dealing with family that won't stop gifting...

[Pumpkin1172]

This worked great for me until my MIL realized I was doing it when she figured out what my Ebay seller name is. She then started taking all the packaging for each item directly out of my kids hands as they opened gifts, cutting it up, and throwing it away before I could get to it. So now I just donate most things.

Wow...It just goes to show what kind/type of person she is that she had that much time on her hands to figure it out. just wow
I'm sorry you have to have contact with a person who would do that.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

I have been on a bit of a minimalism kick for almost 4 years, and in that time I have probably declutteted 75% of my stuff. I have thought about this a lot, and it’s a huge issue on all the minimalism groups, blogs, books and podcasts.

Two years ago I emailed all my friends and family and said that we would no longer be giving presents to the adults, though we would continue to give to the various kids as usual. We would also no longer be accepting gifts from anyone, even from “the kids”. I’m sure people talked behind my back, but nobody has ever said anything to my face, and several family members have reacted positively, even doing something similar themselves.

It’s hard with kids, but in the minimalism groups I am part of, experiences are the big thing. So, ask for tickets to the zoo, or Disney on Ice, or a gift certificate for a pizza place or ice cream shop. For example, we pay for one niece’s private tutoring, a nephew’s soccer lessons, and a friend’s daughter gets a theatre ticket (which I coordinate with her mother).

If you can’t get people to stop buying physical gifts, one option is educational gifts (I buy subscriptions to a child’s science magazine for 3 kids if my life). Another is the rule: Something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read, which I got from a website I read. When my nieces and nephew were preschoolers, this was particularly useful, as it still gave them something fun to open.

Most of the minimalism websites fall into two camps: either doing what I did, or if accepting the gift in the spirit it was intended, and then let it “flow through” your house. In other words, your responsibility is to accept the gift with kindness and grace, but you don’t have a responsibility to keep and store it indefinitely. I hate the idea of people wasting money on stuff that I unwrap and put straight into the charity box, which is why I sent the email, but when I do receive gifts, I try to remember that it was not the giver’s intention to give me a burden, and I can chose to do what I want with it once I have thanked them politely find graciously.

I hope this helps, and good luck.

 

[Shelly F - Ohio]

Gosh I experienced the same thing our first 2 yrs of marriage. I then started asking for the receipt and telling them its just not my style when they gave me things. Which was the truth it was not my style or I had no use for it. I know my In Laws always shop on Christmas eve and I felt they just got what ever was left on the shelf. It wasn't long before they started just giving us a check.

 

[Shanna-like-Banana]

Honestly, join a few local for sale FB pages and start selling some of the stuff off. If you do it through actual groups they won't see the postings on FB if they are your "friends"

 

[jaybirdsmommy]

My In-laws are weird with gifts. My oldest was the only grandchild on that side of the family for 7 years. The amount of useless crap they bought him was INSANE.

They asked for lists every Christmas and birthday, we would send lists of things like books, puzzles, inexpensive toys that they ASKED for, clothing sizes, etc. I finally told my husband I wasn't giving them another list because it seemed like they were using them as a guide for what not to buy. Toys were always for the wrong age group, clothes were way too big or way too small, stuff from the dollar store that broke immediately. The only upside was that my kids got lots of practice in graciously accepting gifts that they weren't excited about. They were spending hundreds of dollars every holiday and maybe giving 1 gift that was usable out of that. I begged them to stop, suggested we quit exchanging all together, nothing worked.

What finally stopped it? My brother in law was adamant that he needed to start a collection for my oldest. BIL loves to collect things and he was convinced my son was neglected because he didn't collect something. Nevermind that my son has a couple of collections, they weren't things BIL was interested in so they didn't count. He tried sports memoribilia (DS hates sports), coins (DS spent them, I warned him when he started not to give DS anything valuable because I knew that would happen), military gear, etc. The last one he decided on was fossils. I didn't realize he was buying them. My SIL called me up one day screaming at me that her husband had spend over $3000 in the past 2 months on fossils for my kids. He told her that I had given him permission to do so???!?!?!?! At that point we had a come to Jesus about the gift giving and how if she would stop screaming at me long enough to calm down she might remember me begging them for years to knock off spending insane amounts of money on the kids and that there was no way I would have let him do that if I'd known. We then had a discussion about how they needed to stop buying stuff for the kids based on what they liked and not what the kids liked. This offended her apparently, it's been gift cards ever since.

I still haven't figured out a way to get out of giving between the adults. They act like I'm Satan every time I suggest it.

