dealing with family that won't stop gifting...

[mamaofsix]

I come from a family who loves to give gifts - and so do I! Not sure if you've heard of the book "Love Languages," but the act of giving and receiving gifts is, for some people and numerous cultures, a primary way that they experience love. Sounds like a lot of people on this thread do not have gifts as their love language, lol. When this is how you like to show your love, gift cards and cash end up seeming so impersonal. I have felt crushed when I've worked hard to find a special gift from someone and then find out later that they immediately sold it or threw it out. It's a very hurtful thing to be on the receiving end of. However, with six kids I also completely understand that there comes a time where you don't need more toys, trinkets or dishware!

Our strategy is to ask for consumables when they are looking for suggestions.

For the kids, we often ask for:
-Bath products (bubble bath, fun tooth paste, battery powered toothebrushes, kid-friendly shampoo / conditioner)
-Treat packs for school lunches that we don't normally get them
-Colouring books / puzzle books and crayons or markers

For us, we suggest:
Favouriite snacks (my husband loves flavoured popcorn or cashews - I love chocolate!)
A great magazine, combined with a yearly subscription for it.
High end bath products, perfume or makeup that I might not normally splurge on.

This way the giver still gets to give a physical gift, but the receiver isn't bogged down by extra "stuff." Because the gift will likely be consumed and gone within a matter of weeks

 

[ReneeA]

I come from a family who loves to give gifts - and so do I! Not sure if you've heard of the book "Love Languages," but the act of giving and receiving gifts is, for some people and numerous cultures, a primary way that they experience love. Sounds like a lot of people on this thread do not have gifts as their love language, lol. When this is how you like to show your love, gift cards and cash end up seeming so impersonal. I have felt crushed when I've worked hard to find a special gift from someone and then find out later that they immediately sold it or threw it out. It's a very hurtful thing to be on the receiving end of. However, with six kids I also completely understand that there comes a time where you don't need more toys, trinkets or dishware!

Our strategy is to ask for consumables when they are looking for suggestions.

For the kids, we often ask for:
-Bath products (bubble bath, fun tooth paste, battery powered toothebrushes, kid-friendly shampoo / conditioner)
-Treat packs for school lunches that we don't normally get them
-Colouring books / puzzle books and crayons or markers

For us, we suggest:
Favouriite snacks (my husband loves flavoured popcorn or cashews - I love chocolate!)
A great magazine, combined with a yearly subscription for it.
High end bath products, perfume or makeup that I might not normally splurge on.

This way the giver still gets to give a physical gift, but the receiver isn't bogged down by extra "stuff." Because the gift will likely be consumed and gone within a matter of weeks

I really like the "Love Languages" books...but I always thought it was read to try to interpret the languages of those around you and make them happy than to service your own needs.

I hate gifts. I don't want them bought for me, and I don't want to buy them for someone else. It makes me feel panicky and inadequate just the thought of having to pick it something for someone they might not want or to graciously accept a gift I don't like it need (and we need nothing in my family).

If you love me, you'll know my love language is acts of service and you'll come over and wash my car.

 

[TwoMisfits]

What is a little sad to read in so many posts is "it's my way or the highway", sometimes from both sides.

The love languages stuff is very useful to know...I've also read the book, and I've used it to know how to give and receive love. Sometimes, you are gonna have a close relative that is all about "love through gifts", and while they do need to understand you, you do need to let them send some of the love they have the way they best know to show it. It's compromise. Knowing how to direct this love is the most useful thing you can ever do for the relationship - let it come in a way that makes both of you happy (or at least, neither of you unhappy).

I mean, love is built on actions...as much from one side as another. Family ties are great, blood is thicker than water, yada, yada...but ultimately, you build and maintain relationships by continually acting for the good of the other (without unduly sacrificing the good of yourself - this is also key - you can sacrifice a little, but don't be a martyr...

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

The idea of “love languages” is an interesting one - I have read the book and it’s fair to say that I’m not someone whose love language is gifts.

I would not have a problem with someone giving me a gift that they have thought about and bought specifically for me. However, in my experience, gift-giving is generally an obligation at certain times of year, and I don’t see any “love language” being expressed in exchanging DVDs that were asked for or picked from a pre-approved list.

