Wedding reception question

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You're focused on what is the norm for you THERE but the poster gave what occurred in their experience. I see no difference really in things--you're basing off of your experience and they are basing off of their experience but I'm fairly certain each of you can understand that your experience may differ from others and on various threads I've learned about experiences from around the world that don't in many ways match mine.

I do see you've added the additional comment about cash bars=tacky after I've started quoting you..now that is something rarely done here nowadays at least in my experience. I did an open bar and prepaid for tips not because I thought it was tacky to do cash bars but that I didn't want my guests to feel like they needed to brings all sorts of cash with them.

It's not about the cost,

I'm sorry, it sure seemed like that's the way it came off.

you could fill the basket with $200 worth of snacks, it would still be an odd gift

Well first it's inappropriate gift but now it's just odd? IDK maybe it seemed odd to them to receive a snack basket and then it became quite useful to them when they got to their honeymoon destination starved late at night.

We got a silk fabric piece from my husband's friend who was from Mongolia. We thought it was an odd gift, though not in a mean way at all, but we found out it's what they do there. We didn't think anything less of the person for giving us something we would have absolutely no usage for nor did we say it was an inappriopriate gift..because it was actually something very thoughtful. But your comments are of a different manner in which it's not that it's just odd but that it would be wrong of a guest to have gotten someone a gift like that because they were supposed to give the couple of more cost or more grandeur.

_____________________

As for cake and ice cream, food is a huge component of celebrations

A 3 pm child's birthday party will have pizza, or some kind of meal, so something as special as a wedding will have more than ice cream and cake.

To the two above comments...yeah see we're back to square one again. If a couple wants to have cake and ice cream at their darn wedding so be it. I've had some lackluster or downright icky cake by the way at weddings that you know cost a pretty penny. I would have loved to have had some good tasting cake and sure throw in some ice cream rather than focus on the appearance of having cake and ice cream.

My sister-in-law got married last year and had KFC take-out at her new grandmother-in-law's apartment clubhouse. Now that's not a norm at all and is vastly different than my wedding to her brother but still we didn't look down upon her. I believe they had homemade cupcakes too with ice cream.

 

[Disney Doll]

Don't really care about buffet vs. plated meal. I will say if you're at a reception and it takes almost an hour to serve 200-300 people a plated meal, then your place is poorly run. I had a plated wedding dinner and all 200 people were served within 10-15 minutes. They had enough staff.

Make sure everyone has a seat. If you're doing open seating then have an extra table just in case.

Don't make me pay for anything at your party. If you don't serve liquor I don't care but don't make me pay for a soda or a cup of coffee.

Beyond that what else happens doesn't matter to me.

 

[ronandannette]

I'm still following this thread in amazement. The standard pay for your plate Dis debate has now turned into pay for your seat!

(That doesn't mean I don't get that it's poor planning not to have enough seats, it just means I don't get how a poorly planned wedding determines the amount of the gift. For those that have no idea why I would say that - I'm from the "give a gift based on my relationship with the bride and groom" side of this old DIS argument, not the "give a gift based on the wedding" side.)

Sometimes things happen outside the control of the bride. Sometimes mistakes are made. I'd never take a gift back or reduce the amount due to a seating issue particularly seeing as how I wouldn't know who was at fault. That anyone would is baffling. If that's the attitude going in, one probably shouldn't be going in the first place.

I wish we had a little more insight into the OP's situation - was the venue purposely selected and set up with fewer chairs than guests or did extra people show up unexpectedly? Were there like 5 or 6 too few seats or 50? I suspect (because I can't imagine anyone doing it on purpose) that the "unseated" guests were unexpected, and I'd be pretty pissed at the wedding planner or venue coordinator who didn't recognize and rectify the problem. A point was also made upthread about gracious hosting. Whether it's the parents or the bridal couple themselves, somebody should have been "working the room" enough to notice the problem. And who knows - maybe they were. OP never did actually say how it turned out, and a single "snapshot in time" type of perception may not tell the entire story.