 

[Sagginit]

OP here. Sorry skipped out for a few days, we had internet issues and just been busy with some other things.

Some of these are good suggestions and I am glad to hear I'm not the only one struggling. I'm moving more towards minimalism and my husband is very sentimental so that's why we aren't always on the same page. I have not thought of asking for memberships before, that is a great idea. I loved hi-lights magazines as a child and we could start that next year for our little one. One of my favorite gifts two years ago was a membership to BJs so we could stock up on baby and household items.

Here are some of the specifics though:

- giftlists - did one for our toddler for xmas and bday as his 1st bday was in Jan. Only one item was bought, I ended up buying the rest as they were things he needed. Instead he got whatever random "cute" stuff our close family felt like buying him. I actually asked my mother if I could give her some clothes back as it was January so the baby had a full wardrobe, but she told me it wasn't worth the money & time, its best to keep only if he wore them a few times.

- returning items- I return for store credit whenever possible. For our son's 1st bday any gift that had a gift receipt went back, I kept what didn't have receipts by default rather than trying to pick the "best" toys as it all does the same crap anyway (let's count to three, can you find the square?, let's play together!).

- selling- I started to sell last summer on Poshmark to clean out my closet. I have sold a few clothing gifts there that I had hanging around. I joined Offerup to sell some items that are new in package like candles, but so far no one is interested in anything.

- donate- I donated two trunk-fuls of items last fall. I'm happy for others to have our excess items.

- secret santa- we tried this with one side of the family this year. we gave a budget of between 50-75 (the men thought that up, it seemed big and vague). the result is the women in the family ended up buying all gifts and every family except ours felt they needed to meet the 75 budget by buying multiple items!!! defeated the purpose as instead of one nice item I got a nice electronic item for the house, candle, bathset, and chocolates. my husband got fragrance, bath products, random household item, and 2lb box of chocolates. it was not what we thought lol. i said next year it needs to be specific like one book, or one item you can eat.

I have asked for giftcards but I get the old "thats not a gift" reaction. So yes I do give suggestions but if they aren't the ones people are looking for I get more. I think what I'm trying to figure out now is if there is a polite way of telling people I just don't want any gifts at all and we won't be giving any gifts (except for children). I bought gifts for 20 people this year and I told my husband I was hardly able to enjoy Christmas as so much time went into shopping, wrapping, and visiting family to give out gifts. I just feel like we are all blessed financially that we can afford whatever we need, and it would be nice if we instead focus on spending time with each other as a way of celebrating.

 

[JinxedSydney]

I still haven't figured out a way to get out of giving between the adults. They act like I'm Satan every time I suggest it.

Same.

 

[gottalovepluto]

Agree! I'm a teacher so the amount of stuff that I used to store until I eventually donated it used to be unreal. Now, I immediately write a glowing thank you note because I truly genuinely appreciate the thought but if the gift is something that I would store but never use, I pass it along immediately...

I remember my teachers getting loads of lotions and little household trinkets for like Christmas and teacher appreciation days and when I got older I always wondered what in the world they did with their 50 bottles of lotion (that they probably didn't even like) and all the other stuff that they had stored up by the end of the year...

 

[sk!mom]

I remember my teachers getting loads of lotions and little household trinkets for like Christmas and teacher appreciation days and when I got older I always wondered what in the world they did with their 50 bottles of lotion (that they probably didn't even like) and all the other stuff that they had stored up by the end of the year...

This was also why I almost always gave my kid's teachers giftcards. DD was really good at paying attention and could tell me Mrs. **** drinks coffee all the time and Mrs.**** loves Target.

 

[Superchikk]

This was also why I almost always gave my kid's teachers giftcards. DD was really good at paying attention and could tell me Mrs. **** drinks coffee all the time and Mrs.**** loves Target.

Yep. I do gift cards for teachers as well, and then a small gift, usually edible, of something they like. One teacher absolutely loves Pringles, so I gave her a big box of single serve packs with her gift card. She absolutely loved it!

 

[Summer2018]

I remember my teachers getting loads of lotions and little household trinkets for like Christmas and teacher appreciation days and when I got older I always wondered what in the world they did with their 50 bottles of lotion (that they probably didn't even like) and all the other stuff that they had stored up by the end of the year...

I get mostly coffee mugs and candy. Every so often I get a gift card which is awesome and very generous of the parents. Over the years I have gotten some really odd gifts like elephant candleholders. I’ve sold a lot at tag sales over the years.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

Same.

