Choosing to be Child Free. What are your reasons/changed minds?

[starrzone]

His doctor asked him if he was sure because, "what if you get divorced?" My DH responded, "Well I'll still have two kids so...."

Seriosuly, though...it's not like the kids are going to poof and disappear if he gets divorced!

 

[SpookyJ]

I'm an only child too so my kids are my parents only grandkids. If you asked me at 18 if I wanted kids, it would have been a no. If you asked me at 28, it was much more of a yes. I guess all you can do is support whatever she decides.

And that is the most important part, support either way. I had to sit down with my mom and explain that it was a lot of pressure and kind of hurtful to keep telling me to change my mind, or to think about it, etc etc etc. I completely understand the desire to be a grandparent and I feel bad, but it's not fair to pressure your kids into that decision if it's not what they want. Like, I know the only reason she had me was NOT just so she could be a grandmother one day, but it sure started to feel like it.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

And that is the most important part, support either way. I had to sit down with my mom and explain that it was a lot of pressure and kind of hurtful to keep telling me to change my mind, or to think about it, etc etc etc. I completely understand the desire to be a grandparent and I feel bad, but it's not fair to pressure your kids into that decision if it's not what they want. Like, I know the only reason she had me was NOT just so she could be a grandmother one day, but it sure started to feel like it.

My parents have never said a word about my failure to produce grandkids, but someone did make a dig at me, along the lines of “your poor mum, you’re selfish to deny her the joy of grandkids”, and my reply was that if my parents had been so desperate to have grandkids then they should have had more than one child. If it was so important then they shouldn’t have put all their eggs in one basket, so to speak.

 

[skyblue17]

I am the opposite of some in this thread, I thought when I was younger that I would want kids, but as I grew older, I realized I didn't. Part of it is life circumstance, I am happily single and live in a city where apartment living doesn't necessarily mean space for children (I also am not super into raising "city kids" but that's another subject). There has never been a point in my life that I had to actually say "yes I do want to have kids" or "no, I do not," but I am often grateful for the fact that I am not the type to get baby fever or feel left out because I don't have kids. A good number of my friends also are childless (and a few are not), so we have a good balance. I enjoy other people's children. I also enjoy that I get to decide when I have had enough of them!

I'm at the far end of my biological window for changing my mind, but that doesn't really bother me. If I decide later that I want to have a child in my life, fostering is an option I am interested in. I especially like this partially because I don't need to decide for sure by a certain time if I want to do it or not. And I certainly don't have to right now!

Anyway, I find that this can be an interesting topic because society and cultural norms tell us that we are supposed to want children. Not everyone does, and that is okay!

 

[Cubbiecakes]

Seriosuly, though...it's not like the kids are going to poof and disappear if he gets divorced!

I have a family member in social work, and you'd be surprised how many divorces result in one parent basically ditching their kids...

 

[Victoria3]

I've had no interest in having children every since I was a teenager. I'm 27 now and still no desire.

 

[Owlpost23]

I'm off "in the summer." It's actually between 4-5 weeks. While my twins were preschool age, I would keep them enrolled in daycare over the summer because there was no help in tuition-we had to pay either way. We did generally do our vacation week during that time.
My "me" time included a trip to the dentist, a trip to the eye doctor, pap smear, cleaning the house, etc. I also used that time to spend with my older son who wasn't in daycare.
In other words, don't judge that it is all "selfish" me time.

With some of these parents,it IS selfish me time.They admit as much.Don't judge either.

 

[Ladyandthepuppies]

It took having a baby that I wanted all my life for me to understand how completely valid it is to not want children. Being a parent is HARD!!! I love my two kids more than anyone and anything I've ever loved... but there's not a whole lot that I like about being a parent. I don't like sleepless nights or spending all my $ on them or always taking care of myself second. But I do love them an insane amount even when I don't like being a parent. If you are aware enough to recognize that being a parent isn't for you, I think that's wonderful- because it's a tough enough job when you want it, I can't imagine being on the fence about having a child and then having to deal with the "joys" of parenting. (Although- there is real, sincere joy for me in being a parent, too.)

 

[spacemountainmom]

Major pet peeve of mine. Why do other people think it is their business to ask personal questions about your life? Even worse to tell you that your choice is wrong or you will change your mind.

