Only child is socially independent - good or bad?

[Be Enchanted]

I'm not sure if this is just her personality or perhaps because she's an only child. Parents of only children (or if you are an only child): Would you say your child is more independent than their peers? I don't mean independent as in self-care or raising themselves. I'm referring to social independence, like not being afraid to do their own thing or not follow the crowd even as a young child.

I have noticed this for years but now that she's in 3rd grade I'm noticing it even more. For example, I have noticed that my DD won't always follow the group and do what they are doing. If she doesn't want to go the gym and play dodge ball, she won't go. She'll stay back and play legos or something, even if the other girls her age are doing something else. She just simply doesn't seem to care that she's excluding herself.

My first reaction is feeling sad because I don't want her to be left out. But this seems to be on her terms...she's the one opting out voluntarily, I think. I am a very anxious person, so I have questioned her about this 10 different ways to try to dig and figure out if she's secretly sad or lonely. But she'll just say "I don't want to play that. I wanted to do xyz instead". Or she'll say "I didn't know what they were talking about so I just walked away". She seems to almost purposely step aside and let groups of girls form. I just can't wrap my head around it because as an adult, my mind jumps to all the negative consequences (excluding yourself, not having friends, etc).

 

[LSUmiss]

I'm not sure if this is just her personality or perhaps because she's an only child. Parents of only children (or if you are an only child): Would you say your child is more independent than their peers? I don't mean independent as in self-care or raising themselves. I'm referring to social independence, like not being afraid to do their own thing or not follow the crowd even as a young child.

I have noticed this for years but now that she's in 3rd grade I'm noticing it even more. For example, I have noticed that my DD won't always follow the group and do what they are doing. If she doesn't want to go the gym and play dodge ball, she won't go. She'll stay back and play legos or something, even if the other girls her age are doing something else. She just simply doesn't seem to care that she's excluding herself.

My first reaction is feeling sad because I don't want her to be left out. But this seems to be on her terms...she's the one opting out voluntarily, I think. I am a very anxious person, so I have questioned her about this 10 different ways to try to dig and figure out if she's secretly sad or lonely. But she'll just say "I don't want to play that. I wanted to do xyz instead". Or she'll say "I didn't know what they were talking about so I just walked away". She seems to almost purposely step aside and let groups of girls form. I just can't wrap my head around it because as an adult, my mind jumps to all the negative consequences (excluding yourself, not having friends, etc).

I don’t think that has anything to do with being an only child. I have known many only children & some are just the opposite...follow the crowd to a fault. I’ve also seen children who have siblings still be this way socially. Does she seem more concerned with objects or toys rather than with being with other ppl? Like is it just kids she doesn’t prefer to hang out with or is it anyone? Not to alarm you, but I’m a child clinical therapist & we ask that question as one of the many red flags of posssibly being on the autism spectrum.

 

[kdonnel]

I’ve got two kids, totally opposite.

My daughter has to always be with a group, always. It has certainly caused problems.

My son never wants to hang with others but always has a good time when it happens.

Both are happy and doing well in life.

 

[Skellingtonj]

If she’s happy, then I’d let it be. I know it’s hard, I ask my kids a million and one questions a day. It could really go either way. 3rd grade is a tough age.

 

[Poohforyou]

My 18 year old only child college freshman has always been socially independent. She likes being with friends but will rarely do something with them that she doesn't want to.

That makes it more challenging for her to make friends but she isn't willing to change.

She's happy and confident and knows exactly what she wants. I do still have to encourage her to step outside her comfort zone and she does.

As long as your daughter is happy with herself that's what matters.

 

[PollyannaMom]

My only child is a bit like that, but I see it as a strength. - He's not going to blindly follow the crowd in a drinking situation or other activity where he doesn't feel safe.

I don't necessarily think it's because he is an only, though, as I was the same way. I was simply just as happy doing my own thing as when I was playing with friends.

 

[anniemae]

I think you are reading too much into it. She is doing what makes her happy. Kids have different personalities regardless of if they are an only child, or one of six. Some are shy, some are outgoing, some follow the crowd, others don't. She seems like they type that will have a few good friends, vs. a ton of friends. and that is okay. Is she able to form friendships?

 

[firefly_ris]

I'm an only child. I have really never felt compelled to follow a crowd or do certain things, or like certain things, to fit in. Sometimes this was a detriment (I was also small, and generally quiet so I was bullied a lot through elementary and middle school years). However it also kept me out of a lot of trouble. It also kept me interested in things *I* wanted to pursue instead of what everyone else was doing -- as such I did a lot of creative writing, did writing workshops, built my own computers, and taught myself to do front-end coding -- which is what I ended up doing for a living. Sometimes I did get left out of things, but they were things I didn't want to do, so who cares? I had a core, small group of friends and I never felt like I needed or wanted more than that.

