Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[zima-cheryl]

Happy Monday Everybody! Okay, so not so much "happy" but we're into another week and heading for a new weekend!

How were your weekends?

Oh how I hate Mondays...

We did have an awesome weekend - it was the end of my birthday week!
Yup - a whole week this year! Next year I've already warned DH that turning 40 requires a birthday month!
Of course I learn to day that WDW is giving free admission if you are there on your birthday in 2009!
http://disneyparks.disney.go.com/disneyparks/en_US/minisites/freeOnYourBirthday/index

On Saturday I treated myself to a manicure & pedicure! DH took me to a wonderful Italian restaurant in the N. end of Boston for supper & then we went to see Cirque's "Kooza". Great Show! It was a perfect day!

Having such a great weekend makes dragging my fanny back into the office just that much harder! Come on Powerball!

 

[maddhatir]

Oh how I hate Mondays...

We did have an awesome weekend - it was the end of my birthday week!
Yup - a whole week this year! Next year I've already warned DH that turning 40 requires a birthday month!
Of course I learn to day that WDW is giving free admission if you are there on your birthday in 2009!
http://disneyparks.disney.go.com/disneyparks/en_US/minisites/freeOnYourBirthday/index

On Saturday I treated myself to a manicure & pedicure! DH took me to a wonderful Italian restaurant in the N. end of Boston for supper & then we went to see Cirque's "Kooza". Great Show! It was a perfect day!

Having such a great weekend makes dragging my fanny back into the office just that much harder! Come on Powerball!

Happy Belated Birthday!!!​

 

[TKDisneylover]

Tammy do you have the large Halloween shops near you? They are usually Spirit or Halloween Adventure? The Spirit shop had A LOT to choose from the day after last year! Maybe you will be in luck. Actually I do think I remember some fog machines but did not go for them!

I love Williamsburg- I have been there once before (well, in addition to my other life ) and can't wait to go back!

We have Halloween Express (which are seasonal), and then Bartz's Party Stores that have the large assortment of Halloween supplies. Then all of the craft stores get in on the action too. I did see a fog machine at Wal-mart in the past but DH was afraid of the quality.

Williamsburg will be like coming back home!

 

[TKDisneylover]

Just checking in with ya'll and notice we have hit page 250!
Nothing is new. DH sees the Dr tomorrow so I'll gove you all the update on our other thread. I've been busy as hell getting things ready to go and running a gajillion errands.
I had to have the oil changed and when they started the SUV the stereo was screaming out a little Dimmu. These were all younger guys and they were in shock that I was playing black metal One of them said "OMG how can you hear?" I informed him that I had actually turned it down when I pulled in!
Hope you're all doing well. back to housework and cooking dinner! Oh BTW I had my hair done Friday. It's now a lovely deep plum color all over. It kinda looks dark brown but when I'm in the light you can see the color. I ditched the idea of going for the streaks and had the whole head done. I love it! She also cut off about 2 inches but it still goes down to my waist. Guess I could spare that much, eh?

Hey Mayhem! Glad to finally hear from you! Well wishes are headed your way for DH. How is that knee you twisted doing, hopefully no residual pain? Your hair color sounds very pretty, I love that plum color. I had some copper color highlights added at my last cut. I think I may have more added before our trip. It's perfect for fall! When do you leave for WDW, this Saturday?

 

[TKDisneylover]

Oh how I hate Mondays...

We did have an awesome weekend - it was the end of my birthday week!
Yup - a whole week this year! Next year I've already warned DH that turning 40 requires a birthday month!
Of course I learn to day that WDW is giving free admission if you are there on your birthday in 2009!
http://disneyparks.disney.go.com/disneyparks/en_US/minisites/freeOnYourBirthday/index

On Saturday I treated myself to a manicure & pedicure! DH took me to a wonderful Italian restaurant in the N. end of Boston for supper & then we went to see Cirque's "Kooza". Great Show! It was a perfect day!

Having such a great weekend makes dragging my fanny back into the office just that much harder! Come on Powerball!

(belated)

Sounds like you had a great birthday! I have not gotten pedicure in such a long time. I used to have them everytime I would go on a trip, but since I "have" to live in tennis shoes now I don't even bother. However we were going to spend more time hanging by the pool this trip (if weather permits) so maybe I will have one this time around.........

