dealing with family that won't stop gifting...

[Eastern]

I just give money. Everyone seems to love it.

In the early years, we were the only ones with kids, so we got tons of stuff. After the first few years, I requested "less stuff". I suggested money for college or savings bonds. It worked somewhat, but for many years, I just donated to the thrift store on a regular basis. No one ever asked what happened to x.

 

[disneymagicgirl]

We have this issue too. We have asked to stop exchanging and they keep sending. We stopped sending. Now we get snide remarks.

 

[unrequited23]

This problem seemed to get worse once we had kids. Our boys are 6 & 3 and the families have just started to get it. We focus on experiences-the trampoline parks, indoor play area, movies, even the dreaded Chuck E Cheese-that the kids love but can get expensive for a family. Or memberships-we currently have one tour local zoo and were gifted one to the natural history museum. Or consumables-art/craft supplies, baking supplies or special snacks-that will be used up and not have to be stored long term. I also hold off on buying pjs and character shirts because both grandmas like to buy clothes.

 

[mousehockey37]

My 14 year old nephew just had a birthday on Sunday. He asked for money. No giftcards, no gifts. He is saving for a gaming PC and wanted money only. I bought him a small gaming storage cube to put stuff in and then money. He opened the gift and thanked me, but when he opened the envelope he gave me a big hug and told me how much more he had left to save. That made his day (it wasn't even alot of money) He is a smart kid and last year for his 13 birthday he did the same thing to save for a drone. He finally got it in August. So don't feel guilty. Give what they really want. Never thought money was a good gift as it seemed unthoughtful to me. But when they have set goals in mind. They are looking forward to it.

That's the problem. The kid wants stuff, but at the same time, the grandmother goes out and gets it all. To the point that the rest of us are basically forced into gift cards. Sure, if they ask for the cards and such, that's one thing, but this isn't that.

 

[scrapquitler]

I keep seeing that they keep gifting....but you don't have to keep taking. You can give it right back. My MIL and my grandmother gave my children several gifts over the years that I was NOT going to have in my house (a drum set was the one that was the most obnoxious). DD opened the drum set at Grandmas on Christmas afternoon, and we conveniently 'forgot' to take it home with us. The drums lived at grandmas house and a few months later, MIL said to me "oh my goodness, those drums are so loud and annoying I had to hide them!" and I just laughed. After that, MIL never gave her a loud obnoxious toy again.

 

[piccolopat]

Experiences (perhaps with them) and consumables are best. Tell them straight on that your space is limited and stuff, while appreciated, may end up at Goodwill. Suggest they contribute to a college fund or a savings account for your kid's first car.

ETA - tell your husband that if he insists on keeping things you no longer need or want, you will pack them up and store them in his closet or car trunk or that he can pay for storage someplace.

 

[motherof5]

I keep seeing that they keep gifting....but you don't have to keep taking. You can give it right back. My MIL and my grandmother gave my children several gifts over the years that I was NOT going to have in my house (a drum set was the one that was the most obnoxious). DD opened the drum set at Grandmas on Christmas afternoon, and we conveniently 'forgot' to take it home with us. The drums lived at grandmas house and a few months later, MIL said to me "oh my goodness, those drums are so loud and annoying I had to hide them!" and I just laughed. After that, MIL never gave her a loud obnoxious toy again.

My sister in law got my daughter a drum set. My husband was so annoyed (but didn't say anything since it was his brother and wife that bought it) I didn't mind since it was what my daughter really wanted. But we made sure to put it in our basement and when she practices the door is closed.

 

[loves to dive]

We stopped gift giving a few years ago for just that reason. We are lucky enough to be that couple that if we want something we just go out and get it, as a consequence, we really are that couple that don't need anything. Neither of our families can really afford to give us gifts so we were getting things we really didn't want and I would have to give them to charity as soon as we got home. So we started telling family we weren't exchanging gifts, we just didn't need anything and we didn't want them wasting money. His parents fought it the first year, giving us money, which was funny because we gave them money so really what was the point. After that we told them enough was enough, if they had to give us something to just give something to charity in our names. We also don't exchange gifts with each other because it just got silly trying to figure out something. A few years later we decided to solve the problem by going away at Christmas and on our birthday's. Problem solved. Now everyone has gotten used to it and it's not problem.

