Perhaps I made the mistake of reaching out in my desperate state. I do apologize if I was not clear on something or misrepresented the situation. The last thing I need is self righteous selfish people that I allow to get to me. The world has enough. SO MOVE ALONG! If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. Happy Holidays! Hope you feel satisfied now that you have given everyone your opinion.
We are NOT asking for any money to live here. We asked that she pay for her personal needs. I applaud her for joining a gym to get her hurt out in a productive manner. Unfortunately, she was taken advantage of and it cost her some money.
I am just as much a problem with how I am handling this situation. I need to be tougher and not baby her. I need to not look at her like a victim. We did not realize what the situation was and now need to set rules, responsibilities, and goals. And, stick to them.
Yes this whole situation is taking a toll on me and my family. But we would never turn our back on someone who was in need and shame on those who would not at least try to help someone in need and send her back into an abusive home. I know that she is not lying to us. I am being manipulated but I am not being firm adult. I took care of my parents for years, so pushing myself beyond my limits is normal for me.
For those that care and won't be mean: After a therapy session and a great deal of talking, things are becoming clearer and us as a family are learning how to help. I need to set boundaries and stick with them. I need to stop treating her like a helpless victim. ie her grandmother stole her check again from the church....friend blamed herself for letting it happen again. I reassured friend that it was not her fault. DH reminded me that friend was instructed/reminded/guided to do direct deposit or speak with the church secretary about not giving her paycheck to family members and friend did not. So, YES! It was her fault. I did not see that bc I am so out of my mind with worry and exhaustion. The possibility of friend having a processing disorder is being discussed. She was able to attain a regular HS diploma without any special services, so there are lots of questions. Stress and Trauma disorders are also being discussed. Please remember I/we are not a doctor. Even though, I have worked with the mentally ill, I am not qualified to treat her. I must defer to those that are professionally trained. I must remind myself that I help when I am firm with expectations. I do not know how we raised a self sufficient bright capable child and I am a total softy when it comes to friend.
The military is still her plan. I have my doubts but having a goal that she set is a positive step. It is all about her processing her abuse, using coping skills, re-learning how to interact with people (not being afraid to speak and knowing that she can think {have her own ideas}). Laughter is not always a result of a positive response/reaction. She may have laughed, but it doesn't mean that she was laughing at me.
She still has not retrieved her belongings and after seeing her bedroom furniture out for the garbage men, I doubt that they still have her clothes and personal items. She still does not have her passport, BC or SS card. The police can not FORCE the parents to give them to her. We can't force her to get those items. She is afraid. She still loves her family despite everything.
I am just beyond tired and very sensitive. The last month has been a nightmare, exhausting, scary and emotional and I am letting people make me feel bad for trying so hard to be a good person. Thanks to those that made me not feel alone in this situation. (It is a small town and I can't share what is really going on bc it is not my place to air dirty laundry to those that know the family). I have read the suggestions and I yes I do need to be tougher. Yes, I do need to know more about her family life , but I can not ask her parents bc they have blocked me on social media, and knowing what they did to a child means they will lie to save themselves. I do not feel that reaching out to them now would do any good. If her family had concerns about their child, they know where she is and have not called us, reached out or said anything. But, they have said lies about friend which I have personally heard them say. I appreciate the insight into Russian adopted children. I have no doubt that her basic needs were not met as an infant.
Everyone have a magical holiday season and know that a bit of kindness goes along way and can make a difference.....