Wedding reception question

[bellebud]

I'm still following this thread in amazement. The standard pay for your plate Dis debate has now turned into pay for your seat!

(That doesn't mean I don't get that it's poor planning not to have enough seats, it just means I don't get how a poorly planned wedding determines the amount of the gift. For those that have no idea why I would say that - I'm from the "give a gift based on my relationship with the bride and groom" side of this old DIS argument, not the "give a gift based on the wedding" side.)

It's the rudeness of 'we don't care if our guests can sit or not'... it would feel like a money grab to me.

 

[aprilgail]

No, it's never ok. Unless it's a backyard bbq or something, but even then, people need to sit. I bet people who gave cash envelopes changed their gift amounts if they couldn't find a seat. I sure would.

I know one time I went to a wedding that had a cash bar- that is NEVER done around here so it caught everyone by surprise- there was a lot of dipping in the gift envelopes going on there! I never carry cash unless I know I would need it and out of all the weddings I have been to no one has ever thrown one where they expected the guests to dip into their own pockets to pay for drinks!

 

[disykat]

I think the cultural difference of belief that a wedding invitation equates to expecting the cash equivalent of what a wedding costs vs. wedding having no bearing on gift whatsoever is just too big to ever understand the other viewpoint.

 

[adelaster]

Now that I think of it, the last four weddings I attended were open seating. Didn't think much of it, other than it usually makes me even more aware of my social awkwardness!

 

[monarchsfan16]

I got married 3 weeks ago. It was a wedding at a state park, with a covered pavilion and picnic tables (don't worry, we specifically told people "dressy comfortable" clothing was appropriate), and there were still assigned tables, because we learned the hard way at an anniversary party for my grandparents a couple years ago, about the random empty seat phenomenon if you allow open seating. We also had buffet style barbecue. We did NOT call tables, and, go figure, the line moved rapidly. No head table either. A table for my husband and me, and then the tables of 10. I've only been to one wedding that didn't have assigned seating (or enough seats), but that one had about 30 people in attendance, and was more or less a backyard event on a lake. People were dressed casually, so everyone just found rocks by the lake to sit on.

 

[kirstenb1]

I know one time I went to a wedding that had a cash bar- that is NEVER done around here so it caught everyone by surprise- there was a lot of dipping in the gift envelopes going on there! I never carry cash unless I know I would need it and out of all the weddings I have been to no one has ever thrown one where they expected the guests to dip into their own pockets to pay for drinks!

Chiming in from Virginia, not done here either. Lots of small towns, and you'd be talked about for several generations. Contrary to DIS view, not all Southern weddings have receptions in the church basement.

 

[rigs32]

I hate open seating weddings. A good host makes their guests feel comfortable, and open seating usually ends up with at least some people feeling awkward.

Once we arrived early and grabbed seats at one of the long tables. We were asked by others to move twice to accommodate their larger parties. We ended up surrounded by children we did not know. We left early.

The next open seating wedding we hung back and instead had to go table to table to ask what seats were open as most tables had a couple people saving the whole table for others. It felt like the middllast school cafeteria and SO awkward.

Then there was the bridal shower when a friend and I got stuck in traffic and were a few minutes late. Turns out they had the exact number of seats available. My choices were to sit with the bride's elderly family or squeeze another chair into the table my friends were at. I froze for a minute as I thought and my friends insisted we could squeeze me in. When the gift opening took two hours, I was grateful for that.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

A good host makes their guests feel comfortable, and open seating usually ends up with at least some people feeling awkward.

Hmm...interesting that you're throwing out what makes a "good host"

As a guest the vast majority of the problems I've experienced at wedding were ones with assigned seating from being stuck at the opposite end of the place being completely excluded due to walls from the dancing, the cake cutting, the toasts, everything and then the ones where the place ran out of food, to where we waiting forever for our table to be called, etc. Yeah I wouldn't say at all that open seating is actually the determining factor of what makes a guest feel awkward much less even consider if the couple is a good host or not because they had assigned or open seating.

 

[rigs32]

Hmm...interesting that you're throwing out what makes a "good host".

From Emily Post:

Be welcoming and attentive. Make sure guests are greeted warmly, then made to feel welcome throughout the party.

ETA: when I have to hunt for a place to sit and awkwardly ask strangers if I can join them and be turned down over and over, I don't feel welcome.