DH and I have 2 kids. Both were planned, but I did have a miscarriage prior to our second child. I will say that being a parent is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. However, I have to agree with a PP that is also very hard. I love my kids and the adults they’ve become.

My oldest and dearest friend is childless. It was a decision made when she and her husband got married. I know she’s had moments of regret and I believe he has as well. I think it’s natural to wonder what might have been. They get their kid fixes with his sister’s kids, his best friend’s kids and my kids.

She has told me countless stories of people getting on their case about their choice and I’m always amazed that people think that is okay. She became very good at replying with “and how is it your concern?”

Do what works for you.

 

[North of Mouse]

I am not the poster you quoted, but my mother had me when she was 19 and my sister at 31 (with 2 in between). She would tell you younger is better. She said she had more energy and was a better mother. Everyone is different, though.
Personally, I was 27 when my son was born and thought it was the perfect age.
And remember, little kids don't care about money, they care about being loved. I am not talking about meeting basic needs such as food and shelter, but the extras like lavish trips and such.

Can relate to the 'younger is better' for me, anyway. Dh & I had our first child when we were 21/22 respectively, and our 2nd three years later. Loved all the energy we all had. Knew I wanted to have children when an older sibling made me a Aunt at 11.

Was a SAHM and never minded the night time interruptions at all. Loved being a mother. Medical issues hindered getting pregnant again until 12 years later. We were ecstatic when our ds was born, as were our two older ones.

I was 36 and definitely got tired quicker, but we never had regrets. Have 4 grands now!

Have been 'young' empty nesters for several years now and are loving traveling, etc.

 

[SpookyJ]

It took having a baby that I wanted all my life for me to understand how completely valid it is to not want children. Being a parent is HARD!!! I love my two kids more than anyone and anything I've ever loved... but there's not a whole lot that I like about being a parent. I don't like sleepless nights or spending all my $ on them or always taking care of myself second. But I do love them an insane amount even when I don't like being a parent. If you are aware enough to recognize that being a parent isn't for you, I think that's wonderful- because it's a tough enough job when you want it, I can't imagine being on the fence about having a child and then having to deal with the "joys" of parenting. (Although- there is real, sincere joy for me in being a parent, too.)

This is so real. As an out and open childfree by choice person, I have actually had a lot of mom friends confide in me because they knew I would not judge them (lord knows women can be really hard on eachoher, especially in those mommy groups.) Telling me how horrible they felt because sometimes they regretted having kids. That they love their child, but were tired and miserable most of the time. That they felt ashamed because their parenting experience wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's heartbreaking... I think parenting IS really hard, and those feelings are much more common than people admit. Our society does a huge disservice to parents by viewing it all through rose colored glasses and making people feel like they're monsters if they admit it's a lot of work and not always enjoyable. Especially with social media, people only see the upsides and perfect moments and then feel like failures when their experience is not all like that.

 

[Sabeking]

I got married at 29 and I told my then fiancé that I had no interest at all in having kids. I was a school teacher and loved children but truly felt that this world was just too crazy to bring children into it. I didn’t think I could parent through certain heartache I saw. My fiancé said he was fine either way. Once married I totally changed. I think it became kind of a natural step and I really wanted to share that experience with my DH. We have two, now teenagers and quite honestly if I could of I think I would of had many more! My faith life really grew and I think that is what gave me the confidence to bring children into this world. I’m glad I did change my mind!

 

[Skippy918]

It took having a baby that I wanted all my life for me to understand how completely valid it is to not want children. Being a parent is HARD!!! I love my two kids more than anyone and anything I've ever loved... but there's not a whole lot that I like about being a parent. I don't like sleepless nights or spending all my $ on them or always taking care of myself second. But I do love them an insane amount even when I don't like being a parent. If you are aware enough to recognize that being a parent isn't for you, I think that's wonderful- because it's a tough enough job when you want it, I can't imagine being on the fence about having a child and then having to deal with the "joys" of parenting. (Although- there is real, sincere joy for me in being a parent, too.)

You stated this so well. I feel the same way. I didn’t know how hard it was going to be and how exhausting, both mentally and physically it was going to be. No one really tells you the real dirt on parenting. So when new parents ask me for advice or they ask the “hey, it gets easier when they get older, right?” I’m honest with them. Some things might be easier, but other things are more challenging. There’s different challenges with each year and each kid has their own personality which require different styles of parenting.