I know one time I went to a wedding that had a cash bar- that is NEVER done around here so it caught everyone by surprise- there was a lot of dipping in the gift envelopes going on there! I never carry cash unless I know I would need it and out of all the weddings I have been to no one has ever thrown one where they expected the guests to dip into their own pockets to pay for drinks!

We didn't expect our guests to pay for anything but we also didn't serve liquor, other than the champagne pours for toasting. There did happen to be a bar in another part of the venue and a few people purchased drinks because they apparently wanted them badly enough to do so. The vast majority of our guests didn't drink and I don't think our choice to provide only punch, soft drinks and coffee was offensive. FWIW, we never specified on the invitations that there wouldn't be any alcohol and when I go to a wedding, I don't really think about whether or not there will be.

I think the cultural difference of belief that a wedding invitation equates to expecting the cash equivalent of what a wedding costs vs. wedding having no bearing on gift whatsoever is just too big to ever understand the other viewpoint.

I'm with you - I will simply never understand the connection between the type of party and the size of the gift. I wonder if the people who are accustomed to the "cover the plate" way of thinking do a "post-game" rehash and ask themselves how they could have provided added-value to the guests to increase revenue? If an envelope comes out light do they wonder what incident or area of dissatisfaction could have affected the amount? Since "the customer is always right", maybe their parties aren't quite as good as they think they are! Of course I'm kidding (no offence to "cover your platers"!!), but the whole thing just seems so crazy to me...

 

[mjkacmom]

Mackenzie, I give up trying to get my point across to you.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Mackenzie, I give up trying to get my point across to you.

That's okay no worries

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

We didn't expect our guests to pay for anything but we also didn't serve liquor, other than the champagne pours for toasting. There did happen to be a bar in another part of the venue and a few people purchased drinks because they apparently wanted them badly enough to do so. The vast majority of our guests didn't drink and I don't think our choice to provide only punch, soft drinks and coffee was offensive. FWIW, we never specified on the invitations that there wouldn't be any alcohol and when I go to a wedding, I don't really think about whether or not there will be.

Look out.

There was an entire thread here, not long ago, about how horrible you are if you don't have an open bar.

Like you, we didn't serve (or pay for alcohol.) Yes, there was a bar downstairs. If you wanted a drink that bad, you could either go down yourself and get one, or you could request it of one of the servers.

My husband doesn't drink, nor did my parents. Seemed kind of crazy for either of them to pay for alcohol. We had plenty of water, soda, coffee and tea available.

 

[asta]

I wish we had a little more insight into the OP's situation - was the venue purposely selected and set up with fewer chairs than guests or did extra people show up unexpectedly? Were there like 5 or 6 too few seats or 50? I suspect (because I can't imagine anyone doing it on purpose) that the "unseated" guests were unexpected, and I'd be pretty pissed at the wedding planner or venue coordinator who didn't recognize and rectify the problem. A point was also made upthread about gracious hosting. Whether it's the parents or the bridal couple themselves, somebody should have been "working the room" enough to notice the problem. And who knows - maybe they were. OP never did actually say how it turned out, and a single "snapshot in time" type of perception may not tell the entire story.

OP here. I have been following along on this thread with interest of some wedding issues that have been mentioned but most do not address what I have found to be strange. I see as strange an expanded list of reserved tables for some but not all guests and that list not including reserved seating for bridesmaids and groomsmen. These reserved tables go beyond immediate family and the elderly. In the last two weddings I attended reservation cards were set up for aunts, uncles, cousins and in one case relatives of the mother of the bride's sister's in-laws. It just seems odd to reserve for so many guests but not everyone.