I suspect that, like much of social interaction, opinions are generally informed by how things work within each person’s family and social circle. In my family, we all asked for what we wanted, and that is what we were given. It was a very impersonal transaction and I really can’t see how anyone could have got any emotional benefit from it. If the norm in my family was to shop for gifts without any direction from the recipient then I can definitely see how the idea of love languages can come into play.

 

[fifthdimensiondweller]

My step daughter has been doing Amazon lists for her kids for Christmas.

This was going to be my suggestion as it is what we do! My husband and I started this tradition when we were dating in college and had very little money for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. We realized that if we only could afford a $10 gift for an occasion that we wanted to make sure that $10 was spent on something we were 100% sure the other person would want. So we made lists of things at all different price ranges. Then we set a budget and shopped off of them when special events rolled around. It was perfect because we'd be surprised still, since we didn't know what item they'd purchased off the list (the lists usually had at least 20 items on them so that we had choices) but at the same time we were definitely going to get something we wanted or needed. Plus, when someone shops off the list the item typically automatically comes off, similar to a wedding or baby registry, so it reduces duplicate gifting.

When I mentioned to my mom that we did this, she was thrilled and asked for the links to our lists for her own use. She said she was much happier spending money on things we for sure wanted than trying to guess.

Our DS is just a baby now but we already made one for him. We use it primarily for ourselves right now, as a way to remember gift ideas we see for his Easter basket, birthday, etc. but when people ask what to get him at Christmas and his birthday this year I'm definitely going to refer them to the list. Of course, if they have an idea of their own they don't have to shop off of it, but it helps if they're stumped. Some people hate registries/ wishlists/ etc, but I personally think they're phenomenal. Why in the world would I want to spend my hard earned money on something someone will never use? I might as well throw it in the garbage can!

Also, OP, if you'd rather have gift cards for experiences or whatever, a good thing about the Amazon wishlist is that you can put gift cards on it, so that can be a nice way to nudge people in the right direction!

Another thing you could do is encourage people by example based on the types of gifts you give. So for instance, my cousin's daughter has a birthday in May and I know from our Skype sessions that her girls have plenty of toys! I also know that some of our other relatives just buy and buy and buy for the kids no matter what, so I figured I'd try to do something different. A friend's daughter was doing a magazine fundraiser for school, so I subscribed my cousin's daughter to a preschooler's magazine. It sort of fulfilled multiple needs for me since I supported a friend's fundraiser, got a reasonably priced gift, got something educational, didn't give her something that would clutter up her apartment, and gave a gift that the little one can look forward to all year. my cousin was thrilled when I told her to expect it. She also tends to give very nice and practical gifts, and hopefully she and I will set the tone for the types of gifts others give our kids and give to our other family members as they have kids.

 

[shruley]

I empathize. I have finally realized how much stress "clutter" creates, and how much work it is to get rid of it. Whether it's returning, selling or donating. It all takes time and energy that could be better spent. I also have gotten to that point where I realize we're all just buying things for people who give us something back of equal value, especially for family members who we never see and only know what to get them because they wrote us a list. In general, in our family when people have suggested downsizing giving gifts, it has been pretty well received. I would be honest with your families about your feelings and try to present alternatives. Can you take the money you would spend on gifts and do something together, like everyone going to a Great Wold Lodge, or Amusement Park, or whatever? We have done different variations on gift exchange games, and brought gifts with like a $5 limit. The best was people drew numbers, then could either pick a gift or steal someone else's. People got creative with the $5 and it was a lot of fun. I've read some that do an ornament exchange. Allows for something sentimental and personal, but reasonably priced and minimal clutter. Is there a charity that is close to anyone's heart? I have a daughter with severe heart defect. Ronald McDonald House is very special to us. Cooking a meal at a house, or doing a big donation of toys for the house (or our local children's hospital) would be a gift alternative. If no one wants to go along with your idea, after you've made your intentions clear, then you have to decide. Will you follow through and not buy gifts? Only other thought I have is if you have kids, can you use them for your cause? I don't know their ages, but like, my daughter, probably from age 7 or 8 on would be totally up for telling her grandparents and family, "I don't need any toys. Will you help me raise money/get toys/whatever for the Ronald McDonald House?" Who can say no to that? Or if you can't get out of the gift giving thing, can they say "I don't want toys. But I'd really love if we could all go to the Great Wolf Lodge together (or whatever.) I really love doing things with my family...." Or "I really want a membership to the children's museum/bounce town/zoo whatever is in your area?" Good luck!!

