Choosing to be Child Free. What are your reasons/changed minds?

[Squirlz]

Just never got around to it. Wasn't in the proper relationship until I was 49.

 

[sonnyjane]

I have never wanted children. DH has. I was just wondering fellow CF people, what are your reasons? I think I'm too selfish.
But i have several people who chose to be CF until late 30s and changed their minds, so wondering if you did want the CF life, but changed your mind, why did you?

Selfish. Enjoy my sleep, time, and money. Don’t like children. Pretty easy. I’m 34. Have never had a desire.

 

[Marchand63]

To be fair, it depends on when they were married. DH & I started dating at 19 & 20. We hardly had anything figured out then. He always saw himself with kids mostly b/c it was the thing that ppl do. I was always unsure b/c I never have cared what most “ppl do” & I never really liked kids. In the end, our decision worked out for us, but it’s not always as black & white.

Well I was 21, so age is not a reason not to have an actual discussion I know it's not black & white. If you are old enough to vote, drive, buy a house be old enough to have a discussion.

We have friends who are childless by choice but they talked about it.

 

[LSUmiss]

Well I was 21, so age is not a reason not to have an actual discussion I know it's not black & white. If you are old enough to vote, drive, buy a house be old enough to have a discussion.

We have friends who are childless by choice but they talked about it.

Some ppl (I would say most now) don’t have everything figured out by that age. We were both still in college & much closer to still being kids than we were adults. I’m not even close to the same person now as I was then.

 

[ravenclawtrekkie]

I'm in my early 30s and have never wanted kids for a variety of reasons:
- I have a number of health issues that I wouldn't want to risk passing on, and pregnancy would be complicated and dangerous.
- I like my alone time and control over my life too much to prioritize a child in the way they'd deserve. (This is also why I tend not to be in long-term relationships.)
- I'm not financially secure and don't expect to be anytime soon, and if I ever manage to be, I'd rather do things I want than deal with the needs of someone else.
- I just plain don't like most kids most of the time. I'm fine with talking to kids at work, and I like my nephew when my family comes to visit for one week a year, but having to deal with kids of my own 24-7 would make me an unhappy person.

Basically, I'm self-aware enough to know I wouldn't be a good parent, and don't want to inflict that on a kid. If that's selfish, I'll take that label.

 

[dosekies]

I'm still young (mid twenties) and am on the fence about having children. When I was younger I always saw myself as a mother, but that changed as I got older. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I don't have a lot of patience. can get very angry at times, and feel like we will never be able to afford kids. I worry about everything. All of this makes me feel like I wouldn't be a good mom anytime soon. If it was up to my fiancé though, we would be trying to have a kid right now. He has crazyyyy baby fever and I know it would break his heart if I ever came to the definite decision that I didn't want kids.

 

[Christine]

Well I was 21, so age is not a reason not to have an actual discussion I know it's not black & white. If you are old enough to vote, drive, buy a house be old enough to have a discussion.

We have friends who are childless by choice but they talked about it.

I got married very young. Wasn't even a discussion. Yes, we were immature.

 

[Skippy918]

Dh and I were in the met young and got married young camp, but then waited till we were 30 before trying. I was on the fence for the longest time and would have been happy either way. I have 2 kids now and it’s much harder than I thought it was going to be but it’s also rewarding sometimes. At times, I do miss our child free days, but on the other hand it’s pretty cool sharing our experiences with the kids.

 

[Skippy918]

I do have several friends who are child free by choice and I think it’s great that they recognized that they didn’t want kids despite all the outside pressures from their families. Choosing not to have kids is not selfish in my opinion.

 

[MamaBelle4]

I am 31 with 5 children.

I just wanted to say not having kids because you like your life the way it is IS NOT SELFISH. If you don't have maternal or paternal yearnings, there is nothing inherently wrong or selfish in that. You do you. If not having kids makes you happy and content, there is nothing, I repeat NOTHING wrong with that. I hate it when people judge and question other's life choices.

 

[MamaBelle4]

If it was up to my fiancé though, we would be trying to have a kid right now. He has crazyyyy baby fever and I know it would break his heart if I ever came to the definite decision that I didn't want kids

I don't want to gang up on you but I hope you two discuss this thoroughly before you get married. My cousin wanted kids and assumed her husband would change his mind over time. When he didn't, it led to a huge, messy divorce. Not being on the same page over something so huge could be hard in the future.

I don't mean to interfere or interject where not wanted, but thought I'd put my two cents in.

