Choosing to be Child Free. What are your reasons/changed minds?

[morgan98]

I don't understand how it could be considered selfish to NOT want children.

I think it is because many assume people that do not have children do so in order to be self absorbed with their own things. Anyway, I have heard more than once how it must be nice to have extra time, extra money, be able to travel, go to the gym etc. I think it is sometimes a projection of their feelings about things they may not do as much of because of kids.

I agree that it is not selfish and it is good for people to make choices and do what works for them.

 

[Owlpost23]

To those who truly don't want kids,THANK YOU! I've worked in preschools for a long time,and there are WAY too many parents that shouldn't have had children.Children are a lot of work,and I've seen many parents who are adamant about having their "me" time,even with little ones.We've got parents at my school who are off in the summer,and bring their kids full time in the summer.It's absolutely nuts.BTW,I'm not a dog person,but no one has ever given me a hard time about it.

 

[mjkacmom]

Thank you! We actually talk about it a lot with each other. We're very open with each other about EVERYTHING and this is no different. Right now it is definitely more of a 'I want to be a bit more financially stable and settled' mind set for me. We're only 24, but it seems like everyone around us are having babies. While I may not feel ready and can't picture myself as a mom right now, I know deep down I will one day.

Everyone that young?! I had my first at 29 (an oops), and I was definitely one of the first out of a large circle of friends to have a baby. It would be very hard to have a child at 24 here, hard to make friends, since most don’t even get married until 30.

 

[LilyWDW]

How often did you get the "you'll change your mind when you get older."
I still get it. Or the, "you will change your mind when you have them."

All the time. I have gotten to the point where I have stopped laughing it off or being polite. I will flat out tell people how rude those comments are. When a person says they are childfree, you don't know why. It could be medical, it could be mental, it could just be that they don't like kids. It really doesn't matter why. Respect their choice. Stop telling them that they will "never know what real love is" or "they could never understand the joy of children" or any junk like that. Childfree people know what real love is and they feel real joy. Kids don't have to be involved in that.

Sorry for the rant. This is something that really bothers me.

 

[DeniseJH]

No regrets, regardless of how it came about. It wasn't right for me and I always knew it.

Well, I guess I shouldn't say "no regrets".. I sometimes wish I had been the type of person that would be good with kids. I never was.

 

[CarolAnn856]

Everyone that young?! I had my first at 29 (an oops), and I was definitely one of the first out of a large circle of friends to have a baby. It would be very hard to have a child at 24 here, hard to make friends, since most don’t even get married until 30.

We have a similar story. Had our first (though not a surprise) when we were 28, after 4 years of marriage. Of all of our close friends, they are the oldest by a few years. We have one in college and one in high school who is looking at colleges, while our friends' kids range in age from 1st grade to middle school. The timing was right for us, and I have to admit that was fun getting to sit back and relax at get-togethers while our friends were still chasing toddlers, lol.

 

[SmallWorld71]

If you don't mind me asking, what do you think of being a younger mother? I would think doing it young would be easier to interact with the kids as they get older, because you'll still be young enough to do activities with them.
But waiting until you're older MIGHT mean better financial stability and maturity.

What's your experience?

I am not the poster you quoted, but my mother had me when she was 19 and my sister at 31 (with 2 in between). She would tell you younger is better. She said she had more energy and was a better mother. Everyone is different, though.
Personally, I was 27 when my son was born and thought it was the perfect age.
And remember, little kids don't care about money, they care about being loved. I am not talking about meeting basic needs such as food and shelter, but the extras like lavish trips and such.

 

[SmallWorld71]

We did. Plenty. He said it wasn't a dealbreaker for him. He always saw himself with kids, but not having them he was okay with. We have been happily married for several years now.
Just would be interested in wondering what other people's motive for the CF nonCF lifestyle is.
Never said we went blindly into anything.

I wish you well!
Sadly, things didn't work out for one of my best friends. She had been vocal about not wanting kids since I met her freshman year of college. She married her college boyfriend who wanted kids but said he was okay with not having them. Fast forward 10 years and turns out it wasn't enough. He cheated on her and then married the other woman who already had a five year old daughter. Then they had a son together as well. My friend was crushed and many years later has not been able to handle any type of long term relationship.

 

[dosekies]

Everyone that young?! I had my first at 29 (an oops), and I was definitely one of the first out of a large circle of friends to have a baby. It would be very hard to have a child at 24 here, hard to make friends, since most don’t even get married until 30.