I get what you and @jaybirdsmommy are saying, I really do. I think it comes down to how important it is to you. Either it’s something that you really care about, and you’re willing to put up with the backlash and draw that boundary for your family, or you decide that it’s not worth upsetting the wider family, and you find a way of disposing if unwanted gifts and accept the cost to yourself. Neither is right or wrong; it’s just about what works for you. We have issues with certain family members overstepping boundaries, so this was a low-stakes way of “teaching” them that we will actually reinforce our boundaries.

 

[jaybirdsmommy]

I get what you and @jaybirdsmommy are saying, I really do. I think it comes down to how important it is to you. Either it’s something that you really care about, and you’re willing to put up with the backlash and draw that boundary for your family, or you decide that it’s not worth upsetting the wider family, and you find a way of disposing if unwanted gifts and accept the cost to yourself. Neither is right or wrong; it’s just about what works for you. We have issues with certain family members overstepping boundaries, so this was a low-stakes way of “teaching” them that we will actually reinforce our boundaries.

Yeah, this is just a drop in the bucket compared to some of the other boundary issues we have had with them over the years. It's not just about unwanted gifts, it is also about this particular set of in-laws completely disregarding our wishes were OUR kids are concerned. They don't have children and as soon as my oldest was born it became very apparent that they considered him theirs. Even as far as my husbands Grandmother making comments about how I should just give him to my husband's sister.

They are getting better (slowly), it took me threatening to cut them off after a pretty serious incident a few years ago to make them realize I meant what I said. I've also started letting them deal with the consequences of an ignored rule. I'm not a witch, if I say one of my kids can't do or have something, there is usually a reason for it. Feed my kids a bunch of food dye, then let them play video games for hours? I'm leaving and you can deal with the stellar melt down (and trust me, my youngest does NOT wear himself out, he can go for days).

We've stopped trying to match their spending for adult gifts. We set a budget for them and my mother and that's it. Snide comments are ignored, wish lists with nothing under $200 are also ignored. Since the fossil incident they've mostly given us gift cards and the occasional piece of Star Wars memorabilia (my husband is a Star TREK fan). I just think it's silly.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

Yeah, this is just a drop in the bucket compared to some of the other boundary issues we have had with them over the years. It's not just about unwanted gifts, it is also about this particular set of in-laws completely disregarding our wishes were OUR kids are concerned. They don't have children and as soon as my oldest was born it became very apparent that they considered him theirs. Even as far as my husbands Grandmother making comments about how I should just give him to my husband's sister.

They are getting better (slowly), it took me threatening to cut them off after a pretty serious incident a few years ago to make them realize I meant what I said. I've also started letting them deal with the consequences of an ignored rule. I'm not a witch, if I say one of my kids can't do or have something, there is usually a reason for it. Feed my kids a bunch of food dye, then let them play video games for hours? I'm leaving and you can deal with the stellar melt down (and trust me, my youngest does NOT wear himself out, he can go for days).

We've stopped trying to match their spending for adult gifts. We set a budget for them and my mother and that's it. Snide comments are ignored, wish lists with nothing under $200 are also ignored. Since the fossil incident they've mostly given us gift cards and the occasional piece of Star Wars memorabilia (my husband is a Star TREK fan). I just think it's silly.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Minus the kids issues, I could have written pretty much everything you wrote. We actually did cut my in-laws off for over 10 years, and now that we are back in contact, they are constantly pushing the boundaries.

That’s why I feel so strongly that, as we make this move towards minimalism, they need to respect it, even though it is the opposite of how they live. For me, it’s not about the gifts, it’s about respecting the fact that my husband is a grown man, with his own values. By enforcing these small boundaries, we are training them to accept that we are going to live our lives the way we choose, and they don’t get a say. This was especially important when we thought we would have kids, as we already knew there would be several flash points in how these hypothetical children would be raised. I really don’t care if they want to complain behind our backs, but to our face they have to respect the boundaries we set. Unfortunately, it is a life-long endeavour. Good luck!

 

[sjrec]

I have been taking these posts to heart, as we’re grandparents with only one grandchild.
I never buy a birthday or Christmas gift without running it by my daughter, and out of six Christmas gifts, at least two stay at our house for when he comes over. Birthdays I really try to give an experience-last year we did the Caring for Giants on our family Disney trip.
My daughter knows I am in the process of clearing out, so we have been given gift certificates to a B&B, framed pictures of adorable grandson, and for Mothers Day always a planter of flowers.
We stopped gifting with our siblings awhile ago-we get together for a nice dinner out over the holidays instead.
I loved the comment about your only obligation being to accept a gift with kindness and after that you can deal with it as you like.

