Choosing to be Child Free. What are your reasons/changed minds?

[Happyinwonerland]

Umm don't you think you should have discussed this before marrying?!?!? Maybe it is just me but we discussed kids, money, living arrangements - where & what. Why go just go blindly into marriage.

The thing is, people can change their minds. DH and I married young, at 21, both still in college. We both agreed we wanted kids "some day", I wanted a big family and he wanted a small family. By our late 20's, he wasn't sure if he still wanted kids, I was sure I still did. He decided he'd rather have kids than lose me, so we had DD. After she was born, He realized that he loves being a dad and I realized I only want 1.

Life is fluid, making a decision before you're married, when things are still a possibility and not a reality, is so different than actually living life. I can't imagine how miserable I'd be if I 100% stuck to every decision I made in my early 20's!

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

If you don't mind me asking, what do you think of being a younger mother? I would think doing it young would be easier to interact with the kids as they get older, because you'll still be young enough to do activities with them.
But waiting until you're older MIGHT mean better financial stability and maturity.

What's your experience?

Younger is good now because I speak their language as far technology and trends. Younger wasn't great then because of our overconfidence and naivety. We THOUGHT we had good enough jobs and stability to raise a family... But in reality, not really.

 

[sonnyjane]

How often did you get the "you'll change your mind when you get older."
I still get it. Or the, "you will change your mind when you have them."

I have had TWO different doctors that both insisted I would change my mind. One mandated that I take prenatal vitamins. When I said that I didn't want kids, she lectured that "You just never know what you'll decide!". I didn't go back to her after that. A second doctor insisted that it was "healthier for my body" to have a child because that's what is natural and that the chance of breast cancer decreases if you have a baby. I told her that's a really bad reason to have a baby. I didn't go back to her either.

I mentioned earlier that I'm 34. DH is 32. We were both so sick of all our friends and family saying that we would change our minds that he decided to have a vasectomy to shut them up haha.

 

[MamaBelle4]

. One mandated that I take prenatal vitamins. When I said that I didn't want kids, she lectured that "You just never know what you'll decide!". I didn't go back to her after that. A second doctor insisted that it was "healthier for my body" to have a child because that's what is natural and that the chance of breast cancer decreases if you have a baby.

See, that makes me crazy! I had a tubal ligation. I'm 31. I told them when I went in for my first prenatal appointment that I wanted one. I was adamant.

"Why doesn't your husband have the surgery?"
"You're so young. It's permanent. What if, in 5 years, you want another one?"

Every time. For some reason, they didn't want to do it. I even had to schedule a "special consultation" with the surgeon to make sure I understood. And then I had to watch a video which explained how babies are made (thank God someone told me!) And listed all of the alternative methods, but told me nothing about the actual procedure. It was ridiculous, I got so angry.

 

[Disney_Alli]

When I was young (like grade 7 and 8) I always put down that I'd have kids in X number of years on those stupid questionnaires but I mostly did it because I felt like that's what was expected of me. By high school I was pretty sure I never wanted kids and by the time I met my husband at 27 I was pretty dead set in my ways - I wasn't even sure I wanted a husband and I KNEW I didn't want kids. I was worried as the oldest of 4 boys from a good Catholic family that he really would want kids but we talked about it and decided we both like our lives just as they are. My twin sister had my nephew 3 days after our 30th birthday and just 2 months before my wedding. I love my nephew with my whole heart - he's my everything! - but I still don't want kids and at almost 33 I'm counting the days (okay years) until people will finally stop telling me I'll change my mind when I'm older unfortunately my husband just turned 29 so I know it'll continue for a long while. I love, love, LOVE that my parents have never questioned my decision or my sister's. They actually told me they never really saw me having kids. So refreshing!

 

[sonnyjane]

See, that makes me crazy! I had a tubal ligation. I'm 31. I told them when I went in for my first prenatal appointment that I wanted one. I was adamant.

"Why doesn't your husband have the surgery?"
"You're so young. It's permanent. What if, in 5 years, you want another one?"

Every time. For some reason, they didn't want to do it. I even had to schedule a "special consultation" with the surgeon to make sure I understood. And then I had to watch a video which explained how babies are made (thank God someone told me!) And listed all of the alternative methods, but told me nothing about the actual procedure. It was ridiculous, I got so angry.