 

[Pesky]

Agree with pps. We had this problem with my parents and I finally realized two things. First, they won't stop giving gifts. It's my mom's love language and she doesn't know how to stop. Second, I can redirect the giving by putting things I want on Amazon wish list. It cuts back on crap I don't want. Finally, your DH needs to acknowledge he either needs to go get an extra job to afford the storage unit you would need for all this crap or he gets on board with politely thanking them for the gift and then promptly donating or selling it. We've been slowly purging stuff and it is amazing the crap I have held on to for that reason only to figure out that the giver will never know what we do with the gifts. Anyone who is offended doesn't understand the concept of a gift -- once you give it, it's not yours to direct the keeping, trashing, selling, or donating of it. And you don't need to make that lack of understanding your problem. BTW, another thing to think about for those "big ticket" gifts like an appliance is to ask for an annual membership to a museum or zoo or season tickets for the symphony or theater. Something that is big but more consumable and doesn't linger in your apartment. FWIW, it took (no kidding) about SEVEN. YEARS. to convince my DH's family not to exchange gifts. For my family, we took one phone call about 8 years ago. My family is way more practical though.

 

[Thing 1]

I ageee that if she asks for suggestions; it shouldn’t be a hunge problem. Give her very detailed list for exactly what you want or need. The exact shirt...size store etc. choose gift cards, experiences, consumables like fruit of the month club. If she gets too many toys, simply hid them immediately after opening them and save them to give your child for birthday, Easter etc.

 

[motherof5]

I can see both sides. One we don't need anything. But many people want to give a gift as being thoughtful and to show respect. At least that is how it is with my family. I too feel like I don't want to be forgotten. For that reason, I told my sister that my godson (her son) Should take me out for a tea/coffee on my birthday or around that time or he could bring a bottle of wine or flowers and come visit me. I told her I didn't want him to spend a lot and don't need a real gift. I just want to be remembered and have him spend time with me (he lives 5 minutes away) My parents instilled that into me and since I was brought up that way I am carrying that to my children. We don't need the gift but spending time with someone is always special. For my kids who are little I ask relatives to take them out whenever they have time. It doesn't have to be immediately. My daughter's godmother took her to McDonalds (she's only 6) a month after her birthday as her summer was busy. I know it would be hard to do exact days.

 

[aprilchem]

Why would you want to? Sell it on eBay and use the money for vacation, home improvements, or something you and hubby want. If its all sitting in closets and there is apparently so much of it that you'll need a bigger house, then he isn't going to know everything that's there. Just sell it via eBay or FaceBook groups. He's not going to miss it and you'll end up with a smile on your face. Everyone wins!

This worked great for me until my MIL realized I was doing it when she figured out what my Ebay seller name is. She then started taking all the packaging for each item directly out of my kids hands as they opened gifts, cutting it up, and throwing it away before I could get to it. So now I just donate most things.

 

[Jen and Ashwin]

This worked great for me until my MIL realized I was doing it when she figured out what my Ebay seller name is. She then started taking all the packaging for each item directly out of my kids hands as they opened gifts, cutting it up, and throwing it away before I could get to it. So now I just donate most things.

WOW.

 

[Pooh2]

I've got to say that this is something I never encountered when my kids were growing up.
Gifts and outings with the grandparents were very rare and much appreciated.

I am a gramma now so on the other side and see how it could get out of hand.
I have a hard time using restraint when passing through the baby section of any store!

After reading this thread, I do think I am going to opt for Disney gift cards for upcoming celebrations unless the parents have a specific request.
Good luck OP!

 

[Eastern]

I've got to say that this is something I never encountered when my kids were growing up.
Gifts and outings with the grandparents were very rare and much appreciated.

It's not about being ungrateful: I felt bad about all of the money people were spending on stuff my kids could not possibly appreciate. It was just wasteful. I would have appreciated a card with $5 for college rather than all of the expensive toys we got that were rarely used. As everyone else had kids, they tried the gift exchanging for the first few years but quickly felt the same way and stopped exchanging gifts in lieu of a big family get together with no gifts.

 

[Superchikk]

You're not alone. My MIL has this insane habit of giving us random things from around her house OR giving us things that we gave her in the first place. My husband used to flip out every time she would come visit. Do we have out all the things she gave us? No, we do not. Because I didn't want her used crap from her house or re-gifted items we gave to her. And that was all before we had kids! He finally realized that it wasn't healthy, nor was it ever actually going to happen that we would keep and display all the stuff she gave us. Most of it ends up getting donated.