More posters seem interested in there not being enough seating for everyone. I don't know how or why this is happening but it happens so much that I guess I didn't even see that as the main point. We have been to three wedding receptions in the last 7 weeks and had seating issues at all three. The first was at a country club, no seats to be found at any table. My husband and I took our plates to a sofa in the entry way to the club and ate with the plate in our lap. The second reception was also at a country club. My daughter was a bridesmaid in that one. They came in to the buffet late because pictures were being taken. They were left wandering from room to room holding their plates. They finally sat down at a table where others had been sitting but had gotten up. These people came back and 'asked (kind of demanded)' them to move. It was kind of unpleasant and the girls just decided to be glad they had a few bites and gave up on dinner. Very odd to treat the bridesmaids that way. The third wedding was at a very fancy, very expensive symphony hall. We entered the main room and were surprised to see half the tables in the main room had reservation cards. The others were being quickly claimed before we realized what was going on. We went into a side room where the buffet was located and found these little low bistro tables alongside bench seating. We ate there but it seemed so odd that about half the wedding guests had formal ballroom seating with linens, centerpieces and real tables and others not so much. I also noticed that many of the bridesmaids were eating in the room with us.

Sorry to be so long, more info than you probably want, but it just seems so odd to have these two tiers of wedding guests. It definitely gives the message to me that some guests are more important than others. And if you are reserving tables for very extended family members then I would think you would reserve tables for the wedding party. And that doesn't even address the middle school behavior of people quickly grabbing tables and holding them for their friends. So much for open seating encouraging mixing and mingling.

 

[ronandannette]

OP here. I have been following along on this thread with interest of some wedding issues that have been mentioned but most do not address what I have found to be strange. I see as strange an expanded list of reserved tables for some but not all guests and that list not including reserved seating for bridesmaids and groomsmen. These reserved tables go beyond immediate family and the elderly. In the last two weddings I attended reservation cards were set up for aunts, uncles, cousins and in one case relatives of the mother of the bride's sister's in-laws. It just seems odd to reserve for so many guests but not everyone.

More posters seem interested in there not being enough seating for everyone. I don't know how or why this is happening but it happens so much that I guess I didn't even see that as the main point. We have been to three wedding receptions in the last 7 weeks and had seating issues at all three. The first was at a country club, no seats to be found at any table. My husband and I took our plates to a sofa in the entry way to the club and ate with the plate in our lap. The second reception was also at a country club. My daughter was a bridesmaid in that one. They came in to the buffet late because pictures were being taken. They were left wandering from room to room holding their plates. They finally sat down at a table where others had been sitting but had gotten up. These people came back and 'asked (kind of demanded)' them to move. It was kind of unpleasant and the girls just decided to be glad they had a few bites and gave up on dinner. Very odd to treat the bridesmaids that way. The third wedding was at a very fancy, very expensive symphony hall. We entered the main room and were surprised to see half the tables in the main room had reservation cards. The others were being quickly claimed before we realized what was going on. We went into a side room where the buffet was located and found these little low bistro tables alongside bench seating. We ate there but it seemed so odd that about half the wedding guests had formal ballroom seating with linens, centerpieces and real tables and others not so much. I also noticed that many of the bridesmaids were eating in the room with us.

Sorry to be so long, more info than you probably want, but it just seems so odd to have these two tiers of wedding guests. It definitely gives the message to me that some guests are more important than others. And if you are reserving tables for very extended family members then I would think you would reserve tables for the wedding party. And that doesn't even address the middle school behavior of people quickly grabbing tables and holding them for their friends. So much for open seating encouraging mixing and mingling.

Thanks for the details. I must say I've never given this any thought before, but then again, I've never been left without some sort of spot at the table, either. At the wedding where your DD was part of the bridal party, did she know the format ahead of time? It would be interesting to have some insight into what the bridal couple were thinking about how everthing was going to work out when they did the planning.

The one thing I'm still wondering is how many people seemed to be without seats. A small number would indicate that extra guests attended unexpectedly. And I still stand on the idea that the wedding planner, venue coordinator or the hosts should have noticed and had something sorted out.