Yeah. I was pleasantly surprised when DH got his procedure that nobody gave him a hard time for being young and having no kids. I was prepared for a battle after hearing stories.

 

[dosekies]

I don't want to gang up on you but I hope you two discuss this thoroughly before you get married. My cousin wanted kids and assumed her husband would change his mind over time. When he didn't, it led to a huge, messy divorce. Not being on the same page over something so huge could be hard in the future.

I don't mean to interfere or interject where not wanted, but thought I'd put my two cents in.

Thank you! We actually talk about it a lot with each other. We're very open with each other about EVERYTHING and this is no different. Right now it is definitely more of a 'I want to be a bit more financially stable and settled' mind set for me. We're only 24, but it seems like everyone around us are having babies. While I may not feel ready and can't picture myself as a mom right now, I know deep down I will one day.

 

[sk!mom]

The ONLY thing that occasionally tugs at me is that I have no one to really pass anything on to. I have things like a gorgeous shadow box of arrowheads my dad found as a kid, but no one to leave them to-my niece wouldn't care for them, and my grown stepson from my first marriage came into my life long after my dad died, so they are nothing special to him either. I have some items from my grandmother that I suppose I could leave to my niece, but I'm not sure she'd be interested in those either. I want to make plans for those type things because it breaks my heart to think they'd end up dumped somewhere or at good will.

I don't know if it will make you feel better or not but just know that many times children don't want the items that a parent treasures either. I just had this conversation with friends.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Thank you! We actually talk about it a lot with each other. We're very open with each other about EVERYTHING and this is no different. Right now it is definitely more of a 'I want to be a bit more financially stable and settled' mind set for me. We're only 24, but it seems like everyone around us are having babies. While I may not feel ready and can't picture myself as a mom right now, I know deep down I will one day.

I remember feeling jealous when a lot of our friends started having babies around that age. We weren't ready financially, and really we weren't ready to give up our freedoms, but waiting was hard sometimes. I definitely felt that urge to be a mom every time I held someone else's baby.

We had DD at 28, and I'm so glad we waited. Having our 20's together was great, we had so much fun. And since we were stable in careers, we have had the money to do a lot of fun things with her and not worry about how to afford diapers.

 

[dosekies]

I remember feeling jealous when a lot of our friends started having babies around that age. We weren't ready financially, and really we weren't ready to give up our freedoms, but waiting was hard sometimes. I definitely felt that urge to be a mom every time I held someone else's baby.

We had DD at 28, and I'm so glad we waited. Having our 20's together was great, we had so much fun. And since we were stable in careers, we have had the money to do a lot of fun things with her and not worry about how to afford diapers.

Yeah my SO is definitely the one who gets jealous whenever he sees other babies. One of his friends has a baby girl and he goes nuts over her whenever we see them. As much as I think being young parents would be fun in theory, I definitely don't want to be worrying about finances every step of the way!

 

[sk!mom]

I think that people can choose to be child-free for selfish reasons,

Completely disagree. It is not selfish to do what you want with your life. If you know that you do not choose to parent, then remaining childless is a wise choice. It makes absolutely no sense to call such a decision selfish.

As I see it, the only selfish choices are to have children to fill some void in your own life or to have children and then not care for them.

 

[Tiki_Sara]

I’m child free, it wasn’t really a conscious decision, it just never happened, but I suppose if I’d really wanted kids, I would have found a way to make it happen. I’m happy with my life, so don’t feel unfulfilled or less of a person because I didn’t pro-create. I adore my niece and love spending time with her, so it isn’t that I don’t like kids, I just don’t want any of my own.

I also don’t think ‘selfish’ is really the correct word to use for people who choose not to have kids. In fact, I think it’s pretty ignorant. Let’s all respect each others’ choices and be glad we have that choice in the first place.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

See, that makes me crazy! I had a tubal ligation. I'm 31. I told them when I went in for my first prenatal appointment that I wanted one. I was adamant.

"Why doesn't your husband have the surgery?"
"You're so young. It's permanent. What if, in 5 years, you want another one?"