 

[Sagginit]

I come from a family who loves to give gifts - and so do I! Not sure if you've heard of the book "Love Languages," but the act of giving and receiving gifts is, for some people and numerous cultures, a primary way that they experience love. Sounds like a lot of people on this thread do not have gifts as their love language, lol. When this is how you like to show your love, gift cards and cash end up seeming so impersonal. I have felt crushed when I've worked hard to find a special gift from someone and then find out later that they immediately sold it or threw it out. It's a very hurtful thing to be on the receiving end of. However, with six kids I also completely understand that there comes a time where you don't need more toys, trinkets or dishware!

Our strategy is to ask for consumables when they are looking for suggestions.

For the kids, we often ask for:
-Bath products (bubble bath, fun tooth paste, battery powered toothebrushes, kid-friendly shampoo / conditioner)
-Treat packs for school lunches that we don't normally get them
-Colouring books / puzzle books and crayons or markers

For us, we suggest:
Favouriite snacks (my husband loves flavoured popcorn or cashews - I love chocolate!)
A great magazine, combined with a yearly subscription for it.
High end bath products, perfume or makeup that I might not normally splurge on.

This way the giver still gets to give a physical gift, but the receiver isn't bogged down by extra "stuff." Because the gift will likely be consumed and gone within a matter of weeks

I would say on my side of the family gifts are a love language for my mother. The issue is my brother and I have both tried to communicate over the years we just prefer less stuff (we are city dwellers in apartments vs the sprawling suburban house my mother has with lots of storage). If I don't give enough to meet her expectations she becomes hurt, but at the same time she has complained about things she received that she didn't want. I recently found out an expensive gift has just been sitting in her house as she thinks its too much work to use the appliance, so instead she buys the food its for pre-made. Well in that case I would have returned it, got my $100 back, and sent her a giftcard. It's like we are giving gifts for the ceremony but afterwards items aren't even wanted which is why I feel its out of control if that makes sense. We also has an issue last holiday season where at my in-laws gathering we had to stop and gather everyone to hastily exchange gifts as it was 9pm and our little one wanted to go to sleep. I felt like if everyone was so busy having fun without gifts, why did we insist on doing a gift exchange again?

One thing I just realized from reading everyone's responses is for me it is frustrating because it does tie into my values. I honestly do feel like we are middle class and lucky enough to go to the store to buy whatever we need whenever, so setting up these rituals where we must buy each other things and spend money on each other just seems unnecessary.

I think I am going to take a new approach which is focusing more on the emotions behind it with each group to address it. Letting my mother know that we understand its how she shows love, but we still feel the love without things. Letting my in-law side know that we can tell that others value the time spent with each other at the party more than the gifts, so lets just cut back on the gifts. I also still send hand written thank you notes, so I also think I need to be more comfortable that expressing gratitude is gracious enough and that I am free to pass on that pile of stuffed animals growing in our child's room lol.

 

[fifthdimensiondweller]

I’ll throw this out there as a gift idea that I used. I have three nephews. When they were 8 or 9 I got them a tool box. Every Christmas I got them some Craftsman tools and kept track so I wouldn’t repeat over the years. For Graduation from High School they got a 100 piece socket set which was kind of the cherry on top . Graduation also signified the end of my gift giving for each child. Now in college they all have tools to work on their cars or put dorm furniture together. They have a lifelong gift that was perhaps boring in the beginning but they certainly appreciate and see the wisdom of now. And, it made my holiday shopping easier!

That is seriously an AMAZING gift. I might consider doing this for my son and/ or godson. Would have loved something like that when I first moved out on my own.

 

[bluehen]

Is it just me or does anybody else see complaining about gifts as being a bit ungrateful. Telling people what you will accept as a gift says more about you than the gift giver. I have yet to come across someone that gives gifts out of spite. I am a grandfather of two. I love shopping for my grand kids. Am I out of touch? Most certainly. I have made goofs and also bought things my grandchildren cherish. With gift giving as everything.....it is not always about you.

 

[mamaofsix]

Is it just me or does anybody else see complaining about gifts as being a bit ungrateful. Telling people what you will accept as a gift says more about you than the gift giver. I have yet to come across someone that gives gifts out of spite. I am a grandfather of two. I love shopping for my grand kids. Am I out of touch? Most certainly. I have made goofs and also bought things my grandchildren cherish. With gift giving as everything.....it is not always about you.