 

[aprilgail]

Look out.

There was an entire thread here, not long ago, about how horrible you are if you don't have an open bar.

Like you, we didn't serve (or pay for alcohol.) Yes, there was a bar downstairs. If you wanted a drink that bad, you could either go down yourself and get one, or you could request it of one of the servers.

My husband doesn't drink, nor did my parents. Seemed kind of crazy for either of them to pay for alcohol. We had plenty of water, soda, coffee and tea available.

I did not pay for an open bar at my retirement party since there was a bar there but not many of my friends drink so what I did was just had them run a tab for anyone that wanted to drink and I paid the bar tab at the end- I wouldn't think to have my guests pay for it since they were my guests.

 

[asta]

Thanks for the details. I must say I've never given this any thought before, but then again, I've never been left without some sort of spot at the table, either. At the wedding where your DD was part of the bridal party, did she know the format ahead of time? It would be interesting to have some insight into what the bridal couple were thinking about how everthing was going to work out when they did the planning.

The one thing I'm still wondering is how many people seemed to be without seats. A small number would indicate that extra guests attended unexpectedly. And I still stand on the idea that the wedding planner, venue coordinator or the hosts should have noticed and had something sorted out.

In my daughter's situation, they had no idea and were not told anything ahead of time. I don't know what the bride was thinking or if they had extra guests that had not RSVP'd. Honestly until I read this thread I had not thought about the lack of seating coming from unplanned guests but that makes sense. In the case of bridesmaids wandering around with full plates you would think the wedding planner would have done something.

In the last wedding I described it looked like 1/3 to 1/2 of the guests were relegated to auxiliary seating in the side room. It seems odd to have seating situations that were so different. And the fact that they had reserved 6-8 big round tops in the main ballroom for extended family tells you that they knew not everyone could dine at a table and wanted to make sure that those select guests got a seat. If guests had to eat in side rooms I think they should have at least also set tables up in that room.

 

[Pandabear41]

Look out.

There was an entire thread here, not long ago, about how horrible you are if you don't have an open bar.

Like you, we didn't serve (or pay for alcohol.) Yes, there was a bar downstairs. If you wanted a drink that bad, you could either go down yourself and get one, or you could request it of one of the servers.

My husband doesn't drink, nor did my parents. Seemed kind of crazy for either of them to pay for alcohol. We had plenty of water, soda, coffee and tea available.

At our wedding, We didn't serve or have alcohol at our wedding except for the table with bride, groom, groomsmen, bridesmaids, and parents of the bride/groom. Just water, coffee, tea, and sparkling non-alcoholic cider for rest of the guests. If they wanted a drink they could go to the bar next door and purchase one.
Some people might be like OMG no free alcohol we aren't going. Me and my wife decided this to save money and to weed out the family/friends who don't care about the wedding or the couple, but only care about the free alcohol and food. It worked, we had 7 groups of guests that denied our invites and made explicit in notes that not attending due to not having a hosted bar or super fancy food (we had buffet style meats + sides).

 

[ronandannette]

At our wedding, We didn't serve or have alcohol at our wedding except for the table with bride, groom, groomsmen, bridesmaids, and parents of the bride/groom. Just water, coffee, tea, and sparkling non-alcoholic cider for rest of the guests. If they wanted a drink they could go to the bar next door and purchase one.
Some people might be like OMG no free alcohol we aren't going. Me and my wife decided this to save money and to weed out the family/friends who don't care about the wedding or the couple, but only care about the free alcohol and food. It worked, we had 7 groups of guests that denied our invites and made explicit in notes that not attending due to not having a hosted bar or super fancy food (we had buffet style meats + sides).