Finally with the kids, they've listened. After a few years of getting stuff the kids didn't play with or want, we told them they could either listen to us when we told them what the kids wanted (and we were ok with them having), they could send us cash/check and we would use it to give the kids gifts from them - basically we'd be their personal shoppers (they don't live near us), or they could give the kids what they wanted to get them, but not get upset if the kids had no interest, didn't play with it, and it ended up getting donated or sold within a month. They HATE giving cash or gift cards, so that's how we've had to approach it with them. Now they ask ahead of time when birthdays/Christmas come, and we usually have an Amazon wish list or an idea of something unique they could do for the kids. My MIL sews, so my daughter always appreciates clothes for her AG Dolls. It's a unique gift that doesn't cost her much, but my daughter adores. Win for everyone.

With my family, they usually send cash and I can either purchase something for the kids, or give them cash. My kids LOVE to get cash or gift cards and save up for something they really want. Often, we pool it and get a membership to the zoo or take them to do something special. We're sure to let them know whose gift made it possible to do those things, and they get it. We do the same for my nieces/nephew at Christmas - this year we gave experiences or something they needed. My sister just got a new camper, and my niece & nephew needed a few things to keep in the camper, so at my sister's request, that's what we got them. Now they ask to go play in the camper to use their gifts. Ha!

 

[rkstocke5609]

I’ll throw this out there as a gift idea that I used. I have three nephews. When they were 8 or 9 I got them a tool box. Every Christmas I got them some Craftsman tools and kept track so I wouldn’t repeat over the years. For Graduation from High School they got a 100 piece socket set which was kind of the cherry on top . Graduation also signified the end of my gift giving for each child. Now in college they all have tools to work on their cars or put dorm furniture together. They have a lifelong gift that was perhaps boring in the beginning but they certainly appreciate and see the wisdom of now. And, it made my holiday shopping easier!

 

[Princess Disney Mom]

This is what I do. I donate the items as I get them brand new to a center that provides persons help with housing, items etc. This way someone else gets something brand new. Since people know I love Disney I get a lot of Disney items. While I agree they are so cute I just can't keep everything.

 

[brertoad]

Had the same issues for the better part of 20 years, in laws like to spend a lot on gifting, the stuff they buy us is awful. We asked for Disney Gift cards for a few years, they didn't really do that. We still were spending money on them, it is just ridiculous. There are really no kids in the family, except for 2 step-grandkids-in-law, which is fine to gift for the children, but the 10 adults too...nope. Not anymore anyways. We just stopped buying, we said we aren't buying anyone gifts, please do not buy us anything. For a year they still bought us gifts, then the next year maybe like 1 or 2 small things, this last year I think they gave us a fleece throw blanket each or something, which at least was useful.

All the stuff they gave us that I don't want/need/like that I didn't donate, I started selling on eBay. Same goes for pretty much everything we have lying around that I don't want/need/like. I've been selling it on eBay.

So a couple takeaways from the situation...
We aren't as close anymore, as in, they do not call us much or want to hang out as much. We're okay with that. We still will hang out with them if they want to get together for dinner or whatever.
I don't know what the deal is. We just didn't want to exchange gifts, it's not like we never wanted to see them. We don't go to their Christmas parties.

I don't know what will work for you, but I am 100% happier doing my own thing than doing something I don't want to do.

 

[monarchsfan16]

My mother is an over gifter. Fortunately, much of the stuff she thinks is a great gift, I can easily pass along to the school nurse or psychologist at the high school I work at, and it gets passed along confidentially to students in need. I have switched to gifting her primarily experiences that we do together (tickets to shows, baking classes, MVMCP tickets when we were in Disney for Food and Wine, etc), which she LOVES, so we are slowly making headway, because she's loving the experiences, so she's beginning to respond more to requests for specific gift cards for my husband and me, to allow for experiences. She does respond well to the amazon wish list, and she also responded well to the request for a specific souvenir (wall hanging) from Lake Tahoe, which is where my husband and I went on our honeymoon. But she still goes above and beyond. WAY above and beyond. It's a work in progress, and we're working hard at it (while secretly donating unwanted items), because of the fear of what our house will look like if we have kids.