Yep, some even younger! There are so many people I graduated high school with who are announcing pregnancies or already have at least 1 (some multiple!) kid. Even multiple people who graduated with my younger brother (who was a freshman when I was a senior) are having kids and I just don't understand how half of them could afford it!

 

[luvsJack]

I am not the poster you quoted, but my mother had me when she was 19 and my sister at 31 (with 2 in between). She would tell you younger is better. She said she had more energy and was a better mother. Everyone is different, though.
Personally, I was 26 when my son was born and thought it was the perfect age.
And remember, little kids don't care about money, they care about being loved. I am not talking about meeting basic needs such as food and shelter, but the extras like lavish trips and such.

I am about the opposite of your mom. Had oldest at 18 and youngest at 34. Only one in between and had him at 21. Its very different at the different ages though. I love my sons and wasn’t a bad mom at a young age but when dd came along I was much more confident in my parenting abilities and didn’t feel like I needed or had to listen to anyone’s “ advise”. I made a pact with myself when I was pregnant that I would enjoy each stage of her life. And that’s what I have done.

A younger mom has more energy. An older mom is wiser.

 

[sk!mom]

I think it is because many assume people that do not have children do so in order to be self absorbed with their own things. Anyway, I have heard more than once how it must be nice to have extra time, extra money, be able to travel, go to the gym etc. I think it is sometimes a projection of their feelings about things they may not do as much of because of kids.

I agree that it is not selfish and it is good for people to make choices and do what works for them.

All the time. I have gotten to the point where I have stopped laughing it off or being polite. I will flat out tell people how rude those comments are. When a person says they are childfree, you don't know why. It could be medical, it could be mental, it could just be that they don't like kids. It really doesn't matter why. Respect their choice. Stop telling them that they will "never know what real love is" or "they could never understand the joy of children" or any junk like that. Childfree people know what real love is and they feel real joy. Kids don't have to be involved in that.

Sorry for the rant. This is something that really bothers me.

I do not understand why people have to be so rude on this subject by questioning another's choice or possibly not a choice but rather a circumstance. I agree with Lily that they really don't deserve a polite response. For the past few years I find that a long pause followed by, "Wow! Why would you say something like that?" works well when someone is crossing what should be a boundary.

I wish you well!
Sadly, things didn't work out for one of my best friends. She had been vocal about not wanting kids since I met her freshman year of college. She married her college boyfriend who wanted kids but said he was okay with not having them. Fast forward 10 years and turns out it wasn't enough. He cheated on her and then married the other woman who already had a five year old daughter. Then they had a son together as well. My friend was crushed and many years later has not been able to handle any type of long term relationship.

I know you’re looking for other child free comments. I just wanted to say that there is no other life experience like being pregnant, giving birth, and raising a child. It completely changes your perspective on life.

We ended up only having one child which in some ways is nice. We still have some discretionary income and we can spoil her a bit.

Good luck with your decision!

Even on a thread asking about being child free, we have those who feel the need to let them know just how much they are missing out on and even offer a horror story of how the decision could wreck your life- you may even end up old and loveless.... Wow! Why would you say something like that!?

OP- I have 2 children born 11 years apart because after the first, I was seriously unsure that I could handle another and I loved my life. My oldest is 33 and doesn't think that he ever wants children and I wholeheartedly support his choice to live his life as he chooses. My DD is only 21 so she's years from really even considering kids. I hope she waits, has fun, and then finally decides what is best for her adult self.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

As far as the age thing goes I will give you a little perspective from my parents.

A little background:
My mother had me when she was 15. She has never been a mother in any sense. Age has very little to do with her short comings as a parent IMO. The man who I call my father adopted me when he married my mother (she was 17 and he was 19). He has been a proper parent to me my entire life until he passed away a little over a year ago. It was VERY CLEAR that my bio-mom never wanted me. It was VERY CLEAR that my father did (even if I wasn't "his").

My father raised me as single dad until I was 12 and he married my stepmother. While they weren't all that strict, they stayed on top of me. I never got away with anything, had to earn everything yadda yadda yadda...
Fast forward to my little brother, who was born when I was 19. I don't know if I wore them out of WHAT but it's like they gave up. He is rarely disciplined and very spoiled. Maybe they had more energy when they were younger and that's a factor in their (well her since my dad died) parenting of him verses me, maybe that's a common occurrence between older and younger siblings... IDK.

 

[SmallWorld71]

I do not understand why people have to be so rude on this subject by questioning other's choice or possibly not a choice but rather a circumstance. I agree with Lily that they really don't deserve a polite response. For the past few years I find that a long pause followed by, "Wow! Why would you say something like that?" works well when someone is crossing what should be a boundary.