Now I have 3 children who are all wildly different. My oldest daughter is the most like me, BUT their family structure is different -- they have a ton of cousins all in their age ranges, plus siblings, so my daughter has a lot of my independent tendencies but can cope in a crowd better than I can and I think it's because I didn't have that family structure growing up (my only 1st cousin is 16 years older than me). My youngest is a social butterfly and I never know what to do with her, LOL.

I wouldn't stress at this point unless it seems to be affecting her in a negative way.

 

[loves to dive]

I think if she's happy doing what she is doing, don't worry about it. I'm the youngest of 6 but the only girl. I spent many hours alone in my room because it was just too crowded where my brother's were. I had friends and make friends easily but am also very independent to a fault. I'm not a follower, I prefer to make my own decisions and don't give a flying fish what other's think or do. I'm comfortable in crowds and if something looks fun I'll do it but don't need to do it just because everyone else does. I actually crave alone time and often go on solo vacations, always have.

 

[piperdown]

I have an only child. My daughter is now 20 and in college. With regards to her personality, she was definitely not as you put it socially independent. She had a perfectionist streak where she would identify the best individual traits/strengths of her peers and think she was deficient because she didn’t have ALL of those same traits/strengths. She was very concerned with what others thought of her. She was very much like me. We worked on this for years as it tends to be her default way of thinking. Since leaving for college, I’ve seen tremendous personal growth and she’s much more self-confident. She’s better at recognizing her triggers and is developing coping mechanisms.

As far as what you’re describing with your daughter, please understand I come from a place of kindness and as a mother who has the benefit of hindsight. As much as you try to shield your daughter from your own issues (anxiety, mine was depression), she will be affected. You said you’ve “questioned her about this 10 different ways”. That degree of questioning, however positive you present it, could signal to her that you think something is wrong with her. She could start to question herself and I don’t think that’s what you are intending.

It was very hard for me to stand back when I saw my daughter struggling socially just as I had as a child. Sometimes I interpreted behaviors incorrectly because they were similar to behaviors I exhibited as a child and I assumed the reasons for the behavior were similar too. You said you can’t wrap your head around it and I think that is a definite signal that you need to back off. Trust what she’s telling you, else you’re going to cause her to doubt herself. Even if she is excluding herself and does not have many friends, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It may just be who she is and that she’s content with it.

 

[eeyoreandtink]

Yes, my only child is very socially independent, and honestly I am very happy about that. She SHOULDN'T follow the group if she doesn't want to. I WANT her to be her own person and not blindly try to follow the group just to fit in/ be popular. I want her to find worth in her own interests, and not have her identity tied to her place in a group. As a teen, it's a really good thing. She is much less likely to going along with a group doing something stupid/ dangerous just to fit in. I would definitely let her do what SHE wants to do, rather than giving her the impression that she needs to go along with/ be part of the group or there is something wrong/bad.

 

[CookieandOatmeal]

I have a sibling that is close to my age and I'm just like your daughter who marches to her own beat. If I don't want to do something, I'm not going to do it just because the crowd is. It will be fine. I have friends who understand that is just who I am and appreciates that about me.

 

[GreatLakes]

I think it only becomes a concern if all your child does is play independently. There is nothing wrong with doing it when the group is doing something you don't feel like doing but if any child completely removes themselves from their peers at all times I think that is a problem. There is a difference between being independent and socially isolated. The later is not good IMO.

I think it is also important for only children (and that is what I have) to be put into situations where they learn to play with others they don't necessarily want to. It teaches important skills that are needed in life. I had brothers to learn those skills from, my son will have to learn it from other relatives and friends. There are advantages and disadvantages of having and being an only child.

 

[iivye]

I have an only child. She is 14 now and has always been socially independent. I think the independence comes from her having to make friends wherever she goes (summer camp, vacations etc) since she has no siblings to play with and that in turn makes it easier for her to have friends that come and go.

Sometime she would mention someone having a sleepover and she wasn't invited and I would ask if it upset her and she said "no" that she understands that a person can't invite everyone and sometimes she will be invited and sometimes not. She also doesn't have a core group of friends that she always hangs out with. She rotates between different social groups and people but is friends with most of the people in her class.

I had the same worries as you when she was younger about her being left out or not having a best friends but my daughter is happy so I let it go. I do worry less about her high school years because I feel like she will be more resistant to peer pressure.

 

[DLgal]

There is nothing wrong with being independent or more of an introvert.

However, part of your post stood out as a red flag and it's the part where she said "I didn't know what they were talking about so I just walked away." In an 8 year old, this is not developmentally typical behavior.