 

[TheRealTeal]

I'm about to turn 30, so people love to tell me i'll change my mind "when i'm older" still. I just don't see that happening. I've never had ANY desire to be a mother. Not one inkling of want. And now that my friends are starting to have kids, i'm even more sure. I see the struggles they have and am just thankful to not have to deal with it all the time. Plus, Dh is older and has also never wanted kids. We like our life how it is, and are excited for how it may change in the future, but we are both very sure we don't want it to change in that way.

 

[bethwc101]

I know you’re looking for other child free comments. I just wanted to say that there is no other life experience like being pregnant, giving birth, and raising a child. It completely changes your perspective on life.

We ended up only having one child which in some ways is nice. We still have some discretionary income and we can spoil her a bit.

Good luck with your decision!

That might be a big thing with me. Pregnant people freak me out. Something growing inside you . EEK!
Also I can take blood, gore, severed arms, but anytime anyone goes into labor in tv or movie, or siblings and I hear the screams. Boom! I black out. Always have been that way since I was a teenager. People said I would grow out of it as an adult.
NOPE.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I don’t think it’s selfish, parenthood just isn’t for everybody. I kind of got the idea I wanted children about the time I was 30. It never happened....which the way my marriages crashed and burned that is a good thing we didn’t have children. Now I am 46 and I will be gaining 2 stepchildren. I feel more mature now, and believe that they enrich my life. I support all of their activities, I attend the parent-teacher conferences, I am as involved as I can possibly be in their lives. I know that I am not a replacement for their mother, but I try to be the best stepmom I can be.

 

[bethwc101]

Umm don't you think you should have discussed this before marrying?!?!? Maybe it is just me but we discussed kids, money, living arrangements - where & what. Why go just go blindly into marriage.

We did. Plenty. He said it wasn't a dealbreaker for him. He always saw himself with kids, but not having them he was okay with. We have been happily married for several years now.
Just would be interested in wondering what other people's motive for the CF nonCF lifestyle is.
Never said we went blindly into anything.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think that people can choose to be child-free for selfish reasons, and can also have a child(ren) for selfish reasons!
I would maybe do some soul searching about one's own personal reasons.
If it is selfishness... hey, okay... own that. That might be okay. But, if it is other valid factors... then they should all be considered.

I think this can be something that is really a part of a person, inside.

I had ALWAYS known that I wanted to have a child(ren) and become a mother.
Never any hesitation, whatsoever.

What I would caution is that if one is on-the-fence and maybe not wanting or ready to have children out of 'fear'.
Well, it is usually never good to make decisions out of fear.
Make decisions out of love!!!!
Whichever the decision happens to be.

 

[bethwc101]

It is such an incredibly personal decision. You will feel pressure to have kids if you are in a relationship and anywhere in the twenty to thirty five age range. I think everyone has moments where they wonder "what if." If you have kids, you sometimes long for those days of freedom when you could do what you wanted when you wanted, sleep late etc. If you don't have kids, you may wonder what life would be like with kids, what kind of parent you would be etc.

DH and I were totally on the fence about kids. We were okay either way. We were scared to death to take that plunge. To me, there was no "out." If you buy a house and you don't like it, you move. If your marriage does not work, you get divorced. If hate your job, you can apply for a new one. But with kids, there is no "givesies backsies"

We finally took the leap even though we were scared, unsure and terrified. And I wouldn't change a thing. Best thing we ever did.

That's one thing for me. I like to "try things out"

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Well I was 21, so age is not a reason not to have an actual discussion I know it's not black & white. If you are old enough to vote, drive, buy a house be old enough to have a discussion.

We have friends who are childless by choice but they talked about it.

Yep. Dh and I decided to have a child when he was 25 and I was 20 (emphasis on ONE ). We definitely talked about it at length before taking the leap.

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That said, I didn't always want kids. I met the man who is now my DH and changed my mind. It was something that we wanted to do together. If I could do it again, I might have waited a few more years, especially concerning our financials at the time, but I don't regret it at all and the hard times make us much more appreciative of what we've accomplished and have now.

 

[bethwc101]

I am child free. I made that decision at 15 and am now 36 so I am not going to change my mind.

How often did you get the "you'll change your mind when you get older."
I still get it. Or the, "you will change your mind when you have them."

 

[bethwc101]

Yep. Dh and I decided to have a child when he was 25 and I was 20 (emphasis on ONE ). We definitely talked about it at length before taking the leap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That said, I didn't always want kids. I met the man who is now my DH and changed my mind. It was something that we wanted to do together. If I could do it again, I might have waited a few more years, especially concerning our financials at the time, but I don't regret it at all and the hard times make us much more appreciative of what we've accomplished and have now.

If you don't mind me asking, what do you think of being a younger mother? I would think doing it young would be easier to interact with the kids as they get older, because you'll still be young enough to do activities with them.
But waiting until you're older MIGHT mean better financial stability and maturity.

What's your experience?