I honestly hate Monday's, if I did not have to use all of my vacation time, I would just work Tues-Fri. My co-worker and I tried to convince the supervisors that it would be good to have us available after 4:30 when social workers bring their clients in for family meetings. We would take turns working 10 hours days so that we could take Monday or Friday, unfortunately they did not agree.

I think I need to start buying those Powerball tickets....

 

[Disney Dreams]

Hi All!

Sort of going through a hard time right now and thought maybe a few people on this thread might be able to bring a little smile to me - not easy atm.

Please don't flame me for posting on this thread, I truly am reaching out for support.

DH and I are in our late 30s. We have always wanted children. They were part of "the plan." We initially said that we wanted to wait 5 years. You know, travel, be "us," do our own thing together, etc.... Well... 5 became 6 became 7 became 8. About 2 years ago, we decided we were ready. We hadn't broken our adorable little doxie boy yet (LOL), so... let's think about kids.

Well, we had a few health issues that we were working on and resolved. Next month is our 10 year annivsary (wow! already??) and we just (yesterday) found out for a variety of reasons, the odds of me being able to get pg are very small.

I am just so very sad. I have cried and cried and am just numb to the world around me atm. We have a wonderful trip to WDW planned for our 10 year anniversary and I am SOOOO excited about our "2 big kids at WDW" trip, it is the only light in my world atm. DH has told me not to be sad, reminding me that we have a great life together and that the 3 of us (me, DH, and DPup) can have lots of fun together without kids.

To me, there have always been kids in the future. There seems to be this void at the thought of no kids. Yes, almost all of our friends are parents. Yes, we both love kids. Yes, we can't stand the screaming, temper tantrum kids at Disneyland or anywhere else. ("Those will never be MY kids." )

So I guess what I am asking those of you here is... Do you feel a void in your lives? Do you not get sad at the thought of never being a grandparent? How did you know you never wanted kids? Help me find the joy in the possibility of no children. Thanks in advance for any genuine replies.

- Dreams

P.S. As I type this, I can hear the neighbor's kids giggling as they play out front and I have tears in my eyes thinking that giggle may never be from one of mine. Do none of you ever feel that? Thanks again.

 

[Barthy73]

No voids here at all! We both wanted kids when we got married but decided independently it wasn't for us. We've got a spoiled rotten dog who doesn't mind being caged all day and won't want a driver's license or want go to go prom. She'll never have a serious boyfriend, and she'll never get knocked up. She even told us she'll likely never be married, so no wedding costs either!

When we see rotten, screaming kids, we always remind each other that we need to send Dr. Rice, my urologist who gave me the snip, a Christmas card!

 

[maddhatir]

I am sorry- I cannot offer any advice either

I have absolutely zero void! It is all happiness inside of me and DH, no room for anythng else.

I thought I saw a thread somewhere about couples who want kids but cannot have them? I am sorry, but I am unsure where it was on the Dis that I saw it.

 

[Shyvioletisme]

no void here either. Just don't feel anything missing.

So , I know that I completely can't understand how you feel, but wanted to offer a suggestion...if it is not out of place...
since you and your DH obviously have a lot of love to offer a child, have you considered adoption? There are many wonderful children in need of homes in this country who would love to be placed in a family like yours with lots of love to give. Then if you ever did become pregnant it would just be an extra good thing...

 

[zima-cheryl]

Disney Dreams - you have my sympathy.
I can't relate exactly, but I know what it is to want something & not be able to have it. Only advice I can share is to allow yourself time to grieve that loss. Over time it will get better.

Along w/the suggestion of adoption - have you looked at fostering? Several of my nieces & nephews were originally foster children placed w/my brother. And many years later they are now ours!

No void here... I really never felt a burning desire for kids. They just don't appeal to me. I'd be miserable if we had children.
Of course we are soooo busy there isn't room to think about it often.

Barthy - I like that idea! Think we will have to send a card along to Dr. Case who made things permanant for us! That is a good idea. And I bet she would love it... how often do you think they really ever get that type of feedback?