Such a great perspective and I absolutely agree!

 

[firefly_ris]

We are taught to consume, consume, consume in the United States from a very early age -- it can be hard for many people to overcome and it seems to be intertwined with their emotions and relationships with people. It can be a very hard habit to break, and it can be so tough to bring up because then you might offend the person, or the concept of not buying crap just for the sake of buying it is so outside of the realm of comfort and familiarity for them they can't grasp it.

My life is MUCH happier and less stressful with LESS -- I don't have a need or desire to get a bigger house to cram my excess amount of stuff into -- I don't have a need or desire to "keep up with the Joneses" -- as such I have less cleaning, less visual clutter (it stresses me out), my kids keep themselves MORE occupied with LESS because they are not so overstimulated by so much stuff. I'd rather have more vacations, or relaxing weekends, than more stuff to clean, take care of, or stress about affording the latest car, gadget, home decor trend, whatever. We need to remember we are being marketed to 24/7 in this consumer-driven economy.

It's not about being ungrateful. I'm certainly grateful that someone thinks kindly of me or my children -- but does that mean I need to live with a house crammed full of mountains of stuff that no one is using? And the gift giver basically spent their hard earned money so a bunch of items can pile into a closet? It just makes no sense to me. More stuff does not bring peace or happiness.

My parents love to buy things for my kids, which is great -- but what they could really use instead of a 10,000th My Little Pony that gets thrown in a bin and looked at once every 6 months is money deposited into a college fund, or tickets for them to take the kids on a special day to the aquarium -- experiences they'll remember.

My grandparents didn't have much money to throw around. They would purchase me a nice birthday gift and a nice Christmas gift, usually just one item. I'm now 34, all of them have passed away, and I don't remember a single one of their gifts. But what I do remember is spending every Saturday until I was 11 at my paternal grandparents' house, helping my grandfather water the tomato garden, walk to the grocery store, sitting on the porch swing at dusk, and catching fireflies in a jar. In the summer, when both my parents were working I spent week days at my maternal grandmother's -- talking about the old days, going grocery shopping with her, making italian cookies, playing cards. There is no gift or toy that is better than any of that.

Gifts can be experiences instead of "stuff"....

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

We are taught to consume, consume, consume in the United States from a very early age -- it can be hard for many people to overcome and it seems to be intertwined with their emotions and relationships with people. It can be a very hard habit to break, and it can be so tough to bring up because then you might offend the person, or the concept of not buying crap just for the sake of buying it is so outside of the realm of comfort and familiarity for them they can't grasp it.

My life is MUCH happier and less stressful with LESS -- I don't have a need or desire to get a bigger house to cram my excess amount of stuff into -- I don't have a need or desire to "keep up with the Joneses" -- as such I have less cleaning, less visual clutter (it stresses me out), my kids keep themselves MORE occupied with LESS because they are not so overstimulated by so much stuff. I'd rather have more vacations, or relaxing weekends, than more stuff to clean, take care of, or stress about affording the latest car, gadget, home decor trend, whatever. We need to remember we are being marketed to 24/7 in this consumer-driven economy.

It's not about being ungrateful. I'm certainly grateful that someone thinks kindly of me or my children -- but does that mean I need to live with a house crammed full of mountains of stuff that no one is using? And the gift giver basically spent their hard earned money so a bunch of items can pile into a closet? It just makes no sense to me. More stuff does not bring peace or happiness.

My parents love to buy things for my kids, which is great -- but what they could really use instead of a 10,000th My Little Pony that gets thrown in a bin and looked at once every 6 months is money deposited into a college fund, or tickets for them to take the kids on a special day to the aquarium -- experiences they'll remember.

My grandparents didn't have much money to throw around. They would purchase me a nice birthday gift and a nice Christmas gift, usually just one item. I'm now 34, all of them have passed away, and I don't remember a single one of their gifts. But what I do remember is spending every Saturday until I was 11 at my paternal grandparents' house, helping my grandfather water the tomato garden, walk to the grocery store, sitting on the porch swing at dusk, and catching fireflies in a jar. In the summer, when both my parents were working I spent week days at my maternal grandmother's -- talking about the old days, going grocery shopping with her, making italian cookies, playing cards. There is no gift or toy that is better than any of that.

Gifts can be experiences instead of "stuff"....

Yes to all of this!