Every time. For some reason, they didn't want to do it. I even had to schedule a "special consultation" with the surgeon to make sure I understood. And then I had to watch a video which explained how babies are made (thank God someone told me!) And listed all of the alternative methods, but told me nothing about the actual procedure. It was ridiculous, I got so angry.

Hijacking the thread for a moment to throw in my 2 cents...

The numerous things that make me infertile also put me at increased risk for various cancers. At one point I was even 1 step away from having full-blown uterine cancer and had to have my 3rd abdominal surgery. I was being told that I needed to have a hysterectomy, but they were giving me a chance to try and have a child. I finally got pregnant at 40 and DS was born just after my 41st birthday. Now I'll be 44 this year, and the same doctors won't let me have my hysterectomy! No, instead they made me get a Mirena that is controlling my issues, yes, but it's causing other problems. They're concerned because I have 15 more embryos in storage and they've decided that I'll regret not trying again. Ugh...no, just take the darn parts out, for crying out loud...

Okay, back to the original question at hand

 

[MamaBelle4]

They're concerned because I have 15 more embryos in storage and they've decided that I'll regret not trying again.

Don't you know the doctors know what we want better than we do?

 

[tvguy]

Very personal choice. To want to have children is just as fine as to not want to have children. And nothing wrong with changing your mind about not wanting to have children. And it should be your decision without any outside pressure.

Having said that, I do have to admit I have been amused by people I know who were very vocal about not wanting children......and that often is tied to the opinion marriage being "nothing more than a piece of paper".....who hit 40 and suddenly NEED to be married and have kids. Does make me wonder if the old biological clock kicks in.

 

[LSUmiss]

Yeah my SO is definitely the one who gets jealous whenever he sees other babies. One of his friends has a baby girl and he goes nuts over her whenever we see them. As much as I think being young parents would be fun in theory, I definitely don't want to be worrying about finances every step of the way!

For us, I know we were much more stable at the older age. I know I am a better parent than I would have been in my 20s, but that’s just me. One thing we enjoy is the financial stability of being able to do things with DS & for him that my friends who had kids earlier had to sweat out. Now they’re older & their kids are older, but they’re still not able to do stuff financially b/c of the cost of raising kids until now. My BIL’s kids are out the house & are adults, but they still have no $$ b/c of financial decisions they had to make to afford kids before they were really able to. I know this isn’t all young parents, of course. But, we feel we had the best of both worlds.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I know you’re looking for other child free comments. I just wanted to say that there is no other life experience like being pregnant, giving birth, and raising a child. It completely changes your perspective on life.

We ended up only having one child which in some ways is nice. We still have some discretionary income and we can spoil her a bit.

Good luck with your decision!

True, but having gone through it, I wouldn't say it's an experience I needed to have!

Don't you know the doctors know what we want better than we do?

Well, of course they do! How could we silly little wimmin folk possibly make decisions for ourselves? I went to a new OB/gyn when I was 26. He got miffed when he found out I had an IUD and said, "I wouldn't have approved you for an IUD -- you're in your prime child-bearing years." I was like, "yeah, idiot, that's precisely why I need it!"

 

[Skippy918]

Thank you! We actually talk about it a lot with each other. We're very open with each other about EVERYTHING and this is no different. Right now it is definitely more of a 'I want to be a bit more financially stable and settled' mind set for me. We're only 24, but it seems like everyone around us are having babies. While I may not feel ready and can't picture myself as a mom right now, I know deep down I will one day.

I think that’s really important that you recognize that both of you want to wait till you are financially stable before taking the plunge. I felt the same way you did at 24. We were still establishing our careers and wanted to save money, do some traveling. Kids are expensive. Childcare alone takes a huge chunk out of our wallets, but because we are financially established we are able to provide those extras for the kids.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Basically, I'm self-aware enough to know I wouldn't be a good parent, and don't want to inflict that on a kid. If that's selfish, I'll take that label.

I think that's the opposite of selfish! You're already considering the potential kid's point of view.


I have one child, but decided not to have more. Part of that was medical, but part was the self-awareness of understanding exactly what kind of mother I am. I'm pretty good with one, but I would have spent a whole lot of time feeling torn in half if I'd had more, and that wouldn't have been good for any of them.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I don't understand how it could be considered selfish to NOT want children.