Choosing to be Child Free. What are your reasons/changed minds?

[LSUmiss]

I am not the poster you quoted, but my mother had me when she was 19 and my sister at 31 (with 2 in between). She would tell you younger is better. She said she had more energy and was a better mother. Everyone is different, though.
Personally, I was 27 when my son was born and thought it was the perfect age.
And remember, little kids don't care about money, they care about being loved. I am not talking about meeting basic needs such as food and shelter, but the extras like lavish trips and such.

Not discounting your mom’s experience, but having more energy might also have to do with having 4 when she was “older” or having 4 at all. I had 1 when I was older & although I can’t know what it would be like to have him younger, I didn’t feel like energy was an issue. But, personally, I do know I was wiser at that age so a better parent than I would have been in my 20s. I absolutely don’t mean that this applies to everyone or anyone else, but it was the case for me. And I don’t mean financial stability was a plus so we can take lavish trips. I agree on that. But, for us it meant being less stressed in general about those kind of things.

 

[SmallWorld71]

Not discounting your mom’s experience, but having more energy might also have to do with having 4 when she was “older” or having 4 at all. I had 1 when I was older & although I can’t know what it would be like to have him younger, I didn’t feel like energy was an issue. But, personally, I do know I was wiser at that age so a better parent than I would have been in my 20s. I absolutely don’t mean that this applies to everyone or anyone else, but it was the case for me. And I don’t mean financial stability was a plus so we can take lavish trips. I agree on that. But, for us it meant being less stressed in general about those kind of things.

Her opinion may also be clouded by the fact that she has loved being a young grandmother. She is only 65 and has 10 grandchildren ranging in age from 2 to 23 and they are her world

 

[Pacolovestacos]

The thing is, people can change their minds. DH and I married young, at 21, both still in college. We both agreed we wanted kids "some day", I wanted a big family and he wanted a small family. By our late 20's, he wasn't sure if he still wanted kids, I was sure I still did. He decided he'd rather have kids than lose me, so we had DD. After she was born, He realized that he loves being a dad and I realized I only want 1.

Life is fluid, making a decision before you're married, when things are still a possibility and not a reality, is so different than actually living life. I can't imagine how miserable I'd be if I 100% stuck to every decision I made in my early 20's!

Would you have left him because he didn't want kids?

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Would you have left him because he didn't want kids?

Yes. It was something we discussed before marriage, and it was something I wasn't willing to compromise on.

 

[princesspiglet]

When DH and I met in college we both knew we did not ever want to have kids. I was 23 and he was 28 when we got married in 1996. My best friend and her husband kept telling us for years that we were selfish and would regret our decision but we were both very adamant about not wanting kids. Fast forward to a trip to Disney in December 2001. We were sitting on the rocking chairs in front of the American Pavilion in Epcot and we were both getting wistful. DH looked at me and and said, "do you think maybe we could try for one"? I knew instantly what he meant. I told him I would try for 6 months. If I didn't get pregnant within that time, then end of story. Fortunately for him, I got pregnant the first month of trying! I had a very, very rough pregnancy and and even harder 36 hour delivery where both of us almost died. DD ended up in NICU for 2 weeks and has had quite a few medical issues to deal with. When she turned 3, DH had a vasectomy. We both knew I could not go through pregnancy again. We are happy with one child and I can't imagine our lives without her in it. We both love and adore her so much, but I know I only have the patience and temperament for one child.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

My best friend and her husband kept telling us for years that we were selfish and would regret our decision but we were both very adamant about not wanting kids.

For the life of me, I will never ever understand that argument. I could understand the reverse (telling someone who wants kids that they are being selfish).

 

[princesspiglet]

For the life of me, I will never ever understand that argument. I could understand the reverse (telling someone who wants kids that they are being selfish).

I agree! They really made us feel bad too- the husband mostly. He kept saying how selfish we were that we didn't want to share our love, our time, our money. I think his voice in my head was the only reason I agreed to try. Now granted, I don't regret my decision...but I think I could have been just as happy without a child.

 

[mnrose]

I was happily child free in my 20's and most of my 30's. But, in my late 30's, I felt a void in my life. A big void. I went into therapy and over time, realized OMG, I want kids! DH wasn't as easily convinced, but eventually agreed, and at age 40, I became pregnant with twins (we had to use fertility treatments, ugh). Best.decision.ever. Children are maddening, but also joyful. There is no one right answer to this question. My only suggestion is to try to decide by your mid-30's. Doing it the way we did it was painful (and expensive). OTOH, at 35, I was a firmly committed "NO WAY" on having kids. LOL.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting to have children. I have friends who have decided to never have children and it's actually the best decision. I don't think any of them would make good parents. We have one friend who got married and had one child. He felt pressure to get married at 38 and have his first kid at 40. Pressure from family, society, the woman he was dating. He is a crappy dad. He isn't abusive and he financially supports his family but he still wants to live the single life. Goes out a lot, is never hands on with his son, etc.