Additionally, I hate the idea of someone spending their hard-earned and finite money on something for me that I am going to send straight to the charity shop. Communication can combat this to some extent, but that’s not always possible. Gratitude is important in every facet of life, not just in gift-giving. The flip side of that is consideration for the people in your life - I would hate to think that I was burning money on something that my family member hated, and I would hope that they told me, rather than smiling politely and letting me believe that it was a good gift. Ultimately, the pleasure for me comes from giving someone something that they love, not something that makes me happy to give.

I listen to the Emily Post podcast Awesome Etiquette, and they say that if the Golden Rule is to treat people as you would want to be treated, then the Platinum Rule is to treat people the way that they want to be treated. I love this, and think it applies across every aspect of social interaction.

 

[scrapquitler]

Since the fossil incident they've mostly given us gift cards and the occasional piece of Star Wars memorabilia (my husband is a Star TREK fan). I just think it's silly.

OMG. My family members (and my inlaws) are the same way. They always buy Star Wars stuff for my DH. He hates Star Wars, but he's a big Star Trek fan. 30 years of telling them that and they still buy Star Wars stuff every holiday.

 

[Superchikk]

My family is very practical. We enjoy gifts, but we're all grown now and can mostly buy the things we want/need. There are 7 kids in my family, so we started drawing names among ourselves years ago. But we were exchanging gift cards, movies, etc. - easily things we could/would buy for ourselves anyway. So we decided that instead of giving each other gifts, we would take the same gift budget each year ($25 each sibling or spouse), combine it, and we would bless another family. The first year, we anonymously bought Christmas gifts for the kids of a single mom with cancer. The next year, we helped a family whose house had burned down just after Thanksgiving. We've done something like that each year since we made the change. When my sister's husband joined the family, he couldn't believe we did this. He had grown up poor with a single mom and his best Christmas memories came from a year that someone did that for his family. Needless to say, he was so excited to add his $25 to the fund. We could've just quit giving each other gifts and gone on our merry way. But we didn't, and we're glad. That's how we handle the adults on my side of the family.

My husband's side of the family is another story. We're still working on them.

 

[jaybirdsmommy]

Is it just me or does anybody else see complaining about gifts as being a bit ungrateful. Telling people what you will accept as a gift says more about you than the gift giver. I have yet to come across someone that gives gifts out of spite. I am a grandfather of two. I love shopping for my grand kids. Am I out of touch? Most certainly. I have made goofs and also bought things my grandchildren cherish. With gift giving as everything.....it is not always about you.

I used to think this way too. When I was a child I was taught that the only acceptable response to a gift was "Thank you, it's perfect, I love it." I teach my children this as well. However, you are very lucky that you haven't ever come across someone who uses gifts as weapons. There have literally been times that it is blatantly obvious that my in-laws have given my kids something just because they are trying to damage my relationship with my children. It's not as innocent as just giving them drum sets or noisy trucks, either. For example, my oldest can't have food dyes. He's autistic and they make him insane. Like banging his head on the wall, self harming, insane. Once we figured this out, I mentioned to them that when he was with them they would need to watch what he ate. The next visit they showed up with a gift for him - 5 lbs of red Twizzlers. They thought I was just being mean and didn't want him having candy. So, now, my child has 5 lbs of his favorite candy and I have to take it away from him because I know what will happen if he eats it. Meanwhile, they sit back and play the innocent "Oh, we didn't realize he couldn't have it," while I'm the bad guy in my kids eyes. Remember, this is the child they wanted to take away from me. They knew exactly what they were doing. This is just one of MANY examples over the years.

Or, another more recent example with my youngest. We went somewhere that had an arcade. Admission to this place was $$$ and I knew if my youngest had even the remotest hope of playing video games instead of the planned activity that he wouldn't want to do anything else. He can play arcade games anywhere. So, I told them both going in (and I know my in-laws heard me because they commented on it where i could hear them) that we would NOT be playing games, don't ask for quarters. 15 minutes in, I go to the restroom and they give my son money for games. After the money was gone, he wanted more. I told him no, because I'd already told him no games. This led to him and me having to leave because of the fit he threw. Again, they knew what they were doing - making me out to be the bad guy in my kid's eyes.

So, no it's not about me. My kids have been taught that any gift they received is to be received graciously (they've had lots of practice) and with tons of enthusiasm. I've only ever said anything to my in-laws if it's something like the above examples. Otherwise, until that one incident with the fossils that I mentioned in the previous post (my oldest was 13 at that point, so there had been 13 years of this) we've never discussed the fact that their giving was out of hand. I wouldn't have discussed it then, except I was being blamed for the insane amount of money my BIL had spent.