Even on a thread asking about being child free, we have those who feel the need to let them know just how much they are missing out on and even offer a horror story of how the decision could wreck your life- you may even end up old and loveless.... Wow! Why would you say something like that!?

OP- I have 2 children born 11 years apart because after the first, I was seriously unsure that I could handle another and I loved my life. My oldest is 33 and doesn't think that he ever wants children and I wholeheartedly support his choice to live his life as he chooses. My DD is only 21 so she's years from really even considering kids. I hope she waits, has fun, and then finally decides what is best for her adult self.

That was certainly not my intent, though rereading it I guess it could come across that way. I have just heard so many times from my friend, ‘If only I had known things could have turned out this way... Why did nobody say something to me...’ Perhaps if she and her husband had continued to discuss their situation well into their marriage instead of just in the beginning stages, things would have turned out differently.

She has never regretted her decision not to have children.

OP, I meant no ill will and really do wish you all the best!

 

[mjkacmom]

As far as the age thing goes I will give you a little perspective from my parents.

A little background:
My mother had me when she was 15. She has never been a mother in any sense. Age has very little to do with her short comings as a parent IMO. The man who I call my father adopted me when he married my mother (she was 17 and he was 19). He has been a proper parent to me my entire life until he passed away a little over a year ago. It was VERY CLEAR that my bio-mom never wanted me. It was VERY CLEAR that my father did (even if I wasn't "his").

My father raised me as single dad until I was 12 and he married my stepmother. While they weren't all that strict, they stayed on top of me. I never got away with anything, had to earn everything yadda yadda yadda...
Fast forward to my little brother, who was born when I was 19. I don't know if I wore them out of WHAT but it's like they gave up. He is rarely disciplined and very spoiled. Maybe they had more energy when they were younger and that's a factor in their (well her since my dad died) parenting of him verses me, maybe that's a common occurrence between older and younger siblings... IDK.

Why did she keep you? I currently have 15 year olds, I’d never allow them to raise a child at this age, I don’t even trust them with the dog for long periods of time.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Why did she keep you? I currently have 15 year olds, I’d never allow them to raise a child at this age, I don’t even trust them with the dog for long periods of time.

Hahahahah!!!!!!
I know that this is a serious conversation.... And I don't mean to be 'flip'.
But, this cracked me up!!!!!
I do tend to agree.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Why did she keep you? I currently have 15 year olds, I’d never allow them to raise a child at this age, I don’t even trust them with the dog for long periods of time.

IDK... She was encouraged to give me up for adoption but didn't. I honestly think a lot of the time I made a cool accessory.

 

[disney212]

I was a young mom, married at 18 had my son at 20 and daughter at 21, husband was 3 years older and we were high school sweethears. My youngest turns 29 on Monday and my oldest turned 30 last month, I am 50 Turning 51 later this year . I was ready but unfortunately dh was not but did not realize it until a few years later and we divorced when the kids were in elementary school. New, well newer,DH had never been married and no kids so I was very reluctant to date him. Our first date was filled with me saying no more kids. I come from a family where having kids is not an expectation, half of us have kids, half dont. DH comes from a family who pressure to have kids. We will celebrate 19 years of married life this year. Unfortunately his Mom has never forgiven me and to this day refuses to acknowledge the kids he has raised. If it matters both my kids have advanced degrees, speak multiple languages, successful careers, so being a young mom isnt always the horror story it is made out to be. My advice is to stand your ground but to know you can only do what is right for both of you. My MIL still doesnt speak to mr and DH is estranged from his family.

 

[PollyannaMom]

IDK... She was encouraged to give me up for adoption but didn't. I honestly think a lot of the time I made a cool accessory.

I am so sorry you were treated that way.

But I can tell from other posts that you turned into the kind of mom you deserved, rather than the one you had.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I am so sorry you were treated that way.

But I can tell from other posts that you turned into the kind of mom you deserved, rather than the one you had.

Thank you. My stepmom is the woman I call "mom" and she is has been an amazing mother and grandmother. I'm very thankful for her.

 

[LSUmiss]

I think it is because many assume people that do not have children do so in order to be self absorbed with their own things. Anyway, I have heard more than once how it must be nice to have extra time, extra money, be able to travel, go to the gym etc. I think it is sometimes a projection of their feelings about things they may not do as much of because of kids.

I agree that it is not selfish and it is good for people to make choices and do what works for them.

I agree b/c I had DS later than all my friends had kids & there seemed to be a downright jealousy that I had more time & $ than they do, but that was their choice.