I was a young mom. Had my son at 17. Not ideal but adoption was never an option. I can honestly say I was a good mom. Yes there was a learning curve but I was a very hands on mom. Soccer games, school events, baseball mom, arts and crafts, etc. My son is 18 and about to graduate and he is such a polite and kind kid. My mother did not tolerate the "drop the kid off with grandma and go out for the weekend" mentality a lot of teen girls have. I was with my son ALL OF THE TIME. I then got married and had DD at 23.

Being THAT young wasn't the best choice but I honestly think I would rather be a young mom than an older mom. I'm 35 now and I can't imagine starting at this age and being almost retirement age when my kid graduates college. In my group of friends almost all of us will be 40-45 when our youngest kids graduate high school. We have grand plans. We already try to take one big friends trip a year and plan to up that. I'm soooo looking forward to it! lol

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

I always knew that I never wanted kids. About 6 months after we got married, in my early 20s, I had a moment where I felt like someone had flicked a switch in my brain and suddenly I was desperate to have kids. I remember it very clearly - I saw a baby on tv and out of the blue thought “I want one of those”. It was definitely a biological urge, as mentally I was still very unsure, leaning towards “no”. It was very uncomfortable, because it felt like this biological urge was almost out of control.

We were both still in grad school at this point, but after a couple of years we started trying. 5 miscarriages later, we were told that our only possibility was IVF using genetic testing of the embryos. We decided against it, because we feel like our lives are good now and neither of us wants a child so badly that we are prepared to decimate our lives in order to possibly have one.

There is a small sense of loss, that comes about when I think about family heirlooms, names etc that will end with me. I’m an old child and I do feel guilty that my parents won’t have grandkids, even though neither has ever pressured me. Mostly, though, I am back to feeling like I did before the “switch was flipped” 17 years ago: very certain that I don’t want to have kids. I have great nieces and nephews, and that meets my needs fine.

 

[Disney_Alli]

I was looking for a Ted talk on a different subject and this popped up. Seemed appropriate to share here:

 

[LSUmiss]

When DH and I met in college we both knew we did not ever want to have kids. I was 23 and he was 28 when we got married in 1996. My best friend and her husband kept telling us for years that we were selfish and would regret our decision but we were both very adamant about not wanting kids. Fast forward to a trip to Disney in December 2001. We were sitting on the rocking chairs in front of the American Pavilion in Epcot and we were both getting wistful. DH looked at me and and said, "do you think maybe we could try for one"? I knew instantly what he meant. I told him I would try for 6 months. If I didn't get pregnant within that time, then end of story. Fortunately for him, I got pregnant the first month of trying! I had a very, very rough pregnancy and and even harder 36 hour delivery where both of us almost died. DD ended up in NICU for 2 weeks and has had quite a few medical issues to deal with. When she turned 3, DH had a vasectomy. We both knew I could not go through pregnancy again. We are happy with one child and I can't imagine our lives without her in it. We both love and adore her so much, but I know I only have the patience and temperament for one child.

This was kind of what we did. We were on the fence still at 38 & said let’s just not prevent & if it happens it’s meant to be. Well, it happened immediately so we took that as our answer!

 

[bethwc101]

I was looking for a Ted talk on a different subject and this popped up. Seemed appropriate to share here:

I had a friend go through the same thing. So sad to see her struggle just to be able to ensure she doesn't have a child she knows she doesn't want.

 

[Ariel484]

I truly think both my husband and I would be happy either way, but he decided first that he wanted a kid. I don't know what shifted in him...he just decided he was ready. I took a little more convincing, but seeing how content he seemed with his decision (thus how ready HE was) pushed me in that direction. Then I found this article on another board and really reading it and really thinking about it helped me a lot: http://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-s...column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

And FWIW with the "selfish" and rude comments...you'll get them no matter what your situation is. Awhile back we told my mom we thought we'd stop after 1 kid and she told us THAT was selfish ("give them a sibling!" - note that my husband is an only child, so she inadvertently called my in-laws, who are lovely people that she gets along with well, selfish - right in front of my husband!). So I guess we aren't doing the "correct" thing unless we have at least 2 kids? Then we told our families we were expecting a baby (currently 16 weeks) and while we did get congratulations and happy tears, we also got "FINALLY!" and "I'd given up!"-type comments. Those stung a lot and I've since made it known that those comments are unacceptable going forward.