 

[jaybirdsmommy]

OMG. My family members (and my inlaws) are the same way. They always buy Star Wars stuff for my DH. He hates Star Wars, but he's a big Star Trek fan. 30 years of telling them that and they still buy Star Wars stuff every holiday.

Yeah, we've just gotten to the point that we get a good giggle out of it later. On the plus side, they love Christmas ornaments, so that's mostly what the Star WARS stuff that we get is. I put together a sci fi tree for my husband this past Christmas. He doesn't have a lot of Star Trek ornaments, but the Star Wars stuff helped fill it up.

 

[Superchikk]

Is it just me or does anybody else see complaining about gifts as being a bit ungrateful. Telling people what you will accept as a gift says more about you than the gift giver. I have yet to come across someone that gives gifts out of spite. I am a grandfather of two. I love shopping for my grand kids. Am I out of touch? Most certainly. I have made goofs and also bought things my grandchildren cherish. With gift giving as everything.....it is not always about you.

I love that you thoughtfully shop for your grandchildren and can accept when a gift you have purchased for them might have missed the mark. Not everyone is as understanding. And children, no matter how well taught, aren't good at hiding their feelings.

When a toy bought by grandma gets set aside in favor of something they asked for and really wanted (and grandma had a chance to purchase but chose not to), then grandma gets mad and says the kids must not like her because they didn't like the item she bought them (in front of them), and this happens repeatedly, it can be a problem. (Yes, this has happened to us over and over.) Kids should not feel guilty because they don't like something, and their love for their grandmother is not based upon gifts. Her love for them or how she feels about their love for her should not be attached to whether they like a gift. When the adult in the situation doesn't understand these things, it causes problems for the kids. We've even gone as far as to have the kids open only the gifts my in-laws gave them and open their other gifts at another time so there would be no gift comparison in my in-laws' minds. We should not have to rearrange our holiday plans so their gifts can be opened alone so their feelings don't get hurt.

And believe it or not, it's the same with my MIL and gifts she gives to us. One example - she gave us a bedspread. It was nice, and I'm sure she spent a lot of money on it. It's not that I didn't appreciate the gift, but it was nowhere near mine or my husband's (her son) taste, and it was not the right size for our bed. She had already removed it from the packaging and it had no receipt, so I couldn't return it. So it went into storage. Her next visit, she was miffed that the bedspread she bought was not on a bed in our home, and said as much to my husband. When a gift giver attaches their personal feelings to the gift instead of a gift being just that - a gift, it causes problems on both sides.

In the vein of love languages, my husband's is gifts. He loves getting and giving gifts. And he's quite a good gift-giver and rarely misses the mark because he takes time to consider what the receiver would enjoy. But his skills have also been honed over our 20 years together. My love language is acts of service. So he knows that when I ask for a bathroom heater as a gift, I REALLY want it, and it will serve a need I have (or feel). Despite what his buddies told him, he bought the heater for me just like I asked. And I love it. The kids laughed at how excited I was when it arrived. He had the benefit of giving me something I really wanted, and I have the benefit of not freezing when I step out of the shower, and knowing that he actually listened to me when I told him what would make me happy.

In a perfect world, gifts are gifts, given by the giver in love, accepted graciously by the receiver, and then everyone moves on. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. So those of us who have people in our lives who place an undue, unfair emotional value on gifts have to find a way to help them give the right gift.

 

[bluehen]

Is it just me or does anybody else see complaining about gifts as being a bit ungrateful. Telling people what you will accept as a gift says more about you than the gift giver. I have yet to come across someone that gives gifts out of spite. I am a grandfather of two. I love shopping for my grand kids. Am I out of touch? Most certainly. I have made goofs and also bought things my grandchildren cherish. With gift giving as everything.....it is not always about you.

I will reply to my own post so as not to single out any posters. I knew this would seem a bit harsh (hence the word i picked a bit before ungrateful). For my own sanity I wish to believe that the truly evil people that would give a harmful gift to a child are very very rare.

I want to point out that we are only hearing one side of the story here. Coming from the other side by demographic I would like to hear the other side before demonizing anyone. I have been through this kind of thing....my wife had in-law problems. When I say, it is not always about you, I was trying to say not very elegantly, that it may be more about your relationship with your in-laws and not about the gift.