Obviously from my post up-stream, I don't believe anybody needs to serve alcohol if that doesn't suit their plans. We didn't, except for a champagne toast. But honestly, I've never heard of serving something extra for the wedding party and parents that wasn't also offered to the guests. I simply couldn't have done that, whether or not it would have bothered (or even been noticed by) my guests.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Who made you in charge of wedding cultural norms across the world? Cover your plate is not a myth here, a food basket would not be an appropriate gift here, and cake and ice cream would certainly raise some eyebrows, same with a cash bar (which you also seem to agree is tacky). A $100 plate meal here is a bargain.

Nobody appointed me anything. But you seem to have appointed me your punching bag. Why so hostile? Those that are up on their manners say the same things I do. Cover your plate is not a requirement. How much to spend on a wedding gift is up to the person buying said gift and that person alone. They should take into account what they can afford and their relationship to the bride and groom. And if someone chooses to put their nose in the air and look down for those that don't cover their plate or in one case I know of write a nasty letter, well that's on them, not the person that failed to cover their plate. The fact is most people that haven't planned a wedding recently with the same type of food and reception as the wedding they're going to won't have a clue how much will cover their plate anyway. And what if they bought a gift to cover their plate and they don't like the food? What if the caterer serves them a well done flat iron steak (that cut shouldn't go past med rare) and they forgot to cut the membrane out of it resulting in an inedible mess? Do they get to take their gift back? I'm sorry that reality goes against you. But that's something for you to take up with reality. Not me.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

What I'm trying to say is that it is pretty unheard of to give a food basket as a wedding gift, or have a ice cream and cake reception, HERE. It would be odd, like giving someone a piece of toast, or having an asparagus reception.

And the poster I replied to said that cash bars are a bad move, and they are here, as well. However, I certainly understand that they are the norm in other areas, and are not considered tacky.

Well yeah, you wouldn't want to give one at every wedding. And if you'd read my post more carefully, you'd see I wasn't advocating everyone go out and give food baskets. But the people that gave it to us put some thought into where we were going that night, how far the drive was, and they knew we could use it. They were right and we really appreciated it. You can turn your nose up but it doesn't change that it was a good gift and much appreciated.

 

[mjkacmom]

Nobody appointed me anything. But you seem to have appointed me your punching bag. Why so hostile? Those that are up on their manners say the same things I do. Cover your plate is not a requirement. How much to spend on a wedding gift is up to the person buying said gift and that person alone. They should take into account what they can afford and their relationship to the bride and groom. And if someone chooses to put their nose in the air and look down for those that don't cover their plate or in one case I know of write a nasty letter, well that's on them, not the person that failed to cover their plate. The fact is most people that haven't planned a wedding recently with the same type of food and reception as the wedding they're going to won't have a clue how much will cover their plate anyway. And what if they bought a gift to cover their plate and they don't like the food? What if the caterer serves them a well done flat iron steak (that cut shouldn't go past med rare) and they forgot to cut the membrane out of it resulting in an inedible mess? Do they get to take their gift back? I'm sorry that reality goes against you. But that's something for you to take up with reality. Not me.

You said covering your plate is a myth, and maybe it is where you live. I assure you, it is no myth where I live. Cultural norms differ everywhere, you can only really state what is typical where you live, not everywhere. I've never been to a wedding here where alcohol has not been served (free). Is it fair to me to say that dry weddings are a myth?

 

[aprilgail]

At our wedding, We didn't serve or have alcohol at our wedding except for the table with bride, groom, groomsmen, bridesmaids, and parents of the bride/groom. Just water, coffee, tea, and sparkling non-alcoholic cider for rest of the guests.

OMG that seems SO wrong! So some guests were good enough for the VIP package but other guests at the SAME event were only good enough for the "no frills package"- as a guest to something like that I would have felt highly insulted that some were given one thing and others not good enough for the same thing- I could never hold a party like that.

 

[Hikergirl]

OMG that seems SO wrong! So some guests were good enough for the VIP package but other guests at the SAME event were only good enough for the "no frills package"- as a guest to something like that I would have felt highly insulted that some were given one thing and others not good enough for the same thing- I could never hold a party like that.