 

[Amii]

I had this problem with my grandmother years ago. One year I told her that instead of things what we would really like was for her to pick a charity and donate instead of giving us presents. I also told her that if she didn't like that idea that the only other thing we would like is to spend time doing something with her. I suggested having everyone over to her house during the summer to have a cookout and we could all help with the food and that would be each other's Christmas present. I didn't't think she would go for it but she did!

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

I had this problem with my grandmother years ago. One year I told her that instead of things what we would really like was for her to pick a charity and donate instead of giving us presents. I also told her that if she didn't like that idea that the only other thing we would like is to spend time doing something with her. I suggested having everyone over to her house during the summer to have a cookout and we could all help with the food and that would be each other's Christmas present. I didn't't think she would go for it but she did!

I thought my husband’s gran would be very upset at our “no presents” declaration but she was very open to it, and actually has started saying to the whole family that she doesn’t want presents.

Last Christmas, instead of presents for all the adults (I believe she gave gifts to my niece and nephew still) she took us all out for a lovely dinner at a nearby restaurant between Christmas and New Year. She also stopped the gift giving in her circle of closest friends, and instead they all went out for lunch.

It was like she needed someone else to be the one to fight the battle, but she was fully on-board as soon as we brought it up. I think a lot of older people don’t need anything, and are probably totally sick of getting 5 candles and 10 boxes of chocolates every birthday!

 

[Amii]

I thought my husband’s gran would be very upset at our “no presents” declaration but she was very open to it, and actually has started saying to the whole family that she doesn’t want presents.

Last Christmas, instead of presents for all the adults (I believe she gave gifts to my niece and nephew still) she took us all out for a lovely dinner at a nearby restaurant between Christmas and New Year. She also stopped the gift giving in her circle of closest friends, and instead they all went out for lunch.

It was like she needed someone else to be the one to fight the battle, but she was fully on-board as soon as we brought it up. I think a lot of older people don’t need anything, and are probably totally sick of getting 5 candles and 10 boxes of chocolates every birthday!

You are so right about them not needing anything. For years I got my grandmother the same thing for her birthday. She lived in the next state over so her present was that I would send her pictures of the family once a week for the year. When we did do Christmas presents my present was always I would cook her dinner for the year. I would go visit as often as I could and bring individual servings of dinner for her to put in her freezer. I just made extra of what I made for dinner and packaged it up for her to throw in her freezer. I usually brought her a fresh salad and fruits too. I did it for her even after we stopped Christmas presents. I wanted to make sure she wasn't eating junk because cooking was too much for her.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

You are so right about them not needing anything. For years I got my grandmother the same thing for her birthday. She lived in the next state over so her present was that I would send her pictures of the family once a week for the year. When we did do Christmas presents my present was always I would cook her dinner for the year. I would go visit as often as I could and bring individual servings of dinner for her to put in her freezer. I just made extra of what I made for dinner and packaged it up for her to throw in her freezer. I usually brought her a fresh salad and fruits too. I did it for her even after we stopped Christmas presents. I wanted to make sure she wasn't eating junk because cooking was too much for her.

What a lovely and thoughtful thing to do. I’m sure that she appreciated it very much.

 

[HopperFan]

It was a struggle for many years with DH side and we tried all sorts of things. Nothing ever really seemed to make everyone happy, and there was always one who broke the rules and made everyone feel bad they still bought gifts. A few years I just left mine behind. No doubt a statement. Then the time came with his folks/illness that we stopped the big gathering each year, and stopped the gifts. My side the gathering is full of tradition on Eve but at least us adult kids agreed no issue to stop the gifts to each other. We have a limit on kids .... but I'm kinda over that as well. Having the oldest kids, mine have gotten gifts the longest so hard for me to pull the plug. I think this year will be straight up gift cards ... hint hint.

We have this issue too. We have asked to stop exchanging and they keep sending. We stopped sending. Now we get snide remarks.

Well if they want to be snide, just donate all their stuff ... get a tax receipt and then mail it to them with a sweet "Thank you for thinking of us but as I've said we are trying to keep the gift giving simple. We know that your gifts will be appreciated by those in need and they are thankful."

This worked great for me until my MIL realized I was doing it when she figured out what my Ebay seller name is. She then started taking all the packaging for each item directly out of my kids hands as they opened gifts, cutting it up, and throwing it away before I could get to it. So now I just donate most things.

No words ....