 

[PoohNTuck]

double post

 

[PoohNTuck]

Dreams,

Just wanted to let you know that I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes I want a child. The want doesn't seem to last more than a few days but sometimes I do in fact want one. I always point out cute kids when we're out too. Can't help it, I love em. I sometimes fantasize about what it would be like to have a clean, well-mannered blonde hair blue eyed mini me outfitted in a little ralph lauren cable knit and cords playing in the leaves this fall. Yup, I do and I'm not afraid to admit here cause guess what, this group, albeit a lot different from me in many ways-- they don't judge me for my differences. We have one common bond- we are adults and we aren't having kids. And we share that. And they understand me. And this is where I come when I need to be reminded that there are lots of good things about choosing this path. It is a choice. You can adopt. You can go through a billion rounds of fertility this that and the other thing. Or you can make the decision to enjoy the benefits of a childfree lifestyle, even if it wasn't in your original plans. We can't have it all, but we can be happy with what we have. That's an important point.


You're welcome here if you need this group. Don't let the fangs and absinthe-laden heavy metal discussions freak you out

On the other hand, I always groan and sigh when annoying children abound. They're more prevalent than the cute ones where I live (that may be the case everywhere from reading many online forums). DH and I work with children and enjoy spending time with them so we do that in our jobs. You could volunteer with a youth organization, babysit for family or friends, or get a job that involves children if you'd like a daily fix too. That really is plenty for me and I realize that I'm a better person for making the decision to limit my time with kids to those 40 hrs/week. Plus, as a bonus, I'm paid and honored for my care of children (many moms don't get that!)!

You see, I realize that my work of bathing/feeding/rocking/holding and loving are all paid hours. Being up in the middle of the night, when I've already had my 8 hrs of sleep, is a completely different feeling than getting up for work after no sleep all night because I was up with a sick child. Making breakfast for someone when I feel nauseous is not on my agenda. MANY of my coworkers suffer from lack of sleep. IT's debilitating. They're unhappy and overtired and can only dream of the international vacations DH and I enjoy each year. They don't have sex with their husbands. They don't read books for pleasure. They don't make choices about their lives anymore. They MUST do things. They coach teams, they work full-time, they are stuck... they couldn't make another choice if they wanted to.

Maybe my needs weren't met appropriately as a kid. DH's parents sucked a lot, and I know his needs weren't met. DH enjoys a stocked cupboard and playing his video games after work. He's a simple man in many respects. We enjoy financial security and free time in a stress-free and peaceful environment because we didn't have that growing up. We also enjoy travelling, splurging on little treats, going out to restaurants, cracking a bottle of wine now and again, and enjoying our own personal enrichment activities (reading, hobbies, rest when we need it). It's a choice we've made and I respect the choices other people have made when it comes to have children and honor their sacrifices. Frankly, I don't know how (or why) they do it. Most of the time when I ask how they say "You have to. You just do it. I don't know how I've functioned on less than 5 hrs of sleep the past 5 years... I just do it."

I'm sorry about your recent loss but I hope you can find the opportunity in all of this and make the best choices for you and DH ahead. Any loss comes with a period of grief and redefining who you are and what you want. Congratulations on 10 years together. You guys are awesome!!!

Here's to the next 10 years and a new chapter of your life together...

PoohnTuck

 

[PoohNTuck]

Hey all
DH and I have been enjoying our time off from classes together quite a bit and we've taken these long unexplained absences to reexamine life and I appreciate that you guys are still here keeping on keepin' on

Cheryl happy belated. a cirque show- that may be on the agenda for my bday next year. how wonderful!!!

HELP ME PICK A NEW CITY!!!!!!!
DH and I are considering our next life move. I talked to you a bit ago about not really finding like minded friends here. Now, don't get too excited- it's still a few years away but at least we've given it a tentative date since I last mentioned it and that date is fall 2012. We don't know where we'll go. We just plan to wrap up what we need to do here in the next 3-4 years and research where we ought to go next during this time. If you'd like to make a case for your city (or urge us to avoid it) anytime in the next 3 years please feel free to step forward

I've already gone into research mode to look at weather patterns (no snow please), crime rates (safety first) and taxes (you want me to pay for WHAT???!!). We're down to about 30 states... we still have some whittling (is that spelled correctly) left to do! What else should we consider to factor into our happy living plan????