Some advice from someone who has seen both sides. A little introspection can be helpful. Try to remove all emotions and step back and look. Many times you may find a new tact that can help the situation and realize that some of your actions have added to the problem.

edited to say

No one should fault a child for their reaction to a gift. Again doing that says much more about the gift giver than anyone else. Yes when I see my grandkids obvious lack of enthusiasm for a gift it can hurt. This is always directly proportional to how much I thought they would love it. As an adult I realize it was my mistake and get over it quickly. I can guarantee you I have picked up that gift and tried to explain (use justify here) why that gift is a good one. BTW that never works.

 

[jaybirdsmommy]

I will reply to my own post so as not to single out any posters. I knew this would seem a bit harsh (hence the word i picked a bit before ungrateful). For my own sanity I wish to believe that the truly evil people that would give a harmful gift to a child are very very rare.

I want to point out that we are only hearing one side of the story here. Coming from the other side by demographic I would like to hear the other side before demonizing anyone. I have been through this kind of thing....my wife had in-law problems. When I say, it is not always about you, I was trying to say not very elegantly, that it may be more about your relationship with your in-laws and not about the gift.

Some advice from someone who has seen both sides. A little introspection can be helpful. Try to remove all emotions and step back and look. Many times you may find a new tact that can help the situation and realize that some of your actions have added to the problem.

edited to say

No one should fault a child for their reaction to a gift. Again doing that says much more about the gift giver than anyone else. Yes when I see my grandkids obvious lack of enthusiasm for a gift it can hurt. This is always directly proportional to how much I thought they would love it. As an adult I realize it was my mistake and get over it quickly. I can guarantee you I have picked up that gift and tried to explain (use justify here) why that gift is a good one. BTW that never works.

I agree, it's definitely a symptom of a larger issue that just seems to become more obvious when gifts are involved. Probably because when there are gifts, there is physical evidence that something isn't quite right. It's not just me wondering if I'm imagining things or paranoid.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

My life is MUCH happier and less stressful with LESS -- I don't have a need or desire to get a bigger house to cram my excess amount of stuff into -- I don't have a need or desire to "keep up with the Joneses" -- as such I have less cleaning, less visual clutter (it stresses me out), my kids keep themselves MORE occupied with LESS because they are not so overstimulated by so much stuff. I'd rather have more vacations, or relaxing weekends, than more stuff to clean, take care of, or stress about affording the latest car, gadget, home decor trend, whatever. We need to remember we are being marketed to 24/7 in this consumer-driven economy.

It's not about being ungrateful. I'm certainly grateful that someone thinks kindly of me or my children -- but does that mean I need to live with a house crammed full of mountains of stuff that no one is using? And the gift giver basically spent their hard earned money so a bunch of items can pile into a closet? It just makes no sense to me. More stuff does not bring peace or happiness.

My parents love to buy things for my kids, which is great -- but what they could really use instead of a 10,000th My Little Pony that gets thrown in a bin and looked at once every 6 months is money deposited into a college fund, or tickets for them to take the kids on a special day to the aquarium -- experiences they'll remember.

I agree 100%. Our house is small but just right for what we need. Most of my family would agree too.
When our kids were little my parents would give them a smaller gift just to have something to unwrap but most of their gift was putting $$ into a custodial investment account. When ds turned 21, that account was around $17,000 despite the poor economy in 08/09 and him taking out $4k for the one semester of college he attended 3 yrs ago. To me, that is way smarter than getting more dumb plastic toys that kids get too much of each year anyway.
He used it to start a Roth IRA and another Vanguard investment account, and kept $1000 as a cushion in his regular bank account.

We haven't told our younger ds about his account because he is quite a spender and if he knew, he would be making plans for the next few years on how to blow it.

My parents started giving us cash for birthdays and Christmas when I was around 18.(>30 yrs ago) At first I was crushed to not have something to unwrap, be surprised about, and feel that special feeling when someone buys you something because they know your taste or you mentioned something you like and they remembered it. All that warm & fuzzy stuff. By the time I moved out, I really appreciated knowing I could count on that cash for a special something. Vacation fund maybe. Or something practical that we needed, new sheets or towels, a TV.
My mom says it always fits and never has to be returned. I can't quite get into that mode for my kids at Christmas but someday I'm sure we will.