I will say that a cash bar here is definitely not the norm. I have been to a few weddings where their was a cash bar for guests but no charge for the wedding attendants. I'm not sure, but that may be normal in the case of cash bars.

I personally don't care if you don't serve alcohol at all, but if you are going to have a cash bar at least let the guests know beforehand.

 

[Minnesota!]

High end wedding last night. Open seating, buffet (fruit, rolls, salad plated at table), gift table (that was FILLED with wrapped gifts), small card box.

Bar was hosted for a few hours, then went to cash for the last 4 or so.

Typical Twin Cities wedding.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Well first it's inappropriate gift but now it's just odd? IDK maybe it seemed odd to them to receive a snack basket and then it became quite useful to them when they got to their honeymoon destination starved late at night.

We got a silk fabric piece from my husband's friend who was from Mongolia. We thought it was an odd gift, though not in a mean way at all, but we found out it's what they do there. We didn't think anything less of the person for giving us something we would have absolutely no usage for nor did we say it was an inappriopriate gift..because it was actually something very thoughtful. But your comments are of a different manner in which it's not that it's just odd but that it would be wrong of a guest to have gotten someone a gift like that because they were supposed to give the couple of more cost or more grandeur.

_____________________

To the two above comments...yeah see we're back to square one again. If a couple wants to have cake and ice cream at their darn wedding so be it. I've had some lackluster or downright icky cake by the way at weddings that you know cost a pretty penny. I would have loved to have had some good tasting cake and sure throw in some ice cream rather than focus on the appearance of having cake and ice cream.

My sister-in-law got married last year and had KFC take-out at her new grandmother-in-law's apartment clubhouse. Now that's not a norm at all and is vastly different than my wedding to her brother but still we didn't look down upon her. I believe they had homemade cupcakes too with ice cream.

To clarify, we never thought the basket odd in a bad way. Not the usual gift but they knew the area where we were going and when and knew we'd need it. They told us to take it with us or we'd have just put it with the other presents. A great gift with careful thought put into it. I think the poster you responded to was indeed thinking ill of it. Meh. So be it. We didn't. We were happy with the gift. I remember a thread awhile back about a story where some bridezilla sent a nasty note to one of her guests regarding the insufficiency of her present. I'm not sure if it ended up being true or a hoax.
Ahhh Here it is.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/02/wedding-gift_n_3535780.html
Oh and there's a link within the story to one where two bridezillas were unhappy with their gift basket. HAHHAHA. That dust up is a doozy.

We did go to a wedding where it was pretty much cake, ice cream, those little candy things some punch, and some cookies. I think they had some strawberries too. It's all they could afford. It was the middle of the day about 3pm. So nobody needed a meal. We didn't look down on them for it and thought it was nice. Nor did we say oh wait, that's about $5 a plate. So we're taking our gift back and getting a $5 gift.

 

[quandrea]

I wonder if all of this kind of stuff happens because people don't entertain much so they don't have practice being gracious hosts. I used to cater in university and my family entertained frequently while I was growing up. By the time I married, I planned, cooked, and orchestrated parties for as many as 3000. On my wedding day, some guests pulled a table switcheroo. This usurped other guests who tried to go to a different table. Problem was, not all tables had the same number of seats. I saw it happening, quickly got the caterer to lay another spot. Problem solved. My wedding had assigned seating but this was a guest induced snafoo. Point is--I was an aware host who jumped in to fix an issue.

I think perhaps brides and grooms get caught up in it being their day and forget that they are the architects of a very large production with many moving parts. A good host watches things unfold and steps in to remedy problems as they arise. A good event planner or caterer will assist in this but it really is up to the host to keep an eye out.

As far as not enough seating--you have to know your crowd. Not enough seats might work for s cocktail party or a young crowd. For a full meal and a multi-generational guest list, assigned seating ensures everyone's comfort.