It's like the potentially child-bearing years are just full of rude questions...when will you have a kid, then when will you have the next kid, potentially why do you have so many kids, etc.

 

[HeatherC]

I don't think it is selfish not to want to have kids. I think more people should think long and hard about having children. It is a life altering experience that you can never "erase" or change your mind on.

I have three kids and I cannot imagine what our lives would be like without them. They are almost all grown now at 21,19 and 17. They are truly our pride and joy even though they are all far from perfect. After all, no one is perfect. But to us they are perfectly imperfect.

I guess the biggest thing for me was that before I had kids I could never imagine my heart literally walking around outside my body. That is what having kids has been like for me. It is absolutely indescribile how you can love another human being like you do your own children.

I think there is no right or wrong. Each couple has to make the best decision for themselves.

 

[LSUmiss]

I truly think both my husband and I would be happy either way, but he decided first that he wanted a kid. I don't know what shifted in him...he just decided he was ready. I took a little more convincing, but seeing how content he seemed with his decision (thus how ready HE was) pushed me in that direction. Then I found this article on another board and really reading it and really thinking about it helped me a lot: http://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-s...column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

And FWIW with the "selfish" and rude comments...you'll get them no matter what your situation is. Awhile back we told my mom we thought we'd stop after 1 kid and she told us THAT was selfish ("give them a sibling!" - note that my husband is an only child, so she inadvertently called my in-laws, who are lovely people that she gets along with well, selfish - right in front of my husband!). So I guess we aren't doing the "correct" thing unless we have at least 2 kids? Then we told our families we were expecting a baby (currently 16 weeks) and while we did get congratulations and happy tears, we also got "FINALLY!" and "I'd given up!"-type comments. Those stung a lot and I've since made it known that those comments are unacceptable going forward.

It's like the potentially child-bearing years are just full of rude questions...when will you have a kid, then when will you have the next kid, potentially why do you have so many kids, etc.

Omg! The sibling thing! I have one child & get that crap too. I also see my friends with 2 or more kids often overwhelmed & complaining all the time in ways I don’t (not that everyone with 2 or more does). And, my DH & I both have a sibling & while we love them, we aren’t that close to either & never was growing up. Would never want anything to happen to them but think our lives would have been just fine if we would have been only children.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I have two kids but my SO of 6 Years has none. We’re constantly asked when we’re having Kids. Not when. Only by his family. I find it completely rude. People have no shame.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Omg! The sibling thing! I have one child & get that crap too. I also see my friends with 2 or more kids often overwhelmed & complaining all the time in ways I don’t (not that everyone with 2 or more does). And, my DH & I both have a sibling & while we love them, we aren’t that close to either & never was growing up. Would never want anything to happen to them but think our lives would have been just fine if we would have been only children.

Yep. I think no matter what, people with more kids than you are always going to concentrate on the good side of having more - whether you have none and they have one, you have one and they have two, you have two and they have three... Even if some objective scale said they were actually happier when they were in your place, they are in the very subjective position of already loving kid number whatever-you-don't-have-yet, so they feel like bad parents if they even think about what their lives would have been like without them. (Which is, of course, good for the kids!)

But the questions do eventually fade. (My DS is 17, so I don't remember exactly when people stopped asking, but it's definitely been a long time.)

 

[Ariel484]

Omg! The sibling thing! I have one child & get that crap too. I also see my friends with 2 or more kids often overwhelmed & complaining all the time in ways I don’t (not that everyone with 2 or more does). And, my DH & I both have a sibling & while we love them, we aren’t that close to either & never was growing up. Would never want anything to happen to them but think our lives would have been just fine if we would have been only children.

Yeah, I can’t put why into words, but we both just want to have one (heck, it was a hard decision for me to even decide to actually have the one). I have one brother whom I love, and I wouldn’t trade him for anything, but I just feel like *our* family will be complete with our one kiddo. I’m already bracing myself for the comments we’re going to get for that.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

Omg! The sibling thing! I have one child & get that crap too. I also see my friends with 2 or more kids often overwhelmed & complaining all the time in ways I don’t (not that everyone with 2 or more does). And, my DH & I both have a sibling & while we love them, we aren’t that close to either & never was growing up. Would never want anything to happen to them but think our lives would have been just fine if we would have been only children.

I'm with you. I go back and forth on whether I want kids but if I decide I do, it will be one and then I'm getting a vasectomy, lol.