 

[sk!mom]

With some of these parents,it IS selfish me time.They admit as much.Don't judge either.

I guess the difference is in how you define selfish. In my view, if these children are cared for and their parents are paying for good care then it isn't selfish to take some time for yourself. My mom has always done in home childcare so I've long heard your argument and I get it...as the care giver you would like some easy days where you are paid to watch fewer children. However, since I'm paying regardless, it made no sense for me to leave my DD with people she didn't know at the gym childcare so that I could work out. My DD hated riding in the car seat and the grocery store so, again, why drag her along when I had a sitter already paid. But then sure, why not meet a friend and see a movie once a week or meet my DH for lunch. I was considering her- she loved her sitter and her friends there. She stayed probably 10 hours a week max in the summer but that was valuable time for me and I was paying a lot for it.

I could have given the spot up every summer, saved the money, and then enrolled her wherever I could find a spot each fall but I considered my DD too much to even entertain that idea of "selfishly" hanging on to my cash.

self·ish
ˈselfiSH/
adjective

1. (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Some things might be easier, but other things are more challenging.

So true! The joys and challenges both change as they grow. I think some ages have been a better fit for my personality than others, but I don't think any age is universally easier.

 

[PollyannaMom]

She stayed probably 10 hours a week max in the summer but that was valuable time for me and I was paying a lot for it.

I've been reading this argument back and forth, and kept out of it up until now. But I hate to see people's feelings hurt unnecessarily, and I really think it's based on a misunderstanding. - The folks appalled at parents leaving their kids in day care are thinking that they're there all day every day, and the ones saying they're using what they paid for are really only using a fraction of the time.

Obviously, if you have a lot of free time and never spend any with your kid, people (the child included) are going to think you just don't want to be with them! But I really don't think that's what people do. I think most use it like the poster I quoted - so they can run errands, do things efficiently, and most importantly, keep their child connected to their caregivers and friends (which, as an educator, I will say really does help with the transition in the fall).

There is a happy medium here.

 

[princesspiglet]

I have an only child and right now she says she wants to have 3 children. She's almost 16. I keep telling her how much work they are but she is adamant. I honestly don't care if she has any kids at all and I don't care if I get any grand kids! I am sure they are a joy, but DH and I plan on traveling as much as possible when she is out of the house and it may be "selfish", but I'm not giving up any of my time to babysit grandkids!

 

[bethwc101]

I guess I feel as though I have too short of a temper to be a good parent. My step-father had a terrible temper growing up. Smashing chairs, throwing plates, etc. and I would not want to expose any of that to kids. My temper is not nearly as bad as his, but it's not great. I have 2 puppies that get on my last nerve since DH and I both work full time, and then coming home and having to clean up whatever mess they created that day.
I fear 2 or 3 years in to being a parent, I would regret it and want to "return" the kid. Which sounds bad, but I realize it ahead of time which is why I feel child-free is the best choice for me.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think that kids do take a TON of patience!

I am remembering the huge study, a few years ago, where SO MANY parents said that if they could do everything all over again, that they would not, or might, not become parents... That they do have regrets. So, there are those out there.

I am one who said that I had ALWAYS wanted to be a mother.
prayed for many years to be blessed with our son.
And, even I can say that it has not all been positive.

In the end, one never knows if it will work out positively and easily, or, not so much.
Some kids might be easy.... little angels full of hugs and wet sloppy kisses...
Some, maybe not.
Most, I think, are both, depending on the moment!!!

 

[AppleDumpling]

I fear 2 or 3 years in to being a parent, I would regret it and want to "return" the kid. Which sounds bad, but I realize it ahead of time which is why I feel child-free is the best choice for me.

In your case OP, then IMO, you are not ready to be a parent. And maybe your feelings will change someday, or maybe not. I don’t think it’s bad that you are being honest with yourself.

For me, there was never a question that I wanted to be a mom. However, I realize that not everyone is suited for parenthood.

Unfortunately, people can be so judgmental about things that are none of their business. IMO, you need to be true to yourself, and shouldn’t be pressured or made to feel guilty about how you choose to live your life.