If there's a "bad" table, then that would be poor hosting regardless of whether seating is assigned or not.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

From Emily Post:

Be welcoming and attentive. Make sure guests are greeted warmly, then made to feel welcome throughout the party.

ETA: when I have to hunt for a place to sit and awkwardly ask strangers if I can join them and be turned down over and over, I don't feel welcome.



If there's a "bad" table, then that would be poor hosting regardless of whether seating is assigned or not.

Times change...you sorta have to realize that. Some things stand the test of time as far as etiquette but not really this one (ETA: as in must have assigned seating). Besides there have been multiple people on this thread who have said they haven't done assigned seating or have been to weddings with open seating. I doubt you'd openly want to say those posters or the couples of those weddings they went with open seating are poor hosts..then again I guess maybe so.

ETA: your Emily post thing really has nothing to do with assigned seating or not...unless I missed the words "must have assigned seating or you are not a good host"...which is what your initial comment basically was.

You know right that there's a chance that people are thrown together at a table right simply because they don't quite fit in with other tables? Single people may be put with other single people, random relatives or friends may be put with other relatives or friends of the couple getting married, etc. That in itself can make a guest feel awkward. What about if the significant other or spouse or whatnot of a bridesmaid or groomsmen is put with people they don't know with assigned seating? It's possible they may not know or don't get along with others in the wedding party and now may be sitting next to them at the reception.

And FWIW assigned seating doesn't mean you as a guest won't feel awkward at some point either due to the seating or to something else (which can happen to any guest at any wedding for a number of reasons).

 

[aprilgail]

Chiming in from Virginia, not done here either. Lots of small towns, and you'd be talked about for several generations. Contrary to DIS view, not all Southern weddings have receptions in the church basement.

ROFL- I went to one wedding in Virginia- our whole family from up north still talks about it- we jokingly refer to it as the wedding in the "hell hole"- it was in the basement of a church in July- had to be 90 degrees down there and they did not even serve a meal- it was like these odd little triangle sandwiches like you see in movies from the 50's, cake and this DISGUSTING glop in a punch bowl. We all had to leave early to go out to eat because we were all hungry! We drove all the way from NY and did not even get a meal- it was the weirdest reception ever!

 

[disykat]

Some weddings are not about food or drinking. Not all weddings are the same, often due to cultural, regional, religious, or financial differences. It's just a fact, whether you think it's rude or not. Those of us who are long time readers of the DIS certainly know this! It's pretty easy to read an invitation and figure out whether you're being invited to a ceremony or dinner or a party or all of the above and decline if you don't think your interest in the occasion merits the time or effort. I don't think it's rude to emphasize or skip different wedding "traditions," according to the wishes of the bride and groom. It's their day and my opinion is that if you're not interested in celebrating on their terms, it's pretty easy to just skip it! If you do attend and are missing something, those things are usually available nearby and you can just go finish celebrating on your own.

IMO it would be nice if "that wedding didn't meet my expectations" could be turned into "we got to witness their wedding." To me, the party is secondary. I know that many here don't agree.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I'm still following this thread in amazement. The standard pay for your plate Dis debate has now turned into pay for your seat!

(That doesn't mean I don't get that it's poor planning not to have enough seats, it just means I don't get how a poorly planned wedding determines the amount of the gift. For those that have no idea why I would say that - I'm from the "give a gift based on my relationship with the bride and groom" side of this old DIS argument, not the "give a gift based on the wedding" side.)

Sometimes things happen outside the control of the bride. Sometimes mistakes are made. I'd never take a gift back or reduce the amount due to a seating issue particularly seeing as how I wouldn't know who was at fault. That anyone would is baffling. If that's the attitude going in, one probably shouldn't be going in the first place.

Are you talking about the cover your plate rule? That's a myth. You don't have to cover your plate. The gift is not some sort of economic exchange of like values here. It's a gift. You can more then cover the plate, or less than cover it. Our best gift we got was a snack basket someone made up with some fruit, various bars, trail mix and the like. I think it had water based pancake mix in it too or something like that. We ate that basket the first night of the honeymoon. We got up to the cabin so late we were starved. We were so busy greeting at the reception we didn't really get time to eat up like everyone else did. My FIL saved us each a small plate. But that only went so far. There was really nothing on the way either to stop at being back in the wilderness. I think that probably cost them all of about $15. Came in handy. We had a $300 stand mixer, various priced gifts. We really never thought of well THEY didn't cover their plate. Each gift was appreciated. By the way the very next wedding we attended, we gave a basket. We knew they were going to the same place we did. Boy did it come in handy for them too.