I don't even know how we're going to do the final city choice... in a perfect world we'd take 3-5 weeklong trips to cities and communities researching life there. Meet people. Try the local restaurants and coffee shops. Check out local real estate and apt complexes. Meet the people. Check out local dog parks. Check out the work opportunities/interview. Just try to get a sincere feel for the place beyond the major tourist sites and shops. But I suspect each of those trips would cost approx $1500-2000/week (more if plane fares continue to rise!) considering the cost of airfare, a cheap but clean hotel and meals, as well as a rental car and gas (only way to get around most of these places efficiently and really dig in for research purposes). Maybe I'll only get 1 job offer and we'll go there. I suspect, if nothing changes, that I'll have multiple job offers and there will be much to consider as the time draws near.

Thoughts, suggestions...for a) narrowing down the list of possible places without eliminating too much (we'd like to save the severe narrowing it down for 3 years from now when we have both the new crime statistics and job availability/salary v cost of living comparison) and b) choosing 1 of five or ten finalist cities???

Hope all are doing well...
PoohnTuck

 

[TKDisneylover]

Dreams,

Sorry to hear that your original plans are not going as hoped, but like others have asked, have your considered adoption or foster parenting? I have a good friend who became a foster parent after many years of trying to get pg and the docs saying it will never happen. She & her DH are very happy with 2 beautiful boys they were foster parents for an then adopted. And I have another friend who adopted one child from China and are very happy with their decision to go that route.

DH & I knew before getting married that we did not want children, no void here, and definitely no sad thoughts about not being grandparents. We are very happy sharing each others company and enjoy the peace and quiet of our home with our DDog. We come and go as we please, take trips whenever it works with "our" schedule, and especially enjoy WDW as big kids. Our money is ours, no worries about college tuition. I have to say we enjoy each others company so much that children would have gotten in the way of that.

I know too many people who have children and are unhappy, they envy us for our decision not to have kids. One does not sleep in the same bedroom as her spouse, another has taken back a spouse who had an affair because she doesn't want to be a single parent, and another who wanted lots & lots of kids ended up with four, one who is autistic, the DH bolted after 6 years, and flew to Vegas with his new girlfriend. I don't mean to make you sad with this stuff, but it's what happens and when DH & I see all of that happening it just makes us that much more happier to be just us.

I wish you well in your future, and if you ever want to stop in and chat please stop by. As a previous poster mentioned we are all friendly and open minded to chat. Have a happy anniversary and enjoy your vacation at WDW!

 

[maddhatir]

HELP ME PICK A NEW CITY!!!!!!!
DH and I are considering our next life move. I talked to you a bit ago about not really finding like minded friends here. Now, don't get too excited- it's still a few years away but at least we've given it a tentative date since I last mentioned it and that date is fall 2012. We don't know where we'll go. We just plan to wrap up what we need to do here in the next 3-4 years and research where we ought to go next during this time. If you'd like to make a case for your city (or urge us to avoid it) anytime in the next 3 years please feel free to step forward


PoohnTuck

PnT- First- where is it that you live? You sound just like DH and I- we want to be out of NJ in about 6 years. I will tell you NOT to come to NJ! The property taxes and auto insurance alone will KILL you! One plus, you do not have to pump your own gas!

I was going to add- not that anyone would WANT to move to NJ, however, it seems like our area continues to grow and there are so many new developments going up- someone must be making the pilgrimage here! I cannot tell you the last time I seen a small house being built!? Who do people need these large houses I will never know!? DH and I say all the time- if you are going to spend 600 grand on real estate, why not build a house big enough to suit your needs and use the rest of the $$ for all of the land around you Oh well, I guess not only are we child-free we also have different priorities than most of the people in this country. We do not need to be concerned with schools or being in a neighborhood so that our kids have someone to play with.

Anyway- I am hoping to move somewhere in VA. However, MD, NC and MAYBE the northern part of SC would be an option for us. We would like to stay on the East coast.

I messed around with this site: Your Top Spots You have to take the quiz.

I also use City Data for stats.

My head spins when I look at all of this. I want a VERY small town, of course, low crime, and we want to buy about 10 acres so we are secluded. I love the Charlottesville VA area- it is beautiful, however, DH does not want to be too far from water for his boat. I would prefer a nice quiet lake in the middle of nowhere.

So what sites have you used- I would like to add them to my list!

 

[Barthy73]

MAYBE the northern part of SC would be an option for us.

