove so many detailed points, in order to be approved as a foster parent, while the birth parent only had to get pregnant. Then they were perfectly free to bring that baby home to their flea infested trailer, which had a sagging porch about to fall in on the family of 17 dogs living beneath it. That's hypothetical, but not unrealistic.

If the "system" is about what's best for the children, then all parents would have to pass a home study in order to bring a child home.

That's a glimpse into my personal little soapbox.

 

[hematite153]

If the "system" is about what's best for the children, then all parents would have to pass a home study in order to bring a child home.

That's a glimpse into my personal little soapbox.

I've had many moments of thinking things awfully similar to this during my 5 year TTC quest. I fear I've become very cynical.

Btw, I absolutely love the picture in your signature.

 

[ChrizJen]

My heart goes out to you. I'm the mother of two adopted boys (I only add the "adopted" because of the nature of this discussion -- trust me, I'm the MOTHER of two boys, period) -- I considered being a foster parent. I simply couldn't deal with our current system. It ticks me off that I had to jump through SO MANY hoops, prove so many detailed points, in order to be approved as a foster parent, while the birth parent only had to get pregnant. Then they were perfectly free to bring that baby home to their flea infested trailer, which had a sagging porch about to fall in on the family of 17 dogs living beneath it. That's hypothetical, but not unrealistic.

If the "system" is about what's best for the children, then all parents would have to pass a home study in order to bring a child home.

That's a glimpse into my personal little soapbox.

I've had many moments of thinking things awfully similar to this during my 5 year TTC quest. I fear I've become very cynical.

Btw, I absolutely love the picture in your signature.

I agree with both of you 100%. We have to jump through fire to do this, and not only did her mother only have to get pregnant, but now despite the horrible things that have happened to this baby, her mother may get her back!!! That's what gets me. She didn't have to take classes to become a parent, and she might even get her baby back. But I had to take classes and have a criminal and psychological background check just so that I can give love and care to this poor, broken little soul.
It really does make me crazy sometimes...

On a good note, I lost sleep last night worrying about having to take her to her new daycare today. I felt horrible all over again. But I got a call from the daycare saying that she's doing GREAT, and that she's down playing with all of the other children! That was REALLY good news!
She's such a little trooper! She's my little hero!

 

[swtnikki]

Congrats!

 

[hematite153]

I'm glad to hear she's doing well and already playing with new kids.

I know how hard it's going to be, but, it's clear that you're loving her already and you've said that her family loves her. So, hopefully the system will work out and she won't go back until her mother knows how to keep her safe too.

I really need to believe that foster care can work out this way. An acquaintance of mine who fostered for many years said that he's actually maintained contact with every child that he fostered and that the contact is often through the parents because they realize how well he cared for their child(ren). I really hope that I can find my way to this same experience.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

I am following this thread, it is beautiful what you are doing here... It brought tears to my eyes with you telling us about her first night with you. Know that you are doing something wonderful here. I hope you have the best holidays...

 

[DVCajun]

Is your goal to simply foster, or are you hoping to perhaps adopt as well?

I'm very happy that this little girl has a happy home this Christmas.