I also got a pay to go to the reception invitation recently. We had to pay for our own dinner at the place they were having that. That's a real no no. No cash bars either. Scale back if you can't afford it. Nobody worth having at your wedding is going to think any differently of you whether it's a $100 a plate meal or cake and ice cream. I sure won't. And to tell you the truth, often times the cake and ice cream is better than some of the banquet food I've received at sit down meal receptions.

 

[sasywtch]

This was an interesting read. I'm from the part of the country that still gives wrapped gifts so not use to cover the plate. If there is a dinner, I would expect seats for everyone. I also don't see a problem with someone putting their coat on a chair if they get up to dance. Who wants to get up to dance and have to look for another place to sit? I think you should have a designated chair for the entire dinner reception including the dancing and such. I like to people watch but I may want to get up to dance every once in awhile.

My son's wedding they had assigned tables up front. 5 up front for immediate family and their closest friends. They sat me and my plus 1 at one end table and my exH and his new wife (that he left me for) at the other end. They seperated us by 3 tables : )

The rest of the guests were mainly relatives who all found a table to sit at with those they knew.

 

[mjkacmom]

Sometimes things happen outside the control of the bride. Sometimes mistakes are made. I'd never take a gift back or reduce the amount due to a seating issue particularly seeing as how I wouldn't know who was at fault. That anyone would is baffling. If that's the attitude going in, one probably shouldn't be going in the first place.

Are you talking about the cover your plate rule? That's a myth. You don't have to cover your plate. The gift is not some sort of economic exchange of like values here. It's a gift. You can more then cover the plate, or less than cover it. Our best gift we got was a snack basket someone made up with some fruit, various bars, trail mix and the like. I think it had water based pancake mix in it too or something like that. We ate that basket the first night of the honeymoon. We got up to the cabin so late we were starved. We were so busy greeting at the reception we didn't really get time to eat up like everyone else did. My FIL saved us each a small plate. But that only went so far. There was really nothing on the way either to stop at being back in the wilderness. I think that probably cost them all of about $15. Came in handy. We had a $300 stand mixer, various priced gifts. We really never thought of well THEY didn't cover their plate. Each gift was appreciated. By the way the very next wedding we attended, we gave a basket. We knew they were going to the same place we did. Boy did it come in handy for them too.

I also got a pay to go to the reception invitation recently. We had to pay for our own dinner at the place they were having that. That's a real no no. No cash bars either. Scale back if you can't afford it. Nobody worth having at your wedding is going to think any differently of you whether it's a $100 a plate meal or cake and ice cream. I sure won't. And to tell you the truth, often times the cake and ice cream is better than some of the banquet food I've received at sit down meal receptions.

Who made you in charge of wedding cultural norms across the world? Cover your plate is not a myth here, a food basket would not be an appropriate gift here, and cake and ice cream would certainly raise some eyebrows, same with a cash bar (which you also seem to agree is tacky). A $100 plate meal here is a bargain.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Who made you in charge of wedding cultural norms across the world? Cover your plate is not a myth here, a food basket would not be an appropriate gift here, and cake and ice cream would certainly raise some eyebrows, same with a cash bar (which you also seem to agree is tacky). A $100 plate meal here is a bargain.

I know we sorta already discussed this in another thread but I just find it interesting that there is such a focus on what you deam is etiquette (as you have mentioned that you do cover your plate cost and what you give as a cash gift is determined by factors of the wedding) and yet would say a fruit basket is inappropriate...frankly that seems (along with *gasp* cake and ice cream!? Oh how low class that seems to you). Gosh I was just so very thankful and appreciative to whatever gifts (even if just a card) that people gave us rather than being focused on how much $$ was spent or the grandeur of the gift.

And the poster didn't say they were in charge of wedding cultural norms. What they did say however was "Nobody worth having at your wedding is going to think any differently of you whether it's a $100 a plate meal or cake and ice cream." Now yes that is their opinion not necessarily the written law perse.