We moved to the Upstate (Greenville/Spartanburg) are of South Carolina a little over six years ago and absolutely LOVE it here. We're 2 hours from Atlanta, less than 2 hours from Charlotte. One hour to the mountains, and 3 hours to the beach. It's a perfect location, and housing costs are still quite reasonable.

If anyone ever makes their way this way for a visit, we'd be happy to show you around or offer any advice we're able to share.

 

[maddhatir]

We moved to the Upstate (Greenville/Spartanburg) are of South Carolina a little over six years ago and absolutely LOVE it here. We're 2 hours from Atlanta, less than 2 hours from Charlotte. One hour to the mountains, and 3 hours to the beach. It's a perfect location, and housing costs are still quite reasonable.

If anyone ever makes their way this way for a visit, we'd be happy to show you around or offer any advice we're able to share.

DH would die if he heard 3 hours from the beach!

 

[Barthy73]

3 Hours from beach = No Hurricanes

3 Hours from beach = still easy drive, and no hurricanes.

 

[maddhatir]

3 Hours from beach = No Hurricanes

3 Hours from beach = still easy drive, and no hurricanes.

ugh- I forgot about how many hurricanes you people get down there!!

Maybe I will nix the thought of NC, or even the idea of the southern part of VA Even though we are 40 minutes from the ocean right now, our area does not get the nasty storms you do down South!

 

[TKDisneylover]

Hey all
DH and I have been enjoying our time off from classes together quite a bit and we've taken these long unexplained absences to reexamine life and I appreciate that you guys are still here keeping on keepin' on

Cheryl happy belated. a cirque show- that may be on the agenda for my bday next year. how wonderful!!!

HELP ME PICK A NEW CITY!!!!!!!
DH and I are considering our next life move. I talked to you a bit ago about not really finding like minded friends here. Now, don't get too excited- it's still a few years away but at least we've given it a tentative date since I last mentioned it and that date is fall 2012. We don't know where we'll go. We just plan to wrap up what we need to do here in the next 3-4 years and research where we ought to go next during this time. If you'd like to make a case for your city (or urge us to avoid it) anytime in the next 3 years please feel free to step forward

I've already gone into research mode to look at weather patterns (no snow please), crime rates (safety first) and taxes (you want me to pay for WHAT???!!). We're down to about 30 states... we still have some whittling (is that spelled correctly) left to do! What else should we consider to factor into our happy living plan????

I don't even know how we're going to do the final city choice... in a perfect world we'd take 3-5 weeklong trips to cities and communities researching life there. Meet people. Try the local restaurants and coffee shops. Check out local real estate and apt complexes. Meet the people. Check out local dog parks. Check out the work opportunities/interview. Just try to get a sincere feel for the place beyond the major tourist sites and shops. But I suspect each of those trips would cost approx $1500-2000/week (more if plane fares continue to rise!) considering the cost of airfare, a cheap but clean hotel and meals, as well as a rental car and gas (only way to get around most of these places efficiently and really dig in for research purposes). Maybe I'll only get 1 job offer and we'll go there. I suspect, if nothing changes, that I'll have multiple job offers and there will be much to consider as the time draws near.

Thoughts, suggestions...for a) narrowing down the list of possible places without eliminating too much (we'd like to save the severe narrowing it down for 3 years from now when we have both the new crime statistics and job availability/salary v cost of living comparison) and b) choosing 1 of five or ten finalist cities???

Hope all are doing well...
PoohnTuck

PNT,

Wish I could help you with this one, but like Madd, DH & I are planning to move within the next 10 years ourselves. We have always said we would retire down in the Gulf, that would be Gulf Shores/Orange Beach, Alabama to be specific. And yes, this is a big hurricane spot, but we were planning to purchase a condo (top floor where the storm surge, water damage, sand, etc. cannot reach), with the Phoenix Properties (a prime condo builder that are always "the" first to be back up and running after any storm event, they have their own construction company). We have seen how the condos are built and that they are built to sustain in hurricane winds & the first couple floors that do get damaged are typically the underground parking, pool & fitness areas & offices. Alot of times the first floor of condos can be damaged but they are made for easy clean-up and repair. So in other words we feel very confident about moving to this destination. And since we have family in Wisconsin, we can always come back temporarily until things are back up and running.

Good luck in your search to find a new destination!