Autism is very underdiagnosed in girls and I would start looking into that as a possibility. At this age, kids are forming social groups and this is precisely what autistic kids struggle with. Wanting to engage in solitary activities because she doesn't have the skills to navigatte social group dynamics is something that should be looked into further.

You mention she has always been this way but it is becoming more noticeable (more of a problem?) now. Lacking a desire for social interaction at a young age shouldn't be passed off as a personality thing until other avenues are explored.

 

[Disneylovingmomof2]

Hmmm...I can’t say I necessarily agree with what others have said here. While I do believe it’s important for children to learn to think for themselves and understand consequences of their actions, I think that without a peer group to expose them to different things it will be harder for kids to understand how to function socially. My first grade daughter is one who loves her friends, she always wants to be part of the group, but I do have conversations with her about thinking things through and making good decisions. I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback from other adults regarding her behavior. But without exposure to a group of friends, how will kids ever learn these things on their own? There’s evidence that children with strong friendships fare better through middle and high school. While I’m not saying I don’t think it’s good for kids to be independent and pursue their own interests I don’t think this necessarily means they have to isolate themselves. My daughter has no interest in traditional sports and never wants to play on our town teams even though her friends do, but she wants to do dance and gymnastics. I think if she wanted to participate in activities only bc her friends were, not necessarily because she enjoyed them, then I may be concerned about her not learning to be independent. There’s a balance and I do think that it’s normal and natural for kids to want to have a friend group, so if they don’t I’d be wondering what’s going on.
Children these days worry me, they spend less time outside, playing and with friends. These are important parts of childhood development. I see more and more parents being ok with their kids just sitting inside playing video games/computer, saying if they’re happy then let them be. Of course they seem happy- they have constant tech stimulation! It worries me to think about this group of children joining the work force or even being in college.
I think it’s great you’re identifying this behavior in your daughter, though. Perhaps talk to your pediatrician or seek out some play therapy to see if you can get some insight? Does your daughter participate in any group activities like Girl Scouts, Sunday school, dance or sports?

 

[Christine]

Only child here. It's just her personality. When I was young, like her, I was a more follow the crowd type. When I got older (and now) I just do what I want. But I don't think that's an only child trait. Sometimes, though, needing alone (quiet) time *can* be an only child trait. I was never used to being around a lot of noise/kids all the time like people who had a lot of siblings did. If I was around all that for any amount of time (such as at my after-school sitter who had 4 rambunctious kids) I would need to go off by myself for a while.

 

[clutter]

I have an only child. My daughter is now 20 and in college. With regards to her personality, she was definitely not as you put it socially independent. She had a perfectionist streak where she would identify the best individual traits/strengths of her peers and think she was deficient because she didn’t have ALL of those same traits/strengths. She was very concerned with what others thought of her.

My dd, an only to a solo parent, was a combination of both of these girls. And throw in purposeful to boot. It made for some VERY tough high school years. However, she did have a passion, and while it was a tough one to find outlets for, we muddled through. (With lots of professional help, unfortunately.)

That said, now that she's in college (and out of the dorms), pursuing her dreams all the tough years were worthwhile. I'm not saying this to put a negative spin on things for you - quite the contrary. My point is more to mention to let her try out and pursue her interests, not to pre-judge what you think she 'should' be doing. Be her safety person. Asking her if she's happy gives her a message that you think something may be different/wrong with her. You should be able to tell if she's happy or not, and if not following others seems to be something that is just not in her nature. So help her find her own path, even if its a little bit less worn.

 

[NotUrsula]

Is it just girl groups she walks away from, or mixed groups, too? If one and not the other, it could just be the activities themselves that she doesn't care for. When I was a kid, typical 'girl" play tended to bore me stiff. I had lots of dolls, but I never pretended they were real; all I wanted to do was make clothes for them. (I was always up for any kind of play that involved making or building things; still am.) I also didn't like being told HOW I had to play, and in girl groups it seems like there is always some girl who decides that you all have to spend 20 minutes laying out complicated rules before you can have any fun. Not my thing. The boys tended to be childish and kind of annoying, but were a lot more spontaneous and never bossy, so I spent more time playing with them, and as I grew older, most of my friends were male. I still have more male friends than female.

FWIW, I'm not an only child, but I am the youngest by quite a wide margin. My next-oldest sibling left home when I was 6. My mother was ill for a lot of my early childhood, so I was much closer to my dad.

 

[bellebud]

I used to volunteer every day at lunch and recess at my kids school when they were in pre-K to 4th grade, so I've seen a lot of social stuff for that age group. I don't think it has anything to do with being an only. I've seen many kids do this, only's and with siblings, (small school, pretty much knew the makeup of all the families). If she's happy and ok playing alone, I'd say leave it alone. Does she have someone she considers a 'friend'? Whether it's at school or elsewhere?