*No offense meant*

 

[mjkacmom]

I know we sorta already discussed this in another thread but I just find it interesting that there is such a focus on what you deam is etiquette (as you have mentioned that you do cover your plate cost and what you give as a cash gift is determined by factors of the wedding) and yet would say a fruit basket is inappropriate...frankly that seems (along with *gasp* cake and ice cream!? Oh how low class that seems to you). Gosh I was just so very thankful and appreciative to whatever gifts (even if just a card) that people gave us rather than being focused on how much $$ was spent or the grandeur of the gift.

And the poster didn't say they were in charge of wedding cultural norms. What they did say however was "Nobody worth having at your wedding is going to think any differently of you whether it's a $100 a plate meal or cake and ice cream." Now yes that is their opinion not necessarily the written law perse.

*No offense meant*

What I'm trying to say is that it is pretty unheard of to give a food basket as a wedding gift, or have a ice cream and cake reception, HERE. It would be odd, like giving someone a piece of toast, or having an asparagus reception.

And the poster I replied to said that cash bars are a bad move, and they are here, as well. However, I certainly understand that they are the norm in other areas, and are not considered tacky.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

What I'm trying to say is that it is pretty unheard of to give a food basket as a wedding gift, or have a ice cream and cake reception, HERE. It would be odd, like giving someone a piece of toast, or having an asparagus reception.

I can understand it being rare for sure. I get that part-we're all from different parts of this world and have different experiences.

But at the same time you took a pretty strong stance in that it would be inappropriate gift and cake and ice cream would raise eyebrows, etc. I'm sure you realize that it's rare for you but could also be common or at least heard of to someone else.

There are a lot of things as a guest we can take issue with, such as the original aspect of this thread where there was lack of enough seating for all, but as a guest I'm personally not going to say "OMG they had cake and ice cream!? Can you just believe it? Couldn't they have had something, you know better than just that that just seems sooooo lowly to just have cake and ice cream." nor would I say "did you see that basket filled with snacks!?, OMG could they not afford a better gift?"

If you actually read their comment you would have seen that the basket filled with snacks came in handy for them and was just what they needed on their first night of their honeymoon. And then because it came in handy for them and they knew the next couple was going to the same place they thought it would come in handy for them to have the basket filled with snacks and according to their comments it did come in handy for that other couple. Things don't need a high price tag or grandeur to be just the right gift or the gift that came with a lot of thought.

 

[mjkacmom]

I can understand it being rare for sure. I get that part-we're all from different parts of this world and have different experiences.

But at the same time you took a pretty strong stance in that it would be inappropriate gift and cake and ice cream would raise eyebrows, etc. I'm sure you realize that it's rare for you but could also be common or at least heard of to someone else.

There are a lot of things as a guest we can take issue with, such as the original aspect of this thread where there was lack of enough seating for all, but as a guest I'm personally not going to say "OMG they had cake and ice cream!? Can you just believe it? Couldn't they have had something, you know better than just that that just seems sooooo lowly to just have cake and ice cream." nor would I say "did you see that basket filled with snacks!?, OMG could they not afford a better gift?"

If you actually read their comment you would have seen that the basket filled with snacks came in handy for them and was just what they needed on their first night of their honeymoon. And then because it came in handy for them and they knew the next couple was going to the same place they thought it would come in handy for them to have the basket filled with snacks and according to their comments it did come in handy for that other couple. Things don't need a high price tag or grandeur to be just the right gift or the gift that came with a lot of thought.

It's not about the cost, you could fill the basket with $200 worth of snacks, it would still be an odd gift HERE. As for cake and ice cream, food is a huge component of celebrations HERE. A 3 pm child's birthday party will have pizza, or some kind of meal, so something as special as a wedding will have more than ice cream and cake.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I've never been to a wedding with assigned seating or tables. It just isn't done here, at least among our friends/family. I haven't been to a wedding (or other event that I can think of) that didn't have more than enough seating for everyone. To me, it is rude to invite people and not have enough seating. I have been to a wedding where there was no food--there was cake, but they served people a piece that was about an inch by an inch, and they ran out well before everyone was served.

We didn't have assigned tables at our wedding 20 years ago, other than the table for the wedding party. We did have a buffet, but there were plenty of seats and several extra tables because we didn't know how many people were coming. I would have preferred a sit-down meal, but we planned our wedding about 5 weeks in advance, so there really wasn't time to get rsvp cards back before the food had to be ordered.